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Open marriage stopped suddenly.dealing with loss.


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Hi all,

 

I'm a mid 30's married woman with abbot of a unique situation that I could use some advice on.

 

My husband(Jeff) and I both have a tremendous sex drive that has let to many great experiences with both of us still loving each other more and more. The most recent experience has caused some issues though.

 

We have a kind of open marriage where things can happen as long as we are being safe, responsible, and communicate with each before and after. He has slept with multiple woman and I have had my fair share of flings. Both of us enjoy hearing of the other experience.

 

6 months ago he expressed interest in having another threesome with a male coworker (Ben) of his who would be leaving his company soon. Jeff set it up and we met up and Ben and I had a ton of chemistry. After drinks we had the threesome and it was great. Everybody had a great time and we agreed to do it again.

 

The theeesomes continued for at least a couple times a month for the next couple of months and Jeff eventually said we could carry on when he wasn't around. That set off a month of a ton of hook ups with me and Ben. Ben turned out to be even better solo.

The threesomes stopped for a while but once we had another it was clear to Jeff that I was really enjoying Ben. Different moans, louder etc. he loved it. Life continued where I would meet up with Ben a couple times a week and we would have a theeesome with him a few times a month.

 

Meanwhile Ben received an offer from work to stay with a promotion. Unfortunately he became Jeff's boss. It is a fairly large department so it's not like Jeff has a ton of interaction with Ben at work. However Jeff started to have issues with me sleeping with his boss and obviously enjoying it so much.

 

He confided that it was starting to bother him so I stopped immediately. I let Ben know and he was understanding. Things with Jeff and I are good however I find myself missing the physical excitement and pleasure of Ben and the threesomes. I also notice that if I'm turned on and in the mood and Jeff is not available I am irritated and moody knowing there is someone out there that would love to have me.

 

How do I get past the longing and subsequent irritation and moodiness? Any advice would be great. Thanks.

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Another reason open marriages are not a good idea.

You have shown your husband that your BF is a far

superior lover.

 

You have become addicted to having sex with Ben.

You are going through withdrawals because you had

to cut off the source of your addiction, Ben.

 

When a couple has sex is causes addictive brain chemistry

to happen. It makes one bond and crave sex with this

person.

 

You may not wind up here but you would not be the first

wife in an open marriage that had decided to dump her

husband for her alpha boyfriend.

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Sounds like you should find a new threesome/hookup participant and forget about Ben.

 

It seems like an obvious solution.

 

Or are you asking how you can continue hooking up with Ben? You can't, because your husband said he's not okay with it anymore.

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Thank you for your feedback.

 

So I wouldn't go as far as to say I'm addicted but I don't know. I miss how easy it was, fulfilling, and how I could enjoy myself and still have a great sex life at home. Ben was willing to do a lot of the things I enjoy that Jeff isn't. Or maybe I should say Ben is into the same things I am so it was very natural. With Jeff I have to ask and guide a lot which means it's not as organic and sometimes feels forced.

 

Yes he was better in bed but it is also unrealistic to say that every husband and wife are each other's best partner. Jeff has had some pretty outstanding sex that I probably won't be able to match. And being great in bed is only a small part of a relationship. I wouldn't give up all of the great aspects of my husband and our marriage due to a well hung guy who can work it. 8)

 

 

We haven't really discussed another threesome with someone else and I'm not actively looking for another partner yet. I'm letting Jeff kind of decide what happens next. Our sex life is still pretty good but I've just gotten used to having more.

 

For the record I completely understand that this is a stupid thing to be upset about. I feel like I am complaining about having too much money or too much cake. It is helping being able to "talk" about it though.

Edited by Jg81
Spelling. I hate typing on phone.
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Thank you for your feedback.

 

So I wouldn't go as far as to say I'm addicted but I don't know. I miss how easy it was, fulfilling, and how I could enjoy myself and still have a great sex life at home. Ben was willing to do a lot of the things I enjoy that Jeff isn't. Or maybe I should say Ben is into the same things I am so it was very natural. With Jeff I have to ask and guide a lot which means it's not as organic and sometimes feels forced.

 

Yes he was better in bed but it is also unrealistic to say that every husband and wife are each other's best partner. Jeff has had some pretty outstanding sex that I probably won't be able to match. And being great in bed is only a small part of a relationship. I wouldn't give up all of the great aspects of my husband and our marriage due to a well hung guy who can work it. 8)

 

 

We haven't really discussed another threesome with someone else and I'm not actively looking for another partner yet. I'm letting Jeff kind of decide what happens next. Our sex life is still pretty good but I've just gotten used to having more.

