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Sex in Marriage - How do you compromise?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 5th January 2018, 7:54 PM   #196
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Why does she even get to feel anything? If she or any other wife deprives their high drive husband of sex, what else would you expect?
I asked him. Maybe the excessive porn watching turns her off and makes her not want to have sex with him. I know it would me.
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Old 5th January 2018, 8:13 PM   #197
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I asked him. Maybe the excessive porn watching turns her off and makes her not want to have sex with him. I know it would me.
You asked him in a public forum where anyone can respond. So, you don't think the fact he looks at porn is symptomatic of his sexless marriage? Or are you now trying to conflate the two issues, implying that he's at fault for her lack of desire?

We all know why she has a lack of desire. Unless the OP is withholding any other information then it's her RA which is the main factor. If there's a lack of emotional connection due to resentment of the OP's side, that may be a contributing factor.

But porn? Women who don't have sex with their husbands have no right to judge them based on looking at porn. Unless the porn itself is particularly graphic/disturbing/illegal, then there is nothing wrong, in fact it's normal, to use it as a mechanism for release.
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Old 5th January 2018, 8:25 PM   #198
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OP, if you're still reading, here's a very lengthy past discussion on a sexless/low sex marriage that became my gold standard for describing and working the issue in detail. See what you think. I believe some sort of physical pain in the spouse was a factor in that M as well:

www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/201696-if-you-want-sex-then-you-will-have-get-somewhere-else
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Old 5th January 2018, 8:50 PM   #199
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You asked him in a public forum where anyone can respond. So, you don't think the fact he looks at porn is symptomatic of his sexless marriage? Or are you now trying to conflate the two issues, implying that he's at fault for her lack of desire?

But porn? Women who don't have sex with their husbands have no right to judge them based on looking at porn. Unless the porn itself is particularly graphic/disturbing/illegal, then there is nothing wrong, in fact it's normal, to use it as a mechanism for release.
You are looking at this from a male perspective.
Popsicle is correct, porn watching by men can be huge turn off for women, surely you knew that?
It is not necessarily about judgement per se, it is just a fact of life.
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Old 5th January 2018, 9:10 PM   #200
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Popsicle is correct, porn watching by men can be huge turn off for women, surely you knew that?
If my wife consistently turned me down for sex, I'd probably turn to porn for relief. If she doesn't like that, then she shouldn't turn me down - the porn would be a direct consequence of rejection. Eventually, I'd be tired of both porn and being turned down, and would divorce her and find someone compatible, where I would't need to turn to porn (or, for some people, cheating).
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Old 5th January 2018, 9:17 PM   #201
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"Honey, when you turn me down for lovemaking, I feel unloved"

Listen.

And, yeah, remove the porn. Focus on the M and how you feel in it. If experiencing anything other than the response of a loving spouse, toss her. That's what equality is all about. Each spouse is equally deserving of love, affection, and fidelity.

If you're using porn for relief, I'll repeat, stop it. Your spouse deserves your complete and undivided attention and love. As do you.
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Old 5th January 2018, 9:22 PM   #202
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You are looking at this from a male perspective.
Popsicle is correct, porn watching by men can be huge turn off for women, surely you knew that?
It is not necessarily about judgement per se, it is just a fact of life.
I'm representing the other side of the argument. I can easily flip what she said around to fit the male narrative. Since you and popsicle are women, you are of course going to represent the female perspective, but surely that doesn't preclude you from seeing the male perspective as well?

Here, how about I put it this way:

You are looking at this from the female perspective.
All the males here are correct, porn watching for men is fait accompli (in most cases) when he's continually turned down for sex. Surely you knew that?
It's also nothing to do with judgement, it's a fact of life.
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Old 5th January 2018, 9:52 PM   #203
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buy her some things for the bedroom. toys so on
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Old 5th January 2018, 10:15 PM   #204
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buy her some things for the bedroom. toys so on
Keep your special innocence forever misspalmy. May one day you be rewarded tenfold with everlasting love.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 6th January 2018 at 2:22 PM.. Reason: Fix quote
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Old 6th January 2018, 1:50 PM   #205
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Threads like this may not be helpful to a specific situation ( although they can lead to some great discussion).

The reason for this that, due to the nature of an internet forum, we can only hear one side. That doesn't mean the op is lying or trying to be deceptive ( I do believe he's been 100 percent honest about his view of the situation) , it's more that we can't hear her side.

She may have a very different perspective than he does. Hers may well be very polarized from the op's, and somewhere in the middle, is the truth.
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Old 6th January 2018, 2:58 PM   #206
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Many here are commenting about the situation, and no matter which side of the fence they sit on, it seems that sex is coming down to "work", a "chore", "if she can watch a movie, she can do this too"...

Um, if sex has been relegated to a chore by either spouse, whether it's the one who isn't as interested or the one who is and is of the mindset " just do it for me, and who cares how you feel", it's a pretty sad state of affairs, and I can't help but wonder if that is the root of the problem.

When sex becomes just another item on the list of tasks that need to be done in the run of the day, then it's no different than doing the laundry, washing the dishes or sweeping the floor. When one gets tired, isn't feeling well, has a lot of energy invested in their career, child raising or what have you, like any other chore, it can get left in the dust.

That's just sad. Resentment will build up on both sides.

One more thing ( and I know that this is going to go over like a lead balloon, and it's not directed at the op personally) if sex is is enjoyable for someone, then why aren't they more interested? Could it be it's not as great for them as their spouse believes? If it's not, then there is a conversation that needs to be had, tough for the ego as it may be.
Agreed completely. There is a lot of talk here about how his wife (or any wife) SHOULD do this or SHOULD do that... but in general telling someone what they "should" do is about as helpful for resolving libido issues as eating lots of garlic. Chances are it would only make things worse.

IMO the OP and his wife could do with some MC if they haven't already.

I also really wonder how it is that some people are capable of actually wanting to have sex with a person who's really not into it but only doing it because they were threatened. To the SO and I, sex that isn't mutually desired is pointless. Better to masturbate. While it is indeed a spectrum and sometimes people need to start before they get into the mood, I honestly think that those suggesting threatening her into having duty sex might have issues with empathy.
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Old 8th January 2018, 2:40 PM   #207
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While it is indeed a spectrum and sometimes people need to start before they get into the mood, I honestly think that those suggesting threatening her into having duty sex might have issues with empathy.
Boy, there's an awfully thin line to which you seem to be giving very little consideration. Duty has two components - requirement and responsibility. Most adults understand their commitment to an active role in the intimate aspects of a relationship. And if they want a successful marriage, they generally find reasons to have sex rather than reasons not to.

I certainly agree MC might be a lifeline for this marriage...

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Old 18th January 2018, 9:22 AM   #208
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I would kill for 2x a month. You're not getting 3/4x a week. Not going to happen. She has compromised. Learn to masturbate.
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Old 18th January 2018, 12:13 PM   #209
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Since the thread starter hasn't been here for a couple weeks and this thread is quite long, I'll close it pending their return, if any. Members who wish to discuss sexless marriages in general are free to start a thread in our General Relationship Discussion forum. The thread starter can contact moderation if they wish to add more content or ask further questions. Thanks all for your advice and opinion!
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