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NO remorse for [wife's past] cheating


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Old 4th February 2018, 1:54 AM   #46
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If the OP is still reading this thread, then as one 73 year old to another, I would say forgive her and don't divorce her. As far as you know she has been a good wife during the marriage. You knew she was a sleep-around girl when you were dating her so don't expect perfection. You have committed one serious sin. You knew she wanted to get married, and you wanted to continue the relationship without getting married. You dithered and did not act. While she had been pushing for marriage, she gave up and officially ended the relationship and had sex with someone else and then you proposed.

Every girl, from the age of three up, wants to get married, unless life experiences convince her otherwise. If you are dating a girl for a year or more, and she lets you know that she wants marriage, you have had enough time to decide if you want a lifetime commitment. So propose marriage or cut her free to seek marriage with someone else. You played Hamlet and like Hamlet you were killed in the last act of bachelor hood.

She was not the ideal girlfriend and you were not the ideal boyfriend, but that was how many years ago. Forgive her and put the incident when you proposed behind you. Enjoy the remaining years of you life together. It is unlikely that you will find happiness alone in your seventies.
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Old 4th February 2018, 8:43 AM   #47
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Could not disagree more with the above poster.

It is unlikely he will ever be happy with this woman in his life.

He will only be happy when he is once free from her.
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Old 4th February 2018, 9:31 AM   #48
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Guildford View Post
If the OP is still reading this thread, then as one 73 year old to another, I would say forgive her and don't divorce her. As far as you know she has been a good wife during the marriage. You knew she was a sleep-around girl when you were dating her so don't expect perfection. You have committed one serious sin. You knew she wanted to get married, and you wanted to continue the relationship without getting married. You dithered and did not act. While she had been pushing for marriage, she gave up and officially ended the relationship and had sex with someone else and then you proposed.

Every girl, from the age of three up, wants to get married, unless life experiences convince her otherwise. If you are dating a girl for a year or more, and she lets you know that she wants marriage, you have had enough time to decide if you want a lifetime commitment. So propose marriage or cut her free to seek marriage with someone else. You played Hamlet and like Hamlet you were killed in the last act of bachelor hood.

She was not the ideal girlfriend and you were not the ideal boyfriend, but that was how many years ago. Forgive her and put the incident when you proposed behind you. Enjoy the remaining years of you life together. It is unlikely that you will find happiness alone in your seventies.

She did break up with over the phone. She told him she was
going on a date the next night with the man she just met.
So that cannot be called cheating. Then she gives him sloppy
seconds 2 hours after she did the OM.

Easy to be upset over. Relative easy to get over.

Though she did continue having sex with her OM while engaged
to the OP. That is cheating.

Easy to be upset over. Hard to get over.

Then his WW for 46 years has been telling him that the
sex with the OM was the best ever. He was never near that
level. She just gives him duty sex and has never worked to
help him improve his skill level.

How does a BH come back after that? Super difficult.

Usually the high price of revenge remains long after the
sweet taste from revenge quickly fades from memory.

This is why I say do not divorce her and blow the rest of his
life apart. Just 180 her, in house separation, do his own thing.
Let his WW carry the load of recovery by herself for the
next 40 years.
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Old 4th February 2018, 11:48 AM   #49
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Quote:
Originally Posted by road View Post
Let his WW carry the load of recovery by herself for the
next 40 years.

What??? Until he's 113?
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Old 4th February 2018, 2:35 PM   #50
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Originally Posted by doyathinkso View Post
What??? Until he's 113?
There is taking things to literal.
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Old 5th February 2018, 12:02 AM   #51
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doyathinkso View Post
What??? Until he's 113?
Hilarious! Good to see some humour in a serious thread like this!
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Old 7th February 2018, 2:04 AM   #52
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NO remorse for [wife's past] cheating

