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GF is pregnant...not sure on path


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We have been dating a year and she is really nice, no problem at all. We had a major accidental pregnancy (multiple protections failed). We talked about eventually wanting a family together, but she is still in college, and I only work part time. We are both against abortion in general, but man not sure we are ready for a kid. We dont have a house, we dont live together, etc etc.

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Learn more about adoption. There are a lot of infertile couples who can give your child a great life.

 

 

When a childhood friend found herself pregnant at 19 her & the father made a pact to consider marriage on the baby's 1st birthday. They didn't last that long. My point is don't rush into marriage because you think you have to.

 

 

Do speak to lawyers about your rights & obligations as the father.

 

 

Best wishes

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Don't be in a rush to marry. And, be certain the child is yours (paternity test before allowing your name on the birth certificate). Take things slowly and carefully, and see how they develop. You can always marry, but you can't easily undo a bad marriage or a mistaken paternity. I hate to be cynical, and it probably isn't necessary, but protecting yourself keeps your options open, and if the child is your, makes your responsibilities clear and without reservation.

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If you don't believe in abortion and you don't want to become parents yet, then it makes sense to seriously the consider the option of adoption.

 

Another option would be having the baby and continuing to develop the relationship. You can work full time and your girlfriend can continue to attend college with a child.

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If you are against abortion, that is fine and it isn't a road you have to go down. It does leave you with two options, which are to parent the child yourselves or place the child with another family.

 

Placing a child for adoption is not a selfish thing, it is the most selfless thing you can do. Some people will tell you that there are so many people who are ready to be parents and you will be giving them the best gift. I say no. You do not choose adoption for yourself, or for the adoptive parents. You are choosing adoption for the child. You are not giving another couple a gift, you are giving the child a gift - which is a chance at the best life possible.

 

There are many different types of adoption. From totally closed with no information shared, to totally open. You could have an open adoption which allows you to still see the child. Some families decide to meet once a year, some just send pictures. Some meet a few times a year, some meet monthly or weekly. It's something that is decided upon when placing the child and choosing the adoptive family. Adoption does not mean you never see the child again. It is a very difficult path to take, but so is parenting. And, please, never think of adoption as "giving away" your child.

 

If you decide to parent you will both need to make changes. You will need to work full time, she will need to work as well and work 10x harder to finish school. You will need to grow stronger as a couple and understand that bringing a child into a relationship this way can be very hard on the relationship. Do not get married because she is pregnant, that is not a good reason. If you still want to get married 1-2 years after the baby is born, consider it then.

 

Neither situation is easy. They are very different, harder in different ways, but both valid options. Expect your mindset to change as the shock sets in.

 

If your GF decides she wants to place the child for adoption, stand by her decision unless you really feel you are ready to parent and co-parent. Coming from someone who had an unplanned pregnancy while in university, who bounced back and forth between placing and parenting, had a lot of obstacles for adoption to take place, and ultimately choose to parent to a little girl born exactly 1 year ago.

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If you are against abortion, that is fine and it isn't a road you have to go down. It does leave you with two options, which are to parent the child yourselves or place the child with another family.

 

Placing a child for adoption is not a selfish thing, it is the most selfless thing you can do. Some people will tell you that there are so many people who are ready to be parents and you will be giving them the best gift. I say no. You do not choose adoption for yourself, or for the adoptive parents. You are choosing adoption for the child. You are not giving another couple a gift, you are giving the child a gift - which is a chance at the best life possible.

 

There are many different types of adoption. From totally closed with no information shared, to totally open. You could have an open adoption which allows you to still see the child. Some families decide to meet once a year, some just send pictures. Some meet a few times a year, some meet monthly or weekly. It's something that is decided upon when placing the child and choosing the adoptive family. Adoption does not mean you never see the child again. It is a very difficult path to take, but so is parenting. And, please, never think of adoption as "giving away" your child.

 

If you decide to parent you will both need to make changes. You will need to work full time, she will need to work as well and work 10x harder to finish school. You will need to grow stronger as a couple and understand that bringing a child into a relationship this way can be very hard on the relationship. Do not get married because she is pregnant, that is not a good reason. If you still want to get married 1-2 years after the baby is born, consider it then.

 

Neither situation is easy. They are very different, harder in different ways, but both valid options. Expect your mindset to change as the shock sets in.

 

If your GF decides she wants to place the child for adoption, stand by her decision unless you really feel you are ready to parent and co-parent. Coming from someone who had an unplanned pregnancy while in university, who bounced back and forth between placing and parenting, had a lot of obstacles for adoption to take place, and ultimately choose to parent to a little girl born exactly 1 year ago.

 

This is excellent advice.

Marriage because of a pregnancy is almost always a poor choice.

I also want to add that becoming parents is hard on the best of marriages and in the most optimal situations.

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The choice is ultimately really your GFs. What does she want to do?

 

A few people have mentioned adoption, but that can also create feelings of guilt and isn't the right option for everyone.

 

I couldn't bear to know I gave birth to a child and had nothing to do with him or her.

