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Tidyness and Time


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 28th December 2017, 4:50 PM   #1
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Tidyness and Time

I'm really struggling with my gf and need some advice.

1) She cries over spilled milk all the time and is unable to talk about finances at all. Feels like I have to be her "dad" more often then not, teaching her about patience and discipline and budgetting...and yet she's 14 years older then me with no savings. No we can't afford the $6 ****ing eggs. I love her but her lack of being a responsible adult is very irritating, especially when everytime I try to talk to her about it she gets emotional and we have to drop the subject. How can I talk to her about this? Have you been through something like this before, how can I become a better teacher? Is there an "adulting 101" class she can take? For real.

2) She smokes my weed and I can't afford to support her habit. When I lay my foot down and say I can't share or buy for her anymore she gets upset because she says she can't afford it - because she is not working because she is looking after our child, because she needs it for her depression and anxiety and my not wanting to enable her anymore makes me the bad guy. I'm not addicted, I can take a break, but she says that when I am sober I am an *******...so you can see I am starting to identify a pattern of manipulation that I will no longer tolerate. Going to have to quit cold turkey. I refuse to sneak around and toke either. How the heck do other pothead couples manage? Do you share your stash? Wouldn't you be upset if someone smoked all your stuff?

3) I am very appreciative of her taking care of our child while I am at work but she is ****ing terrible at managing her time and keeping tidy. I helped her move out of her grandmas when she was pregnant, I cleared her entire mothers estate alone when her mom passed away. NONE of her boxes in my basement have been sorted a whole year later. I feel like when I sell this house I will have to pack all of her crap, again too. And then I have to look forward to moving to a new clean renovated house to have her mess it up again. She NEVER does any organizing at home and seems to be constantly doing laundry, or watching netflix. She cannot throw things away for the life of her. I'm always cleaning up after her in one way or another, I will clean the kitchen spotless every single night and wake up to a tornado like environment every single morning. She just wasn't taught that when you are done using something you put it away - so many times I've had to throw away food because she forgot to put it back in the fridge, so much waste. She wonders why I don't want to spend time with her, it's because I am either cleaning up after her or finally have time for me. I narrowed down where all her time goes: Sleep. She sleeps in every morning and has a nap with the bay every afternoon. How can I teach her to clean-up after herself, and how can I show her how to become more efficient with her time?

I want to start going to the gym again, I just don't know where the heck I'm going to find time unless I sneak out at 5am everyday. Papas, how do you manage?

I love her very much, it's not that I don't want a relationship with her, but I can't keep living with someone so irresponsible and then being blamed for it. What is worse is that she has even expressed she would kill herself if I left with the child without her, and if I left the child with her I'd worry about the child, and then my family would be very upset too, so as you can see it doesn't look like an easy happy ending for me, and so my thoughts are taking councelling together and try to help her change her bad habits. Has anyone succeeded in this area before?

Thank you very much.
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Old 28th December 2017, 4:58 PM   #2
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The suicidal fear of abandonment thing is alarming.

Has she always been like this? If yes, how long have you known her? If no, when did the behaviors become apparent? I ask because her mother apparently passed away in the last couple years.
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Old 28th December 2017, 5:01 PM   #3
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It doesn't really seem like either one of you are quite ready for adulting. Do you expect her to be a stay at home mom? If so, be prepared to share your resources, including weed if you must have that as part of your life. How is supposed to buy anything for herself if she's not working? Do you deprive her from food as well?

As far as the messy house, lots of relationships experience this issue. You two just have to have a sit-down and talk about who is going to do what and stick with it.

Lots and lots of people with kids and jobs have to go to the gym at 5AM .
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Old 28th December 2017, 5:13 PM   #4
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Cabbageman, your posting history gives better insight into what's going on here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...3-break-up-not and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...vice-direction

I have to be honest and say that while she clearly has a significant amount of problems, you sound like a very unsatisfactory partner. I think the two of you are both feeding more and more problems into the relationship.

