Jump to content

Am I being too negative about my marriage.


Recommended Posts

Husband and I have been married for over 35 years now.... Lately I am at a point where I just don't know if I can be in this marriage any more.

 

He is a thoughtful and tentative husband. He always wants me to do or have what I want. And treats me like his main priority...

He doesn't want to be around a lot of people, so we don't hang out or travel or do stuff with any friends, he won't go out at night so there is never any date night. He likes to watch tv and eat...

 

I have tried to turn a blind eye to his habits for a lot of years but I am getting tired of it.

He now weighs 340 pounds and has no intention what so ever of exercising or taking better care of himself. I walk and exercise and work at keeping my weight in check.

 

I really get bummed out because, I don't want to spend the rest of my life living with a couch potato and being more bored than I already am. We are going to be retiring in a couple of years.

 

I get angry when I see my friends and people we know, out having a good time and talking about the next trip they are going to take, etc. and here we are. at home, on the couch, him watching tv. cause he doesn't want to do anything like that.

I probably sound resentful and negative. but it is getting old, watching each day go by and here we sit.

 

I do have great friends that I do a lot of stuff with but I have told him that some of the things I do with my friends I would like to do with him as a couple. He says no, either due to "too many people", that cost too much" or "that's not for me".

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs
Link to post
Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic

I don't think you're being negative or unreasonable at all! I don't have any advice since I'm only 45 and was only married for 14 years before divorce, but just wanted to validate your feelings on the matter <3.

 

P.S. The first step is going to be to get him to lose weight. He won't be motivated to do much without slimming down and getting more energy. Do you do all the shopping/cooking? Start there, maybe?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post and merge add-on
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
P.S. The first step is going to be to get him to lose weight. He won't be motivated to do much without slimming down and getting more energy. Do you do all the shopping/cooking? Start there' date=' maybe?[/quote']

 

I have tried to cook healthy and have found junk food wrappers in his pick up truck. He chooses to eat only unhealthy food cause he says it taste best. He also wants to finish off any food I don't eat. Heck one time we were at a nice restaurant and he had gravy with potatoes. I sat and watched him clean out the small gravy bowl with a spoon. to get every last bit... I know that is bad to share that but he did it...

Link to post
Share on other sites

Not much of a life but I'm not sure he'd change.

 

You can only do for yourself. I would not live like this. Period

 

Life is way to short

Link to post
Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic
I have tried to cook healthy and have found junk food wrappers in his pick up truck. He chooses to eat only unhealthy food cause he says it taste best. He also wants to finish off any food I don't eat. Heck one time we were at a nice restaurant and he had gravy with potatoes. I sat and watched him clean out the small gravy bowl with a spoon. to get every last bit... I know that is bad to share that but he did it...

 

:(

 

Does he see a doctor at all? Any sense a doctor could talk sense into him? Would a diagnosis of heart disease or diabetes scare him into being healthier at all?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
:(

 

Does he see a doctor at all? Any sense a doctor could talk sense into him? Would a diagnosis of heart disease or diabetes scare him into being healthier at all?

 

Been down that road too. He is on about 5 medications for various things...Doctors have told him he needs a lifestyle change, not a diet. He says no, he likes to eat....

 

He won't change until he is ready. Not sure he will ever be ready.

Link to post
Share on other sites
healing light

I would see if he would be willing to try the keto diet. Good info on this would be from Eric Berg (he has a ton of videos on YouTube). It's a diet that stabilizes your blood sugar and switches your body into fat-burning mode--great for weight loss--and ironically is a high-fat diet (you use ketones for fuel instead of glucose). If he likes fatty, salty foods there's no reason he shouldn't eat that in a way that will actually promote health instead of destroying it.

 

It will require discipline, but it can be done in a delicious way and the pounds pretty much fall off. You have to be good about supplementing your electrolytes, etc. so it's a diet you have to research a little before you can throw yourself into it.

 

However, it's not your responsibility to fix him, so if he shows zero interest in this suggestion and isn't even willing to look into anything to help himself, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Then you'll have to decide whether you're willing to put up with this the rest of your life--but I do think he deserves to know that you're seriously considering leaving him if he doesn't take any steps to change and expand his interests. Did he hate being around people and doing things before he gained all the weight? This may just be who he is, but it's hard to feel anything but depressed and sedentary when you're eating like crap all day.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara

Personally, I would suggest having an honest conversation with him about how you are feeling and what you from your life. Let him know that you are concerned that you both want to live incompatible lifestyles that it is making you question the future of your relationship.

