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My wife and I have different views on what's normal after 11 yrs together.

 

I'm the evenings, once kids are in bed; One of us wants to sit together (same sofa, not sitting on each other but some physical contact ). The other thinks it's normal that this kind of closeness only happens once or twice a month, and being in the same room is sufficient / more than some couples have.

 

So, how long have you been with your mom partner and what sort of closeness do you have in the evenings before bed?

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xenawarriorprincess
My wife and I have different views on what's normal after 11 yrs together.

 

I'm the evenings, once kids are in bed; One of us wants to sit together (same sofa, not sitting on each other but some physical contact ). The other thinks it's normal that this kind of closeness only happens once or twice a month, and being in the same room is sufficient / more than some couples have.

 

So, how long have you been with your mom partner and what sort of closeness do you have in the evenings before bed?

 

I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10, and we cuddle/snuggle before bed almost every night. If I don't reach out for him then he will reach out for me. We are both very happy doing this and we are comfortable with the level of daily physical affection/ contact.

I personally don't like to compare my marriage to what might be "normal" for most couples. For example, in the United States, it might be "normal" for the average person to have weight related health problems, so just because something is within the "norm", it doesn't make it good, healthy, or better. I suggest that the two of you come to a compromise and do what feels right to you as a couple, rather than focusing on what "normal" couples do. :)

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I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10, and we cuddle/snuggle before bed almost every night. If I don't reach out for him then he will reach out for me. We are both very happy doing this and we are comfortable with the level of daily physical affection/ contact.

I personally don't like to compare my marriage to what might be "normal" for most couples. For example, in the United States, it might be "normal" for the average person to have weight related health problems, so just because something is within the "norm", it doesn't make it good, healthy, or better. I suggest that the two of you come to a compromise and do what feels right to you as a couple, rather than focusing on what "normal" couples do. :)

 

Ah yes... 100% agree in terms of 'normal' not necessarily being good. Just trying to get a sense of what a typica evening in the living room looks like...

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Once or twice a month? That would not be cool with me.

 

Now, we haven't been together for as long as you, but there is some physical contact - hugs, hand holding, snuggling that occurs every night when we are watching tv. There is also always a little cuddling in bed.

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georgia girl

We don’t sit and watch TV all that often but when we do, we are usually sitting next to each other. A lot of times, though, we are working on a project on the house or one of us is actually “working”. We also play a lot of board games, cook, work outside, etc. and mostly it’s together.

 

Gg

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Well...

 

We go out, we cuddle when we are out. Get home, make love.

 

If we don't go out, we cuddle in bed. Then we make love.

 

If you guys are not compatible in the area of affection (cuddling, kissing, touching) Then you need to get that way.

 

It will cause problems later if you do not.

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devilish innocent

We have no kids, but we've been living together for about 11 years. Here's what we do. We don't watch the same television shows and our computers are in separate rooms so we don't really spend the evenings together. We reserve that for during the day on Saturday when we play games or watch a movie together. In the evenings, we'll usually just stop by where the other person is and chat for a few minutes at a time. Every other evening or so, we'll really take a break from whatever else we're doing to simply snuggle and talk for ten to fifteen minutes.

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This is fascinating stuff. Thanks for the replies to far ! Hopefully will get more, and then I'll provide some more details of our situation

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Most evenings, we spend part of it sitting next to each other working on our computers, or sometimes do other projects around the house. Later, we usually cuddle and watch a movie or TV show, and that often leads to sex.

 

 

Our respective kids are grown and gone, and we've been together 18 years.

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We cuddle when my husband comes home. If we're both too busy for that, then we cuddle at when he's in bed. My husband also spoons me when I return to our bed later.

 

I used to withhold affection as a way of protecting myself from being hurt emotionally by my husband. Eventually, I realized that my childish refusal to forgive was only poisoning our marriage. Now I'm affectionate again.

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Married 45 years here and the secret to our success is not spending too much time together. When we first got married we shared a couch and wanted to be together all the time but now we find it best to give each other space. I work at home so too much time together is no good. I normally stay in my office/man cave until dinner. Then afterwards we sit in the same room on different chairs and watch TV until 10 pm. Then we both retire to our own bedrooms to watch TV and go on the internet. It works for us and we are still very much in love. My wife goes out 3 nights a week to play bingo or cards with her married friends and I get to watch all the action movies I want.

 

Sexually we did not live as most couples do. My wife discovered that she is bisexual and we lived most of our marriage in a poly triad with her best friend. All three of us loved one another and although neither of us dated our girlfriend without the other, my wife and our girlfriend went shopping, got their hair and nails done and just talked about girl stuff during the day while I worked. This is not something most people do but it worked for us.

