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Sex in Marriage - How do you compromise?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 26th December 2017, 3:19 AM   #166
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Originally Posted by heartbrokenlady View Post
Yes, if he's already doing all that, good on him. If he shows her love, gives her physical affection without demanding sex, doesn't try to force it. Then it's time for talk or maybe even marriage counselling.
I'd think individual counseling for the OP's wife would be more valuable.

Look, it takes no special insight to understand the value of sex and intimacy in a committed relationship. This is more about "won't" than "can't", something the OP should be mindful of as he moves forward. I hope he's honest with his wife about his feelings...

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Old 26th December 2017, 5:09 AM   #167
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So a person who doesn't like sex is only a spoiled brat who just won't do it for the sake of it?
Knowing it's important can't force someone to do it even though they hate it.
I know fish is good for the health but I'll throw up If I eat it.
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Old 26th December 2017, 5:49 AM   #168
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Originally Posted by SummerDreams View Post
So a person who doesn't like sex is only a spoiled brat who just won't do it for the sake of it?
Knowing it's important can't force someone to do it even though they hate it.
I know fish is good for the health but I'll throw up If I eat it.
Good grief, does she really hate it? And aren't we saying that, if they're married, that's part of the deal? What rights are you talking about when the basic one that defines their union has been revoked?

The question is how big of an anathema is it for her? He says there was a time that she did like it.

I think he needs to feel confident he's given this every possible chance and done everything he can to find a compromise, including counseling. He should tell her when it's the last chance and attach a date to when he thinks he'll officially give up. She needs to be warned, so she can make her choices, too. That's my take on it.
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Old 26th December 2017, 5:55 AM   #169
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Good grief, does she really hate it? And aren't we saying that, if they're married, that's part of the deal? What rights are you talking about when the basic one that defines their union has been revoked?

The question is how big of an anathema is it for her? He says there was a time that she did like it.

I think he needs to feel confident he's given this every possible chance and done everything he can to find a compromise, including counseling. He should tell her when it's the last chance and attach a date to when he thinks he'll officially give up. She needs to be warned, so she can make her choices, too. That's my take on it.
Well her saying "if my husband were to die I'd never have sex again" seems to me equal or at least similar to "I hate sex".

For the rest you say I agree. She needs to know her options.
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Old 26th December 2017, 1:27 PM   #170
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My biggest question in all of this is the why, beyond pain/medication/ body image issues that she no longer is interested in sex, if , in fact, there is a reason that can be defined.

Op, if you flat out ask her what she would be interested in, or what she needs to feel aroused, what does she tell you? Has that changed from when you were first married?

Just like any other part of a perosn's psychology, what they need to feel aroused can change.
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Old 26th December 2017, 2:09 PM   #171
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My biggest question in all of this is the why, beyond pain/medication/ body image issues that she no longer is interested in sex, if , in fact, there is a reason that can be defined.
How many reasons does she actually need though?

Any one of those reasons may be the "why".

Add in the menopause, stress from her high powered job, worry over her kids, a bit of depression, not feeling particularly connected maybe, or just being older, and bored and tired of it all, or she may even be in the middle of an existential crisis...
She seems to have an abundance of reasons for "why" and we haven't even touched on the relationship and what she really feels about the OP..

Last edited by elaine567; 26th December 2017 at 3:06 PM..
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Old 26th December 2017, 7:02 PM   #172
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Originally Posted by SummerDreams View Post
So a person who doesn't like sex is only a spoiled brat who just won't do it for the sake of it?
Knowing it's important can't force someone to do it even though they hate it.
I know fish is good for the health but I'll throw up If I eat it.
There are certain core values in a relationship one willfully ignores at their peril. I’d give the OP the same caution were he behaving similarly, he’d be putting his marriage at extreme risk.

A good, multi-decade marriage is hard work. Time for her to decide if she wants to put in the effort...

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Old 26th December 2017, 9:03 PM   #173
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There are certain core values in a relationship one willfully ignores at their peril. I’d give the OP the same caution were he behaving similarly, he’d be putting his marriage at extreme risk.

A good, multi-decade marriage is hard work. Time for her to decide if she wants to put in the effort...