 

It may inspire him to take action to meet you half way, or it may not. If nothing else, at least he will know that his marriage is reaching a crisis point, and he won't just blindsided by a divorce like some people are.

 

Hopefully, it won't come to that, but at least you will be honest and open with each other.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

You say you are married 35 years and retiring in a couple of years? So you guys are in your 60s?

 

Has he always been living like this and this sort of life style? If so, he ain't going to change in his 60s.

 

You could!d try to make small changes in household that can alter his eating habits. What would happen if start feeding him lots of salads and smoothie? Would he freak out or accept it as a change?

 

You could also bug him that you like to walk and feel unsafe walking alone so he has to come and walk with you.

 

Small changes like that and see how it goes.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

When your reaching your limit on a marriage I think its good to think - "well what would my life look like if I divorced - in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years?" What are the probable pluses and minuses to divorce.

 

How could your life be better as a divorced single woman ?

 

So you divorce - your single. Free...you can go on all those trips and adventurers with your friends - as a single gal. But didn't you say he lets you go on those without him anyway? I know you said you want HIM to go with you, but married or divorced - I dont see a difference here on this issue.

 

Maybe then you think you could go find a new man as a single woman. Yes, you could. But depending on your age - and the place you live - and the dating scene - its a challenge out there. Again depending on your age - 50+ aged men going to have some health issues. Will you date down in age - or up ? Then again - maybe you find a ton of men to date and see. All depends on you and the "market" your in. Those guys you date will have kids, grand-kids maybe (dont know your age)- that will be something for you to accommodate if you get into a new relationship.

 

What about financially - will you loose money, home, will your husband ? Can you live comfortably enough on your own? Where would you live?

 

Divorce is an option - just think it through. It could be great....but also ask yourself can I just start living the life I want - mostly - while remaining married ?

 

Just food for thought.

Edited by dichotomy
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

He is not abusive, he is not spending all your money, he is not cheating on you with every women around, he is not controlling, he is not argumentative, he is not bull dozing you into doing stuff you do not want to do, he is just a bit boring.

 

Instead of "dreaming" about a divorce, then do some proper cost benefit analysis and bring some reality into the equation.

Where would you live?

What would you live on? Work it out to the last penny do not assume anything.

Could you cope with your "boring" husband suddenly finding a new wife? As sometimes they do just that. I guess many women would love such a laid back, tolerant man and she would jump right onto that pedestal he would make for her...

Have you actually ever lived alone?

Your husband may be a couch potato, but that doesn't mean he will roll over if you decide to split. Do you want to spend years contesting a bitter divorce?

Do you really think prince charming is going to show up and sweep you off your feet?

 

I get women in abusive, horrible marriages with psycho men who will not let them live, wanting to leave, but here you can make a very nice cosy interesting, even exciting life for yourself AND your husband will still be happy watching his TV shows and eating pizza...

Be careful what you wish for.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
heartbrokenlady
He is not abusive, he is not spending all your money, he is not cheating on you with every women around, he is not controlling, he is not argumentative, he is not bull dozing you into doing stuff you do not want to do, he is just a bit boring.

 

Instead of "dreaming" about a divorce, then do some proper cost benefit analysis and bring some reality into the equation.

Where would you live?

What would you live on? Work it out to the last penny do not assume anything.

Could you cope with your "boring" husband suddenly finding a new wife? As sometimes they do just that. I guess many women would love such a laid back, tolerant man and she would jump right onto that pedestal he would make for her...

Have you actually ever lived alone?

Your husband may be a couch potato, but that doesn't mean he will roll over if you decide to split. Do you want to spend years contesting a bitter divorce?

Do you really think prince charming is going to show up and sweep you off your feet?

 

I get women in abusive, horrible marriages with psycho men who will not let them live, wanting to leave, but here you can make a very nice cosy interesting, even exciting life for yourself AND your husband will still be happy watching his TV shows and eating pizza...

Be careful what you wish for.

 

 

 

Definitely. If you're an over 50s woman, there pretty much are NO men interested. They want younger women.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You say you are married 35 years and retiring in a couple of years? So you guys are in your 60s?