 

We learned that we are better off not trying to fit into what we are supposed to do and instead, do what works best for us. For us, giving each other their own space works best. We have little in common other than our love for each other so why force it. We both do the things we enjoy doing without the other and some things we both enjoy too. We both love our girlfriend who is in another State now but if her husband dies before her, she will come to live with us again. She too lives her life the way it works for her and her husband and is married over 30 years.

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Married almost 20 years. Both work. Two kids. We have very little time together except first thing in the morning or last thing at night.

 

So we are inseparable at those times. We cuddle in bed every night. Unless we are fighting and even then sometimes we call a truce to cuddle before bed.

 

If we have time to watch TV on a week day evening, we only do that in bed cuddling. We would not waste time watching TV at that time of day, if we could not also embrace while doing it. Our now teen aged kids make fun of us for this and may even be genuinely grossed out by it but we do it anyway.

 

On a weekend we might watch TV sitting up in the family room but we would be on the same couch, probably holding hands and/or laying together on the couch in some half erect fashion.

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First of all, thanks for sticking it out. 11 years, kids, career(s), life...they all can contribute negatively to a marriage. But not many things are more important to the mental, spiritual, and emotional health of children than growing up in a two parent home. So, don't be afraid to do what needs to be done to provide that two parent home for your kids.

 

To answer your question...I think it depends on what the days entail. After all, husbands and wives go through the day doing what they need to do to get done what needs to be done on their end. By 11 o'clock, one person may be completely warn out from a day's activity while his or her spouse may just be getting started. I think a loving spouse should take that into consideration before passing any kind of judgment on their better half. Maybe a good foot rub or a back massage or just being there would bring tremendous satisfaction after a long day. That may not satisfy your needs, but a good marriage focuses on giving more that receiving.

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We've been together for 9 years, no kids.

 

We don't always have every evening together due to the nature of his job, but when we do, we spend about 80% of our evening together. On weekday evenings, we usually have dinner together (in the house or out), then either play games or watch a show together. After that, cuddling and/or sex before the SO goes to bed (I sleep much later, but always get in the bed with him). On weekend evenings, about the same thing, except we usually go out for longer and do something more than just dinner. We do sometimes stay in the same room while doing separate things, but not the majority of the time.

 

I would be very concerned if my partner thought we didn't need to spend any quality time together.

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"normal" is such a loaded word. Compromise is in order. If one of you wants daily sofa time & the other only wants 2 days a month, the average is 16x per month. So how do you feel about every other day? At a minimum I think it has to be at least once per week.

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RecentChange

Been together (living together) for a little over 16 years. No kids. We both keep busy schedules, I am out of the house 13-16 hours a day, so the evenings are our time to spend together.

 

Typical night, I cook dinner. We eat it together, and then do the dishes together. Then we retire to the living room. He may watch TV, I may read a book.

 

When I get tired ( get up 3 hours before him) I get comfy.. which means my head on his lap, and I fall asleep, as he strokes my hair (and watches TV or whatever) just about every single night.

 

Or maybe we have sex and then fall asleep together (when we have different schedules, he will stay with me until I fall asleep then get back up)

 

I would say we sit closely together and cuddle every single day.

 

I am a big "physical touch" person - its huge for me. No freaking way I would be okay with once a month, I wouldn't be okay with it being just twice a week!

Edited by RecentChange
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My wife and I have different views on what's normal after 11 yrs together.

 

I'm the evenings, once kids are in bed; One of us wants to sit together (same sofa, not sitting on each other but some physical contact ). The other thinks it's normal that this kind of closeness only happens once or twice a month, and being in the same room is sufficient / more than some couples have.

 

So, how long have you been with your mom partner and what sort of closeness do you have in the evenings before bed?

 

 

 

Because of our different shifts, we rarely get to see each other in the evenings during the week, just on weekends. We've been together 11 years too, and she will still lie on me on the couch if we are watching a movie or sports or whatever. It is almost implied that she does this. Often we fall asleep this way for a bit.

 

 

I think you ought to "cuddle" with each other more than once or twice a month. Because if that is the case then maybe there is something else that you only do once or twice a month.

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First of all, thanks for sticking it out. 11 years, kids, career(s), life...they all can contribute negatively to a marriage. But not many things are more important to the mental, spiritual, and emotional health of children than growing up in a two parent home. So, don't be afraid to do what needs to be done to provide that two parent home for your kids.

