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Whats Marriage really like


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 29th December 2017, 1:21 PM   #16
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I came to the forum asking the same question. TBH some of the post could scare a man from marriage permanently. However this is not real life. I am the same age and my fiancee is a little younger. My goals in life have pretty much been achieved. My child's is in college (100% paid for) I have no debt, a decent amount of savings and a great job. Finding a woman, let alone marriage was the furthest thing from my mind a year ago.

I met a friend of a good friend at a party one Friday night and started to pursue. I had no clue that I had been "stalked" for a year. With the assistance of my best womanfreind, she set the whole thing up and Presto, life changed instantly. We spent the entire weekend together and that was all she wrote.

I have no doubt that she wants the forever with me. She has her own money and the last of her children will leave for college next year. She told me she wanted me for love and love only. That was enough for me, so i bought the ring.

The forum has very few good stories of marriage, but it has opened up communication between us. We dont worry about infidelity, but the thread about sexless marriage due to health issues are her concern. Ovarian and breast cancer are common in her family tree. Our toughest conversation is her desire to have 1 more child. I could go either way, but the thought of her passing early gives me nightmares.

Love and marriage, later in life can be the best thing ever. But it has the pitfalls that age inflicts upon all of us. Life doesn't last forever You might as well enjoy every second that you have.

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Old 29th December 2017, 1:36 PM   #17
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I just had breakfast with my good friend who got married a couple months ago for the first time at age 46. She said, "I still can't believe I'm married." I told her I couldn't either, and actually kept "forgetting." She said, "It doesn't feel much different except now I'm living with a boy!" I think for her the biggest adjustment is just being with another person so much since they did not live together beforehand.
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Old 29th December 2017, 2:04 PM   #18
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The first part of my marriage was good. A continued honeymoon. Then the baby came. We didn’t handle the change in our lives well. The additional responsibilities, demands, and pressures.

I think most people can handle the good times.

The challenge of marriage is handling the difficult times. Those transitional periods. Managing conflict and disagreements. If you can navigate those things and keep a strong and respectful bond, then I think you can have a good marriage.
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Old 4th January 2018, 5:07 PM   #19
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The only difference between marriage and a LTR ( assuming everything else is similar - merged finances, expectation of fidelity, etc ) is that marriage is legally harder and more expensive to get out of when it hits the fan.

That's it.

The other stuff is just emtional hoo-hah that we pick up through life. Mostly it's women who believe marriage is supposed to "fix" something.
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Old 4th January 2018, 5:15 PM   #20
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In normal drama-less marriages, there is a lot of security in them. Security that someone is always there and a myriad of other security attributes. The security is one of the best things about marriage.
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Old 4th January 2018, 6:08 PM   #21
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In normal drama-less marriages, there is a lot of security in them. Security that someone is always there and a myriad of other security attributes. The security is one of the best things about marriage.
Which really brings us back to the origins of marriage. Not love, but security. She gets a roof over her head and support to raise the children. He gets someone who will take care of the domestic work in return.
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Old 4th January 2018, 7:03 PM   #22
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Coming originally from a pessimist view of relationships in general, I had a mantra of "No wife, no kids, no problems".
I had strung along many girls in dating but no commitments made. Women hated the fact that I could detach so easily. But by mid 20s and on, it was a single mother's party. And I wanted no part of that.
By 30 I had a big change in my life that is really personal. I have eluded to it in posts prior in other threads but safe to say, I had the one...
One woman who stood by me when everyone else jumped ship. That woman was a girlfriend at the time and I decided I didn't want her to find someone else! So at 30 I had built a house, got married and had a kid in short order. And some of you talk about pressure. lol
To me, marriage is a religious and spiritual aspect of 2 becoming 1 under God. Regardless if it was in a church or in a court house, vegas chapel or otherwise. You made the commitment till death do you part. To go through the challenges in life together as one with family, community and spirit. I take it seriously as if something happens to my marriage, that will be it. I'm a one and done guy. I will have tried to make the impossible possible. But I would have failed.
In my faith aspect, that means I no longer receive communion, and I no longer seek out another life partner. One man, one woman, one marriage. That's it.
The beauty of it is that I find my wife the center of my being. My kids are my heroes. And together, life is just amazing. I love being centered. I love the idea that our commitment has stronger ties than most. And is a challenge readily accepted. While outside forces and society battle against this daily, sometimes the fear level is through the roof. But I am truly alive and present through the hard times and good. I guess thats why I'm here at LS....Hoping to learn from others and relate and understand myself better.
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Old 4th January 2018, 8:19 PM   #23
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In normal drama-less marriages, there is a lot of security in them. Security that someone is always there and a myriad of other security attributes. The security is one of the best things about marriage.

