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Am I being too negative about my marriage.


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 28th December 2017, 4:54 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by heartbrokenlady View Post
Lucky. I know a lot of 40+ women and the general consensus is that good men interested in women our age are as rare as hens teeth.

Of course we're capable of relationships, but finding a good guy who,isn't looking for a woman 10-20 years younger than himself...
I divorced and entered the dating pool in my 40’s and had no shortage of dates with decent men.
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Old 28th December 2017, 5:10 PM   #32
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I divorced and entered the dating pool in my 40ís and had no shortage of dates with decent men.
Like just about everything else in life, it all depends...
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Old 28th December 2017, 7:54 PM   #33
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Start having 'date' nights with your women friends! Once or twice a week. Do dinner and see a movie or do something else that's fun as a group. Go for walks with your friends etc... No point in sitting at home watching your husband eat himself to death. People don't change unless they hit rock bottom and want to change their ways. You can be honest with him and tell him that you love him but the life you lead together is boring and you want more than just sitting watching tv and doing nothing all the time. There's no reason why he can't make an effort and take you out to dinner. That's an excuse and laziness.

The other thing is, is he depressed?
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Old 28th December 2017, 8:10 PM   #34
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We are in our late 50's....The suggestions you mentioned like making small changes... I have tried everything I could of.. He has been this way for along time. I think I'm just getting tired......
OMG dogloverof2 this is my life too. I have no suggestions but wanted you to know you are not alone.
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Old 28th December 2017, 9:22 PM   #35
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To Cullenbohannon:

He knows about it. The whole truth.

It was an emotional thing, and It was a contributing factor to me rearranging my life and leaving my job.
Fair enough. I hope you read the rest of the post. Your husbands weight and age are a serious problem. I remember walking with my Fiancees Dad and hearing the wheezing. I seriously thought he might fall to the ground and die, but he soldiered on. He was pushing 300 on a 5'6" frame. Now he is always in the mirror, combing his hair.

May i suggest a different approach. Instead of being "negative" (which i do not think you were) trying being aggressive. The first thing you should do is look him in the eye and ask him to picture waking up one morning and finding you deceased. Ask him how would he feel. What would he do. How would life be without you. Do not let him weasel and not give you an answer. Get him to picture this scenario and then tell him that is what he is doing to you.

Then tell him he owes you. He owes you a healthy life with the man you love. He owes you to be there next year, and 10 years after that. Then TELL him to get off the couch. Turn the TV off. Buy some walking shoes and kick him out of the house for a hour. Challenge him as a man to lose 100 LBS in 1 year. It does not take long to change a pattern. You may have to force it for a bit, but once it becomes part of his life, he will take over.


Men respond to challenges. Do not accept his passive behavior. Give it one last shot, but push him....hard.

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 28th December 2017 at 9:31 PM..
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Old 29th December 2017, 11:47 AM   #36
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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
Start having 'date' nights with your women friends! Once or twice a week. Do dinner and see a movie or do something else that's fun as a group. Go for walks with your friends etc... No point in sitting at home watching your husband eat himself to death. People don't change unless they hit rock bottom and want to change their ways. You can be honest with him and tell him that you love him but the life you lead together is boring and you want more than just sitting watching tv and doing nothing all the time. There's no reason why he can't make an effort and take you out to dinner. That's an excuse and laziness.

The other thing is, is he depressed?
Most everything I do, from girl trips to travel is with my friends. I have awesome friends....
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Old 29th December 2017, 11:52 AM   #37
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OMG dogloverof2 this is my life too. I have no suggestions but wanted you to know you are not alone.
I appreciate that! I know that there are a lot of couples out there like us, it doesn't make it okay tho.

I did tell my husband that I get lonely and I want him to do more with me. Even tho I have a ton of awesome friends....... If he does, Its no fun cause he is doing it for me and not himself. Most of the time his attempts are short lived...

