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My wife is jealous of my friend


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Hello everybody :bunny:, I'm new here and looking for some desperate advice. I've being married to my wife, Cassy, for more than nine years, we have an 8 year old little girl and a 6 year old little guy, they are my whole world. Until now my wife and I have had a solid marriage, we fight sometimes about the usual but nothing really serious until now. Everything started a couple of months ago when I helped a friend of her to start working at my firm. This friend of hers had just gotten a divorce and got fired almost around the same time and she was feeling so depressed that my wife asked me to help her get a new job since she has the same profession as I do (we're both architects), she was thrilled when I got Linda (her friend) the job. This Linda girl has being my wife's friend for about 4 years, they met in a drawing class they took together back then and became sort of close. To be honest I never really liked Linda, I thought she was way too perky and loud so I sort of avoided hanging out with her when possible, but it was imposible to do that when I became the only person she knew at the office, so we started to spend a high amount of time together at work. I discovered that I had totally misjudged her, she is smart, funny and we share a lot of things in common, soon enough we became close friends. When I told my wife about it she seemed happy, so we started to invite Linda home a lot. After a while my wife started to act all weird around Linda and me, she started to make mean jokes and get angry for no reason. I asked her a bunch of times what was going on but she would say everything was fine. One day we had Linda for supper and I offered to take her home afterwards, I asked Cassy to go with us but she didn't want to, she had seemed mad at me for no reason all day. When I got back, Cassy wouldn't even speak to me or look at me in the eyes, after we put the kids to bed I decided to confront her about her attitude, she broke down in tears and confessed she had feeling crazy jealous about my relationship with Linda, she said I talked about Linda all day and that Linda and I had all this inside jokes that made her feel excluded and uncomfortable. I was utterly surprise at this, it hadn't even crossed my mind that she was feeling like this toward a friend of hers, I tried to be comprehensive and sportive, I told her how ridiculous her suspicious were and how imposible it was for someone else to take her place in my life, she seemed relieved after I'd calmed her down, and I thought the whole thing was over. After that, I continued to get along with Linda in and out of the office, I really liked her, she became one of my best friends and someone I could really talk to, we started talking a lot on the phone via text messages and we got very close. One day I woke up to find Cassy on the verge of tears again, she wouldn't say why she was acting like that at first but I pushed her into telling me the truth, she confessed that she had being snooping on my cellphone while I slept and that she had read all the conversations I'd shared with Linda and they had made her feel like crap because there were so many of them. I'm not gonna lie, I got angry at this reaction, I thought we had complete settle the jealous thing before, I also got mad about her snooping, I never thought she would act that way, so insecure that she felt the need of violating my privacy. I told her that I had it with her stupid jealousy, she was acting like a lunatic and she was making me feel all guilty about nothing really. She started crying and begged me to stop texting Linda, she said she didn't want me to feel guilty and that she hadn't stopped trusting me but she couldn't help feeling the way she felt about our friendship, I thought her asking me to give up on my friendship was a selfish and petty thing to do, but I promised her I would try to cool it with Linda if it would make her stop acting like a mad person. After this I felt really uncomfortable about the whole situation, talking with Linda suddenly made me really guilty for no reason since I've never felt romantically attracted to her. She would still text me or ask me to hang out after this, but I tried to shut her out subtly.

 

One day, after I declined an offer to play tennis with her for the tenth time she asked me if I was angry at her for some reason, I was mortified by this statement, it was pretty clear that she felt hurt by my attitude, I felt really bad about this, specially when I knew she was going through a lot of bad things in her life, I acted as if nothing was ever wrong and accepted to play tennis with her after work. At first I thought about telling Cassy the whole truth, but then I realized she would probably get all jealous and crazy again so instead I told her I would be having a drink with my coworkers after work and would probably show up late, I felt bad about lying to her, I still do, specially when I have lied to her a lot more after that since I started to talk to Linda in a regular basis again. I began to hide my text messages and to never mention Linda in my conversations with Cassy, in a way I feel like I'm cheating on her, which is obviously ridiculous, since Linda and I are just friends and I wouldn't even dream on starting anything more with her. I also feel like Cassy was the one that pushed me into this senseless situation with her unfounded jealousy, which makes me a little resentful towards her.

 

Lately, Cassy's jealousy is over the top, she is paranoid of where I am and who I am with all the time, which is making me exhausted since I usually find myself lying because I'm still close friends with Linda and hang out with her often, that is obviously making me feel guilty as hell and is getting me into a lot of arguing with Cassy, since sometimes some lies do slip and drove her nuts.

