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Am I being too negative about my marriage.


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 27th December 2017, 9:51 PM   #1
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Am I being too negative about my marriage.

Husband and I have been married for over 35 years now.... Lately I am at a point where I just don't know if I can be in this marriage any more.

He is a thoughtful and tentative husband. He always wants me to do or have what I want. And treats me like his main priority...
He doesn't want to be around a lot of people, so we don't hang out or travel or do stuff with any friends, he won't go out at night so there is never any date night. He likes to watch tv and eat...

I have tried to turn a blind eye to his habits for a lot of years but I am getting tired of it.
He now weighs 340 pounds and has no intention what so ever of exercising or taking better care of himself. I walk and exercise and work at keeping my weight in check.

I really get bummed out because, I don't want to spend the rest of my life living with a couch potato and being more bored than I already am. We are going to be retiring in a couple of years.

I get angry when I see my friends and people we know, out having a good time and talking about the next trip they are going to take, etc. and here we are. at home, on the couch, him watching tv. cause he doesn't want to do anything like that.
I probably sound resentful and negative. but it is getting old, watching each day go by and here we sit.

I do have great friends that I do a lot of stuff with but I have told him that some of the things I do with my friends I would like to do with him as a couple. He says no, either due to "too many people", that cost too much" or "that's not for me".

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Old 27th December 2017, 10:04 PM   #2
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I don't think you're being negative or unreasonable at all! I don't have any advice since I'm only 45 and was only married for 14 years before divorce, but just wanted to validate your feelings on the matter <3.

P.S. The first step is going to be to get him to lose weight. He won't be motivated to do much without slimming down and getting more energy. Do you do all the shopping/cooking? Start there, maybe?

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Old 27th December 2017, 10:15 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
P.S. The first step is going to be to get him to lose weight. He won't be motivated to do much without slimming down and getting more energy. Do you do all the shopping/cooking? Start there, maybe?
I have tried to cook healthy and have found junk food wrappers in his pick up truck. He chooses to eat only unhealthy food cause he says it taste best. He also wants to finish off any food I don't eat. Heck one time we were at a nice restaurant and he had gravy with potatoes. I sat and watched him clean out the small gravy bowl with a spoon. to get every last bit... I know that is bad to share that but he did it...
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Old 27th December 2017, 10:19 PM   #4
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Not much of a life but I'm not sure he'd change.

You can only do for yourself. I would not live like this. Period

Life is way to short
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Old 27th December 2017, 10:21 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by dogloverof2 View Post
I have tried to cook healthy and have found junk food wrappers in his pick up truck. He chooses to eat only unhealthy food cause he says it taste best. He also wants to finish off any food I don't eat. Heck one time we were at a nice restaurant and he had gravy with potatoes. I sat and watched him clean out the small gravy bowl with a spoon. to get every last bit... I know that is bad to share that but he did it...


Does he see a doctor at all? Any sense a doctor could talk sense into him? Would a diagnosis of heart disease or diabetes scare him into being healthier at all?
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Old 27th December 2017, 10:31 PM   #6
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Does he see a doctor at all? Any sense a doctor could talk sense into him? Would a diagnosis of heart disease or diabetes scare him into being healthier at all?
Been down that road too. He is on about 5 medications for various things...Doctors have told him he needs a lifestyle change, not a diet. He says no, he likes to eat....

He won't change until he is ready. Not sure he will ever be ready.
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Old 27th December 2017, 10:43 PM   #7
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I would see if he would be willing to try the keto diet. Good info on this would be from Eric Berg (he has a ton of videos on YouTube). It's a diet that stabilizes your blood sugar and switches your body into fat-burning mode--great for weight loss--and ironically is a high-fat diet (you use ketones for fuel instead of glucose). If he likes fatty, salty foods there's no reason he shouldn't eat that in a way that will actually promote health instead of destroying it.

It will require discipline, but it can be done in a delicious way and the pounds pretty much fall off. You have to be good about supplementing your electrolytes, etc. so it's a diet you have to research a little before you can throw yourself into it.

However, it's not your responsibility to fix him, so if he shows zero interest in this suggestion and isn't even willing to look into anything to help himself, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Then you'll have to decide whether you're willing to put up with this the rest of your life--but I do think he deserves to know that you're seriously considering leaving him if he doesn't take any steps to change and expand his interests. Did he hate being around people and doing things before he gained all the weight? This may just be who he is, but it's hard to feel anything but depressed and sedentary when you're eating like crap all day.
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Old 27th December 2017, 11:03 PM   #8
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Personally, I would suggest having an honest conversation with him about how you are feeling and what you from your life. Let him know that you are concerned that you both want to live incompatible lifestyles that it is making you question the future of your relationship.

It may inspire him to take action to meet you half way, or it may not. If nothing else, at least he will know that his marriage is reaching a crisis point, and he won't just blindsided by a divorce like some people are.