I would normally suggest marriage counselling, but you've made it very clear that you have no intention of becoming less selfish about your own needs. You even describe yourself as having no moral compass. So, I think it's better for all if you pull the plug on this.
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Old 28th December 2017, 5:15 PM   #5
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Let see....

You have posted that...

She tricked you into getting her pregnant after dating for a year:

Quote:
I talked to friends who knew her before I met her. She wanted this kid and was pretty much going to get it any way she could, I was just a naive idiot.
That she has a history of mental illness:

Quote:
She got drunk (again) and this time threatened to kill herself and almost succeeded. I was with the baby and she came at me with a knife...she didn't see I had the baby... and she really scared me this time, it was way too close for comfort... I had to run upstairs and call the police. They came, took her away for a psych evaluation, and thank god they showed up so soon.
That you two really can't get along, and that you really didn't want this baby:

Quote:
Honestly this is not something I wanted, this was an accidental pregnancy no matter how much she denies it. I tried and tried to have a reasonable conversation regarding abortion and she flipped, and now I am expected to suffer? No way. I love my kid, but sorry I'm not fighting for custody. She can have her and I am happy to send support. That's how nasty she is, I would simply rather not have her in my life at all and that makes me extremely sad because every child needs a father, and I really love my baby.
Quote:
As far as keeping the kid goes I just don't know. I love my baby, I really do, but not at the expense of my sanity and happiness, I come first. I'd rather just be a weekend dad or not involved at all, that's how nasty the momma is. I don't even care about custody or personal property, take it all and be gone. People say oh you'll regret xyz, you're wrong, that's bad... but I've just never been a family man. I don't care, I'm not religious and we're not even married. Both of them deserve someone more available and invested and I deserve the free time I need to succeed as an artist. .
Quote:
Basically I'm getting bored fast. It's not that we don't connect, but we are often on very different levels and I don't really look forward to conversing with her anymore, she just doesn't stimulate my brain like I need and her sensitivity to particular subjects really drives me insane.

Someone might say I don't love her, I would say it's more likely that I can't love anybody more then myself or can't put another first, it's always been like this and I don't plan on changing.
I do not see any favorable outcomes to this situation. Its really unfortunate that a child is involved. I hope you have gotten that vasectomy.
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Old 28th December 2017, 5:21 PM   #6
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The suicidal fear of abandonment thing is alarming.

Has she always been like this? If yes, how long have you known her? If no, when did the behaviors become apparent? I ask because her mother apparently passed away in the last couple years.
Short answer no. Most of these negative behaviors surfaced when her mother died. She was a messy and clingy person before that though, I just didn't want to see it.
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Old 28th December 2017, 5:36 PM   #7
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Reading your post breaks my heart, but not for you or your girlfriend. you got a innocent baby in this situation, and he or she is gong to have one hell of a messed up life because two selfish people can't smarten the hell up.

In all honesty, and as much as I don't like to say it, I would suggest you put the baby up for adoption. there are hundreds of couples and even single people out there who can be wonderful parents and who would love to have a baby. An open adoption would mean that you will always know how your child is doing, and you can still have contact with him or her.

That would be an incredibly unselfish act. You and your girlfriend can live your lives and do as you please, and your baby will have an excellent life. ( I am saying this both as an adopted child as someone who placed a child for adoption when I was very young and would have been a terrible parent because I still had to grow up myself)
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Old 28th December 2017, 5:42 PM   #8
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Adoption came to mind as well regarding the posts the OP has made about this situation.

But he also said his GF was hell bent in getting pregnant, so I don't know that she would be on board.

Op - didn't you say your parents offered to take the baby? Any more talks about that?

On this post you said you love your GF and want to stay with her, but in others you have painted a very different picture, where you said you are incapable of loving her, and want to have sex with other people.
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:01 PM   #9
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You need marriage counseling, even though you are not married. She needs to grow up but you can't get her there on your own.


