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Old 17th January 2018, 8:18 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by Popsicle View Post
OP, if you were so nice, you would just drop the whole pay me back thing. Because you love him and you're going to be married forever, right?
To me the amount would matter...

In my previous marriage I loaned money in the 6 figure range to my wife's business.. she owned a large convenience store an she had issues with her finances, there was always something that needed to be covered...

I had all the legal documentation.. including some of the bank loans I had the checks written to the state government in her name/account rather than to me then to her..

Smart move...

I could have forgiven the debt but the smart move of how I did it meant she had to pay me as the divorce moved forward..
I had her pay me back in lump sum Alimony and I then paid off the bank loans and myself..

Lump sum Alimony wouldn't have to be repaid in the event of her filing bankruptcy.. which she did after we got divorced.

My money issue with her was well in the 6 figures and had bank loans on her business in my name so I felt like there was no way I was going to give her that while she owned a business with almost 3.5 mil a year in sales.

As far as the OP goes, the amount of the loans is probably larger than she feels comfortable walking away from.

Her husband needs to man up IMO.. what kind of a man borrows money from his wife and doesn't pay it back.. they were dealing with a real estate transaction that she has nothing to do with.
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Old 17th January 2018, 12:42 PM   #32
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To me the amount would matter...

In my previous marriage I loaned money in the 6 figure range to my wife's business.. she owned a large convenience store an she had issues with her finances, there was always something that needed to be covered...

I had all the legal documentation.. including some of the bank loans I had the checks written to the state government in her name/account rather than to me then to her..

Smart move...

I could have forgiven the debt but the smart move of how I did it meant she had to pay me as the divorce moved forward..
I had her pay me back in lump sum Alimony and I then paid off the bank loans and myself..

Lump sum Alimony wouldn't have to be repaid in the event of her filing bankruptcy.. which she did after we got divorced.

My money issue with her was well in the 6 figures and had bank loans on her business in my name so I felt like there was no way I was going to give her that while she owned a business with almost 3.5 mil a year in sales.

As far as the OP goes, the amount of the loans is probably larger than she feels comfortable walking away from.

Her husband needs to man up IMO.. what kind of a man borrows money from his wife and doesn't pay it back.. they were dealing with a real estate transaction that she has nothing to do with.
But you have to admit that this primarily matters because you divorced.

If you were still married, you would likely own half of that 3.5 mil/yr business.

Not that you want to still be married to her. I'm just saying...divorce is about the money (as another poster pointed out).

But maybe that's the issue here. We can't predict what will become of OP's marriage. Even if she fully intends and desires to remain married, she would still feel much better about things if she was restored by her H, as he promised. As it currently is, resentment is building up on both sides.

We can all say from our very practical and outsider position to never loan money to a boyfriend or friend. But when you're in love, you make decisions you never thought you would. And she did it in a "legal" sort of way.

I also think this is very different than a marriage that started out with two young people in the same financial position. It's easy to say "combine your finances!" when you have two people in their mid 20s getting married who have about the same in assets (nothing!). But when you have people getting married later in life bringing different things to the table, I can understand it might be different to co-mingle money, as well as the interest in getting a pre-nup. I don't know what I would do in the same position, but it has to be a bit more complex.

OP, I do hope, if you're still reading, that you are able to work this out. It does sound like you are due the money, based upon your agreement, if you would like to enforce it. But you will need some help, love, patience...and your H might have some work to do on himself...in order to overcome the issues it could create in your M. As well...keep in mind, that if you want to go the distance in your M, which one of you has the money won't matter in the end. The problem is, no one can predict what will happen with your M, even if you do everything with the best of intentions.
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Old 17th January 2018, 1:17 PM   #33
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I agree with most points raised by Southern Sun above, and that's why I thought it's wise for the OP to have a prenup and a contract with the loan (as her finance will be protected in case of a divorce). My question remains: Is the husband hiding away money or spending on unnecessary luxurious stuff? If he can't really afford to make the payment plan but is forced to, that means the OP would have to pick up the slack elsewhere in their married life. From the OP's previous threads, the husband didn't want to get married to begin with, perhaps he went along with it as the OP was willing to help him out financially.
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Old 17th January 2018, 2:07 PM   #34
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Eh, I'm of two minds here. On the one hand, it does seem really strange to me that there is so much "mine" and "yours" going on here to the extent that the dispute is causing a rift in your marriage. I would feel hurt/upset if my partner viewed things that way, too.