 

For the record I completely understand that this is a stupid thing to be upset about. I feel like I am complaining about having too much money or too much cake. It is helping being able to "talk" about it though.

 

 

No, what it really is you were happy with the level

of sex that you had with your husband until you had

much better sex with your OM.

 

You are now trying to put a spin on things. My husband

was competent in bed, but the OM was better because

more fulfilling, OM was a natural, has bigger equipment.

 

You have to work harder with your husband because you

would have to lead and teach your husband.

 

Notice how you say your husband is just competent in bed,

how his skill level is not there. That his equipment does not

measure up. Not very loving in your comparison of your

husband to the OM. You just give your husband back handed

complements.

 

But how kind of you to say you will not give up your beta

provider husband for just great sex.

 

What would you do tomorrow if your alpha OM says I'll

provide you with not only my bigger equipment and better

sex, but everything that your husband is providing you

plus more money because he is your husbands boss?

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I find myself missing the physical excitement and pleasure of Ben and the threesomes. I also notice that if I'm turned on and in the mood and Jeff is not available I am irritated and moody knowing there is someone out there that would love to have me..

 

I completely understand that this is a stupid thing to be upset about. I feel like I am complaining about having too much money or too much cake. It is helping being able to "talk" about it though.

 

 

Well, you are... you've grown accustomed to having it both ways and you feel entitled. That Ben became Jeff's boss is almost certainly a factor (no longer equal status), but the part you seem to be overlooking is that Jeff was being depreciated, phased out, replaced, as your #1 lover and primary relationship. I'm sure he could feel that happening.

 

As long as it was just sex and Jeff felt like your undisputed #1 champion sexually and emotionally it was okay. But when Ben achieved higher status at work, and in the bedroom... not so much.

 

What you're feeling now is not unlike someone trying to quit an extramarital affair. That's essentially what it was, only without the deceit and sneaking around... or was it without those components? Was Jeff aware of how often you were sleeping with Ben, and did you tell him that Ben was better in bed, or that you were developing feelings for Ben as well?

 

I'm not going to judge based on moral issues, but from a purely practical perspective... well, practicality is almost certainly where conventional morality and jealously originated.

 

Anyway, to cut to the chase... what you're feeling, and the depreciated state of your marriage, is the result of choices you made and enacted. I don't think you can switch them off and go back to feeling exactly how you did before. You're going to have to make different choices, shift focus, work on your relationship with Jeff, and relegate the past to the past if you want your marriage to great again. Some things are mutually exclusive. The opportunity cost of polyamory is monogamy, security, and exclusivity.

 

I think you have to reexamine what's important to you with the understanding that you really cannot have your cake and eat it too. Have you been in therapy? If not I'd recommend trying it.

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somanymistakes

Jg81: You will get better advice from a swinger community who actually understands the mindset you are working in. On loveshack you are mostly going to get lectured about how you're a cheater and a terrible wife.

 

I mention swinging because you do NOT seem to be interested in polyamory at all, just in sex. Therefore poly advice is not going to be helpful for your situation either.

 

I am absolutely not part of the swinger community but I know a little bit about how it works so I can attempt to give some of the advice that they would, but I would really suggest you go there and talk to people who are into this kind of thing as they will have more detailed advice than my version.

 

It is strongly advised, within swinging, never to play with the same person outside your marriage more than once a month, or two times in a row. Because if you do, you risk starting to develop feelings, and that will complicate the happy fun sex times. Swingers are not poly and do not want more than one relationship, so they have to be careful and practical in order to make sure nothing stupid happens. It's easy to get accidentally emotionally attached to someone and then start feeling all confused and upset about things.

 

You were seeing way too much of Ben, which was risky because he was a guy your husband knew outside of sex, and indeed now that he's your husband's boss banging him would be a bad idea.

 

Your current confused feelings will dissipate eventually. In the meantime, it would be a good idea to plan some new excitement with your husband. If you guys are both still into the idea of outside partners, arrange some new meetups! But be more sensible about it this time and don't get overly attached.

 

Getting attached to people that you're not willing and able to give commitment to will just make both you and them unhappy.

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Thank you all for the honest feedback.

 

Thinking about what everyone has said I am definitely attached too much to Ben. But again just the physical part.

 

You're right. This probably would have been a better post for a swingers forum. I think I will make an extra effort with my husband and try to reach that level with him.

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As an outsider to alternative arrangements - this is what I struggle to understand. You open up a marriage and sooner or later you will find someone better - at sex - or bonding/chemistry - or emotions. There is always someone who will hit your buttons better than your spouse. Its just statistics.

 

I dont know how open marriages, swingers, handle this. Your going to find yourself #2 in the line up , then possibly #X after so many other lovers.