 

Has he always been living like this and this sort of life style? If so, he ain't going to change in his 60s.

 

You could!d try to make small changes in household that can alter his eating habits. What would happen if start feeding him lots of salads and smoothie? Would he freak out or accept it as a change?

 

You could also bug him that you like to walk and feel unsafe walking alone so he has to come and walk with you.

 

Small changes like that and see how it goes.

 

We are in our late 50's....The suggestions you mentioned like making small changes... I have tried everything I could of.. He has been this way for along time. I think I'm just getting tired......

Link to post
Share on other sites

What's the saying about wanting what you don't have, and then when you get it, you realize what you already had is what you wanted all along?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Have a sitdown with him. But first, make notes of the things he says when you make suggestions to him to go out and be more active. Then read them to him. Next, let him know that his habits are making you feel left out and incline to find what you are missing from someone else. Ask him if he wants that to happen. Sometimes you have yo be direct.

 

Please answer mine. Thanks.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/647142-weird-love-triangle

Link to post
Share on other sites

He won't change without huge motivation.

 

 

So, file for divorce, and present him with the papers. Tell him he can start changing now (and tell him specifically what you need in order to stay), or he'll be single in the near future.

 

 

He may make an effort, but isn't going to stick with it, I think. I'm almost certain that you'll have to finalize the divorce.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
heartbrokenlady
We are in our late 50's....The suggestions you mentioned like making small changes... I have tried everything I could of.. He has been this way for along time. I think I'm just getting tired......

 

 

By all means leave if you're unhappy.

 

You'll need to accept that you'll be alone. Responsible for funding a household alone. No one to talk to at home when you're lonely.

 

I left my husband 20 years ago. I don't regret it, but it's a much harder life, being alone than being in a couple.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I appreciate all of the replies and advice. I really do. You guys are a tough bunch, but in a good way. Thank you for that. I need to make up my mind on what I'm gonna do. Its gonna be a very hard decision.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Have a sitdown with him. But first, make notes of the things he says when you make suggestions to him to go out and be more active. Then read them to him. Next, let him know that his habits are making you feel left out and incline to find what you are missing from someone else. Ask him if he wants that to happen. Sometimes you have yo be direct.

 

Please answer mine. Thanks.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/647142-weird-love-triangle

 

Done that before. He changed for a little while and fell back into the same pattern. I guess I am at just as much fault, for being accepting of him and his patterns.... cause I stayed after he fell back to his old ways.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Here is a wacko idea. How would he react if he thought you had a new boyfriend. If this might shake him out of his lethargy, and motivate him to change, then get a boyfriend or make him think you have a boyfriend (your choice). When he complains then tell him to change his ways or else accept the idea that you are seeing someone else. This would be cheaper than filing for divorce.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
We are in our late 50's....The suggestions you mentioned like making small changes... I have tried everything I could of.. He has been this way for along time. I think I'm just getting tired......

 

Maybe he needs a bit of a shock or reality check. What would happen if you tell him you want a temporary separation? Just be honest, tell him exactly what you feel. You are unhappy. You have not found anyone else and are not sleeping with anyone else and you have no intention to date or sleep with anyone. You are just very unhappy and need a separation to get your head straightened out.

 

Maybe the shock of being alone and having to fend for himself and do stuff for himself and being in a house all alone might give him a wake up call?

 

The bigger question is, where will you move out to? You got parents or someone you can move in with a few months?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Here is a wacko idea. How would he react if he thought you had a new boyfriend. If this might shake him out of his lethargy, and motivate him to change, then get a boyfriend or make him think you have a boyfriend (your choice). When he complains then tell him to change his ways or else accept the idea that you are seeing someone else. This would be cheaper than filing for divorce.

 

Thats not good. Its not good to play games and mind games with people, especially with people you are in a marriage with who you have known (and dont forget, they know you!) for 35+ years.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Here is a wacko idea. How would he react if he thought you had a new boyfriend. If this might shake him out of his lethargy, and motivate him to change, then get a boyfriend or make him think you have a boyfriend (your choice). When he complains then tell him to change his ways or else accept the idea that you are seeing someone else. This would be cheaper than filing for divorce.

 

 

You are right it is a wacko idea.

Making people jealous rarely works the way you want it to.

This is a 35+ year marriage, not a HS romance, and even then... not the brightest idea.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...