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Friend vs Emotional Affair


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 2nd January 2018, 11:57 AM   #46
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Again OP, why can't you have a female friend instead of relying on another man?
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Old 5th January 2018, 12:31 AM   #47
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Hi Folks, to me it appears there are two possibilities here. One is, as Sandy has pointed out, that the husband is giving subtle hints to the OP to 'get' with this guy friend of hers. In other words he wants her to become a 'Hotwife'. The other possibility is that he has more or less checked out of the marriage and is probably having or is on the verge of having an affair himself. His wife getting involved with another guy would be the perfect foil for him. As it is the OP has said that her marriage is NOT strong. That by it self is a big Red Flag in the context of all the other things that are going on in her life.

Dovebrandy, can you please expand on your statement saying both your marriages are not very strong? Why would you say that about your own marriage? Has there been infidelity in your marriage in the past? Currently, you seem to have a happy go lucky relationship with your husband, hardly the reason for you to say that your marriage is not strong. What about the emotional bond between you and your husband? Is it strong, so so or tenuous? Is it a 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' situation? I think you need to answer these questions for yourself if not for the folks on here trying to give you perspectives on your situation. The fact is, whichever way you look at it, you have a situation which is ready to snowball into a very inappropriate one very soon. If you are the kind of person who would be happy or at least unaffected by this situation then by all means keep on going on. If at all, your sense of ethics would be severely compromised by such a situation, then it is time for you to get off the rollercoaster you are on because that is what it is. As you continue, you will be drawn in deeper into the morass of an emotional and most likely a physical affair, sooner rather than later. Warm wishes.
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Old 11th February 2018, 3:50 PM   #48
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Thanks again to everyone for your responses.

I've been MIA lately, as things between my co-worker and I have shifted.

To answer the last question, my husband and I do not have a strong relationship in the traditional sense. We married young because I was pregnant. We've made the best of it, treating it much like an arranged marriage. We get along well enough, but there is no love there on the romantic side. I suppose we love each other as family members, but neither of us have ever felt a romantic spark and I do not ever expect that to change. I've never cheated, nor has he that I know of, but our relationship is based around our children and work.

As far as the co-worker, things have been drastically different since Christmas. He sent me a nice gift, which I'm not sure I responded properly to. Also, I was going through some family issues, which I opened up to him about a little, but not very much as I do not typically open up to anyone. He knows I tend to push others away rather than let them in. Once when I did say something, he said he had been wondering but didn't want to intrude.

In the weeks since, he doesn't call as much. Doesn't open up as he previously did, and doesn't respond to my texts anymore. I'm sure it is better this way, but I do miss his friendship.

He will still tell me things like talking to me brightens his day. How there are no boundaries in our friendship. How he will miss me when I'm on vacation next week. How overwhelmed he is with work and family. How much he would like me to come visit.

Yet, we now only talk a few times a week. No more hour long personal calls. Mostly, 20 min. convos centered around work. I miss his friendship tremendously. Not sure how he felt or feels about me. We never spoke of anything more. Maybe I misread him from the start, and he was only my friend and he began to feel we were getting too close and backed away. Maybe he did feel something and I pushed him away completely and lost a much needed friend in the process. Best guess is I'll never know.
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Old 11th February 2018, 5:12 PM   #49
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My 2-cents:

1) Don't fool yourself thinking this is more than a fantasy game in your and your friend's head. The truth is this type of intense virtual emotional relationships are rarely successful in real life (not only because you two are probably not that close geographically but, most importantly, because there is a universe of difference in real life interactions vs purely virtual ones). They feel very real and consuming but they are mostly fantasy.

2) Don't worry too much about feeling you must disclose everything to your husband. I do believe even married people are entitled to a bit of privacy and "me-time". Of course, within limits. You do not want to be disrespectful to your husband or hurt your family by spending too much time/energy doing things on your own. I believe relationships where there is the constant expectation of sharing everything with the spouse/partner can become quite suffocating. And sometimes sharing too much can end up hurting the ones we love the most. It is human nature.

3) Take this friendship for what it is: a super fun adventure that gave you a virtual break from the day-to-day grind in a long term marriage. Sort of a fun virtual, harmless adventure for you and this guy. But something that is just that. Chalk it up as an adventure for personal growth and move on. No one got hurt and it was a boatload of excitement. Don't overthink it.

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Old 12th February 2018, 6:33 AM   #50
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Geez..how about putting forth an effort to make a friend out of your husband. You would kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
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Old 12th February 2018, 12:36 PM   #51
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Geez..how about putting forth an effort to make a friend out of your husband. You would kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
The above is so true. And remember it is easier to FIX a broken marriage
then a marriage broken by an affair.

Oh, by the way your OM is playing you like a Stradivarius fiddle.
He worked you to get close. But it did not get him into bed with you.
So he pulls out the old "pull back" trick to get you to miss him
enough that you will have sex with him.

