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Pressure and Under Pressure

Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 8th November 2017, 10:20 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by GorillaTheater View Post
Beware, because this kind of dynamic can become a death spiral: she feels pressured (rightly or wrongly, it ultimately doesn't matter much), you get insecure and a bit needy, and she feels even more pressured and less attracted, making you feel even worse, and on down into the Pit.

I've been married for nearly 33 years. Sometimes I think I've gotten more wrong than I have right, but one thing I've learned, and I'm pretty sure is generally if not quite universally true, is that the more your focus is on getting laid, the less likely you'll get lucky.

Instead of working on getting sex, work on improving you. It doesn't matter how much you rock, there's always room for improvement. Fitness, finances, learning something new, becoming emotionally steady, whatever it may be for you. Don't hide your sexual desire, just don't dwell on it. For example: go in for a long kiss, smile, and walk away to do something else.

Your wife will either respond or she won't. Even if she does, it may take a while. Oftentimes trust = lust, and if she's doesn't trust you (not to say she thinks you're fooling around, I'm talking about trust in a much broader framework), it's going to take a while to build that trust. If she doesn't respond, you've learned something painful but useful. You two may never be sexually compatible, there may NOT be a solution. But if you're working on you, you'll understand that while perhaps painful, you have options to deal with a marriage that doesn't work for you.

ETA: I could probably sum up the above with this: be (or become) the prize, either for your wife or a future woman if she declines.

Good stuff. Well said!
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Old 8th November 2017, 11:58 PM   #17
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One thing is for certain - you can't nice her back into having sex with you.

She doesn't respect you - if she did - she would be doing everything in her power to please you and make sure you're happy.

She self absorbed and selfish to the point where she thinks "way too much" about herself and the way she feels.

Remind her marriage is about thinking of your spouse.

Tell if she intends to continue thinking only of herself then your plan is to make her single again.

She also thinks that all that chatter and "talk" you two do is enough...or should be enough for you. Tell her "less talk and more action". You're not a girlfriend - you're her husband!
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