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Lack of physical attraction is ruining our relationship


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Old 13th January 2018, 9:43 AM   #16
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So you married your best friend, that's great, everyone should. That you compare her to prettier girls you could never get is the problem. Wanting a paper bag for your spouse is a problem. We do not need a picture of your wife to understand your dilemma, you have thoroughly humiliated her enough.

Ok, if you want to continue the marriage...marriage counseling as Carhill suggested, is a good idea.
I would assume that the reason you posted is because after marriage, your wife has 'different' expectations than the prior four years of your relationship? That's on her, actually....two people made this choice.

You will need to be honest, finally. There isn't a genie to change anything and after four years and the I do's, she is noticing your lack attraction to her. Have you changed or did she?

When you are honest, annulment is an option.

If you decide to continue to fake it because you don't want to lose your best friend...I have no advice. I think you lost your best friend when you married her.
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Old 13th January 2018, 12:08 PM   #17
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If your sex life is considered good by the both of you, there has to be something there attraction-wise. To get your answer, I think you are going to have to dig deeper and figure out exactly how/why being with someone better looking would be more satisfying. Would it be validation of your worth after having such a long unsuccessful track record with women? Do you associate better looking women with more openness, uninhibitness, etc.? Is there some specific aspect or type of love-language in a relationship that you think only someone better looking can fulfill?

I understand where you are coming from and have had a long time to think about these kinds of issues - my wife was the first woman I met who was more interested in me than I was in her. But after a miserable singlehood of struggling to get dates/relationships - and even when I did, the women always monkeybranched to other guys - I figured it was worth seeing where things would go as we were (and are) great together from a compatibility standpoint. Then, before you know it, you have the marriage, family, and the whole picket-fence nine yards.
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Old 13th January 2018, 10:16 PM   #18
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Consider yourself lucky that you aren't posting about your wife's affair. There is
Plethora of WW posts admitting that they fell for the attention and
compliments showered on them by the guy who became the OM. Read the
Posts in that section and you will see that I am not exaggerating this
Point.

Compliments cost you nothing. Just try and see what happens
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Old 14th January 2018, 5:20 AM   #19
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Hi Laszlo, sorry you are facing a dilemma like this. I have to ask you a few questions if you don't mind. Before you met your wife did you have any LTR/s with any other women? During your High School days did you have any puppy love type of relationship with a girl/s or were you the joker of the lot? How do you rate your own looks? Are you the Tarzan type alpha male spewing male pheromones or the Beta type shy guy? Are you a nerdy type of guy? Also, did your wife have any LTRs before you? Was she ever married before? On the sexual front how experienced were the two of you before you started dating? If she had any LTRs what reason did she give for her breakups? Is she also the retiring, nerdy kind of person or is she more sociable and outgoing? Why did you decide to marry her after four years instead of continuing with a FWB relationship? You do not have to answer any of these questions but it would be helpful if you did.

Coming to a solution to your present problem, I would say that you have been given a lot of good advice/ opinions by folks on here which should be helpful. I have a simple suggestion to make. It is that if you really want to make this work and not have to annul or divorce, you should 'Fake it till you make it'. This approach has worked in the workplace for innumerable people and there is no reason it should not work for you. Pretend your wife is beautiful and attractive and pay her compliments and show other signs of affection till it becomes ingrained in your psyche and you truly start appreciating her true inner beauty every time you gaze on her. As they say ' Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder'! You can make her beautiful if that is what you truly want. Try it. Warm wishes.
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Old 14th January 2018, 5:43 AM   #20
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i think this is a really sad place to be for both of you..... you have to lie....and she wants to believe the lie.....you have satisfying sex ....if you told her the truth on how you feel no attraction for her...the sex would change....

as other posters have said find what you do love...amplify her qualities that shine to you ......what attracted you to her in the first place.....you are right it shouldnt just be external .......it needs to be from the inside out....


why do you have sex if you feel no desire for her? just going through the motions?
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Old 14th January 2018, 12:52 PM   #21
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Is there anything that you find attractive about your wife? Does she have pretty hair, or nice eyes? Does she wear nice clothing or smell nice? Find something that you find attractive about her, even if you aren’t overall attracted to her, there’s gotta be something that you enjoy looking at. Does she smile pretty or have smooth skin? Find something, and when your wife asks you if you find her attractive, gush about how great her “Whatever” is and how much you love it! You won’t be lying and she will feel pretty and you will feel good about making her feel attractive.
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Old 14th January 2018, 5:05 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by xenawarriorprincess View Post
Is there anything that you find attractive about your wife? Does she have pretty hair, or nice eyes? Does she wear nice clothing or smell nice? Find something that you find attractive about her, even if you aren’t overall attracted to her, there’s gotta be something that you enjoy looking at. Does she smile pretty or have smooth skin? Find something, and when your wife asks you if you find her attractive, gush about how great her “Whatever” is and how much you love it! You won’t be lying and she will feel pretty and you will feel good about making her feel attractive.