Edited by dichotomy
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As an outsider to alternative arrangements - this is what I struggle to understand. You open up a marriage and sooner or later you will find someone better - at sex - or bonding/chemistry - or emotions. There is always someone who will hit your buttons better than your spouse. Its just statistics.

 

I dont know how open marriages, swingers, handle this. Your going to find yourself #2 in the line up , then possibly #X after so many other lovers.

 

I have seen countless wives become WW's once

there marriage was opened. For it is not the values

that she was raised with and of the society that she

lives in.

 

The woman wants to be valued and mate guarded.

When her husband, lets another man have his wife

he just greatly devalued himself in his wife's

eyes and of society.

 

This devaluing starts to eat away at the wife. Combined

with the rush of new relationship sex she is set up to

be seduced away by the OM. Whether he is single or

married for if this wife. If single he has a woman willing

to put out for him. He will grow accustomed to it and

not want to give it up.

 

If he has a GF or a wife but this HotWife/HW is better

then he will make the move to trade up.

 

So the HW feels devalued. Then the HW realizes the

the husband is allowing her to risk getting STD's, another

nail in the coffin. Then she realizes that her husband is

allowing her to have sex and that there is no 100%

full proof birth control, and he is willing to risk her

OM knocking her up, another nail in the coffin.

 

Then when the HW starts to play separate, another

nail. Jg81, was having more sex 1 on 1 with her OM

during those weeks than many married people do.

Talk about chemically bonding. Now using a nail gun

on the coffin.

 

Then throw in the finishing nails in when the OM has

bigger equipment, F's her like she has never been F'ed

before, Then OM is her husbands boss heaps on more

devaluing of her husband in the HW's mind for why can't

husband get promoted, what a loser. OM makes a lot

more money then my husband and take better care

of me and my kids, oh husband is such a loser.

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marriage here is strictly an insurance policy, old women or old men not getting lonely in their 50s or 60s, or ending up in old age homes

Edited by hammyy2k
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The answer to your problem is simple. Get another man to replace Ben and continue having 3somes with your husband.

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Reading your post and especially some of the responses, it sounds to me that it's almost like a homosexual man posting a message on some difficult issues he is having with his male partner to a typical heterosexual group; and most of the replies are essentially paraphrasing the same idea "this is why homosexuality is not a good idea; try to work on being heterosexual--then you won't have this problem".

 

Yes, both you and your husband have a lifestyle that is hard for most people living in 'traditional' monogamous married lives. Your perspectives and lifestyle is hard for most people to make sense of let alone have deep understanding of the inner workings of.

 

I think you would be right in saying that perhaps posting your comments in a swingers forum might help you receive more helpful comments/suggestions from people who actually have similar life experiences and therefore better and more insightful and personal understanding of the situation you are in.

 

The suggestion I would make is, since it sounds like you two have had a very good communication system set up, it may be best to have an honest conversation with your husband about it. He has been sincere in letting you know how he feels once the situation with Ben changed, so I think it's only fair that you also are sincere in letting him know how you have changed as a result of the recent change.

 

Perhaps, you two searching for a another regular 3-some partner would meet your needs and would help you with your sexual frustrations.

 

Best wishes.

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The answer to your problem is simple. Get another man to replace Ben and continue having 3somes with your husband.

 

I have a feeling that will not work quite so well now, both for the OP who will be looking for more "quality" guys and not for her husband who I doubt is the cuckold type.

I guess he got off on being the "superior guy", being in control of the op and the other guy.

They, being both "inferior" to him, performed for his pleasure, as opposed to him being humiliated by a more superior man.

Ben turned out not to be a lowly guy who was leaving and no threat, but a superstud and a man made of better stuff than he was, so he had to stop that right in its tracks...

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Thank you for your feedback.

Ben was willing to do a lot of the things I enjoy that Jeff isn't. Or maybe I should say Ben is into the same things I am so it was very natural. With Jeff I have to ask and guide a lot which means it's not as organic and sometimes feels forced.

 

 

I don't buy this. Have you told your husband this?

 

 

I don't think you have quite the honest relationship with your husband you think you do.

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We tried an open marriage but too many risks, especially when I ran off with one of my girlfriends. Came to my senses in a month and went back home. I missed her for a long time but we ended up doing threesomes with a female friend of ours that we both knew since we were kids. That worked out well and was risk free. We were together for 30 years in a poly triad.

