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Coming up on a sexless anniversary


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Findausername

Just a few days away from celebrating a year of no sexual contact between us.:(

 

Been married 18 years. We used to have a cray sexlife, and now it's nothing. Yes, we've talked about it, I don't think she understands how important it is to me.

 

I'm falling apart.

 

 

 

 

Yay, 1st post here.

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Have you told her it's been a whole year? Have you asked to go to MC? Have you tried romancing her?

 

Sitting around counting the days & seething won't fix this.

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Geeze, makes my 2-3 times a month seem awesome. This is such a difficult subject. I think it's time to not only talk about it, but REALLY TALK about it. We as humans have basic needs. Some people are not very sexual, but I believe most are.

I read so many "reasons" why women lose interest...menopause, kids, lack of help around the house. Why men lose it, affairs, laziness, low libido. You need to get to the bottom of what your reasons are in your relationship.

Depression? Empty Nest? Boredom? Attraction? No spark left?

Some things can be worked on, some not so much.

You could spend more time together. Go slow, touch more, talk more. Get away often. Introduce toys or videos. Use lube (coconut oil is natural is works great).

Help out around the house. Hash out any old BS that is blocking communication.

Ask if your partner may be depressed and could they see a healthcare provider about that?

Ask if the attraction is gone. Can you both get fit together? If it's a body image thing?

A whole year?

NO, just no. If you have tried all you can and you want to remain in a sexless marriage, then you may have to accept that. If you have not exhausted all measures, try some things. Closeness is so important in relationships, in my opinion and that's what separates just being friends. If you want more and this person can not and will not give that to you, you have to consider if it's time to end it.

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RedBaron2765

Hell, it's been over a year and a half for me (and that's because she was drunk). If you don't count that one, then it's been over two years. Now, to be fair, we are both 50 and have two little kids and nowhere to dump them off. However, my wife is also very lazy.

 

We are actually going to be kid free next weekend - we'll see what happens. Methinks that by some coincidence she'll get her period.

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In your situation the wife sent her husband an anniversary card. "One year no sex "

 

Only then did he do something about it.

 

Unfortunately, unbeknown to him, she'd been having an affair because he wasn't having sex with her.

 

The card really hit home.... but a conversation might be a better way to start.

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Just a few days away from celebrating a year of no sexual contact between us.:(

 

Been married 18 years. We used to have a cray sexlife, and now it's nothing. Yes, we've talked about it, I don't think she understands how important it is to me.

 

I'm falling apart.

 

Yay, 1st post here.

 

You have to make her realize how important it is to you. That this is killing your marriage and you may have to end it if things don't change. Go to marriage counseling in order to have a venue where you HAVE to discuss it and have those difficult conversations.

 

Are you affectionate and loving with her outside of the bedroom? For many women, it's difficult to want to be physically intimate with your spouse when that loving affection in missing in other realms of your relationship. Are there serious underlying issues in your marriage that cause resentment? It's very difficult to want to be intimate with your husband when you feel continually resentful about something he's doing or not doing, that is important to you.

 

My partner went through a 2+ year period of sexlessness with his ex-wife after she had a prolonged emotional affair. The lack of intimacy killed their marriage just as much as the affair did. By the time she realized what she was risking, he was too far gone and didn't want to be with her anymore. I hope that doesn't happen to you :/

Edited by Birdies
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Hell, it's been over a year and a half for me (and that's because she was drunk). If you don't count that one, then it's been over two years. Now, to be fair, we are both 50 and have two little kids and nowhere to dump them off. However, my wife is also very lazy.

 

We are actually going to be kid free next weekend - we'll see what happens. Methinks that by some coincidence she'll get her period.

 

Fortunately period sex is often great, just a bit messy

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RecentChange
Fortunately period sex is often great, just a bit messy

 

Or great and not messy if you use the right kind of menstrual cup.

 

But I have a feeling if a woman has placed such a low priority on sex that ain't happening.

 

So perplexing why this seems to happen in so many marriages. I don't get it, at all, but I have always been high drive.

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Findausername

Thanks for the replies, to answer some of your questions,

 

Yes, I'm affectionate towards here, I grab but and and other parts often, I kiss her often. I do a lot of the house work, if she cooks, I do dishes, put away left overs, wipe counters, I do laundry including fold and put away. I'm handy, Pinterest projects or broken stuff. I complement her when she dresses nice.

 

I'm in extremely good shape, we go to the gym together, and she's lost ~20 pounds in the last 4-5 months. She's under 200 for the first time in a long time and we celebrated that. She 5'10" for reference.

 

I know exactly how long it's been since sex, because as it slowed down I started putting notes on my calendar.

 

We've had rough times in 18 years been to MC and IC. I'm still seeing a IC partly because of this issue.

 

I stopped asking for sex about 6 months ago because I was tired of being told later or flat out no.

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Do you think she could be going through menopause or pre-menopause? (You didn't say how old you all are, but together 18+ years....) That really can kill women's sex drive. There are various hormonal treatments that a lot of women use for a few years during this time.