there is beauty in everyone you are right......deb
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Old 14th January 2018, 6:32 PM   #23
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You made a choice to settle, now you're going to have to lie for the rest of your life. Do it if you want to stay married.
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Old 15th January 2018, 9:18 PM   #24
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Lazlo, a word about the "pretty girls you never had" - all that glitters is not gold. What I mean by this is that all's not what it seems from the outside. Let go of the idea that attractive people lead happier, more exciting lives, because that's not true. Life is what you make of it.

Social skills can be improved greatly by reading books, or articles online, and socialising as much as possible for practice. Practice makes perfect. Your workplace is a great place to start. Start engaging colleagues in conversation and take an interest in their lives and views. Ask about their weekend. Someone with good social skills isn't the loudest person in the room - it's the person who makes others feel comfortable and valued. 40 isn't too young to learn at all.

Whatever you do, DON'T tell your wife in any way that you don't find her attractive. This will have lasting negative effects on her self esteem.
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Old 15th January 2018, 10:09 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
how vital it is to make your partner feel DESIRED. To me, without desire, without an underlying current of lust, then you are just good friends and roommates.
Totally agree. I like the way you put that, "an underlying current of lust." Very true. Remove that, and as you point out, it's just a good friend or roommate.
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Old 15th January 2018, 11:53 PM   #26
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Just a few questions

Have you ever felt the type of feelings you seek for anyone else?

Have you ever felt those feelings for her at any point?

Are those feelings something that can be created with her, or are they impossible?

What types of things/actions make you feel "that way," and what kinds of things or actions don't?

Are there any actions she can take to be attractive? Are there any behaviors she could change to be attractive?

Is there anything you can do to find her more attractive?

These are questions that can help you determine your direction.
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Old 20th January 2018, 3:21 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by GoodOnPaper View Post
I understand where you are coming from and have had a long time to think about these kinds of issues - my wife was the first woman I met who was more interested in me than I was in her. But after a miserable singlehood of struggling to get dates/relationships - and even when I did, the women always monkeybranched to other guys - I figured it was worth seeing where things would go as we were (and are) great together from a compatibility standpoint. Then, before you know it, you have the marriage, family, and the whole picket-fence nine yards.
EXACTLY the same, except for the children.
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Old 20th January 2018, 3:39 PM   #28
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Is this a questionnaire? I like it
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Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
Hi Laszlo, sorry you are facing a dilemma like this. I have to ask you a few questions if you don't mind. Before you met your wife did you have any LTR/s with any other women?
No
Quote:
During your High School days did you have any puppy love type of relationship with a girl/s or were you the joker of the lot?
Not sure what you mean by puppy love type but I would say no.
Quote:
How do you rate your own looks?
I would say average, someone may find me cute
Quote:
Are you the Tarzan type alpha male spewing male pheromones or the Beta type shy guy?
Ah ah! Beta, even Gamma maybe Seriously, I don't think it's shyness, I'm just very reserved and not very communicative. I miss some basic social skills, due to prolonged years of solitude (not just in terms of relationships but also friends). But I have improved in this in the last few years.
Quote:
Are you a nerdy type of guy?
Partially
Quote:
Also, did your wife have any LTRs before you? Was she ever married before?
Yes but not married
Quote:
On the sexual front how experienced were the two of you before you started dating? If she had any LTRs what reason did she give for her breakups?
I had very little, she had a few LTRs so much more. From what I know her breakups, or at least the last one, were basically because her love was faded, and she felt that they were just roommate.
Quote:
Is she also the retiring, nerdy kind of person or is she more sociable and outgoing?
Definitely the second.
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Why did you decide to marry her after four years instead of continuing with a FWB relationship?
Mmmh... actually marriage wasn't my idea, but there were a set of circumstances that lead us to the point "breakup or marriage".
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Old 20th January 2018, 3:44 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by todreaminblue View Post
why do you have sex if you feel no desire for her? just going through the motions?
That's a good question. I guess that when we are close, the looks lose some importance. It's more the touch that counts. When we are in intimacy I find her more attractive.
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Old 20th January 2018, 4:12 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by Rosecat View Post
Have you ever felt the type of feelings you seek for anyone else?
What feeling are you referring to? If you mean the love that makes you feel butterflies in your stomach and seeing that person incredibly beautiful, yes, but we need to go back at least 15 years. If you mean just physical attraction, I see everyday on my commute to work girls that I find attractive or even beautiful. But also they are younger than me and my wife, so it's not a fair comparison.
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