On the other hand, he did give you his word that he would pay you back, even signed a contract- and now is reneging on it. This sort of behavior does raise red flags to me. Does he demonstrate trustworthiness in other areas of life?
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Old 17th January 2018, 2:39 PM   #35
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they are separate...I know he is hurting financially, but i felt my loan was just shoved to the side... I am now requesting a payment plan, giving him a few years to pay back... he throws in my face that i shouldnt be asking, and says our marriage is not strong, because i am demanding he start paying, hence maybe we should file for a divorce... i am a bit shocked ... since divorce was not what i wanted... but yes we are seperate finances, and pay household bills together. I do want my money back. it took years to save. its been a sore subject in our marriage when i do bring it up...Is it to much to ask for a payment plan?
He doesn't intend to pay you.

I agree - file a lawsuit against him to get the money - even if he needs to take out a loan.

Then file for divorce... he doesn't respect you and he's not honoring you.
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Old 17th January 2018, 3:59 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by Art_Critic View Post
To me the amount would matter...

In my previous marriage I loaned money in the 6 figure range to my wife's business.. she owned a large convenience store an she had issues with her finances, there was always something that needed to be covered...

I had all the legal documentation.. including some of the bank loans I had the checks written to the state government in her name/account rather than to me then to her..

Smart move...

I could have forgiven the debt but the smart move of how I did it meant she had to pay me as the divorce moved forward..
I had her pay me back in lump sum Alimony and I then paid off the bank loans and myself..

Lump sum Alimony wouldn't have to be repaid in the event of her filing bankruptcy.. which she did after we got divorced.

My money issue with her was well in the 6 figures and had bank loans on her business in my name so I felt like there was no way I was going to give her that while she owned a business with almost 3.5 mil a year in sales.

As far as the OP goes, the amount of the loans is probably larger than she feels comfortable walking away from.

Her husband needs to man up IMO.. what kind of a man borrows money from his wife and doesn't pay it back.. they were dealing with a real estate transaction that she has nothing to do with.
Key difference here is that you divorced
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Old 17th January 2018, 4:02 PM   #37
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So what's his plan now to pay you back?
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Old 17th January 2018, 4:54 PM   #38
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Eh, I'm of two minds here. On the one hand, it does seem really strange to me that there is so much "mine" and "yours" going on here to the extent that the dispute is causing a rift in your marriage. I would feel hurt/upset if my partner viewed things that way, too.

On the other hand, he did give you his word that he would pay you back, even signed a contract- and now is reneging on it. This sort of behavior does raise red flags to me. Does he demonstrate trustworthiness in other areas of life?
I agree. I personally do not see the need to hold him to payments since she is married to him, but I also respect that every couple is different and there was an agreement made.

It does bother me that OP's husband is taking advantage of the OP by unilaterally changing the terms of the agreement. It is one thing for the OP to waive her right to repayment; it is another thing for her husband to elect to not fulfill his end of the bargain. The worst part is he is threatening divorce and using it as leverage to get what he wants (which is out of an obligation). Clearly, OP is frightened by the thought of divorce and does not even want to go there in her mind. This situation is basically her husband dealing from a position of power and using that power as leverage to gain an advantage to the detriment of OP.

Isn't that kinda...I don't know, s*****?
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Last edited by OneLov; 17th January 2018 at 5:07 PM..
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Old 17th January 2018, 5:12 PM   #39
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When I saw the title of this thread I thought - What, did he get hauled off to jail and need bail money?!?

In my marriage, what is mine is his, and what is his is mine. All of our funds are commingled and I like it that way. Even though I earn considerably more than him, I don't like keeping tabs, or the idea that one of us could be financially indebted to the other.

Have you heard the saying, you don't lend friends money, you give it to them? Often things like this ruin friendships... and perhaps marriages even.

All that said, we got together when we were both young single, and broke. Not in our 50's with divorces and all of those complications under our belts.

I have some questions:

1. How much money are we talking here? five figures? six figures?
2. Who earns more money, or is it equal?
3. Who owns the house?
4. What percentage of the monthly expenses do each of you pay?