 

When we had to move and she could not come with us, we felt a loss like losing a spouse. It took a few years and some anti depressants to get back to normal. I know what you feel. I never suggest open marriages to anyone. All our friends into them ended up divorced when one or even both of them decided to live with their lovers and get a divorce. There will always be people that are much better for you than your spouse. You will develop feeling for others if you see them enough. Sex with new people is always more exciting than with your spouse. You know this from your own experience. We are the only ones who never divorced out of our friends into open relationships of one kind or another. Being Poly put is in contact with many non monogamous couples and we saw the drama and divorces which scared us straight. When I fell in love with one of my girlfriends she suddenly wanted me all to herself. She would tell me never to mention my wife. She got mad if I had sex with my wife. I left my wife and as I said, came to my senses a month later. So no more open marriage for us.

 

I was also in an open relationship with a live in girlfriend when I was much younger. She ended up in love with one of my friends who she met in a gang bang. I am not sold on open marriages anymore. Have you ever tried to find a long married couple who have had an open marriage for as long as they are married? They are as rare as hen's teeth in real life and even online.

 

I fall in love too easily. I met my wife of 45 years and was engaged to her 3 weeks later. Actually less than that. My wife discovered she is bi and she hooked me up with her best friend like your husband did with his co-worker. My wife was afraid to come out so she hooked us up and I fell in love with her friend as she thought. I had to invite my wife for a threesome and that is how my wife came out. Lucky for us that our girlfriend was also bi. She had sex with girls in college before she married her ex husband. I think it is dangerous because when emotions come into play we make bad choices. Just look at how many rich and famous people have risked it all to have sex with someone other than their spouse. That is how powerful a sexual attraction can be.

 

I still think about our girlfriend every day and we talk on the phone. She is the only face I see in my fantasies but she is gone.

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Did you try to find a super sexy female to have a threesome with your H?

 

Then let him have sex with her without you around.

 

Sounds like a good solution, and make her a few years younger with bigger breasts.

 

would you mind if this happened in your marriage and she was your boss?

 

If you can't let your H have some of this fun, then time to let him go and you can just file for D and go after his boss.

 

do you have kids? I hope not, will really mess with them.

 

oh no, I do see you do have kids. Time to go complete and total NC with your H's boss. forever.

Edited by harrybrown
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Eternal Sunshine

I really don't get a point of going through marriage wows in this setup. Why not just have multiple FWBs?

 

I guess you like the society status that "being married" gives you.

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somanymistakes

The OP already left the building because this forum was not willing to actually listen to her question and attempt to help, rather than lecturing her for not making the exact same lifestyle choices that they have.

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The OP already left the building because this forum was not willing to actually listen to her question and attempt to help, rather than lecturing her for not making the exact same lifestyle choices that they have.

 

Not offer help?

 

We told her not to have an open marriage.

 

Not to bang her husbands friend any more.

 

Basically there is no better advice then that.

 

The problem is she did not want advice she wanted

to be told only what she wanted to hear. That she

be allowed to keep banging her husband's friend.

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Thank you for the feedback and personal insight.

 

This wasn't a plea to help me feel better about sleeping with the OM. I have not slept with him since I broke it off. It simply was a request of how to get over the lose of sexual pleasure. I guess more in line with how to get over a boyfriend. So far the best advice is give it time.

 

To answer some questions:

 

Both my husband and I have big sex drives and could do it several times a day. We enjoy the open relationship. Him probably more than me. I think it's hard for people who don't have high desires to understand the separation between marriage and pleasure.

 

He has had fwb who have bigger breasts and are hotter than me on numerous occasions. I probably wouldn't be comfortable if it was my boss and I had to see her everyday.

 

I am into kinkier/naughty things and my husband is not. This is something we continually work in but it's nice when it happens naturally.

 

I'm not sure why people assume that because someone is great in bed I am going to leave my marriage or get a divorce.

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Hi Jg81, Guess you will have to find another FB unrelated to your husband's work life but who resembles your former lover Ben. For obvious reasons you cannot continue with him as, more than anything else, it apparently emasculates your husband and unless you and he are into the cuckold kink, he is going to be very uncomfortable with it. By the way, there is a saying which goes like this " One man's meat is another man's poison". So do not expect folks on this forum to understand what you are doing and why you are doing it. Warm wishes.

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Hi Jg81, Guess you will have to find another FB unrelated to your husband's work life but who resembles your former lover Ben. For obvious reasons you cannot continue with him as, more than anything else, it apparently emasculates your husband and unless you and he are into the cuckold kink, he is going to be very uncomfortable with it. By the way, there is a saying which goes like this " One man's meat is another man's poison". So do not expect folks on this forum to understand what you are doing and why you are doing it. Warm wishes.

 

 

Thank you.

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OP never answered why get married?

 

the marriages and open relationships are completely opposite of each other

 

maybe marriage was done to get some twisted kink out of it

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