Should we separate?

[Nikkid]

I have mentioned to my husband a number of times how I feel, and each time I cry less and wonder more if leaving would be the best thing for both of us; my sanity and his stress level...

 

I am 34 husband 42 and have been married for 4 years, have a 19 month old, and we haven't had sex since conceiving him. We had issues with sex early on but he blamed it on the stress of filling bankruptcy, as time went on it was the fact that my now 20 year old step daughter was home, or that he worked to much do to the fact that I couldn't find a higher paying job once i moved from NYC to WA state.

 

He says the issue now is that our son ends up in our bad, or again that he's too tiered from all of the work he has to do because I'm not making enough. We barely talk about anything, there is no romance, I find myself just going along with everything and anything, because I feel like maybe im the problem and call myself trying to work on me to fix us.

 

I feel horrible for my son, I was a wait tell 30 to get married, and no kids before marriage type of girl. I met my husband at 28 online when I was just casually dating, and pickup everything and moved.

 

I find now that most of our conversations are about lack of money, or my step daughter who is in college - her college parties, drinking, etc., her grades too of course, or reminiscing about when he was in college - he had her in college.

 

I've stop trying for sex with him and the more I think about it, i feel like it's too hard to go back to sex with him, like the fire is somewhat all the way out.

 

I'm interviewing for higher paying jobs now, and all I can think about is setting myself up to leave, finding love again and still possibly grow my family with someone else.

 

I want another child, and with our ages we have a small window to make that happen. He says he wants another but waiting on me and landing a solid job. Im starting to feel like now that he has a kid that's about to be 21 all he wants to do is hang out and drink with her, in a way like he's living the full college experience through her that he didn't get to really have.

 

I'm just all kind of confused. I love him, I really do, but I'm not getting anything from this marriage as is besides a roof over my head, and my son.

[Trail Blazer]

That's a tough situation. I know how you feel somewhat, having a significantly older wife with 2 stepchildren who are now in their early 20s, plus 2 young kids of our own.

 

Your husband expects you to get a solid paying job before you have another kid? From my experience it's pretty tough on a wife having a higher paying job which equals high stress, while having 2 little kids. At least the older 2 kids are his and not yours. Do your stepkids live with you occasionally or is custody split evenly with their mom?

 

I hope your hushand earns decent money if he's expecting you to not only have the children, but earn more money in a more stressful job to pay for them. Take it from my wife when she says it's hard being the breeder and the breadwinner. In our scenario she's been the higher earner, but also with the additional burden of the 2 older kids being hers with her ex not on the scene in any meaningful way.

 

I'm not sure whether you should seperate yet. Maybe counseling might help. If he loves you and is committed to making it work, I don't think things are that bad yet where you can't try to fix things first. Him not wanting sex is a sign of either low testosterone, or stress. Or both. My wife filed for bankruptcy after we had financial issues. It was an incredibly stressful period for all, but mainly her.

 

Perhaps there's hope for you guys. I don't think having another child is the right decision, even though I understand you're in your mid 30s now and your husband, while not strictly having biological issues conceiveing at his age or older, probably doesn't want to have kids much later than he is now, given he's in his early 40s. If you are any hope to stay together and successfully have another kid, he needs to step up, be mature and stop living vicariously through his daughter.

[d0nnivain]

I am not a throw in the towel kind of girl. Your DH does seem a bit selfish on the sex / romance side. But let's assume he's right about the financial stressors. First thing I'd do is make a budget. Seriously -- sit down & write out all your expenses. Track them for a week if you don't know what they are -- how much you spend on the morning coffee, clothes etc. Put it all on paper. Look at your income. Then start to figure out where you can cut costs. There are tons of websites out there that tell you how to budget & where to cut costs. Do you really need that gym membership? Can you cut out cable? Did you shop around for car insurance? Etc.

 

If you ease the financial pressures, then you can address the marital ones.