The responses to the road my lifeís choice has taken me were interesting and helpful; they made me think reflectively. Also, since Iím now living in a different geographical area Iím seeing a new psychologist. Besides seeing her, it was suggested I get involved with group therapy sessions. My psychologist and I have had a number of sessions, as well as my attending a few therapy group meetings. The people at the group sessions are quite blunt and some comments have been very derogatory.
A few individuals have suggested that my wifeís extensive sexual past and sexual indulgencies were emotionally stimulating for me. That my wife brought a divergent life style to me that I found exciting and sexually stimulating. Once exposed to her sexual pleasures, I couldnít let go or abandon the thrills I was having with her. That, even though I might have found some of the things she did distasteful and humiliating to me, there was a thrill I couldnít let go of. She once gave oral gratification to a guy in front of me. The bazaar reason isnít important. But I dared her to do it. Since I already had accidentally seen her having sex with another man in her apartment, this was nothing. The more I dared and teased her, the more exciting this game we were playing with each other became to me; I did not believe she would do it, but she did. She did it with a lot of fanfare and bravado, seeming to enjoy every moment; letting me know she was in charge. I didnít goat her into doing anything again.
When my wife and I were together in our early days of dating, I experienced things I would never have imagined myself doing, with her or anyone else. It was as if I went over to that proverbial ďDark SideĒ of life. The group talk led me to confess that my first sexual encounter with her thrilled me and I thought of her as an easy lay; we were intimate within hours of our first date. I didnít have any real emotional investment with her at that time, she was a woman who put out and I liked it and the sex was fantastic. Sure I knew her years ago, but time changes a person. A member of the group stated that I had a character flaw. She said, because I enjoyed using my girlfriend (wife) for my pleasure, not hers. As our relationship continued I found an excitement of living vicariously through her past and current sexual experiences. I hated myself for this. It wasnít who I really was, I detested my self and her relationships with others but found it a turn on, it seemed to heighten our intimate relationship my girlfriend (wife) led me to believe. I had no choice then. It would be either accept her as she was, or leave. How could I leave, the sex was unbelievable and quite frequent! Once we became monogamous (or thought we were) I found I was falling in love with her. Eventually I proposed, but as I posted earlier, it was the weekend she had a relationship with a guy she had just met. I didnít find this out until after my first child was born, which was close to nine months after we were married. All the children we eventually had were mine no mater who implanted the seed for fertilization, but I, without question, just assumed they were mine genetically. I have always believed I am their father, nothing will change that. I would never place guilt on them for something their mother might have done. I did not believe in divorce and really believed we could be a solid family, and with counseling I could handle my demons. But events as mentioned in other posts would haunt me perpetually.
Today that love / hate relationship I have with my wife plagues our lives or mine. I will not leave her. No matter where I go or whom Iím with, I take my psychological baggage with me; so why not just stay married. We have built this bazaar life together which fulfills her needs and a few of mine. However, the ultimate question is why I have allowed myself to endure this marriage? We are financially secure and do have a wonderful relationship with our children and grand children. Someone in the group session said, I might have felt guilty for using my wife for my own sexual gratification in the beginning and may be thatís why I didnít rush to marry her.
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Old 7th February 2018, 10:30 AM   #53
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Rog, you married a wild women and you liked the porn
star sex with her. All those things were done with
your knowledge, with you being there.

There was no deceit till after you became engaged.

Your WW let you believe that she did not cheat on you
during your engagement until after you got married and
had a child with her.

Your counselor and your group focus on the dating
part of your relationship and totally ignore the cheating
that your WW did while engaged.

This to me is these people just rug sweeping and blame
shifting every thing onto you. They are wrong. You are
not at fault for your WW cheating on you.

You may of been hesitant to marry her because she had
a wild sex life. Though you made the decision to marry her
because you did not want to give up the porn star sex
with her. You decided that you would not let her pre engagement
sex life make you lose being married to her. You assumed
that she would be faithful. You were not wrong to assume that.
Or want that.

I understand how after finding out that she cheated on you
and had no remorse has shook you so badly that 40 years
later it still has you badly shaken up. Enough to make you
doubt paternity.

I would doubt paternity if what happened to you happened
to me. You need to remove all doubt of paternity. Time for
you to get a paternity test done.

I am glad you have updated us. Keep us informed.
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Old 12th February 2018, 4:14 AM   #54
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No remorse for (wife's past) cheating