 

It's not about the child having a better life...it's about how guilty I would feel. I wouldn't feel the same guilt about a termination.

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Its hard because up till now I have enjoyed all the time together, but now I start to have all these doubts: 'Am I ready to spend my life with this girl?' Then I get caught up in my head 'if I am thinking that it means Im not ready' Vicious circle

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Its hard because up till now I have enjoyed all the time together, but now I start to have all these doubts: 'Am I ready to spend my life with this girl?' Then I get caught up in my head 'if I am thinking that it means Im not ready' Vicious circle

 

If there is one thing I've learned it's that being pregnant and having a child does not mean you will stay together. It's ideal, of course. However, having a child with her does not mean that you are going to spend the rest of your life with her. Having a child is hard on any couple, whether they are a new couple facing an unplanned pregnancy or they have been married for years and planned for a child.

 

Have you been talking to your girlfriend? What does she want to do?

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The choice is ultimately really your GFs. What does she want to do?

 

A few people have mentioned adoption, but that can also create feelings of guilt and isn't the right option for everyone.

 

I couldn't bear to know I gave birth to a child and had nothing to do with him or her.

 

It's not about the child having a better life...it's about how guilty I would feel. I wouldn't feel the same guilt about a termination.

 

Since he is the father of this child, he has a say in what happens as well.

Women may be the ones to carry children but we cannot conceive them without men. If a man is prepared to support a woman which he has impregnated in whatever decisions they make, then of course his beliefs and feelings carry weight as well.

 

I agree that adoption often creates guilt as well as lifelong grief. However, choosing adoption isn't about the parents' emotional needs. The OP has already stated that he and his girlfriend do not believe in abortion so that's not an option for them.

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somanymistakes

Small warning, adoption is far more complicated than a lot of people make it out to be, especially closed adoptions. Women who give up their babies and sign the rights promising to never see them again are often permanently traumatised and haunted by the thought of their lost child, knowing it's out there somewhere but not being able to know what happened to it or whether it's okay. For some people, this can be harder to deal with than miscarriage or abortion where at least it's all over and done with and you can mourn and move on.

 

The extended family option is also one that can be considered. Do either of you have relatives that would be willing to take on a new baby, or at least help out with supporting one? In a situation like that, there wouldn't be the pain and trauma of losing the baby forever, but you also wouldn't have the full burden planted squarely on the two of you, who may not be ready for it. You would still be able to see your kid and maybe even take over more parenting duties later as your position became more stable.

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To be clear she is ok with abortion, but for me I'd feel way too guilty. I guess I am looking for some advice or encouragement that this situation isn't as hopeless as it feels, or that things CAN work out ok.

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Small warning, adoption is far more complicated than a lot of people make it out to be, especially closed adoptions. Women who give up their babies and sign the rights promising to never see them again are often permanently traumatised and haunted by the thought of their lost child, knowing it's out there somewhere but not being able to know what happened to it or whether it's okay. For some people, this can be harder to deal with than miscarriage or abortion where at least it's all over and done with and you can mourn and move on.

 

The idea of having children of mine out there without any knowledge of or control over their circumstances is utterly horrifying to me. And I'm not even a woman capable of carrying and giving birth to a child.

 

How adoption is touted as being a beautiful thing is revolting. Adoption is a complicated matter with far reaching consequences spanning over many generations. Adoption is always preceded by tragic circumstances. If accidental pregnancies didn't happen to young and immature people without adequate support networks, if there was no abject poverty anywhere in the world, if no children were ever abducted from their parents to be sold on the illegal adoption market, if no children were ever orphaned, if no children were ever severely maltreated, etc. no adoptions would ever take place. Under some circumstances, adoption can be the least bad option. It is depressing that adoptions need to happen in the first place.

 

The extended family option is also one that can be considered. Do either of you have relatives that would be willing to take on a new baby, or at least help out with supporting one? In a situation like that, there wouldn't be the pain and trauma of losing the baby forever, but you also wouldn't have the full burden planted squarely on the two of you, who may not be ready for it. You would still be able to see your kid and maybe even take over more parenting duties later as your position became more stable.

 

Even that scenario, despite perhaps being the best possible type of adoption, is pregnant with many sorts of weirdness. Identity is a very serious matter. The most obvious elephant in the room would be the question of if or when the child would be told who its real parents are.

 

This entire topic underlines the fact that sex comes with a steep cost. Fifteen minutes of intense pleasure can result in a life sentence in more ways than one. Having sex is like playing Russian roulette.

Edited by AMarriedMan
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To be clear she is ok with abortion, but for me I'd feel way too guilty. I guess I am looking for some advice or encouragement that this situation isn't as hopeless as it feels, or that things CAN work out ok.

 

Things can & will work out OK no matter which option you chose. They all have upsides & downsides. You don't have a ton of time to make this decision but you need to make the one that seems best for the 3 of you.

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You do not have to marry this girl.

 

You are against killing your baby then tell your GF that

option has to be taken off of the table. I could not kill

a child of my own.

 

Nor could I let someone adopt my child.

 

You can be a dad to this child.

