LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships

Sex in sickness and in health


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

Like Tree43Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 26th December 2017, 2:01 PM   #16
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 25,444
I think I read your story about surviving cancer on another thread - very touching. I'm so glad you had a supportive partner to help you through that time!

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbrokenlady View Post
I agree Carhill, but I don't think many men would give a woman sexual gratification if they weren't aroused.

Women do it for men (I've done it many, many times), but I've never met a man or heard of one (from friends) who actually do.
The SO has given me pleasure before on a few occasions when he was having trouble "with it" or knew he wouldn't be able to cum on that day. Admittedly it's a blue moon indeed for him to have trouble with that, but it has happened! I have probably done the same for him an equal number of times.

Quote:
Surely if this happens, you should support and help your partner first of all with their illness and secondly, do everything you can to rebuild an absent libido.
I agree with this completely - in fact, support can often prove beneficial to libido in and of itself, IMO. But if the couple has tried everything to fix it and there is still a significant disparity, probably some degree of compromise would be in order.

If the SO did lose his libido to cancer or other serious illnesses, I would like to think that I would put his well being first and my desires second. But I figure this is one of those things that you don't really know how you'll react to until you have the misfortune to actually be in that situation.
__________________
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 2:50 PM   #17
Established Member
 
central's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: NW Florida
Posts: 3,109
Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbrokenlady View Post
I agree Carhill, but I don't think many men would give a woman sexual gratification if they weren't aroused.

Women do it for men (I've done it many, many times), but I've never met a man or heard of one (from friends) who actually do. ...

I don't know what many men do - or don't - but you are probably right. I do get my wife off about once a week without expecting anything in return. And most of the rest of the time she has multiple orgasms for every one I have - I probably do more "work" than she does! lol She also pleases me randomly without expecting anything, either, so gratuitous oral is something I get to enjoy as well. We just want each other to be happy and satisfied whenever possible.
central is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 4:19 PM   #18
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 1,659
If we can define sex as manual, oral, or PIV then there isn't any reason a spouse should be deprived for an extended period of time, even during illness, unless the other spouse simply doesn't give a shyte and that's about when I start suggesting divorce.
__________________
I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass through me. Where the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain." - Litany Against Fear
MJJean is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 4:40 PM   #19
Established Member
 
heartbrokenlady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Asia
Posts: 244
Quote:
Originally Posted by MJJean View Post
If we can define sex as manual, oral, or PIV then there isn't any reason a spouse should be deprived for an extended period of time, even during illness, unless the other spouse simply doesn't give a shyte and that's about when I start suggesting divorce.

Well, I didn't actually go off sex at any point during my cancer treatment, but if I had, I think it would have been excusable. During chemo, I vomited hourly for weeks on end. And after surgery, I had suppurating open wounds in 7 areas for 5 months (almost had to have more surgery and skin grafts).

I honestly don't think my ex would have cared if I hadn't been able to satisfy him. He would have understood.

And I think anyone that would leave because of that isn't worth having.
heartbrokenlady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 6:14 PM   #20
Established Member
 
dichotomy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA central
Posts: 4,538
Sex for me is mostly an act of love - I was never much into casual sex.

As a act of love it is not always about me and my libido. Seeing them get off -meeting their needs and desires - even when I am not able to have sex/orgasm - or in the mood - makes me happy and is an act of love.

I can for sure imagine an illness so painful I am incapacitated, or so sick I am without energy or bed ridden. Been down a few times with severe flu - or respiratory infection where I was bed ridden for a few days. Not going to take care of my wife or GF when I am vomiting or feverish or struggling to breath. But those were 2-3 days.

However I have also had cancer (twice) and only abstained until stitches where healed. I was still getting radiation therapy (hair loss, occasional nausea) and enjoying being with my GF. She had high needs - and I loved her. I actually think she needed me to have sex with her for other than her high libido when I was being treated - to have some lovin's with me and I was happy to provide it for her. Its important to many a partner, or spouse to have that connection.
__________________
“Now I see that I will never find the light unless like a candle, I am my own fuel”

Last edited by dichotomy; 26th December 2017 at 6:20 PM..
dichotomy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 6:24 PM   #21
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 6,137
Some people are exceedingly selfish when their spouse is ill. Acting like they will die without sex.

I recall a lady who had cervical cancer...she had treatment and was asked to abstain for a month. Her husband suggested using condoms to reduce the risk of infection...as he NEEDED SEX. Never mind the infection from a foreign body inside her with rubber.

That suggestion alone would have me divorcing him .... as I could not live with someone putting a desire over my health.
__________________
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 7:24 PM   #22
Established Member
 
heartbrokenlady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Asia
Posts: 244
To be honest, now I think back, I'm more surprised my ex actually wanted sex with me. Particularly after my surgery. My wounds were horrific. I'm not sure I'd have wanted sex with him, if he was in the condition I was in.