And all of that comes down to - can he afford to pay, what is he doing with his monthly earnings that do not go to your shared monthly expenses.

If you tell me he makes as much or more than you, has a jet boat hobby which he spends a lot on, plus puts a huge chunk into his own savings each month - then yes, time to pay up buddy.

If you tell me he earns as much or less than you, is paying toward your mortgage, and has little left over at the end of each month, well then its a very different story.

So which is it? What is the situation? When does "mine vs. yours" become "ours"?

I do see the need to get paid back as a sign that you do not think this marriage will end in death do you part.

Do you two disagree when it comes to spending other ways?
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Last edited by RecentChange; 17th January 2018 at 5:16 PM..
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Old 17th January 2018, 5:44 PM   #40
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You probably shouldn't have married someone who is hurting financially. It seems this is making you resentful.
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Old 17th January 2018, 6:54 PM   #41
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Key difference here is that you divorced
That is true.. but I wasn't divorced or even thinking of it when I made the right decisions.. just like the OP has done.. and I didn't forgive those loans and she shouldn't either.. he made a deal.. a business deal that had nothing to do with their marriage and he is reneging on it.. he should show more class than that...

That being said... if forgiving this loan to him would remove all the issues in the marriage and she can let it go then that might be the best answer... if she can't then she needs to make this a sticking point and make him be good to his word.

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Old 17th January 2018, 7:48 PM   #42
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Originally Posted by OneLuv
It does bother me that OP's husband is taking advantage of the OP by unilaterally changing the terms of the agreement. It is one thing for the OP to waive her right to repayment; it is another thing for her husband to elect to not fulfill his end of the bargain. The worst part is he is threatening divorce and using it as leverage to get what he wants (which is out of an obligation). Clearly, OP is frightened by the thought of divorce and does not even want to go there in her mind. This situation is basically her husband dealing from a position of power and using that power as leverage to gain an advantage to the detriment of OP.
This. At this point I would consider it a sunk cost fallacy and proceed accordingly. Underpinning this is the basic lack of integrity, based on OP's husband's statements and behavior. That he's unwilling to pay even smaller installments on a regular basis and deflects with hints of divorce indicates his intentions. We're not talking about a petty complaint over not being paid back for a dinner, this is a significant loan that anyone who cared about their partner's feelings and the relationship would be making efforts to pay back. Partners might share assets and debt but there should be transparency and good communication; instead, he chooses to dodge and deflect.

That kind of irresponsibility and casualness in regards to a partner's money usually carries over into other aspects of a relationship. Best to make a decision about the debt on the likelihood that the loan will never be repaid unless you hold him accountable via the contract.
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Old 17th January 2018, 8:47 PM   #43
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Underpinning this is the basic lack of integrity, based on OP's husband's statements and behavior. That he's unwilling to pay even smaller installments on a regular basis and deflects with hints of divorce indicates his intentions.
OP has said in her most recent post that her husband has been paying it back over time. He just doesn't seem to be doing it as quickly as she would like.

Also, for all those judging him, she has admitted he's struggling financially. We don't know the details of why or how badly he's hurting. It's possible he's doing all he can to repay her while meeting all of his other financial obligations. I feel like we need more details from her than we got.
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Old 17th January 2018, 9:33 PM   #44
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OP has said in her most recent post that her husband has been paying it back over time. He just doesn't seem to be doing it as quickly as she would like.

Also, for all those judging him, she has admitted he's struggling financially. We don't know the details of why or how badly he's hurting. It's possible he's doing all he can to repay her while meeting all of his other financial obligations. I feel like we need more details from her than we got.
I agree that more info would help to clarify what's occurring, and I missed that he was paying some of it back. Regardless of his financial issues, it's still problematic that instead of discussing this with her and coming to a mutually agreed upon decision, he brings up divorce and shuts down the conversation. The OP shouldn't have loaned an amount that would negatively impact her both financially and relationship wise, but he bears the greater responsibility for accepting a loan that he could not pay back per the original agreement. This is both an emotional investment and a business deal for the OP; neither dynamic negates the other.
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Old 17th January 2018, 10:36 PM   #45
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Really interesting thread. We can see both sides of the fence.

However the prenup rules. He owes the money. The question is will she destroy the marriage trying to get her money back.
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