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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 28th December 2017, 6:36 PM   #16
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I am not going to agree with you any more beyond saying you have written things that are completely contradictory, including a desire to give up your child, a lack of love for anyone but yourself etc.

Those were your words, not ours.

The issues in your relationship are well beyond the scope of any arm chair advice provided by the internet. You all need real help, real serious help.

One parent attacking the other with a knife while the baby is in the mix..... Is a whole other level.
For sure, welcome to the world of a gemini . I want this and that.

I think it was a bit exaggerated, but she was also very drunk. This would never happen sober, so I have some faith in her left. Some lol.
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:43 PM   #17
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Yes.... And someone who blames the stars for their lack of stability.

Good luck.
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:43 PM   #18
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Well, looking for communication strategies to help your relationship in this case is going to be about as effective as throwing a bucket of water on a house going up in flames...

My friend, you are trying to nurture a healthy relationship with a woman who has mental illness, issues with alcohol and substance abuse, is financially irresponsible, violent, and threatens self-harm as a form of control, and manipulation... not going to happen.

I feel badly for this child. I would be surprised if CFS doesn't appear on your door one day, based on the very unhealthy situation in which you are trying to raise your child.
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Old 28th December 2017, 7:15 PM   #19
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Yes.... And someone who blames the stars for their lack of stability.

Good luck.
Who said I was not stable?
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Old 28th December 2017, 7:22 PM   #20
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Thanks for the honesty.

Okay, so what do I no now? I need some really clear instructions folks. I'm up for anything. I need this ****ing resolved asap.

What do I say? It feels like every time I try to break up with her she pulls one of her emotional tantrums and I am back at square one. I want a breakup, she doesn't, so she pulls **** to try and manipulate me into staying with her. Do I need to bring in someone to act as a mediant?

Is it easier to write a break-up note maybe?

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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
Well, looking for communication strategies to help your relationship in this case is going to be about as effective as throwing a bucket of water on a house going up in flames...

My friend, you are trying to nurture a healthy relationship with a woman who has mental illness, issues with alcohol and substance abuse, is financially irresponsible, violent, and threatens self-harm as a form of control, and manipulation... not going to happen.

I feel badly for this child. I would be surprised if CFS doesn't appear on your door one day, based on the very unhealthy situation in which you are trying to raise your child.
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Old 28th December 2017, 8:18 PM   #21
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Is it easier to write a break-up note maybe?
For you. I can't imagine it will be received well.

When/if you do tell her that you want to end the relationship, the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT thing to consider is the safety of your child. This woman sounds very unstable and as such, you can't predict how she will respond. You MUST get your child to a safe and secure location before you even consider telling this woman that the relationship is done.
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Old 28th December 2017, 9:12 PM   #22
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At 42 if she hasn't grown up you have to assume she won't. Knowing that she will never be a responsible adult who understands finances or can provide a clean home, what do you want to do now? The mess can be fixed with a cleaning service but because she's not working, I sense that is not in the budget.


Have you ever really said to her -- grow up, learn to budget & care for our house or I'm leaving & meant it? Are you strong enough to walk away? If not, all you can do is continue to scream at the rain. She's not going to change. If you give her equal custody are you sure your child will be safe in a dirty messy environment with a depressed mother who will live wherever public support allows her & who leaves food out around the child to spoil & possibly contaminate your kid? Will this mother really baby proof the cabinets so a toddler doesn't try to eat cleaning supplies?


She's the mother of your child. Do NOT write her a break up note. You had the stones procreate. Have the stones to dump her face to face like a man. It would be OK to jot down thoughts in advance but do have the baby out of the house when you take on this emotional wreck.
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Old 28th December 2017, 11:50 PM   #23
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Not this nuclear family american garbage.
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I am looking for different tactics in communication because my present methods are not working.
Well, one problem in your communication style that I can identify is that you are unnecessarily offensive!
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Old 29th December 2017, 12:30 PM   #24
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This is just bizarre. You two can't afford eggs but you're buying weed for yourself and smoking on the regular with a baby around??? And you say SHE'S the one who needs help adulting?
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Last edited by Elswyth; 29th December 2017 at 12:32 PM..
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Old 29th December 2017, 1:24 PM   #25
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Well, one problem in your communication style that I can identify is that you are unnecessarily offensive!
What is a better way to communicate then? Can you give me an example? Sorry but I am french and in our culture we are as blunt as possible, I realize this is the reason why are often considered rude.
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Old 29th December 2017, 1:26 PM   #26
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This is just bizarre. You two can't afford eggs but you're buying weed for yourself and smoking on the regular with a baby around??? And you say SHE'S the one who needs help adulting?

Yeah, I buy the $3 eggs just don't believe in the $6 ones, it's not like we're starving or anything, it's just she expects a higher standard of living then I do.

And yeah I'm a responsible smoker, have my own house and manage just fine alone, nothing wrong with that.
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Old 29th December 2017, 1:49 PM   #27
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Standards are too low.

In relationships, we can always lower our standards but never raise them.

Once you saw she was childish, selfish, irresponsible, and unclean you should have ended the relationship. Once you saw she couldn’t meet your standards, you should have moved on. Not lower them by sticking around. And definitely not having a child with her.

There is no way she will ever conform to you demanding more from her now. You’ve accepted her giving much less. The bar has been set. Why should she change when she’s comfortable the way she is?

That’s why it’s important to know what we want going into a relationship. Set those standards and expectations high at that point. Their response is an indicator of whether you should continue the relationship or not. That’s how you avoid situations like this. Messy relationship with someone who can never meet your needs.

Last edited by MidKnightDreams; 29th December 2017 at 1:52 PM..
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Old 29th December 2017, 3:17 PM   #28
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I guess I feel to that regard, that she should have lived with me before we had a child, because I would have seen that and moved on. I had no idea she was such a slob until she moved in with me while she was pregnant. Very true.
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Old 29th December 2017, 3:59 PM   #29
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Custody isn't an issue. Both of us aren't interested in lawyers profiting, we would do an equal split. I would be a weeknight and weekend dad, there is nothing wrong with that folks. And I did the math, it would actually be cheaper to pay child support then have her continue to live with me, that's how much she is draining. She would have to go on welfare until she got a part-time job in the evenings or something like that is my guess.
Welfare? Am I reading that right? More than likely she is not going to get welfare if you are in the picture and paying child support. What’s more likely is you both will have to have full time jobs and split daycare costs.

As for what to say to her, be firm through the tears and tell her that you want to part ways. Give her a deadline and tell her she has to find a job and a new place.
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Old 29th December 2017, 5:57 PM   #30
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Not going to get into the stay together/break up discussion.


As far as communicating, tell you that there will be a roommate discussion on (insert date/time). Items to be discussed are
1. cleaning schedule and chore chart
2. income and budget
3. timeline for cleaning out basement
4. relationship/parenting expectations


Tell her to take the time from when she is notified to when the meeting is to think about things she wants to bring up and discuss. But tell her that items will be discussed and if she chooses to not participate then the decision on these items will default to you wishes. If she does not want to have this discussion at all, then you both need to discuss dissolving the relationship and you need to discuss timelines and details on co-parenting.


This cannot be a your-way/highway conversation. You have to be willing to listen also.


Let her know that the status quo is no longer working and things will change. It is her choice on how they change.


Then do not back down. Stay firm and kind. She is the mother of your child but that does not mean you have to live in a stressful messy home.
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