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She does. She has sex as often as she can take it. But she needs to know the true feelings of her H and exactly how the lack of sex makes him feel.
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Old 27th December 2017, 1:05 PM   #174
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She does. She has sex as often as she can take it.
I feel like you're being purposely obtuse. If PIV sex is undesirable, there's lots of other ways both partners can express intimacy, affection and sexual connection. To choose not to do so on a regular basis sends a message the OP is hearing loud and clear...

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Old 27th December 2017, 1:28 PM   #175
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I feel like you're being purposely obtuse. If PIV sex is undesirable, there's lots of other ways both partners can express intimacy, affection and sexual connection. To choose not to do so on a regular basis sends a message the OP is hearing loud and clear...

Mr. Lucky
OK so we have a woman with RA, now RA very often affects the small joints of the hands and the wrists, elbows and, shoulders so whilst it may be possible, a hand job may not be possible without a lot of pain.
Also jaw pain and involvement of the TMJs is also very common so a BJ may also not be possible.

Sex tends to involve fairly prolonged repetitive movements and for someone whose joints are swollen and painful, then repetitive movements can be something to be avoided.
Whilst it is easy for us to minimise her problems, I doubt in reality that many of us would be indulging in sex if it was literally agony, or stirred up pain for days to come, or we were too exhausted to even contemplate it
WE would be avoiding it too, despite any claims to the contrary.
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Old 27th December 2017, 1:49 PM   #176
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OK so we have a woman with RA, now RA very often affects the small joints of the hands and the wrists, elbows and, shoulders so whilst it may be possible, a hand job may not be possible without a lot of pain.
Also jaw pain and involvement of the TMJs is also very common so a BJ may also not be possible.

Sex tends to involve fairly prolonged repetitive movements and for someone whose joints are swollen and painful, then repetitive movements can be something to be avoided.
Whilst it is easy for us to minimise her problems, I doubt in reality that many of us would be indulging in sex if it was literally agony, or stirred up pain for days to come, or we were too exhausted to even contemplate it
WE would be avoiding it too, despite any claims to the contrary.
Here's the OP's description of her energy and activity level:

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Originally Posted by TexasRob View Post
This is actually pretty typical, she always feels too bad for sex but is fine enough to do a hundred other things. I get that the RA and the medications drag her down but when it is something she really wants to do miraculously she feels o.k. to do it, unless its sex with me then all of the sudden she feels like **** and can't possibly go to bed with me right now.
As always, somewhere in the middle there's an answer for a motivated and connected partner. And I'd guess to the OP, the effort is as important - if not more so - than the results...

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Old 27th December 2017, 2:46 PM   #177
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Lack of sex is rarely just about lack of sex. In most of the cases we hear about, there are so many contributing factors, so many larger issues that culminated in this.

In the OP's case, things might be a bit different, but it sounds like his wife is struggling to support the family on a high stress job despite being very ill. I think it's reasonable to expect a person in such a situation to not desire sex very much. I wonder if there was anything that could be done to help with the job situation or reduce the stress on her though. Perhaps that may lead to a revival in their sex lives and relationship in general.
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Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 27th December 2017 at 7:49 PM.. Reason: off topic ~T
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Old 5th January 2018, 2:18 AM   #178
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Originally Posted by road View Post
She is three years away from sixty.

You are eleven years away from sixty.

You cannot un-marry her now or un-have a child
with her.

When there is a large age gap number the odds
are high that sooner then later that sexual desire
will not match up.
Yeah, I'm not buying that analysis. We've all read here at L/S numerous times about wives whose libido sucks and those are often women who are in their 20s and 30s, the same age as their complaining husbands. In the meantime we've also read about women who are in their 50s and 60s who have high libidos unmatched by their husbands, so the "age gap" theory ain't working with this guy's problem.
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Old 5th January 2018, 2:23 AM   #179
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Originally Posted by TexasRob View Post
Carhill -

We actually are still relatively affectionate with each other, she still kisses me when she comes home from work everyday and likes to cuddle with me on the couch when we watch T.V. She likes to hold hands in public when we go for walks so all that kind of thing is still there. Heck she will even still flirt with me quite often but that can be a two edged sword, back in the day the flirting led at least half the time to something more, now it generally doesn't mean anything. Sometimes it ticks me off that she will flirt with me and get my hopes up and then come bedtime just come in and roll over and go right to sleep.