 

I write all of this hoping to find some answers about my wife's actions. I just can't understand where all of this jealousy and insecurity are coming from, she has never acted like this before and is seriously beginning to make me grow tired. I don't think I'm the one with the problem, I tried to be honest to Cassy about my friendship with Linda at first, but her crazy attitude ruined that and drove me to all this stupid hiding. I truly love my wife and would never do anything to hurt her, cheating specially, but at the same time I enjoy Linda's company and don't see any reason to stop hanging out with her, how can I make my wife understand this? how can I make her see that men and women can truly be just friends?

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You may not be physically having sex with this person, but you are cheating on your wife emotionally. AND you are disregarding your wife's feelings about this. AND you are now lying to her. The bottom line is that your wife never anticipated that you would click so well with HER friend. And it's made her uncomfortable in a way she didn't think it would initially. And she's tried to communicate that with you, and your response was to hide it from her and get angry with her for her feelings.

 

Not cool dude. You are being a bad husband. And you are blurring the lines between friendship and an emotional affair.

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You may not be physically having sex with this person, but you are cheating on your wife emotionally. AND you are disregarding your wife's feelings about this. AND you are now lying to her. The bottom line is that your wife never anticipated that you would click so well with HER friend. And it's made her uncomfortable in a way she didn't think it would initially. And she's tried to communicate that with you, and your response was to hide it from her and get angry with her for her feelings.

 

Not cool dude. You are being a bad husband. And you are blurring the lines between friendship and an emotional affair.

 

Why do you think that? In what way am I cheating on her? I don't feel anything romantic towards my friend, I don't even find her attractive, my wife's ten times more attractive than her, I don't flirt with her, I don't talk to her about things that could be considered suspicious, we really only maintain a healthy friendship, I like her as a friend, just as I like my male friends, am I not allowed to have friends because I'm married?

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You may not be physically having sex with this person, but you are cheating on your wife emotionally. AND you are disregarding your wife's feelings about this. AND you are now lying to her. The bottom line is that your wife never anticipated that you would click so well with HER friend. And it's made her uncomfortable in a way she didn't think it would initially. And she's tried to communicate that with you, and your response was to hide it from her and get angry with her for her feelings.

 

Not cool dude. You are being a bad husband. And you are blurring the lines between friendship and an emotional affair.

 

 

Why is this an emotional affair? We only talk about things we have in common, I think of her the same way I think of my guy friends, I don't understand what is so wrong about that. I'm hiding things because my wife has pushed me into doing that, I don't think is fair to stop seeing the friend I like just because she is paranoid for no reason about her, shouldn't she be the one that needs to change her attitude?

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Why do you think that? In what way am I cheating on her? I don't feel anything romantic towards my friend, I don't even find her attractive, my wife's ten times more attractive than her, I don't flirt with her, I don't talk to her about things that could be considered suspicious, we really only maintain a healthy friendship, I like her as a friend, just as I like my male friends, am I not allowed to have friends because I'm married?

 

Place yourself in your wife's shoes.

 

She isn't crazy, she is watching you share and have a close relationship with another, one that she likely wishes she shared with you.

 

Boundaries, you are slow stomping out boundaries, hiding contact, sneaking around..so explain to us how it different from an affair? Not all affairs are sexual. By definition, you are having an emotional affair.

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Why is this an emotional affair? We only talk about things we have in common, I think of her the same way I think of my guy friends, I don't understand what is so wrong about that. I'm hiding things because my wife has pushed me into doing that, I don't think is fair to stop seeing the friend I like just because she is paranoid for no reason about her, shouldn't she be the one that needs to change her attitude?

 

Not like guy friends... I grew up with a couple guys that my wife hated me hanging out with, I still did from time to time, but I never lied, secretly communicated with them.

 

Emotional affairs consist of elements you have here, the fact that you would rather hide this relationship then end suggests alot. As well as show you lack empathy for your wife's position.

 

Why are you hiding it?

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Your wife feels like she has been replaced. Even if you didn't mean to & you are not having an emotional affair with Linda, from your wife's perspective it feels like you are.

 

Dial back or possibly eliminate your out of the office interactions with Linda. Avoid mentioning Linda's name around your wife. You can continue to chat with Linda at work about appropriate subjects but you have to put your wife first.

 

Amp up the romance & attention you show your wife.

 

If you don't start bending over backwards to make Casey feel like the most special woman in the world, you will lose her.

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Hi Red_Fangs,

 

Looking at things from your wife's perspective ... she probably saw from the beginning you and Linda just being work colleagues as opposed to "close friends" - and the jealousy is naturally going to kick in.