 

Just a sidenote, and I may be totally projecting here - but saying you grab her butt isn't really "being affectionate". My ex-husband would do that to me, and he meant it affectionately and sexily. But he wouldn't kiss me for longer than 1-2 seconds, or wrap his arms around me, or rub my shoulders, or any kind of physical affection that felt like it was for ME and not just for his own gratification. That lack of loving affection made me feel really physically disconnected to him and killed my desire to be intimate with him. Again, this is just my experience, but it's something to think about if it sounds familiar to you at all. What kind of touch does SHE want?

 

PS - Wanna come do some housework for me?! You sound great in that regard :)

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Thanks for the replies, to answer some of your questions,

 

Yes, I'm affectionate towards here, I grab but and and other parts often, I kiss her often. I do a lot of the house work, if she cooks, I do dishes, put away left overs, wipe counters, I do laundry including fold and put away. I'm handy, Pinterest projects or broken stuff. I complement her when she dresses nice.

 

While all of this is great (and hopefully she reciprocates by similarly doing nice things for you), it doesn't necessarily make a woman feel like having sex.

 

How are things in the romantic department? I don't mean "grabbing butt and other parts"... I mean, do you go out on dates? Do you spend time just talking to each other and laughing together? How is the cuddling and the making out? How is the sex for her when you do have it, does she get pleasure out of it?

 

Perhaps more importantly, when you talk to her about this (you HAVE talked, right???), what does she say?

 

Of course, it's entirely possible I'm barking up the wrong tree here - it's really difficult to guess since we have so little information about both of you. But it just perplexes me how "grabbing butt" and "doing dishes/wiping counters" are being offered as "examples of affection". Personally the former is great, but only when I'm already aroused! And the latter, also, is great but not something that would necessarily lead to sex - it's just part and parcel of being a partner in the house that you both live in together.

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Findausername

Sorry I was doing a bit of brain dump from my phone in between meetings.

 

Dates? Yep every couple of weeks. Some times dinner and a movie, mini golf, people Watching.

 

Our cuddling and making out sucks. Generally only cuddle in bed, and we watch tv from different chairs. I rub shoulders neck often, offered to paint toes prior to beach trip.

 

I am an introvert, so I have to make an effort to communicate effectively. I haven't reminder her how long it's been yet, but I have told her our lack of intimacy (not just sex) is a problem for me...generally she says, yes me too, and the cuddle/kissing increases for a day or three and then we're right back.

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I am an introvert, so I have to make an effort to communicate effectively. I haven't reminder her how long it's been yet, but I have told her our lack of intimacy (not just sex) is a problem for me...generally she says, yes me too, and the cuddle/kissing increases for a day or three and then we're right back.

 

If she says it's a problem for her, could you ask her if she has any suggestions for how both of you can solve that problem together?

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if it has been that long, ask her if she is getting her needs met elsewhere.

 

Hope you do have a good conversation about this.

 

Will she go with you to MC?

 

Let her know that things are serious.

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Findausername

We've discussed before about making time for each other, no electronics after a certain time...has never seemed to lead anywhere.

 

We're going to have to talk about it again. Anniversary day?

 

I'm confident she's not stepping out, and I'm sure she's taking care of herself occasionally.

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We've had rough times in 18 years been to MC and IC.

I'm still seeing a IC partly because of this issue.

 

 

Ok so what are those issues that have occurred in your marriage?

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RecentChange

It sounds like a minor thing….

 

But can you ditch the separate chairs and get a love seat or a couch to enjoy together?

 

You said you were an introvert – gotta man up, use your words and start communicating.

 

I am the high drive / NEEDS touch etc half the relationship. He is naturally a bit more aloof physically.

 

And you know what? I TOLD him, I explained to him in easy to understand terms that I NEED touch. How it comforts me, how it makes me feel connected, how it reduces my stress, how it makes me feel loved. That its something I need from him. And he loves and cares about me – so he makes more of an effort, or at least indulges my advances.

 

For a while we had the living room configured in a way that we would often end up on separate couches. He would be on a smaller one that was easier to watch TV from, meanwhile I like to stretch out with a book. But I HATED being “away” from him like that while relaxing.

 

So, I reconfigured the room – big ol’ L shaped couch. Now he can watch TV, and I can lay back, kick up my feet and rest my head on his lap – or just be near to him (I am like a golden retriever – keep a hand on my head and I am happy). Can you change things around so you two aren’t “apart” while sharing the same space?

 

What have you done to explain to her how important physical touch is to you – and WHY you need it. I recommend reading up on the “5 love languages” and see what yours is – and importantly try to figure out what hers is.

 

Now as far as showing her affection – If she isn’t feeling sexy, I don’t think grabbing her ass is going to do it. How often do you hold each other tenderly? How often do you make her feel like you admire her? That you NEED her?

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Why did nth thinking grabbing your butt is romantic or affectionate?

 

It really isn't.. I hate it, but my husband doesn't take me seriously and still does it.