The perception of security, you mean. I submit that all else being equal, there is no more security with marriage, than with a solid long term relationship.
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Old 4th January 2018, 9:13 PM   #24
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One man, one woman, one marriage. That's it.
The beauty of it is that I find my wife the center of my being. My kids are my heroes. And together, life is just amazing. I love being centered. I love the idea that our commitment has stronger ties than most. And is a challenge readily accepted. While outside forces and society battle against this daily, sometimes the fear level is through the roof. But I am truly alive and present through the hard times and good.
The proverbial needle in the haystack. There is life. Blessings in the New Year to you and yours.
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Old 4th January 2018, 9:46 PM   #25
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My husband and I have been married for more than 20 years now, and it is a first marriage for both of us. We got "engaged" after knowing each other a couple of days ( we had a long engagement), and three kids, I don't know how many homes and many moves later, I can honestly say it has had its ups and downs.

I am only speaking for myself ( others may feel differently) but to me, getting married was the ultimate form of commitment I could make to another person, beyond choosing to be a parent. We lived together for a bit over a year before we married, and to me, the differences aren't easy to put into words,but they are there. It meant that I wanted to share my life with him in the foulest sense of the word, and the 'for better or worse" part of our ceremony was very important to me.

Where I live, couples can be considered "common law" spouses, and have most of the same rights and tax breaks as a married couple. In my point of view, marriage should never be something that someone walks into lightly or does for any other reason than they are fully ready to commit to another person. Divorce is so far down on my radar hat it is barely even an option ( except for one time, and even then, it would only have happened as a last resort) and I have never regretted my choice.

I'm not trying to paint our picture as all roses and sunshine, as there have been times where it was anything but. There have been times when, for five cents, I could have throttled him, and I expect he feels the same about me. I honestly can't put my finger on exactly why we work ( I leave that side of life for those more philosophical than I) but we do.

In the end, I guess that's what really matters.
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Old 4th January 2018, 10:02 PM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
Coming originally from a pessimist view of relationships in general, I had a mantra of "No wife, no kids, no problems".
I had strung along many girls in dating but no commitments made. Women hated the fact that I could detach so easily. But by mid 20s and on, it was a single mother's party. And I wanted no part of that.
By 30 I had a big change in my life that is really personal. I have eluded to it in posts prior in other threads but safe to say, I had the one...
One woman who stood by me when everyone else jumped ship. That woman was a girlfriend at the time and I decided I didn't want her to find someone else! So at 30 I had built a house, got married and had a kid in short order. And some of you talk about pressure. lol
To me, marriage is a religious and spiritual aspect of 2 becoming 1 under God. Regardless if it was in a church or in a court house, vegas chapel or otherwise. You made the commitment till death do you part. To go through the challenges in life together as one with family, community and spirit. I take it seriously as if something happens to my marriage, that will be it. I'm a one and done guy. I will have tried to make the impossible possible. But I would have failed.
In my faith aspect, that means I no longer receive communion, and I no longer seek out another life partner. One man, one woman, one marriage. That's it.
The beauty of it is that I find my wife the center of my being. My kids are my heroes. And together, life is just amazing. I love being centered. I love the idea that our commitment has stronger ties than most. And is a challenge readily accepted. While outside forces and society battle against this daily, sometimes the fear level is through the roof. But I am truly alive and present through the hard times and good. I guess thats why I'm here at LS....Hoping to learn from others and relate and understand myself better.
I was the exact opposite to you. I never thought about things, I always backed myself to handle any situation, I always thought that marriage and life in general would be a piece of cake. I grew up in an only child household with a single mom. My dad left when I was 3 and returned to his country of origin before returning with his new wife and settling in California 4 years later. I only saw him on summer break for a week or 2.