 

And working with Linda ... and Linda going round your house a lot ... and you offering to take Linda home afterwards is probably just all too much for your wife ... I really think it would be for a LOT of women.

 

I am pretty sure your wife didn't predict you and Linda becoming best friends either.

 

You say you and Linda started talking a lot over the phone in text messages .... yep, I can see that really upsetting your wife ... as I previously stated, at the end of the day your wife saw the two of you as just being work colleagues.

 

Although snooping on partners phones is never a good idea ... in this case I CAN see why she did it ... she was feeling totally insecure over your friendship with Linda and it was eating her away and this drove her to look at your phone - I do kinda get this tbh.

 

It really is not a good idea to start telling your wife lies in order to cover up meetings with Linda ... it is only a matter of time before your wife finds out one of these lies - and when she does, why would she ever not believe you and Linda were having some kind of an affair?

 

Does Linda know you lie to your wife to cover up for spending time with her?

 

I think the only way forward is to keep Linda as a work colleague ... stop all the texting with her - it is unnecessary, you see her at work all the time!

 

And don't mention Linda's name when you get home from work ... only talk about her if your wife strikes up a conversation about her. Just concentrate on some close bonding time with your wife.

 

I do feel sorry for your wife as setting her friend up in a new job with you has kind of backfired for your her.

 

She is feeling very insecure and, yes, jealous - but I can totally see why!

 

Good luck!

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somanymistakes
Why do you think that? In what way am I cheating on her? I don't feel anything romantic towards my friend, I don't even find her attractive, my wife's ten times more attractive than her, I don't flirt with her, I don't talk to her about things that could be considered suspicious, we really only maintain a healthy friendship, I like her as a friend, just as I like my male friends, am I not allowed to have friends because I'm married?

 

Unfortunately some people really DO think you aren't allowed to have any friends other than your spouse.

 

If your spouse thinks that way, then you have a big problem in front of you. Your wife is not likely to suddenly change her mind and decide that it's okay for you to have female friends, any more than the people on this forum who think it's totally wrong are likely to change their minds. You can't convince them on this.

 

So: don't try to argue that point, it's useless. That leaves you with a few choices.

 

Option 1: Choose your wife over your friend, right or wrong. It is possible for you to feel that this is wrong and still choose it because you love your wife and you value your relationship with her more than you do your friendship.

 

Option 2: Choose your friendship and your freedom over your wife. If you feel that your wife is being too controlling and it's wrong, you CAN decide that this marriage isn't working out for you and this isn't how you want to live, and tell her that openly, and work towards ending it.

 

Option 3: Ease up on your friendship with Linda, and hope that your wife calms down if your friendship is a little less intense. Because seriously, even for someone who believes people can be friends? It sounds like you're overdoing it and REALLY risking one or both of you falling in love. If she's a friend like your guy friends, try to make sure that you are not spending more time with her than you are with your guy friends! If your friendship with her is way more involved than your other buddies, this should be a sign that something's not quite right here.

 

Option 4: Be open and honest with your wife about how you feel, and that you are really confused about the whole situation, and go to counselling with her so that you can get an outside opinion on the situation from someone who can get more details about it than we can.

 

 

What you absolutely SHOULD NOT do is keep lying to your wife while hanging out with your friend. That drives a wedge between you and your spouse which will slowly poison your relationship.

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Option 3: Ease up on your friendship with Linda, and hope that your wife calms down if your friendship is a little less intense. Because seriously, even for someone who believes people can be friends? It sounds like you're overdoing it and REALLY risking one or both of you falling in love. If she's a friend like your guy friends, try to make sure that you are not spending more time with her than you are with your guy friends! If your friendship with her is way more involved than your other buddies, this should be a sign that something's not quite right here.

 

I very much agree with this.

 

It really sounds like you're hanging out with Linda far more than you would with regular mates. Hence your wife's discomfort. Dial it back substantially.

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If the shoe was on the other foot and your wife was spending all her time with some guy friend of yours, texting him all the time. making inside jokes with him, working with him, playing tennis with him, taking him round to your house and driving him home late at night, lying to you...

How would you feel?

I guess you would be snooping and telling her to knock it off and kick him to the curb too...

 

You are far too emotionally invested in this woman and your post reads like one justification after another for your inappropriate behaviour.

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surely you can be more loving to your wife than to call her ridiculous and crazy



 

 

 

stop acting like you are doing nothing wrong, well, that is just how I see it, your use of harsh words is crappy

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You really have no boundaries, do you? First, it's quite unprofessional of you to engage in so much personal texting and frequent personal activities with a work colleague. Second, what you've been doing is extremely disrespectful to your wife.