I know he was very anxious after my hysterectomy. He didn't actually say so, but afterward, when I said I'd been worried about damaging my internal scars, he said very loudly and feelingly, 'Me too!'.
heartbrokenlady is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 10:23 PM   #23
Established Member
 
dichotomy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA central
Posts: 4,538
I sometimes think people focus to much on PIV as sex. Sexual satisfaction and pleasure come from many different places and means in certain situations. Yes hands and oral are two alternatives but there is much more.

Heck - just lovingly snuggling or kissing or using erotic words to them while they take care of themselves can be nice as a "light" version of sex if your not up or able to do much in a situation.

Last edited by dichotomy; 26th December 2017 at 10:25 PM..
dichotomy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th December 2017, 6:31 AM   #24
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 6,137
I agree there are other 'ways' if having sex.... but another thing that annoys me is a man saying "If you can't manage sex...give me a BJ" saying this to a sick wife is just selfishness.

Putting his own needs as paramount. It's also said to pregnant women who aren't in the mood for it.

If my husband was I'll...and not up to it...is never say...just go down on me or use your hands. If the suggestion comes from him...then fine...but I'd never suggest it.

It just looks like your primary concern is your sexual satisfaction.
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th December 2017, 8:13 AM   #25
Established Member
 
dichotomy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA central
Posts: 4,538
Quote:
Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post

It just looks like your primary concern is your sexual satisfaction.

To be fair and see both sides - thats sometimes what BOTH sides are thinking in a normal sexual mismatch situation. Both sides see the other as selfish, and both sides resent the other as trying to convince them that they are the selfish one.

but being very sick or in pain .... is a VERY different situation for sure.

Last edited by dichotomy; 27th December 2017 at 8:17 AM..
dichotomy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th December 2017, 9:42 AM   #26
Established Member
 
wmacbride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 3,333
Something that can mean so much to someone who is ill is just holding them, even if it doesn't lead to sex.

the thing to keep in mind is that,hopefully, the illness isn't permanent and there will be better times ahead. the memories of how kind and caring the healthy husband or wife was when their spouse wad down can really stay with a person.
__________________
"“there’s no better system than our own morality, not law, not science, not religion… just decency.”-R.M.
wmacbride is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th December 2017, 9:51 AM   #27
Established Member
 
central's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: NW Florida
Posts: 3,109
We agreed at the beginning of our relationship - long before any illness or injury occurred that could prevent or severely limit sex for an extended period - that in such circumstances we'd allow an open relationship after a few months, no further permission required, no questions asked, and no later recriminations.
central is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th December 2017, 10:11 AM   #28
Established Member
 
Trail Blazer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Oregon
Posts: 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by central View Post
We agreed at the beginning of our relationship - long before any illness or injury occurred that could prevent or severely limit sex for an extended period - that in such circumstances we'd allow an open relationship after a few months, no further permission required, no questions asked, and no later recriminations.
There are so many things I'll do differently in my next relationship that I never even considered when I first got into this one. I just couldn't imagine broaching such a topic like that.

It's crazy to think how much I'd do things differently if I could go back in time. But everything I didn't do back then culminated in the lessons I've learned now, so wishinf I could go back and change the past would be paradoxical by its very nature.

I guess on the flipside I'll probably make a better second husband than the one I am now. Lessons learned but too much damage to repair. I guess that's life, hey? I'll keep striving for that balance till I find it.
Trail Blazer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th December 2017, 10:35 AM   #29
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 14,174
Quote:
Originally Posted by central View Post
We agreed at the beginning of our relationship - long before any illness or injury occurred that could prevent or severely limit sex for an extended period - that in such circumstances we'd allow an open relationship after a few months, no further permission required, no questions asked, and no later recriminations.
Yes, but your relationship with your wife can hardly be considered that of your average married, monogamous couple can it?
So whilst broaching the topic of "opening" up your marriage to you is a pretty normal and practical solution, to others the mere mention of opening up a marriage would almost be grounds for divorce by itself and if not divorce then the marriage would never actually be the same again.

People who value monogamy, practice monogamy and expect monogamy in return, sickness may test that, but I guess few would really expect to be "replaced" in their hour of need, by some other woman of man.
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th December 2017, 10:41 AM   #30
Member
 
Popsicle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 8,663
Here are my rules and if roles were reversed I’d expect the same treatment:

-If we’ve been together 7 years or more AND are married, don’t leave no matter what. Unless of course, your partner tells you to. (Which occasionally happens)

If you’re married less than 7 years or unmarried for any amount of time, then it goes like this:

-If the disease or affliction is acute, NO don’t leave. No matter what. (Look up the medical definition of the word acute)

-If the disease or affliction is chronic, then yes you can leave.
Popsicle is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
In sickness and in health skylark100 Marriage & Life Partnerships 13 2nd January 2016 6:26 PM
LDR and sickness? Zoeva Long-Distance Relationships 8 10th May 2014 4:46 PM
Heart health as metaphor for emotional health? AnyaNova Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being 4 6th December 2013 3:38 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:28 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.