 

You can ask her parents and your parents to help raise

the child when due to school or at work neither one of

you are available to raise the child.

 

You both can work full time and go to school part time.

 

You danced, and now cannot complain that you have to

pay the band.

 

I worked in a high school and said on occasion when student's

remarks about premarital sex and pregnancies caused me to

advise that people should not have sex unless it is with the

person that they want to marry. For the life changing consequences

that can happened can never be undone.

 

Having sex does not make one an adult.

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lucy_in_disguise

Your life will change no matter what route you take, but things will work themselves out.

 

You don't need to have your relationship with your girlfriend completely figured out at this time. Just focus on being a supportive partner. You can make your position on abortion known, but Ultimately, it is her body and her decision whether or not to abort. Regardless of your personal views, I believe the only correct message you can send your girlfriend right now is, "I will support you no matter what decision you make." She has some hard choices ahead and I encourage you not to add your judgement to the mix.

 

Regardless of what decision she makes, you can both have a bright future. People generally don't regret having kids, and though you may not feel ready, you may find some solace in the fact that you are not alone- I'd wager that the overwhelming majority of first time parents are not ready, even if the pregnancy is planned. It may not be the path you envisioned for you lives, but life is full of surprises.

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There is no way to sugar coat this situation. And, I am sure what I am posting will go against what society says you should do. But the reality is this is and will be THE defining moment in your and your girlfriend's lives. The wrong decision will weigh on you both forever. You either man-up and do the right thing, or you don't.

 

Jesus said, "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." Only that "friend" is your son or daughter. Do you have the courage to lay down your life...to give up everything that you had desired for your future so that that life in your girlfriend's womb can live and fulfill the purpose God has for him or her, or are you going to do the easy thing and snuff out his or her life so you and your girlfriend can be temporarily happy? That is the question you guys have to answer.

 

Other options exist to abortion. Adoption, family helping to take care of the baby until you can, or marriage. None are easy, but none carry with them the lifetime of remorse and regret that abortion will. I have seen it first hand.

 

There is no harm in talking to a pastor about your options before making any decisions. I know it seems like an overwhelming situation now, but help exists to get you through this challenging time. I am praying you make a God-centered decision and allow your son or daughter to live.

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. Do you have the courage to lay down your life...to give up everything that you had desired for your future so that that life in your girlfriend's womb can live and fulfill the purpose God has for him or her, or are you going to do the easy thing and snuff out his or her life so you and your girlfriend can be temporarily happy? That is the question you guys have to answer.

.

 

I really liked this quote, it would only be for temporary happiness.

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9weeks. Is these problems I mention normal or something of a red flag?

 

You need to step up and be a dad.

 

Continue to date the mom to see if she is marriage

material or not.

 

Be a good co-parent.

 

What red flags?

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LivingWaterPlease
There is no way to sugar coat this situation. And, I am sure what I am posting will go against what society says you should do. But the reality is this is and will be THE defining moment in your and your girlfriend's lives. The wrong decision will weigh on you both forever. You either man-up and do the right thing, or you don't.

 

Jesus said, "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." Only that "friend" is your son or daughter. Do you have the courage to lay down your life...to give up everything that you had desired for your future so that that life in your girlfriend's womb can live and fulfill the purpose God has for him or her, or are you going to do the easy thing and snuff out his or her life so you and your girlfriend can be temporarily happy? That is the question you guys have to answer.

 

Other options exist to abortion. Adoption, family helping to take care of the baby until you can, or marriage. None are easy, but none carry with them the lifetime of remorse and regret that abortion will. I have seen it first hand.

 

There is no harm in talking to a pastor about your options before making any decisions. I know it seems like an overwhelming situation now, but help exists to get you through this challenging time. I am praying you make a God-centered decision and allow your son or daughter to live.

 

I agree with the above. I was pro abortion in college and debated the issue in a collegiate debate for class credit my junior year in university. However, I have seen the burden some, who didn't think they would, carry for sometimes a lifetime after having had an abortion. I have a close friend whose children are grown who had to deal with having had an abortion before she married. She has done all she can with having counseling and God's forgiveness but it has been a rough ordeal for her. And I have two family members who have chosen to have abortions and have suffered as a result.

 

Also, I encourage you not to marry this woman just because she's pregnant with your child. We have a couple in our family who did this and the marriage has been miserable. They're now divorcing and there are other children involved at this point, too. It's a mess.

 

We also have a family member who is an unwed mother and her cousins are rearing her child. The child is around five by now and they know who their biological mother is. If you should choose the route of having a relative raise the child please be sure the child knows which persons are his/her parents as I also have a friend who reared his son as his own but it was actually the son of his daughter and her bf. When the child became old enough to find out who his bio parents were it totally messed with his mind that his sister was his bio mom and he went off the deep end, drugs, crime, the whole nine yards.

 

All that to say, although it's yours and your gf's decision to make, I encourage you to allow this child to continue his/her life that has begun! Though I never cared about having children and got pregnant by mistake while married, having children has been the joy of my life. It's a whole lot of work, but it's the best thing that's ever happened to me!

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