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husband owes me money...


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 14th January 2018, 12:02 PM   #16
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If the amount is in the prenup, then you are protected.

Right now when you repeatedly ask for him to repay you, he probably feels emasculated, like you are kicking him when he's down.
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Old 14th January 2018, 12:34 PM   #17
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This might be the wrong question to ask, but why did you get married before he paid the loan back?

It would seem to me that him not being willing to pay his debt would be a huge indicator of what type of marriage partner he would be and this whole mess could have been avoided, or at least less complicated had you not married before his debt was paid.
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Old 14th January 2018, 12:56 PM   #18
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I think it's good you have a prenup and a formal contract of your loan, so your finance will be protected in case of a divorce. But I don't think it's practical for you to insist on his paying back when it sounds like he's living paycheck to paycheck? It doesn't sound like he'a hiding his money or soending on some unnecessary luxury stuff.

A possible solution is for you to be responsible for a higher percentage of your joint expenses (it's normal for couples to split their bills according to their financial status), and then your husband can use the extra money to make a payment plan. This solution shows why it doesn't make sense to say your spouse owes you money.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 14th January 2018 at 1:34 PM.. Reason: Merge
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Old 14th January 2018, 6:34 PM   #19
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If you have a prenup, why is this a question? Just divorce him and bring the agreements to the judge. You'll get your money back.
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Old 14th January 2018, 6:39 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mino View Post
the reason we didnt mingle our finances, is because we are over 50, and he had no assets, and i had a lot. we did a prenup, we do pay our monthly expenses together. I did offer him a payment plan, over a few years to pay back. He was in a bad position, lost job, so hence why i made the loan. Besides the money, our marriage was fine, ups and downs like every other...I don't want a divorce... I do love my husband, I just want my money back that i lent him... I do have this amount in the prenup....
I am of the opinion that prenups often cause people to divorce because it's clear that money is so heavily on one persons mind. You bring to yourself exactly what you fear. The other person gets tired of it.

Personally, I think he should divorce you and become self-sufficient. I'd be willing to bet a judge will make him pay back the loan but probably at a lower payment plan that you'd want.
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Old 14th January 2018, 9:15 PM   #21
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the reason we didnt mingle our finances, is because we are over 50, and he had no assets, and i had a lot. we did a prenup, we do pay our monthly expenses together. I did offer him a payment plan, over a few years to pay back. He was in a bad position, lost job, so hence why i made the loan. Besides the money, our marriage was fine, ups and downs like every other...I don't want a divorce... I do love my husband, I just want my money back that i lent him... I do have this amount in the prenup....

If you are covering ANY of his bills or expenses - you could stop and let him cover all of his bills or start pulling back on picking up things maybe. Just to make up for it ?

Not to get nosy - but how much we talking here? (I mean we are all anonymous here)
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Old 14th January 2018, 10:26 PM   #22
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To me, I think it would matter as to why he hasn't be able to pay you back. If he's simply being irresponsible with his money while you continue to be frugal with yours, I could understand why you would be resentful. On the other hand, if he's now as frugal as you are, if he works as many hours as you do to bring in what money he can, or he picks up more of the housework to support you working longer hours, then maybe you are the one who needs to let this go. Marriage should be an equal partnership.
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Old 14th January 2018, 10:29 PM   #23
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To me, I think it would matter as to why he hasn't be able to pay you back. If he's simply being irresponsible with his money while you continue to be frugal with yours, I could understand why you would be resentful. On the other hand, if he's now as frugal as you are, if he works as many hours as you do to bring in what money he can, or he picks up more of the housework to support you working longer hours, then maybe you are the one who needs to let this go. Marriage should be an equal partnership.
interesting!

Now this makes some sense. lets get to the bottom of it
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Old 16th January 2018, 11:54 AM   #24
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wow

wow... thanks peeps... so many people said divorce... I am a bit appalled... shocked so many cold hearted people out there... There is one issue in my marriage...and its an issue that was swept under the rug, which i brought up again... thanks for the few people who actually had some input that was usable... the rest of you ... I dont know what to say... Bottom line ... he is paying it back over time.. I sat down and had a conversation yesterday... I never wanted a divorce , I love my husband... and this was a cloud hanging over us... so I am done with this thread, and ever asking advice from strangers... cause many of you are just mean...smh

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Old 16th January 2018, 12:03 PM   #25
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I am of the opinion that prenups often cause people to divorce because it's clear that money is so heavily on one persons mind. You bring to yourself exactly what you fear. The other person gets tired of it.