Forgive me for rehashing some of what I have already posted, this is a difficult time for me; ARMIGEDEN DAY is here. Years ago while on a business trip my wife, then girlfriend accepted a date on Feb. 11th with a guy she just met at a gas station. They would spend the next few days together, with their bodies entangled together sexually. While I was away I would phone her daily to talk. When I phoned her on the 11th she told me about the date. I told her I didnít want her doing this to us, we argued and she hung up. Believing this was her way to get me to make a decision I had been avoiding about our future, I decided to ask her to marry me on Valentines Day. Since I was out of town I phoned her early in the morning on the 14th to ask her. When she answered I told her I wanted to ask her a special question that would change our lives. She said she couldnít talk at the moment and I should call her later in the day and she hung up. I found out later why she couldnít talk. She and her lover were busy in bed.
I rushed home, arriving late in the afternoon that Valentines Day so I could propos to her. She accepted. Her acceptance occurred just a few hours after she and her lover had showered together and had been intimate.
After we put the engagement ring on her finger, we fell onto the bed to celebrate our love and engagement. That romantic moment of what we did to celebrate our engagement is etched into my memory as well as all the details of what they did together that weekend. It was this sole act of her betrayal that has haunted me all these years. Learning years later, well into our marriage the truth of her lengthy infidelity. That during the months of our engagement she continued fornicating with him quite frequently.
It wasnít till after the birth of our 1st child that my wife confessed to me all the specific graphic details of what they did that Valentine weekend. After learning of her infidelity I stopped celebrating Valentines Day because of her betrayal. How could I celebrate our love and engagement on what was to have been our special day.
When she accepted my marriage proposal we made love to celebrate our engagement. To this day I share this alleged historic day for us with that guy and the memories my wife has of them together.
I once read: ďÖan aroused penis is the literal embodiment of masculinity and sexual desire. So feeling the most sensitive and personal parts of your bodies coming together as one, to give each other great pleasure, can be one of the most physically and emotionally satisfying experiences imaginable.Ē I donít remember where I copied this from, but Iíve kept it to remind me of what she did to us. I was, and am utterly devastated even until today that she gave and received that ďphysically and emotionally satisfying experiences imaginableĒ from a stranger and not me on that day I proposed marriage to her.
After about two years of a monogamous relationship how could she have just shared her body with this man? She has never been apologetic about her actions then. Realizing that during our engagement I might have been intimate with my wife after she and her paramour had been together was a difficult thing for me to accept. So how can I conceivably celebrate Valentines Day with her? Itís an impossible thing for me to do, to celebrate that day of love when her love wasnít directed at me, but towards another man.
Since learning all those details well after we were married and after just having had our 1st baby I had a decision to make. I decided to stay married and try and work out this emotional trauma between us. All it did was to make me realize I loved and hated her at the same time. My children always came first. I didnít want them growing up in a split family, so I stayed married to her. By the time my children had grown up and moved out, my wife and I had developed a relationship that seemed to work on some level since we had swept that infidelity under the carpet. But I always resented her for the infidelity and suppressed those feelings. Now, at my age itís too late to make changes. I just want to live out what ever time I have left with out this emotional horror invading my every thought. I know it can be done, but I havenít found that road yet.
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Old 12th February 2018, 6:28 AM   #55
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Man your giving that old flame a lot of your mental space constantly talking about him. I would give it a second more of my thought...he already has had enough. Move on.
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Old 12th February 2018, 9:31 AM   #56
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Standtall, you had said in another post: "It depends on who is cheating and how define cheating. If it is sex, I would say men have a much harder time reconciling if their spouse cheats." You were right, as a man I have had a hard time letting go of my wife's past sexual relationship. I can say, it would have definitely been easier if she had just kept her past to herself and never revealed any details of what she and her lover did to each other. Ignorance is bliss! But she didn't, and unfortunately she divulged every detail, leaving no detail out. She had said she wanted to be honest with me. I loved her and strangely I still do. So I have lived with her and had a couple of children with her. But underneath this veneer of our relationship lies the pain of mentally seeing her performing sex acts with him. With the passing of the years, there have been brief times when what she described to me means nothing; it's as if it was just a historical incident that happened to someone else. Unfortunately they are few.
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Old 12th February 2018, 12:23 PM   #57
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Rog, many men have waited for the truth and never got it
from their WW. Waiting decades.

You got it. Now why did your WW tell you?

I would tell WW that she lost the right to not talk about her
cheating when she made you aware of what you were oblivious
too. There is no way that a WS can expect their BS not to have
questions, not to want to get answers, and not talk about the
affair till the BS is worn out from talking about the affair.

You need to make the WW clear on this. Tell her that the both
of you need MC. WW balks at going you tell her she made this
mess she has to be involved in the clean up. That her sweeping
the affair under a rug is not doing a proper clean up.

If WW refuses to do so, and you do not want a divorce based
on your age I can agree with that. What can you do?
A in house informal, separation. Withdraw and do you own thing.

You need some action to take. Push for MC for the both of you and
make plans to use if that does not happen or MC does not resolve
things.

What will happen is eventually you will just sit in silence and stay
married for you feel that you would be worse off if you got divorced.
Or you will not fear what can happen when you force your WW to
carry her share of the burden.

Only you can see your hold cards. Only you can make the decision
to bluff, stand, or fold.

