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He wants to finish school before he marries me


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Hi I'm Amanda and I'm engaged to my best friend of 20 years. We met at the age of 9 and are about to turn 30. We've been dating for 6 years engaged 3. His reason for not wanting to get married is because he wants to finish his degree. I could understand if he had student loans or anything like that but he had a college fund and has nothing to pay back. We live together in a house and have for years. For me it just seems ridiculous when we could get married and have the money to. We even picked a place that will do all of it for you. I even have my dress his mom got me as a gift. All that's stopping this from happening is him. What should I do? I already agreed that we would wait on kids until after he gets a job at the crime lab. Am I being unreasonable? I've been supportive and patient but it's really getting to me. His older brother has been with his lady for 15 years they have a kid and engaged 5 years, no intention of getting married. I fear that this is how out life is going to be.

Edited by Amandaelisa
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Well, it doesn't sound unreasonable to me...

 

But, you can't get married without a groom. I'm sure you have discussed your feelings at length... Which means that unless he changes his mind, you will be waiting until he is finished school.

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You are confusing a wedding with a marriage. Getting married is not about a dress or a venue. The wedding is only one day.

 

It makes sense that your fiance would want to complete his education before getting married. However, this should have been agreed upon before he proposed. It sounds like the two of you are on different time lines.

 

When will your fiance graduate?

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BarbedFenceRider

Since you knew him at the age of 9, did you guys have other serious relationships. Test the waters and all? How is your domestic life? Living together working out okay? I ask because, he will have a degree, a job, new house? And the big wedding.... A horror of a money pit. Watching in laws go through this for me is just jaw dropping. A lot of guys will freak on this alone. Meanwhile all you are thinking of is a dress, bridesmaids and pictures. It can get a little daunting for your guy...

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I can understand him wanting to wait till he finishes his degree and isn't a student.

 

He probably wants to have a stable job too.

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Hi I'm Amanda and I'm engaged to my best friend of 20 years. We met at the age of 9 and are about to turn 30. We've been dating for 6 years engaged 3. His reason for not wanting to get married is because he wants to finish his degree. I could understand if he had student loans or anything like that but he had a college fund and has nothing to pay back. We live together in a house and have for years. For me it just seems ridiculous when we could get married and have the money to. We even picked a place that will do all of it for you. I even have my dress his mom got me as a gift. All that's stopping this from happening is him. What should I do? I already agreed that we would wait on kids until after he gets a job at the crime lab. Am I being unreasonable? I've been supportive and patient but it's really getting to me. His older brother has been with his lady for 15 years they have a kid and engaged 5 years, no intention of getting married. I fear that this is how out life is going to be.

 

He just doesn't want to get married.

3 years engaged and cohabiting for years, marriage ain't going to happen here.

He has a perfect role model in his brother too...

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A little off point ..

But why wouldn't you choose your own wedding dress and have one his mum bought?

Edited by sandylee1
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He doesn't want to get married. He already has everything just the way he wants it. This could go on for many more years until one of you finally snaps.

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somanymistakes

Well, he's definitely in no hurry to get married.

 

What is he expecting to change when you DO? What does marriage mean to him, how is it different from what you currently have? What's he afraid of?

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Hi I'm Amanda and I'm engaged to my best friend of 20 years. We met at the age of 9 and are about to turn 30. We've been dating for 6 years engaged 3. His reason for not wanting to get married is because he wants to finish his degree. I could understand if he had student loans or anything like that but he had a college fund and has nothing to pay back. We live together in a house and have for years. For me it just seems ridiculous when we could get married and have the money to. We even picked a place that will do all of it for you. I even have my dress his mom got me as a gift. All that's stopping this from happening is him. What should I do? I already agreed that we would wait on kids until after he gets a job at the crime lab. Am I being unreasonable? I've been supportive and patient but it's really getting to me. His older brother has been with his lady for 15 years they have a kid and engaged 5 years, no intention of getting married. I fear that this is how out life is going to be.

 

When I first read the title of your post I thought that his reason seemed reasonable. BUT having lived together for 6 years and engaged for 3, I thought 'oh oh.' First of all, I have deep misgivings about an engagement that goes beyond 2-years. I think that if you're going to ask, the wedding should certainly take place within 2-years tops, if not within 1. Otherwise, hold off. I would have a serious talk about your concerns. You are not being crazy or unrealistic. I don't see any sound reason to hold off on the wedding based on what you've shared.

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At 22 his stance would be reasonable. At 30 it's an excuse.

 

When will he finish his degree? If it's not soon, I think he's just stringing you along.

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WaitingForBardot
/...snip/

Which means that unless he changes his mind, you will be waiting at least until he is finished school.

Fixed it for you. :)

 

And OP, I wouldn't hold your breath after that either...

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At 22 his stance would be reasonable. At 30 it's an excuse.

 

When will he finish his degree? If it's not soon, I think he's just stringing you along.

 

Fixed it for you. :)

 

And OP, I wouldn't hold your breath after that either...

 

I didn't want to suggest these things, but my experience has been that long engagements are often a prelude to a decision to transition. Be prepared for the possibility that this long engagement is nothing more than him keeping you around until he does finish school only to 'transition.'

 

I've seen this time and time again...

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If he is not going to marry you, and you want to stick in there anyway, you need to make sure you protect your own assets and interests. Plenty resources online about cohabiting and your rights, to help you and if necessary consult a lawyer.

Do not be that girl who gets chucked out of house and home 10 years later, (as he owns everything).

 

Make sure your contraception is perfect too, the last thing you need in this situation is to get pregnant and become a single mother.

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Men who want to get married, get married. Nothing stops them. If its what they want, they do it.

 

Men who dont want to get married wont. They'll make up every excuse known to modern man.

 

Do you both own the house?

 

If you both wanted to get married, you could easily go to the courthouse and get married. Then when he finishes school, you could have the wedding that you want. His brother also not getting married is not a good precedent. I dont see any compelling reason for him to want to get married.

Edited by Whodatdog
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