 

To answer your question...I think it depends on what the days entail. After all, husbands and wives go through the day doing what they need to do to get done what needs to be done on their end. By 11 o'clock, one person may be completely warn out from a day's activity while his or her spouse may just be getting started. I think a loving spouse should take that into consideration before passing any kind of judgment on their better half. Maybe a good foot rub or a back massage or just being there would bring tremendous satisfaction after a long day. That may not satisfy your needs, but a good marriage focuses on giving more that receiving.

 

Thanks. I agree that as with the personalities involved, what the day entails is important. So here is a typical day:

 

I get up at 6.15 and leave for work by 6.45. Wife gets up when the kids wake - normally between 7 and 7.30. My kids (4 and 6) have a mix of going to school a couple half days, and being homeschooled the rest of the time. I'd prefer it if the kids were in school (we have a great one minutes walk away) but wife wants to keep them home. I'd prefer it if my wife worked and we had childcare. She actually got a job last year, but quit after 6 weeks or so because it was exhausting and she missed the kids and wanted to be home with them again.

 

During the day, my wife also does the housework, laundry (not mine - I've always done my own), and runs errands, takes kids to appointments etc. I've taken over grocery shopping, which I do on the weekend. I get home around 5.30pm on weeknights. Wife gets dinner together most nights, but I'll sometimes do it 2-3 times a week. We clean up together, or I clean up alone. She normally goes to take a bath at 7, and will be in there for 60-90 minutes. Between 7.30 and 8, I put the kids to bed (which with 4 and 6 yr olds can be quite the cat herding exercise). Around once a week she'll take an earlier bath and do bedtime. Also - my kids are terrible sleepers and one of them will wake up 3-4 nights a week. I go in there nearly every time they wake - my wife normally sleeps through it, but goes in maybe one in every 5 times they wake.

 

By 9pm we're normally both done our bath / shower and in the living room. Aside from rare instances every couple weeks, my wife will never sit next to me on the sofa, and if she's sitting first, and I sit next to her (rather than on the other sofa) she seems annoyed.

 

When there is affection - be it sitting together on the sofa, or having sex, most of the time I feel it's given out of a sense of duty rather than being driven by genuine feelings, which isn't exactly a boon for my self esteem.

 

There was a time my wife would say she was just touched out from our kids, but now they're older / less touchy, and she says she's not touched out anymore. So when I ask why she never wants to sit with me, this is where her "it's normal after 11 years together that we don't cuddle as much" stuff comes from. I don't really buy it (and that's putting aside the fact that "normal" is loaded, and "normal" isn't necessarily good). She's also said quite a few times that being where we are with young kids and without family support (both our families are elsewhere) has left her with nothing left to give me. We moved to where we are because she and I both wanted to live in a culturally rich city, and I got an awesome very well paying job that has allowed us to buy a lovely house and be financially comfortable while I'm still employed.

 

I think what's happening is one of, or a mix of us having very different ideas of what marriage is about, and/or her just not being into me anymore. I don't think I'd have married her if she'd said that once we had kids and been together x years, she'd have nothing left to give me.

 

As for doing what needs to be done to provide a two parent home for my kids. This is the great internal struggle I'm having. I want to provide that for my kids, and the idea of not seeing them every day is crushing to me because I love them so much, and don't want them to grow up in a split family as I did.

 

But there's only so much I can take. I never thought it would be possible to feel so lonely in a marriage, and feel that the marriage is so one sided. We have tried marriage counseling (2 different counselors), but all that happened is my wife got angry and resentful at things I'd say (she said I was needy for wanting to spend more quality time with her - but I'm really not a needy person.)

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Can you give her this last post of yours in print and ask her to read it?

 

It's possible that if she understands fully that you're considering divorce she may realize you think affection from her is your top priority.

 

She should consider your feelings (that's what a loving partner does) - your needs are important. If she's not considerate and loving to your needs then she's not honoring the vows she took with you.

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When I read your story, I see a wife who is not well. The biggest red flag for me was the fact that she found work exhausting and chose to keep the kids home because "she missed them and wanted to spend more time with them." In other words, she is home schooling for her best interest, not theirs.

 

So many issues here including the fact that the marriage is very one sided, she is completely checked out, and she will not communicate or consider your needs in making decisions that affect the family (ie. going back to work and sending the children to school). The fact that she doesn't see how she is contributing/contaminating the relationship and won't commit to marriage counselling is not a good thing.

 

You are in a tough spot. You have done your part and tries to get some help. I think you need to lay it on the line for her so that she understands how serious this is... That you are considering divorce if she doesn't change her ways...

 

I'm sorry.