Hopefully, it won't come to that, but at least you will be honest and open with each other.
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Old 28th December 2017, 12:56 AM   #9
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He needs to choose to live or he is choosing to die. If he loves you he will change.
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Old 28th December 2017, 1:32 AM   #10
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You say you are married 35 years and retiring in a couple of years? So you guys are in your 60s?

Has he always been living like this and this sort of life style? If so, he ain't going to change in his 60s.

You could!d try to make small changes in household that can alter his eating habits. What would happen if start feeding him lots of salads and smoothie? Would he freak out or accept it as a change?

You could also bug him that you like to walk and feel unsafe walking alone so he has to come and walk with you.

Small changes like that and see how it goes.
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Old 28th December 2017, 7:17 AM   #11
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When your reaching your limit on a marriage I think its good to think - "well what would my life look like if I divorced - in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years?" What are the probable pluses and minuses to divorce.

How could your life be better as a divorced single woman ?

So you divorce - your single. Free...you can go on all those trips and adventurers with your friends - as a single gal. But didn't you say he lets you go on those without him anyway? I know you said you want HIM to go with you, but married or divorced - I dont see a difference here on this issue.

Maybe then you think you could go find a new man as a single woman. Yes, you could. But depending on your age - and the place you live - and the dating scene - its a challenge out there. Again depending on your age - 50+ aged men going to have some health issues. Will you date down in age - or up ? Then again - maybe you find a ton of men to date and see. All depends on you and the "market" your in. Those guys you date will have kids, grand-kids maybe (dont know your age)- that will be something for you to accommodate if you get into a new relationship.

What about financially - will you loose money, home, will your husband ? Can you live comfortably enough on your own? Where would you live?

Divorce is an option - just think it through. It could be great....but also ask yourself can I just start living the life I want - mostly - while remaining married ?

Just food for thought.
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Old 28th December 2017, 7:50 AM   #12
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He is not abusive, he is not spending all your money, he is not cheating on you with every women around, he is not controlling, he is not argumentative, he is not bull dozing you into doing stuff you do not want to do, he is just a bit boring.

Instead of "dreaming" about a divorce, then do some proper cost benefit analysis and bring some reality into the equation.
Where would you live?
What would you live on? Work it out to the last penny do not assume anything.
Could you cope with your "boring" husband suddenly finding a new wife? As sometimes they do just that. I guess many women would love such a laid back, tolerant man and she would jump right onto that pedestal he would make for her...
Have you actually ever lived alone?
Your husband may be a couch potato, but that doesn't mean he will roll over if you decide to split. Do you want to spend years contesting a bitter divorce?
Do you really think prince charming is going to show up and sweep you off your feet?

I get women in abusive, horrible marriages with psycho men who will not let them live, wanting to leave, but here you can make a very nice cosy interesting, even exciting life for yourself AND your husband will still be happy watching his TV shows and eating pizza...
Be careful what you wish for.
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Old 28th December 2017, 9:00 AM   #13
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He is not abusive, he is not spending all your money, he is not cheating on you with every women around, he is not controlling, he is not argumentative, he is not bull dozing you into doing stuff you do not want to do, he is just a bit boring.

Instead of "dreaming" about a divorce, then do some proper cost benefit analysis and bring some reality into the equation.
Where would you live?
What would you live on? Work it out to the last penny do not assume anything.
Could you cope with your "boring" husband suddenly finding a new wife? As sometimes they do just that. I guess many women would love such a laid back, tolerant man and she would jump right onto that pedestal he would make for her...
Have you actually ever lived alone?
Your husband may be a couch potato, but that doesn't mean he will roll over if you decide to split. Do you want to spend years contesting a bitter divorce?
Do you really think prince charming is going to show up and sweep you off your feet?

I get women in abusive, horrible marriages with psycho men who will not let them live, wanting to leave, but here you can make a very nice cosy interesting, even exciting life for yourself AND your husband will still be happy watching his TV shows and eating pizza...
Be careful what you wish for.


Definitely. If you're an over 50s woman, there pretty much are NO men interested. They want younger women.
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Old 28th December 2017, 9:20 AM   #14
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You say you are married 35 years and retiring in a couple of years? So you guys are in your 60s?

Has he always been living like this and this sort of life style? If so, he ain't going to change in his 60s.

You could!d try to make small changes in household that can alter his eating habits. What would happen if start feeding him lots of salads and smoothie? Would he freak out or accept it as a change?

You could also bug him that you like to walk and feel unsafe walking alone so he has to come and walk with you.

Small changes like that and see how it goes.
We are in our late 50's....The suggestions you mentioned like making small changes... I have tried everything I could of.. He has been this way for along time. I think I'm just getting tired......
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Old 28th December 2017, 9:31 AM   #15
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What's the saying about wanting what you don't have, and then when you get it, you realize what you already had is what you wanted all along?
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