In all the years that I have worked I have never seen married people
give opposite sex co-workers gifts. Inappropriate and in bad taste.

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Old 14th February 2018, 11:34 PM   #52
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Meh. One of my best friends is a male. Big deal. We have zero interest in one another, live far apart, and when we see each other, there's no worries about attraction, what have you.

That said, I tell him just about everything, things I'd tell a best girlfriend any day. I have my personal space and my husband does not need to know every little thing about me and how I feel.
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Old 16th February 2018, 1:50 AM   #53
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Hi Just, is this friendship with this male Best Friend purely platonic or are there undertones of emotional yearning in the friendship? In your own thread you have mentioned walking around on eggshells in the presence of your husband which leads one to believe that your marriage is not in the healthiest of states. If, in this situation, you are communing with a member of the opposite sex and spilling all your secrets as you would to a woman friend, then I only hope you are not disrespecting your marriage and your husband by discussing matters which your husband would be loath to have aired outside the bounds of marital confidentiality. It is so easy to cross boundaries when one is in an emotionally stressed state.

This kind of discussion has taken place on this forum before. The consensus has been that opposite sex friends are fine as long as there is complete transparency about the friendship and if the primary relationship is on a strong wicket. If communication between husband and wife is good and open then sure go ahead and have your friends, male or female. If, on the other hand the primary relationship is wonky in the smallest measure, then opposite sex friends are anathema. Just some thoughts. Warm wishes.
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Old 16th February 2018, 7:39 AM   #54
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Originally Posted by dovebrandy1 View Post
...have become extremely close over the past few months. We talk almost daily and text often.
.... our talks vary between intense laughter and some deep emotional conversations.
...He often tells me he feels he is able to talk to me more openly and freely than anyone else. He admits he may say too much at times, but he just feels so comfortable with me.
... I'm starting to really open up and let this guy friend in.
... our spouses know we are friends, although doubt either know the true extent of how much or what we discuss. Our chats are about anything and EVERYTHING.
...we both often make a point of saying how much our friendship means to each other.
,...What are the warning signs to look out for to ensure we do not cross any boundries? I don't want to lose the first friend I've been able to make in a long time, but I also don't want either of us to experience any heartache by sliding into inappropriate territory under the guise of friendship..
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...my husband and I do not have a strong relationship
... there is no love there on the romantic side. I suppose we love each other as family members, but neither of us have ever felt a romantic spark and I do not ever expect that to change.
...the co-worker ... sent me a nice gift, which I'm not sure I responded properly to.
... I do miss his friendship.
...He will still tell me things like talking to me brightens his day.
...How there are no boundaries in our friendship.
...How he will miss me when I'm on vacation next week.
...How overwhelmed he is with work and family.
... How much he would like me to come visit.

...I miss his friendship tremendously.
Ummm, am I right that little has changed since OP's first post in her outlook and attitude? I'm wondering if there was ever really a question? I think she wanted help how to take it to the next level actually. All the rationalizations are in place. No qualms about the marriage. So what's stopping you, db?

Maybe this is more what you were hoping to hear:
dovebrandy, why don't you just take that invitation of his to "come visit" and run with it? You might never know love and caring from anyone like this ever again. How can you risk losing it??

What have you got to lose? You can come up with something to tell hubby; that won't be hard. As you said, there's no love lost, no marriage, so how could you be doing anything wrong?
Does that make it any easier for you? Is that what you were waiting for?
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Old 18th February 2018, 8:51 AM   #55
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Hi Folks, I doubt very much that the OP is going to return. It is so obvious that this so called friendship with this male friend of hers was bordering on an EA if it was not actually an EA. What I do not understand is why the OP has condemned herself to a loveless marriage rather than separating from her husband amicably and finding someone who she can truly love and who will reciprocate her love. What a terrible way to decide to live. I do hope she is able to free herself from this loveless marriage and walk away to find true love for herself before she gets caught in a web of lies and deceit and ends up cheating on her husband. Just some thoughts. Warm wishes.

Last edited by Just a Guy; 18th February 2018 at 8:55 AM..
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Old 18th February 2018, 11:53 AM   #56
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Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
Hi Folks, I doubt very much that the OP is going to return. It is so obvious that this so called friendship with this male friend of hers was bordering on an EA if it was not actually an EA. What I do not understand is why the OP has condemned herself to a loveless marriage rather than separating from her husband amicably and finding someone who she can truly love and who will reciprocate her love. What a terrible way to decide to live. I do hope she is able to free herself from this loveless marriage and walk away to find true love for herself before she gets caught in a web of lies and deceit and ends up cheating on her husband. Just some thoughts. Warm wishes.
Very nice, JaG. I was hoping somebody would come back and spell it out.
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