If you can't afford eggs, perhaps cut down on the weed altogether. It will be better for the baby.


Perhaps you can work together to sell some of the stuff in the basement for some income.


If you think she's an expensive drain on your finances now wait until you find out how expensive paid child care is, assuming you get full custody.


Personally since she is only a GF I'd tell her to shape up or ship out. The fight her for custody
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:07 PM   #10
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How old are you both?
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:26 PM   #11
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I'm not sure about that. So far our kid is healthier, happiner, aware and more cognitive then any other child I've seen, and I've seen a lot of kids lately. Most are ****ing pale retarded sugar eating zombies totally unaware of their environement. Not our baby! You would be amazed at how she stares you in your soul and calls bull****, she is sharp.

No matter our issues, I've always avoided fighting in front of the baby, she is very well nourished (all organic), plenty of attention (quality not quantity), never been abused or any of that crap. She is a very happy child full of life and always laughing and lately talking. She sleeps fine, plays on her own and is already capable of feeding herself without any problem. No sickness or allergies yet. @11 months, our genectic experiment so far is superior then most. Sometimes I see parents where they live by their childs hand, not us. I believe we are doing an amazing job as parents, just not so good as a couple. Adoption is a bit of an insult but I appreciate the input. I was raised by Europeans, we do things a bit differently over there, we put ourselves first, not our children, and they will learn true independence this way in time too. Not this nuclear family american garbage.

Again, I appreciate the comments but none of you are actually answering my questions. I am looking for different tactics in communication because my present methods are not working. I am dealing with someone I love who is mentally ill that does not want to admit our relationship is failing. She blames it on me not spending enough time with her when really I am just too busy with chores and work.

Councelling is something we will have to do again, perhaps with someone a bit more aggressive, it just seems like there is so much to say in so little time, and every time we go she seems to hide the truth about the reality of our situation. Every time I go to talk to her she starts crying. I'm tired of dealing with a turtle, plain and simple.

Custody isn't an issue. Both of us aren't interested in lawyers profiting, we would do an equal split. I would be a weeknight and weekend dad, there is nothing wrong with that folks. And I did the math, it would actually be cheaper to pay child support then have her continue to live with me, that's how much she is draining. She would have to go on welfare until she got a part-time job in the evenings or something like that is my guess.

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Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
Reading your post breaks my heart, but not for you or your girlfriend. you got a innocent baby in this situation, and he or she is gong to have one hell of a messed up life because two selfish people can't smarten the hell up.

In all honesty, and as much as I don't like to say it, I would suggest you put the baby up for adoption. there are hundreds of couples and even single people out there who can be wonderful parents and who would love to have a baby. An open adoption would mean that you will always know how your child is doing, and you can still have contact with him or her.

That would be an incredibly unselfish act. You and your girlfriend can live your lives and do as you please, and your baby will have an excellent life. ( I am saying this both as an adopted child as someone who placed a child for adoption when I was very young and would have been a terrible parent because I still had to grow up myself)
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:27 PM   #12
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How old are you both?
I'm 28 and she's 42.
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:29 PM   #13
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I'm 28 and she's 42.
42? Is that a typo?

If not, I can see why she was hellbent on having the baby.
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:33 PM   #14
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I am not going to agree with you any more beyond saying you have written things that are completely contradictory, including a desire to give up your child, a lack of love for anyone but yourself etc.

Those were your words, not ours.

The issues in your relationship are well beyond the scope of any arm chair advice provided by the internet. You all need real help, real serious help.

One parent attacking the other with a knife while the baby is in the mix..... Is a whole other level.
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:33 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by cabbageman View Post
I'm not sure about that. So far our kid is healthier, happiner, aware and more cognitive then any other child I've seen, and I've seen a lot of kids lately. Most are ****ing pale retarded sugar eating zombies totally unaware of their environement. Not our baby! You would be amazed at how she stares you in your soul and calls bull****, she is sharp.
You're not as evolved as you think you are.
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