My mom was ultra cautious after being burnt by my dad. She never remarried, never met another guy while I was growing up, she never really did anything. She paid a mortage on a shoe string budget. I found life growing up boring and a little frustrating. My mom tried, but with little guidance and no male role model, I pretty much did as I pleased.

Decision making wasn't my strong point. Which is why I jumped into anything, left my home state when I was 20 and, 4 years and 1 kid later, I was married. Had another kid straight after, so that was 4 kids all up including hers. She was earning really good money, but then things went wrong, communication broke down, we both changed and had different perspectives on things. As of a week ago, we are now separated.

I'd say that marriage sucks. But I'd only be saying it from my perspective. If it's done right, it has the potential to be awesome. But really, what difference is it compared to living long term unmarried? Sure, if you're religious then that aspect may be important. I'm an atheist so there's no religious aspect for me to worry about. Marriage only exposes me to being ripped apart finacially when it goes wrong.

At this stage in life I cannot see myself getting married again. I don't want to get married and see it of little benefit. I'm not stupid enough to think that I will feel this way forever though. At some point down the track, years after my divorce is finalized, I'll meet someone else when I'm not looking and where I least expect to, and I'll have some tough decisions to make. Lose the person you love because you won't wed them. Or wed them and risk losing everything else.

I'll need years before I'm ready to recommit. At 33 I'm going to spend my money on my hobbies, working on/building cars, my 2 kids and saving for a house. Women? I'll be ultra cautious. Lying and stringing people along isn't my thing - I don't think my conscience would allow me to have a sexual relationship with someone who wants more. Perhaps for a short period of time? Who knows... maybe I'll become so jaded I won't care and I'll just use people for my own gain. I don't know, but 2018 will be a watershed year for me.

Last edited by Trail Blazer; 4th January 2018 at 10:05 PM..
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Old 5th January 2018, 6:32 AM   #27
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The perception of security, you mean. I submit that all else being equal, there is no more security with marriage, than with a solid long term relationship.

I will skip the rewards of having kids (a big reason for marriage) and talk about this =

Security + comfort

I have had two very difficult marriages (low sex and infidelity have damaged things), but I will promote that for me now (in this second marriage) there is mutual security and some comfort. Economically its challenging these days - two incomes and resources (health insurance and benefits) make life more secure and comfortable. This is even more so in supporting our kids with their economic needs (school, medical, activities). Extend this to retirement (about 10-15 years away for us) and two incomes and mutual support and security is a nice thing to have being married.

Both my wife and I have moderate (but not severe) health issues - and now the normal aches and pains and issues that start showing up at 50 ish. Someone to help with the kids, home, food, when your sick, or even the occasional overnight at a hospital its nice to have the security and comfort that comes with our marriage.

Also while we have some differences in life style (i am more physically active) - we enjoy generally similar things - food, TV/Movies, vacations, politics, and general conversations. So its nice not to be sitting alone - and to enjoy some companionship.

I know this sounds all very "practical" and passion less (I miss good sex), but its a tough world and hard life at times.... and having a committed legal partner to create and maintain and support a place of comfort and security is not a bad thing about marriage..... for me.


P.S.

But to each their own - I have a female married friend who has had money problems - near poverty issues for 15 years with her husband. Her husband also has drinking problems (recently spend 30 days in jail), and their home is falling a part, their one car sometimes does not run - but they have a deeply connected and passionate love (lots of sex and emotional bonds and honesty). We talked and neither of us would trade for the others situation.
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Last edited by dichotomy; 5th January 2018 at 6:41 AM..
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