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BarbedFenceRider

{I get up at 6.15 and leave for work by 6.45.} - Who does this?! Do you not even have time to put your socks on? lol

 

I get up at 3am. Leave the house by 4am. And arrive at work an hour later. I have 12 hour work days and two hours on travel time a day. Loong days make for frantic schedules with kids and all. But like others here, cuddle time on the couch is a requirement and necessity. Also, we bond while she cooks dinner and I prepare drinks. (Hers is a Margarita, mines a craft beer). If we don't spoon in the bed, we touch feet. If that unexpectedly stops, I know there's a problem...

 

As for your situation, she sounds checked out. Maybe she needs some alone time without you and the kids to figure out what she wants to put into this family.... Because, you are correct. This relationship is very one sided. You are the provider, that makes her the care taker...Except, she's not very caretaking. She needs to be advised, there will be others who will fill that role nicely if she doesn't...

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Trail Blazer

I feel for you buddy. You're in a tough spot. It sounds like you're doing everything required as a husband and provider, doing a fantastic job at that, yet you aren't getting much back in return. A guy in your shoes does deserve better.

 

As another poster said, she probably has problems. It's definitely some kind of mental health issue. If you can reconcile with her having a mental health problem, you might feel less down about yourself and you might even be able to get her some effective treatment.

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Hi 11AM, what do you plan to do to resolve your problem. You seem to have tried all the standard remedies and non has worked due to your wife's intransigent attitude. She does not view any of what she is doing as a problem. As far as I can see she has to be shocked out of her comfort zone( too comfortable in my opinion) which means you may have to present her with divorce papers. Very definitely, her life will not be comfortable as a single mom even on child support and alimony payments and you may have to sell the house and both of you move into more modest homes which of course she will not like at all.

 

I do not know if there is anything else less drastic that you can do. You could sit her down and have a serious conversation with her about your complete dissatisfaction with the way things are and let her know that she either changes her attitude or you are out of this marriage. Do not let her brow beat you into reconsidering your position. Warm wishes.

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I think your wife is socially isolating herself.

She has managed to construct a lovely cocoon for herself and she resists leaving it, the kids NEED to be home schooled and she CANT work as it was too exhausting...

BUT she hates it too, she is on a treadmill that she cannot get off.

she is frustrated and angry.

 

YOU are free, you are in an awesome high paid job, you do not have these kids 24/7, they do not rely on you being there for them, the buck does not stop with you.

YOU are a success, she is a nanny/housekeeper.

 

She is probably bored out of her skull and she sees no real way out of this situation, she will feel very guilty if she has to send her kids to school now she has set this high standard and it will also be a failure for her to do so

 

She is lonely but you are not the company she wants, she probably resents you for placing her in this situation and I guess cuddling leads to sex and as sex is probably not what she wants she does not want to be cuddling either.

But saying that, some people are just not cuddly people, especially if they grew up in a household where cuddling is not the norm.

 

I also think depression plays a big part here.

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Thanks for the support and suggestions. It's really a frustrating and sad situation.

 

Whenever I do bring up any of my concerns, her reaction is typically to say I'm being dramatic, or I'm too sensitive, or I'm being hurtful. And then she's just angry at me. Things are just fine as long as I don't bring any of this stuff up and as long as I don't let being treated like this put me in a bad mood - which of course it eventually does. I'm not perfect - the lack of sleep and grind and hard work can make me have a shorter temper than I used to have.

 

But I don't run around shouting, and we never fight in front of the kids. I know I'm a good husband and a good father, and I know I deserve better. A few weeks ago I got a cold. Nothing too serious, but I had a bit of a fever, so I stayed at home to work for a couple of days. The first day, when I still had a fever, I worked in bed. My wife didn't offer me anything, and I asked nothing of her. Yet, she admitted being annoyed with me working from home, and sitting in bed drinking tea. Like WTF?

 

I think my wife is depressed, but her solution is that we all move out of state (to a small town in a state I don't want to live in), so that my wife can be closer to her sister and sister's kids. I could possibly work remote for a while, but it would effectively end any long term career at a great company that I love working for. Wife says I could do freelance / consultancy work - which I used to do 8 yrs ago for about 25% of my current salary (and that's not even accounting for how expensive healthcare is nowadays if you don't get it through your employer). And I don't want to live in a small town in the midwest.

 

She says she wants me there too, but I think it's just as a provider and to share parenting duties. I'd love to get custody of my kids, but I know it won't happen. Unfortunately I don't even think I'd be able to prevent them moving if we divorce, because of the relocation laws in my state.

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