 

Try a massage... a shoulder rub...

Foot rub.. no grabbing a** or boobs.

 

You need to ask if her if the lack of sex is an issue for her. If it's not, then nothing will change.

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Why did nth thinking grabbing your butt is romantic or affectionate?

 

It really isn't.. I hate it, but my husband doesn't take me seriously and still does it.

 

Try a massage... a shoulder rub...

Foot rub.. no grabbing a** or boobs.

 

You need to ask if her if the lack of sex is an issue for her. If it's not, then nothing will change.

 

Apologies typo above. Should be ....

 

Why do men think

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We've discussed before about making time for each other, no electronics after a certain time...has never seemed to lead anywhere.

 

Why didn't it lead anywhere? Was it just her that wasn't interested in spending time together, or was it partly you as well?

 

Why did nth thinking grabbing your butt is romantic or affectionate?

 

It really isn't.. I hate it, but my husband doesn't take me seriously and still does it.

 

I'm concerned that your husband still does that even after you've explicitly told him you hate it.

 

Personally, I'm a fan of it when I'm already in the mood for teasing or other low-key foreplay. It's not at all bad for me! But it's certainly not a substitute for actual romance/affection. Also, I only enjoy the more "risque" stuff like butt-grabbing if the relationship is already otherwise good in the romance/non-sexual affection/love and care department.

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Sorry to say but this rarely reverses itself - or not fully.

 

If there is not some significant reason on your end (your a bad husband or what ever) then its her...and getting her to change is hard.

 

Your first thought is "well I am a good husband, so I will either be better, or complain, or beg, or ....." to get her to change back.

 

But what happens is YOU need to change up the equation on your side. There are books from Athol Kay on this - but in a nutshell you need to start acting as though you just became single. No not cheat - but update yourself as though you were putting yourself on the market again - loose some weight, update the clothes, become confident and flirty with women, less dependent on her (and giving towards her), involve yourself (alone) in some social activities outside the home. She needs to see you with fresh eyes, and kind of competitively among other females.

 

Now I am not saying your go chase other women (your married) but what I am saying is you might join a bowling league, or a charity community group, or a book club, or something that has women on it - and you go have some fun one or twice a week... with out her. Sometimes a little separation and independence, and new activities and thinking... makes a difference for both of you.

 

I am not saying this is going to work either - but the plus side is your trying some new things and activities on your own - growing and exploring...and not sitting at home being rejected or unloved by your wife. You have value - go find it. Also in the worst case if your marriage ends due to her selfish sexless behavior - you have a new life with interesting things to do .. already going.

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Findausername

I've left notes, cards, small gifts. I call her sweet things, make sure to kiss her good morning before I leave the house. I know she likes laughing, I'll make her laugh, be goofy in and out of public.

 

I've made the the bathroom and bedroom look like something from a magazine or movie, and offered hot baths and massages.

 

I feel like I've made herculean efforts to get nothing in return. I've honestly given up on them.

 

I've read MMSL, actually started reading it again last week. I think that's the route I'm going.

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Trail Blazer

I am in a similar boat, just not as long, but I feel like I'm headed down a path of no return. I have fought and scraped to keep our sex life alive, but in the end my efforts have been futile. I have given up. In the end, what is the point? I can't force someone to want intimacy if they don't.

 

I don't know your situation but mine is a marriage with extreme stress and financial issues. I have contributed to some of it by making mistakes. But our marriage is one that things have deteriorated due to poor decisions and now we are in a situation where there's no margin for error. When every mistake is seemongly fatal, fingers get pointed and blame apportioned. It's no way to live and we are on a hiding to nothing.

 

I have raised these issues with my wife. She has a millions excuses for why she doesn't want to be intimate. She always says that when I bring it up it puts pressure on her and doesn't help my cause. Up until 5 months ago when I gave up all together, I would ask for sex with varying degrees of success. Sometimes she'd say yes and seemingly get into it, but as became more frequent it was no, or she'd just roll over and say "stick it in".

 

My last straw was after she agreed, rolled over but lay deliberately in a position which severely compromized my ability to effectively penetrate. I kept asking what is wrong, why are you lying like that. It was the worst sexual experience I've had. I haven't said a word since, I haven't asked, and my wife has just carried on as though everything is normal. I feel like if I don't ask again we'd go for 20 years without doing it.

 

I won't last that long in this relationship, or even remotely close to that long.

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I've left notes, cards, small gifts. I call her sweet things, make sure to kiss her good morning before I leave the house. I know she likes laughing, I'll make her laugh, be goofy in and out of public.

 

I've made the the bathroom and bedroom look like something from a magazine or movie, and offered hot baths and massages.

 

I feel like I've made herculean efforts to get nothing in return. I've honestly given up on them.

 

I've read MMSL, actually started reading it again last week. I think that's the route I'm going.

 

This sounds like the problem might not be with the acts of romance/affection, then.

 

How was your sex life before this? Did she enjoy herself when you two were having sex?

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