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Wife bringing random guys in house with our son


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I'm going thru a divorce and I moved out and we have shared custody with our only son. He is 9 years old. Anyways, my wife is keeping our house and the divorce isn't finalized. My son reached out to me saying that "mommy has guys over the house when I go to bed." I have no idea who these guys are and I really don't give a crap who she's sleeping with but I feel she is potentially putting my son in danger.

 

Is there any action I can take with regards to this? I technically still own the house and I clearly don't want my son waking up and finding different men in the house esp. when I have no idea who the hell they are?

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Well, we knew before you separated that your wife was not a devoted mother, manipulative, and spiteful. So, what about this situation really surprises you?

 

Perhaps, this is her response to the fact that you cheated on her and you are currently dating a woman half your age.

 

All you can do is talk to her and try to convince her to put her son's best interest ahead of her own... You shouldn't have to do that, but...

Edited by BaileyB
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CautiouslyOptimistic

This poor kid :(. How often does he sleep at your home so she can have some adult time without him there?

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Speak to your lawyer. In my state, sometimes the court will order "no unrelated adults of the opposite sex" are to stay the night in the home while the children are in residence. If you're concerned she lacks the judgement to only allow safe men into the house, you could try for that.

 

However, be aware that the rule would also apply to you. So, you'd be unable to have female friends stay over when you have the kids.

 

Also understand that there are loopholes big enough to drive a truck through. To skirt the rules, divorcing or divorced people will have their SO come over early in the morning and leave after midnight, but so long as they didn't sleep over, the rules have been observed.

 

And, lastly, some people will hastily marry rather than be separated every night by court order. Some of those marriages are obviously ill advised and the relationship may have ended on it's own much earlier if the order hadn't forced their hands.

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This poor kid :(. How often does he sleep at your home so she can have some adult time without him there?

 

He stays with me Tuesdays and Thursdays and every-other weekend from Friday to Sunday night.

 

I hate this woman more than words can describe at this point. I never in a million years would have ever thought she would be this way.

 

She took out a restraining order on me a few weeks ago and so I went to my lawyer about it and he basically shook his head. She has initiated every bit of conversation and it's only been thru Text message. My lawyer looked it over and said she had no basis. Once she found out I wouldn't be able to see my son during the order and that I went to a lawyer she immediately dropped the order.

 

Now, she says she got it not because she ever felt in danger or threatened but that she felt upset.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
He stays with me Tuesdays and Thursdays and every-other weekend from Friday to Sunday night.

 

I hate this woman more than words can describe at this point. I never in a million years would have ever thought she would be this way.

 

She took out a restraining order on me a few weeks ago and so I went to my lawyer about it and he basically shook his head. She has initiated every bit of conversation and it's only been thru Text message. My lawyer looked it over and said she had no basis. Once she found out I wouldn't be able to see my son during the order and that I went to a lawyer she immediately dropped the order.

 

Now, she says she got it not because she ever felt in danger or threatened but that she felt upset.

 

Can ya blame her?

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He stays with me Tuesdays and Thursdays and every-other weekend from Friday to Sunday night.

 

I hate this woman more than words can describe at this point. I never in a million years would have ever thought she would be this way.

 

She took out a restraining order on me a few weeks ago and so I went to my lawyer about it and he basically shook his head. She has initiated every bit of conversation and it's only been thru Text message. My lawyer looked it over and said she had no basis. Once she found out I wouldn't be able to see my son during the order and that I went to a lawyer she immediately dropped the order.

 

Now, she says she got it not because she ever felt in danger or threatened but that she felt upset.

 

Typical cheater ploy. Nothing unusual until they have to prove it

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Typical cheater ploy. Nothing unusual until they have to prove it

 

OP's or his wife's behavior? IIRC, he had an affair with a much younger woman then left his wife to be with said woman.