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Why is this an emotional affair? We only talk about things we have in common, I think of her the same way I think of my guy friends, I don't understand what is so wrong about that. I'm hiding things because my wife has pushed me into doing that, I don't think is fair to stop seeing the friend I like just because she is paranoid for no reason about her, shouldn't she be the one that needs to change her attitude?

 

LEt me get this straight. You're pursuing a "friendship" with another woman even though your wife told you she was uncomfortable with it. [As most married people WOULD be of their spouse pursuing a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex, and rightfully so.] Your solution to your wife's discomfort is to sneak around with your new friend. And you think your wife is the one with the problem? :confused:

 

What the hell is wrong with you.

Edited by Imajerk17
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Yep - imagine the exact scenerio, but one of your buddies really likes your wife, and your wife thinks this other man is funny, smart, and wants to text and share with him all the time.... To the point she sneaks out and lies about her whereabouts so that she can spend time alone with your single friend.

 

You would really be okay with that? No feelings of uneasiness?

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Heh heh.:rolleyes: And I bet you thought we would all be on your side in this. That you called it right when you said that your wife was crazy for thinking you and her friend had a thaannng going on... All I can say is that you are now at a crossroads. Continue with your justifications and you are going to loose your wife and family. IF you think your wife is crazy now, just wait to see how fast she will turn into a demon from hell when she has crossed the point of no return and she decides to do to you what you are doing to her. The speed and ferocity of the transformation will truly amaze you. So, keep belittling your wife. You might as well go now and kiss your children good by and move in with Linda.

 

Also, when your wife decides to friend a man, it WILL be sexual as that is the only way she can guarantee he will stay friends with her, so your being platonic with Linda is of no consequence, and you may find yourself raising someone else's kid...

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Your relationship with your wife's friend is totally inappropriate and over the line. You say Linda is just like one of your guy friends to you but I have my doubts about that. Do you have any guy friends that you spend all day texting and talking to, that you share so much of your free time with, that you bring home with you on a regular basis, that you are so eager to share your conversation and time with? I'd say probably not.

 

And then you try to justify yourself by badmouthing your wife and making her sound like some kind of paranoid lunatic who won't let you have any friends when you know damn well that isn't the least bit true. Your wife was happy when you initially helped Linda and she was genuinely pleased when you and Linda became friends. You know this. Then your wife's intuition kicked in and she realized that you were exceeding the boundaries of platonic opposite sex friendship between a married man and a single woman. Instead of trying to be objective and understanding of your wife's feelings, you twist things and try to make your wife feel crazy.

 

And what is with Linda anyways? Why does she think it's appropriate to spend so much time with her "friend's" spouse? Where is her respect for your wife. I'm sure she needed some extra support during her divorce but now it's time for her to get on with her life. She needs to stop relying on you for emotional support and company and she needs to have a some respect for your wife. I am a single woman with married female friends and I like some of their spouses very much as acquaintances, but I'm not about to become "best friends" with any of my friends husbands no matter how much I may have in common with the spouse. That isn't cool and it would be disrespectful of my female friend.

 

I know you were sure everyone would be on your side but you are clearly crossing the line here. When it comes to your opposite sex friendships your wife gets to decide what amount of contact is okay with her and what isn't. If the shoe were on the other foot and your wife was best friends with one of your male friends then you would be the one to set the limits. That's just the way it goes. If an opposite sex friendship is causing discomfort or pain to the spouse then the spouses feelings take priority. Even couples who swing or who have open marriages usually get veto power if they become uncomfortable with someone their spouse is involved with. The marriage is the valuable primary relationship and must be prioritized over opposite sex friends.

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Hi Red, I have only one more tid bit to add to what everyone else has had to say. " Hell hath no fury compared to that of a woman scorned". You have been scorning your wife and belittling her emotions and her pleas to you to shut down your friendship with Linda. As others have said if the shoe was on the other foot how do you think you would respond? If you think this is immaterial encourage your wife to become friendly with one of your buddies and tell her she is free to talk, text and spend time with him. When she is going full steam then sit back and assess your own reactions. If they are placid then you are quits with your wife and can continue guiltless with your friend Linda. However, if the the ugly head of jealousy raises it's head then you know exactly how your wife feels. Think about it. Warm regards.

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This is a great post. I agree that it's also really quite insensitive of Linda to engage in such a close friendship with her friend's husband, especially a friend who helped her get a job. Why did she have to play tennis with the OP, instead of doing something with the OP's wife?