I'm like - "Hey weren't you just flashing your breasts at me while I was brushing my teeth and talking about how much I must like them and then - nothing?"
That just comes off as cruel to me. Are you telling me she doesn't know that gets you hopeful for something more at bedtime?
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Old 5th January 2018, 2:57 AM   #180
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Okay TexasRob, here's my two cents. Let me say up front that I relate to your situation in many ways. My wife doesn't prohibit me from wanting sex more than she does, but she doesn't initiate so I can relate to your quandary about feeling wanted or needed. I would say her sexual desire is about the same as your wife. She'd maybe go 2X a month whereas I could go 2X a day. So we seem to meet around 2X a week on average which isn't nearly enough for me, but clearly I'm not being "cut off" as you seem to be.

I sometimes roll my eyes at those who post their support for people like your wife because I'm doing simple equations in my mind. For instance, let's say the average sex act takes 30 minutes, give or take. That means there are 48 slices of 30 minute periods in a full day. In other words, if your wife were to engage in sex with you three times a week, it's going to be roughly 90 minutes of her time over the course of a full week. I'm sorry, but these days watching a commercial laden movie is in excess of two hours! Does she find time to do that?

Marriage is about giving. Marriage is about pleasing your spouse. So if you as her husband are going out of your way to please your spouse in ways other than sex, is it asking so much for her to work with you in that area? Even if the excitement of sex isn't quite there for your wife, I'd like to believe that she's thinking about the fact that it's something that you really crave and strive to share with her often. Isn't that what marriage is about?

You're not asking her (arthritis and all) to go work on some labor intensive assembly line for 12 hours a day! It's sex! You're asking her to engage in something that's pleasurable and should be a sincere bonding moment for her as well as you.

People posting here get all worked up about "busy schedules" and "tough jobs" and a host of other excuses. You know what? Our ancestors 3-4 generations back had tough lives. We don't even know what the term means today. Most of our ancestors had laborious jobs and oftentimes had to worry about putting food on their tables and a roof over their heads. They had REAL things to worry about. So when I hear about the "tough day at the office" I just have to smirk. And trust me, I've had "tough days at the office" (to use that same ridiculous formula) and it didn't affect my libido or my desire for my wife when I got home.

And my other observation is this. You in your 50s and her in her 60s is irrelevant. People's libidos are different and this happens when they're in their 20s or their 70s. You and your wife aren't that far apart so I see that as a red herring rather than a reasonable reason. There are thousands of women out there with off the charts libidos in their 50s and 60s.

Now, I say all of this assuming that your wife's arthritis isn't disabling based on the fact that she's still working and seems to live an otherwise normal life. I have some arthritis and know several people who do. It's uncomfortable at times, but quite manageable. Aside from the real severe cases where it in indeed disabling, one can work through it from day-to-day.

Here's the bottom line I think. Sit down with her and ask her very sincerely how she'd feel about you finding a surrogate sex partner outside the marriage. Not someone to love romantically, but someone who you might term a F### Buddy. Assure her that your marriage would remain great otherwise and you'd remain entirely committed to her in all other ways. You can say it was suggested to you given you and your wife's unmatched sexual interest. And you'd be telling the truth because I'm suggesting this to you.

Her response will tell you what you need to know. If she's offended that you'd even bring up such a scenario then the obvious question becomes, okay, so if that idea bothers you so much, why don't you work with me to better the frequency of intimacy between you and I? Because reading your posting, I get the idea that your wife is not all that interested in what your needs are at this point.

If her response is, "Okay, if that's something you need go for it." Well, in that case, I guess you're going to know all that you need to know about where your wife is about on the subject.

And before anyone scolds me for "giving a spouse ultimatums" that's not what I'm suggesting TexasRob does here. I'm suggesting he ask the question to get a response which hopefully gauges where his wife is really at with intimacy in their marriage.

P.S. Since you're in Texas make sure there are no loaded weapons nearby when you ask her the above question.

Last edited by ICEMAN69; 5th January 2018 at 3:05 AM..
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