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My ex left me for another woman, too. If he ever tried to come back and tell me I cant **** who I want when I want, Id tell him that was the price of the p*ssy. He no longer has any right to question what I'm doing unless I've put our children in danger. It doesn't sound to me like you have any reason to think she's done that.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
My ex left me for another woman, too. If he ever tried to come back and tell me I cant **** who I want when I want, Id tell him that was the price of the p*ssy. He no longer has any right to question what I'm doing unless I've put our children in danger. It doesn't sound to me like you have any reason to think she's done that.

 

The hypocrisy is astounding.

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I'm doing unless I've put our children in danger. It doesn't sound to me like you have any reason to think she's done that.

Except that seems to be what this is about. If the nine year old is noticing a string of various men coming and going then it might put him at danger. If he'd had a parade of woman marching in and out it'd be the same.

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Except that seems to be what this is about. If the nine year old is noticing a string of various men coming and going then it might put him at danger. If he'd had a parade of woman marching in and out it'd be the same.

 

What's the danger??? I wouldnt ever want to make my children uncomfortable so I wouldn't do tjis. But there's a big difference between uncomfortable and dangerous. This mom has made a decision that each of these guys (and I dont think we know if its two or 20) is ok to be around her child and as his parent that's her prerogative.

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It is just one of the problems faced when you cheat and leave your wife in a mess and run out on your child, for the joys of a younger woman...

YOU cannot have your cake and eat it.

You left your wife and now she can date/sleep with/get engaged to/marry whoever she likes.

 

She will have a hard enough job coming to terms with you deserting her, I do not think it is your place to make her life any harder than no doubt it is.

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I don't want my son thinking poorly of my wife. When we were together we had a mutual friend that went thru a divorce and she slept around like nothing we've ever seen before. My wife was the first person to confront her and talk about self-worth.

 

I agree that if I chose to leave my wife for another woman she's free to see or sleep with whoever she wants. My concern is that she's sneaking guys into the house while she thinks our son is sleeping and he keeps finding out. Maybe she's not putting him in danger per say but in a position where he will think very differently of her.

 

I will say that my wife was very conservative and prior to us getting together only slept with 4 or 5 guys by age 25. This was prob. why she wasn't so open to sex.

 

I'm also not justifying my actions because I know I was 100% wrong. I obviously have regrets and I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't bother me that she's seeing other guys. At the end of the day I am human.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I don't want my son thinking poorly of my wife. When we were together we had a mutual friend that went thru a divorce and she slept around like nothing we've ever seen before. My wife was the first person to confront her and talk about self-worth.

 

I agree that if I chose to leave my wife for another woman she's free to see or sleep with whoever she wants. My concern is that she's sneaking guys into the house while she thinks our son is sleeping and he keeps finding out. Maybe she's not putting him in danger per say but in a position where he will think very differently of her.

 

I will say that my wife was very conservative and prior to us getting together only slept with 4 or 5 guys by age 25. This was prob. why she wasn't so open to sex.

 

I'm also not justifying my actions because I know I was 100% wrong. I obviously have regrets and I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't bother me that she's seeing other guys. At the end of the day I am human.

 

The bottom line is that there isn't anything you can do about it. Even IF a judge would sign off on putting something into a custody agreement like "no overnights with men when the kid is there," it is impossible to enforce without putting the child smack dab in the middle of it.

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I don't want my son thinking poorly of my wife. When we were together we had a mutual friend that went thru a divorce and she slept around like nothing we've ever seen before. My wife was the first person to confront her and talk about self-worth.

 

I agree that if I chose to leave my wife for another woman she's free to see or sleep with whoever she wants. My concern is that she's sneaking guys into the house while she thinks our son is sleeping and he keeps finding out. Maybe she's not putting him in danger per say but in a position where he will think very differently of her.

 

I will say that my wife was very conservative and prior to us getting together only slept with 4 or 5 guys by age 25. This was prob. why she wasn't so open to sex.

 

I'm also not justifying my actions because I know I was 100% wrong. I obviously have regrets and I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't bother me that she's seeing other guys. At the end of the day I am human.

 

Your STBXW's relationship with your son is between her and your son. Don't try to interfere just as you wouldn't want her interfering in your relationship with him.

 

That said, if you have reason to believe a particular guest of your wife's is dangerous to your son, then you have the right to get involved.