 

They are pop psychology & somewhat misogynistic but read two books by Dr. Laura: The Care & Feeding of a Marriage and the Care & Feeding of a Husband. At ground they are about appreciation. Even if you want certain things to change, it can be easier once you learn to appreciate what you do have: your son, your husband's work ethic. a roof over your head.

[road]

There is reason why he will not have sex.

 

The excuse is he is stressed, and has money issues.

Well boo F'ing hoo, for there are lots of people that

are broke ass poor and they are going at it faster

than rabbits.

 

Time for MC to get the issue out in the open and fixed.

If he won't go or it can't be fixed do not waste any

more of your youth on him.

[somanymistakes]

Considering your husband's age, is it possible he's having ED problems and struggling with denial over it? He's about the right age for that to start. Many men don't want to admit to themselves that their equipment isn't working the way it did when they were younger, so they blame everything else around them and try to brush the issue aside rather than actually look into getting it treated.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I'm going cautious on this one. You have tension in your relationship and you are already talking of bailing...Maybe your hubby is sensing your non-commitment. Your child is coming into the "2s"...Enough said. That is taxing enough already for both of you. Your older daughter is around and that is a tough pill to swallow as well.

When I have disagreements with my wife, I do not think sex. Not in the least. Mr. Pinky wouldn't cooperate at that stage anyhow. Like many others have said, the whole day is a build up to relations later in the evening. If it has been one drama after another, I would think sex is probably going to be a non-starter. Maybe a equal footing and neutral ground would be something to build upon for re-starting intimacy for you guys.

My Wife and I usually start in the kitchen. Cliche' right? But seriously, while we cook dinner, we tend not to jump down each others throat and build intimacy by being together...

[jenkins95]

Hi Nikki

 

I'm glad that posters aren't immediately taking the "just divorce him" approach, which we sometimes see. There is some good, sound advice here.

 

To me, this...

 

I love him, I really do

 

...and the fact that you have a toddler together means that you should fight hard before giving up and if that means dragging him along to MC, so be it. He needs to see how unsatisfied you are, that he is in danger of losing you and that there are things he can do to vastly improve the situation.

 

Keep posting! Really hope you work it out.

 

Good luck!

[Hecan]

Girl, Marriage is HARD!! I wish it wasn't the case but for most of us it just is. You have several things going for you, A great young child and you say you still love your husband !! And, you obviously have skills to be getting a higher paying job! Don't give up just yet. Please sit him down and discuss counseling and spending quality time together. Most of us that have been married for a long time will tell you you have to be willing to fall in love again and again....with your spouse is the reason we are still together. I wish I had a love story with no bumps or times of truly being ready to end it. I don't, nor does my husband. BUT, TODAY, He is the love of my life and we play together and laugh together, love together. Will we be fighting together next week?? I don't know ! But you don't know that you won't find someone else, love for a while and find yourself right back here!!

 

See what you can do? See if he is willing!! The sex and time together must be addressed!! I wish you all the best and strength my friend. Two willing people CAN make a difference !

[RecentChange]

Honestly, while marriage can be "hard" it shouldn't be this hard.

 

4 short years and already it's all falling apart?

 

Am I getting this straight, that for the first year and a half sex was an issue, and now you two haven't had sex at all in over two years?

 

And you fight about money, can't communicate effectively and have a step child complicating things?

 

How long did you know him in person (not online) before marrying him?

 

As for his excuses, they are just that, excuses, for some reason he can't communicate with you.

 

Yes get counseling. You two vowed till death do you part so an attempt should be made before throwing in the towel.

 

But I am not optimistic about a happily ever after in this situation AT ALL.

 

Maybe everything will do a 180. Maybe you will both learn how to express yourselves. Maybe the money problems will go away and you two will work as a team on your finances rather than advisarial. Maybe he will find a sex drive and make you feel desired and sexy rather than rejected. Maybe you will fall back in love, and put each other first and work together as you and him against the world. Maybe you will be a source of comfort for each other rather than a source of stress.

 

Or perhaps there are too many hills to climb here, and you two won't be able to create something that was never really there.