I have been wanting the truth from my wife for 38 years.
Looks like I will never get it because I am not ready to drive off
down the road. I tell you this because you are not the only one
that is in a similar position. For it is easier to talk about then do.
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Old 14th February 2018, 2:04 AM   #58
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Road, you asked why my wife told me every detail of what she and her lover experienced together of their sexual encounters. I donít know. She said she wanted honesty and didnít want what she did on her conscience. But spilling her guts with graphic details to me did nothing to make me feel better. It only implanted emotionally filled mental pictures of their actions together in my brain. When you said, ďshe made you aware of what you were oblivious too. There is no way that a WS can expect their BS not to have questions, not to want to get answers, and not talk about the affair till the BS is worn out from talking about the affairĒ, your absolutely correct. When someone you love and whom supposedly loves you back, degrades you in the process of freeing them selves of guilt, there must be an unconscious reason for those actions. As Iíve questioned her about the infidelity she spoke about it without guilt. That the other man was someone she could not resist. As Iíve said earlier, she spoke of his masculine body and how he used it as an instrument that fulfilled her every desire and pleasure. Then, comparing me to him, made me seem just adequate.
I know in her own way she loves or at least likes me. It could also be she tolerates me, or why would she stay married when divorce is a way out. Divorce for me is not an option. With all the counseling Iíve gone through Iím a confident person who happens to be married to a women he loves and hates at the same time. I have found that talking about or writing about my mental trauma helps me to cope. My wife says she doesnít want to discuss her past at all; itís the past and we should leave it there. I canít, I need to vent in order for me to cope. She says Iím beating a dead horse. Sheís right. The more I beat this horse; I feel better and can relegate her past sexual activities to the morgue. They generally stay there until something triggers a release of those ancient ghosts. It is reassuring to learn as you, Road, have said, ďÖyou are not the only one that is in a similar position.Ē Knowing that Iím not alone, and reading of the challenges others are or have faced, helps. I do wish that others would have described how they survived, and found ways to deal with a loved ones indiscretion.
I have appreciated all comments and they have been helpful. However when it is suggested that I have given my wifeís past lover a lot of so called ďair timeĒ at this site, it is true. It was my wife (girlfriend) who engaged in a physical relationship with a man she has referred to as magnificent. Yes, they are both responsible for their actions. But the idea of another man utilizing her for his pleasure, touching her with various parts of his body, depositing his seed in my woman (ya, Iím not politically correct here) is not easily forgiven or forgotten. Histories have been written of men destroying nations because of a woman. Forgive me for stretching my point here, but emotional love, you canít turn your back on easily. Some people might be able to just walk away, others hold on. I chose to hold on and have a life with the woman I love. Have I looked at her with Rose Colored Glasses probably? Have I rambled over these few pages, YES? My counselor was right sending me here, it has been helpful.
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Old 14th February 2018, 3:25 AM   #59
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Let me understand something... You say that your wife was very honest with you, maybe too honest. But she wasn't honest with you in that particular time when you proposed... More to that, her dishonesty wasn't a misunderstanding, but a clear blunt manipulation and interest to achieve her goal - a marriage proposal.

And the worst - All these years, including now, your wife refuses to appologize, or to admit her responsibility. I disagree with all those who think that the problem is the past. You have a continues present problem.

I think that if your wife would have admitted her cheating, you would have the strength and ability to forgive and mainly the ability to let it go. The only reason you are stuck in this hell, is because she is still refusing to admit her responsibility, today.

I will be clearer - Your wife can make you happy, she has the power to cure your wounded heart. For that she must only admit her cheating. But your wife is stubbornly refusing to do so. She can remove your misery today, and she knows it, but she wouldn't.

All of this casts doubt on her love to you. She thinks you should "let it go". But she refuses to let it go herself, because she's insisting remaining pure in her eyes. If she takes the blame on herself, she might feel guilty, and she knows guilt is a lousy feeling, that can't be swept under the rug with the phrase "you should let the guilt go"

So it's a direct conflict. Who is going to carry the misery. You or her. She stubbornly chooses you to be the miserable. Although your misery is greater than hers, If she admits her cheating. Guilt is much easier than what you feel.

I admire your consent to be the one who bares the misery in your marriage. I know I wouldn't. I'm not such a noble man. If it was me, I would demand my wife to admit her responsibility for ruin the purity of my life with a lie and deception. If she wouldn't, I would have gone. Because for me it was a proof that she doesn't love me TODAY.

Last edited by lolablue17; 14th February 2018 at 3:29 AM..
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Old 14th February 2018, 3:46 AM   #60
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Instead of beating that dead horse - it's more useful to realize the horse is dead - and walk away knowing you're facing reality instead of living in denial.

Of course this has nothing to do with any horse... your wife purposely ruined your relationship - realize that. Divorce should always be an option. The fact that you won't divorce her is exactly why she will always disrespect you.
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