Last edited by dogloverof2; 29th December 2017 at 11:54 AM..
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Old 30th December 2017, 12:45 PM   #38
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I honestly fear this will be my future. I'm 32 and hubby is 33 and he is pretty boring. He works hard and we have 2 kids 6, and 3 but he just isn't interested in going places with the kids and going out and trying new things. I see a lot of similarities with his parents, his mom and dad do nothing together. She takes off with her sisters on trips etc. I love my husband, but I wish he wanted to experience life with me. I don't have any advice as I'm just a youngin, but I connected with your story and it is as if I am seeing into the future.
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Old 31st December 2017, 7:19 AM   #39
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Hi dog lover, you have'nt mentioned children so I assume you folk don't have any. I was wondering what if you threw a surprise party for some of your mutual friends on a Saturday night? Your husband should be the last to know. Maybe that will shake him out of his comfort zone.

I agree with Cullenbohanon about your husband's health. He could collapse anytime. His plan to get your husband change his routine sounds good. You should take it up as a challenge as it will keep you occupied constructively and you will have less time to ponder your sad situation. Just keep on doing something to get your husband on his feet. Warm wishes.
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Old 4th January 2018, 3:40 AM   #40
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Even though I am not married. I would give him 2 yrs and then after that say good bye. I would also get him in a councelling session and tell him in that session that you are worried about his health and weight. You want to be happy with your life together. What can you both do to make some changes.

This is one case where after 2 yrs of actively stating the problem and going about fixing it. A Divorce may be whats needed. However. Don't think that getting Divorced you are going to find someone else. You may just hang out with friends and have no romantic prospects.

I think that for you. You want to check out. Your husband sounds inflexable. You put up with it for a long time as well. Even if you got your husband to come along with the other couples. Whats he really going to add to the conversations. Do you have any interesting conversations with your female friends partners.
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Old 10th January 2018, 1:07 AM   #41
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Hi, I think everyone else has given good suggestions.

I just want to agree with the people that said it sounds like you possibly could have a good life, while staying married to him. I got divorced a few years ago... and my situation was different. There actually was some abusive stuff going on... and my life isnít bad now... but itís pretty lonely. And the dating scene...donít know what to say about that... except that it leaves a lot to be desired. I think itís a real possibility that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Which I guess I would take over where I was before. But Iím glad that I chose that in the first place (that it would be better to be alone than how I was living before) than fantasize that I might be able to find somebody better and use that as a reason to get divorced.
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Old 10th January 2018, 12:30 PM   #42
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Has he always been this way, or is this something new? Have you told him that his refusal to do things with you is making you consider ending the marriage.
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Old 11th January 2018, 9:13 AM   #43
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Hi dog lover, maybe you could try one last desperate gamble. How about playacting that you are having an affair? You know, become a bit distant towards him, get stuck to your phone, tell one of your GFs to call you and immediately leave the room to have a conversation with her, text like mad( or pretend to do so ) when sitting next to him while he watches TV and smile every so often and so on and so forth. Ask someone who has had an affair for tips. Do this for a while and see if it gets your husband all worked up or not. If it does it might induce some changes in him. If it does'nt it means he's crossed the point of no return and nothing will make a difference to him. You can then decide what to do with that knowledge. Hope some of this helps. Warm wishes.
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Old 11th January 2018, 1:29 PM   #44
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Why not tell him your thinking? Not just what you plan to do about it but lay out the various futures youíve even contemplating.

Include one scenario in which you divorce, he wakes up to the fact that his apathy, laziness, depression or whatever it is have left him alone and miserable and he turns himself around. He gets healthy, looks great, is more fun and interesting, etc. but itís just too late for either of you. Tell him to take that vision of Ďchristmas futureí and fix the present.
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Old 13th January 2018, 10:51 PM   #45
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This post isn't about emotions or even getting him to wake up and live I have two suggestions for you. First, see a lawyer about divorce in your area. You need to know whether divorce is a good business decision or not. Could you live a life you'd enjoy living on what you'd have after a divorce?

The second is related to the first. How long does he have to live if his habits don't immediately change? Others have commented, but not as directly as
I am going to. Study "morbid obesity" , "sedentary life" and "life expectancy"
Get help with this if you need to from a medical professional. Then loop back to what the lawyer told you.

I have made this calculation for myself. It's hard, but useful for planning your future. I'm the one with a short life expectancy in my marriage but I've decided
I'm better off standing pat. (And no, not morbidly obese).

Finally, depression could be his underlying problem. Does he have
a doctor you could express your concerns to?
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