 

Your relationship with your wife's friend is totally inappropriate and over the line. You say Linda is just like one of your guy friends to you but I have my doubts about that. Do you have any guy friends that you spend all day texting and talking to, that you share so much of your free time with, that you bring home with you on a regular basis, that you are so eager to share your conversation and time with? I'd say probably not.

 

And then you try to justify yourself by badmouthing your wife and making her sound like some kind of paranoid lunatic who won't let you have any friends when you know damn well that isn't the least bit true. Your wife was happy when you initially helped Linda and she was genuinely pleased when you and Linda became friends. You know this. Then your wife's intuition kicked in and she realized that you were exceeding the boundaries of platonic opposite sex friendship between a married man and a single woman. Instead of trying to be objective and understanding of your wife's feelings, you twist things and try to make your wife feel crazy.

 

And what is with Linda anyways? Why does she think it's appropriate to spend so much time with her "friend's" spouse? Where is her respect for your wife. I'm sure she needed some extra support during her divorce but now it's time for her to get on with her life. She needs to stop relying on you for emotional support and company and she needs to have a some respect for your wife. I am a single woman with married female friends and I like some of their spouses very much as acquaintances, but I'm not about to become "best friends" with any of my friends husbands no matter how much I may have in common with the spouse. That isn't cool and it would be disrespectful of my female friend.

 

I know you were sure everyone would be on your side but you are clearly crossing the line here. When it comes to your opposite sex friendships your wife gets to decide what amount of contact is okay with her and what isn't. If the shoe were on the other foot and your wife was best friends with one of your male friends then you would be the one to set the limits. That's just the way it goes. If an opposite sex friendship is causing discomfort or pain to the spouse then the spouses feelings take priority. Even couples who swing or who have open marriages usually get veto power if they become uncomfortable with someone their spouse is involved with. The marriage is the valuable primary relationship and must be prioritized over opposite sex friends.

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If it makes your wife uncomfortable you have to cut it out. In a marriage your partner's feelings have to come first if you want to stay married. A couple shouldn't do anything unless both of them agree it's ok. There's no problem with you having a female friend as long as your wife is ok with it - but as soon as she starts to feel uncomfortable it has to end. Clearly your wife was ok with this friendship in the beginning but now feels it's become too close for comfort. Put your wife first and back off from Linda.

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Option 3: Ease up on your friendship with Linda, and hope that your wife calms down if your friendship is a little less intense. Because seriously, even for someone who believes people can be friends? It sounds like you're overdoing it and REALLY risking one or both of you falling in love. If she's a friend like your guy friends, try to make sure that you are not spending more time with her than you are with your guy friends! If your friendship with her is way more involved than your other buddies, this should be a sign that something's not quite right here.

 

Option 4: Be open and honest with your wife about how you feel, and that you are really confused about the whole situation, and go to counselling with her so that you can get an outside opinion on the situation from someone who can get more details about it than we can.

 

 

What you absolutely SHOULD NOT do is keep lying to your wife while hanging out with your friend. That drives a wedge between you and your spouse which will slowly poison your relationship.

 

 

I think this is the best advice I've gotten, everybody just keeps on judging me without really offering helpful opinions. I think I'll take both of those options, I'll cool it with Linda, I'll try to keep her as a friend but not as close as she is right now, even when I feel that my friendship with her is not really that involved, I talk to her like I would talk to my best male friend, which I actually do, in the same frequency and with the same casual tone, but I get why my wife is jealous, and I get that she's probably not just gonna change her mind about this whole thing. By the way, I would choose my wife over any of my friends any day of the week, I love her, I love the family we have built, I wouldn't give that up that easily, I just don't understand why would I have to choose in the first place, it doesn't seem fair. I think that counseling is also a good option, I already asked my wife to go and she seemed happy about it, we are starting next week, I really hope it helps. I'll avoid lying, I agree with that, I have to stop it before it causes more drama and hopefully my wife will start sharing how she feels in a more direct way, she always hides her feelings until the explode making me very confused.

 

Thanks for all the advice, I'll update after the counseling sessions

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I honestly do not think you can keep this woman as a friend now.

There has been too much trouble caused by this "friendship" and your wife will not be able to tolerate it long term.

YOUR marriage has been scarred here, your wife's trust in you has been shaken big time.

 

You cannot just continue being BFF with this woman, as if nothing happened.

It won't work anyway, before you know it, you will be back to texting all hours and you will still be hiding it from your wife...

 

It needs to be a clean break, IMO.

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