 

The bottom line is that there isn't anything you can do about it. Even IF a judge would sign off on putting something into a custody agreement like "no overnights with men when the kid is there," it is impossible to enforce without putting the child smack dab in the middle of it.

 

It doesn't sound like these men are staying the night, anyways, so adding that clause wouldn't stop her from entertaining guests in the evening.

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Maybe your son will feel proud of his mom for bouncing back and finding herself and taking care of her needs after dad made her feel unloved and cast her aside. Id be more worried about how he thinks of you.

 

Since my divorce my boys (8 and 14) have been horrified by being forced to spend time with the other woman. She's never spent the night. But they've been sweet and curious about the few guys they've met who I've dated. And they know Ive dated a lot and we talk about it. They seem to be genuinely pleased that ex leaving me didnt destroy me. And my older one has said hes happy Im not lonely.

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She took out a restraining order on me......\\\\

Now, she says she got it not because she ever felt in danger or threatened but that she felt upset.

 

I don't think you have anything you can do about your wife's lovers. But you can start collecting evidence for example, record her, or save mails or texts when she's admitting she took out a false restraining order. These evidence might be a tool for you to get things in the future, if and when things will turn worse.

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You are contradicting yourself here....first you say this...

 

I really don't give a crap who she's sleeping with

 

Then you say.....

I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't bother me that she's seeing other guys

 

I think you you'd much prefer she sits there lonely.... wanting you back. She's done with the begging and pleading... she's moving on and you don't like it.

 

Now you have to deal with the fact that even if you reconcile ... she'll have slept with more men...gained more sexual variety...and that may even affect her desire to ever want you back anyway.

 

A new lover pulls out the stops and gives their best usually.

 

If your son mentions other men...ask him nicely to talk to mommy about it ... and she can answer any questions he has.

Edited by sandylee1
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W2D, you know just as well as anyone else that this is not about your son.

It's about your lack of control over your ex wife and your grief over losing your marriage.

You made some decisions so now it's time to man up and deal with the consequences.

Since you have moved on, your wife has the right to do the same and find someone whom she is more compatible with.

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I don't want my son thinking poorly of my wife.

 

I agree that if I chose to leave my wife for another woman she's free to see or sleep with whoever she wants. My concern is that she's sneaking guys into the house while she thinks our son is sleeping and he keeps finding out. Maybe she's not putting him in danger per say but in a position where he will think very differently of her.

.

 

Did you also worry about how your son thought of you while cheating on his mother with the OW?

 

I think a lot of your feelings about this is more rooted in jealousy. Yes your wife is using sex to get over whatever she had with you. Maybe you should offer to keep your son every weekend so she can be free.

 

Why did she file a restraining order on you?

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He explains it all in another thread it is mostly buyer's remorse.

 

He dumped his wife for the newer model and is now not sure if he did the right thing....

 

This is not really about "other random guys" and his son, it is about one other guy, that his abandoned wife has been seeing for a short time and how he cannot bear her potentially being with someone else...

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Except that seems to be what this is about. If the nine year old is noticing a string of various men coming and going then it might put him at danger. If he'd had a parade of woman marching in and out it'd be the same.

 

We don't know that this is the case. The OP is upset that his wife is moving on without him. I believe he had a thread saying as much. He was supposed to be able to happily move on to a life with his mistress while his wife was supposed to spend her life as a lonely spinster, pining for her husband and punishing herself for making her husband cheat and leave.

 

Just because the OP says she has random guys over doesn't mean anything. Obviously the guys aren't random to her. How do we even know if there is more than one? How do we know what she is doing with them? Just because she allows a man to visit it doesn't mean she is bedding him. She is spending all of her son's awake hours focussed on him. She is not making her son share his time with another man. She is not forcing her son to be friends or have any sort of relationship with another man before he is ready. Id be interested to know if the OP is showing his son the same consideration. Does he exclude his gf from over nighters and daytime visits when he's spending time with his son?

 

OP if you think this will make your son think poorly of his mother than I would worry about how he will judge you.

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