I disagree. Getting our prenup was the most effective pre-marital thing DH & I did. Gathering all the info needed to craft the document with full disclosure was an exercise in trust & transparency. He knew my assets. I knew his debts. (Hence the need for the prenup) We were forced to talk about a lot of issues, many of them difficult. The required disclosures made it so much easier to talk about other stuff.


I always say marriage is about love but divorce is about money. We went into this looking to take some of the emotional pain -- which often leads to high legal fees -- out of the equation.


But honestly, talking about all this stuff in advance, learning to negotiate, and learning to compromise, was one of the most beneficial things we ever did. I think it made our relationship stronger.


Mino -- most people's default is to break up. Especially on a message board we only get part of the story. People don't want to work at relationships any more. They think marriage is disposable. Money is one of the main reasons people do get divorced. If you are saying this is only a single issue & that you can get past it, even if it irks you, then I think eventually you & your husband will be OK. You have a safety net, the pre-nup. Tread lightly but don't give up. Eventually I think you will get your money back.


To the extent I was one of the people who made it seem hopeless, I'm sorry but when I initially read your post, it seemed that the money was the most important thing. Forgive me if I upset you. Best wishes working through this.
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Old 16th January 2018, 12:53 PM   #26
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We are not mean, but some of us just can't comprehend this notion that a spouse owes another spouse money within a marriage. Plenty of women and men are paying a bigger share of the joint expenses within a marriage because they are in a better financial situation compared to their spouse. You loan matters only to the extent that there is a divorce.

You made a mistake in lending him money when he was your bf. i read your previous threads and understand you started out as an affair; he was not eager to get married. Was your lending him the money a way to buy him to marry you?
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Old 16th January 2018, 3:28 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by Mino View Post
I ask several times a year for a payback plan, its now to a point where i feel very angry and resentment...
Quote:
I have again, clearly stated he needs to start paying back... he is now saying that i am wrong for asking... and that our marriage because of me asking is not as strong, and we are now talking divorce... what to do? I worked about 8 years to save that much... he rather pretend the loan is not there...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mino View Post
wow... thanks peeps... so many people said divorce... I am a bit appalled... shocked so many cold hearted people out there... There is one issue in my marriage...and its an issue that was swept under the rug, which i brought up again... thanks for the few people who actually had some input that was usable... the rest of you ... I dont know what to say... Bottom line ... he is paying it back over time.. I sat down and had a conversation yesterday... I never wanted a divorce , I love my husband... and this was a cloud hanging over us... so I am done with this thread, and ever asking advice from strangers... cause many of you are just mean...smh
You were the first to state you were angry, resentful and the two of you were talking about divorce in your initial post. Thats a little disingenuous to put that on posters who responded to what you presented.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 16th January 2018 at 3:49 PM.. Reason: Fix quote
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Old 16th January 2018, 4:01 PM   #28
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OP,

You said you signed a promissory note and other "legal documents." Do any of those documents include a security agreement? From a legal standpoint, an unsecured promissory note is basically worthless if someone declares bankruptcy.

His response to your request for payment can be summed up as: na-na na-na boo boo, stick your head in doo doo. Or as a school-yard bully would say, "What are you going to do about it?"

I think you have three options:

1. Go consult an attorney to determine your legal rights and possible recourse (if any). Then proceed to call his bluff.
2. Go stick your head in said doo doo and become resentful that he is strong arming you and disrespecting your kindness by exploiting it as a weakness.
3. Find a magic wand and wave it over him, so he becomes honorable and empathetic. He will say, you're right and comply with your request.

I'm being facetious to make the point that you are at his mercy unless you stand up for yourself. I am not being mean; I'm assessing your realistic options. If you really want help, you are going to have to get it for yourself because the ball is in his court ATM. Take your power back and metaphorically punch him in the mouth--that is how you stand up to bullies.
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Old 16th January 2018, 4:06 PM   #29
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I also think everything should be joint in a marriage and it’s a problem if you ask the husband for the money back. Instead , you should join accounts. But I know many people see marriage differently.
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Old 17th January 2018, 4:07 AM   #30
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OP, if you were so nice, you would just drop the whole pay me back thing. Because you love him and you're going to be married forever, right?
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