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Ive been with the same man for 20 yrs. Im 41. He's a wonderful man and very good to me. Any girl would love to have a husband like mine.

Expressing myself here is going to be difficult for me. Im a private person but i would love some imput or advice.

I have done lots of research and feel that many end up in the place that my relarionship is. I'll try to make this as short as possible.

1. I feel we are growing apart. He's an introvert so he doesnt express what he's thinking or how he's feeling. Our conversation are simply day to day, what needs done or how was work.

2. We have (like many) fell into a routine. Day in and day out its the same routine.

3. The only time he has ever asked me to do something with him is if it involves bringing your spouse (christmas party etc..) or if the calander says so (valentines day etc.. ) or I express i need it or schedule it myself. other than that, hes never asked me to do anything.

4. He has terrible follow through.

5. I'm 100% more sexual than he is. I want to explore more dbsm and he's vanilla. Our sex is very much one sided, we do just enough to get him off and were done.

 

So now that I've pointed out my major issues, I'll explain in a little more detail.

I have spent the last 10 yrs having in depth difficult conversations (every 4 to 6mo) about concerns with our relationship, or what I'm needing or wanting to work on. I've expressed my concern about him not ever wanting to do anything with me and expressed why i need that. I also expressed the importance of us having vulnerable conversations and the need to have an open honest relationship. I have also expressed my concern about our sex life, how its become lazy and one sided.

We have a good honest relationship but not an open one because hes an introvert.

He's completely happy with our relationship, I'm the unhappy one. The last 2 yrs i have given up on trying to talk to him. I had my first (lets talk) convo about 2 months ago and like all the other (2hrs or longer convo) nothing changes. During this convo i told him i simply feel done. I dont have any more try in me. Im simply trying to hold on till our last child is out of the house and i dont kmow if ill make it. (freshman in high school.) I told him i dont feel i have an emotional connection with him any more and I feel we are going down different paths. Our relationship is no different than having a room mate with benefits. Except im not getting anything from the benefits...

 

About 6yrs ago he reluctantly agreed for me to chat online and get some very much needed emotional (lack of better word) communication and chat to sexually minded people. That's gotten me through this far.

 

Im not getting any younger and even though i dont want a separation and i really want to find a way to compromise things... however, i really dont see things ever changing because nothing has during all the years ive tried.. things went well for a couple of days.. and looking back, honestly i dont think anything changed other than me feeling good about getting it off my chest and hopeful for some change or effort per our conversation of him trying. Which it never happened, nothing changed. I honestly think he thinks its a phase or I'll get through (over this) this and he's riding it out. Or he doesnt ever see me leaving.. i dont know because he doesnt express himself.

I have options...

1a. I could stay, live a unhappy comfortable life so everyone around me isnt effected by my selfishness. Its really not a bad life, i would just be extremely lonely. But then again..

2a. If i leave.. i could be in the same boat or worse. End up with someone terrible or be alone the rest of my life.

3a. I could hang in there till graduation and then move out.. my kids didnt ask for this and i dont want to effect them. Move out, lvie seperate see how things go. See if we should divorce.

4a. I could cheat, compromise my morals for a temporary bandaid. I dont believein cheating, i also dont judge those who do. But if you love someone you should have those difficult convos.

5a. I could seek council or a retreat for one last ditch effort, even though research and myself dont think it will help.

6a. I could again ask for a fwb to get that emotional commection amd sexual gratification i need.

 

The other issue.. im so bitter over the last several years that i have not been very nice to him. Just about everything he does irritates me. In no way shape or form do i feel any of this is his responsibility. I'm the unhappy one and only i can make myself happy. I know this. I'm angry because i want thinga to work, I didn't get married to divorce. That said, in order for things to work i need him to participate and try.

The other issue besides me being bitter.. im also the type of person that chooses the safe choice. So i would tend to stay because its the safe thing to do but not fair to him either. If i stay than i will be bitter and lose more of myself.. which is normal for me, I'm a mom and wife i give up my needs for them gladly. Its who I am and prefer that but i need to know and feel I'm important and wanted and i dont.

 

I'd greatly appriciate any insites on this mess.

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LivingWaterPlease

Seems to me your first four sentences are at odds with the rest of your post.

 

In your don't sound as if you're in love with your husband and you don't seem to be describing a man any girl would love to have for a husband.

 

Yet you say you're in love with him and any girl would love to have a husband like yours.

 

Why do you think your post contradicts itself?

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I don't believe my post contradicts itself. I wanted to point out that he is a wonderful man. Im not here trying to make him look bad because he IS a wonderful man, I'm looking for advice. He does anything I ask. We get along great. He doesnt lie to me. He doesnt beat me. He hasnt cheated on me. Etc... Yes i feel almost any girl would love to have him for a husband.

 

I didnt think I had to explain this but here you go...

Everyone has things they can live with and things they can't live without. Everyone is different. The things i feel i need in my relationship someone else may be perfectly happy with. I'm not. Those other people may enjoy having someone that only wants sex every 7 to 10 days. Those people may be perfectly fine planning everything. Im not.

 

.

Edited by Anah
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LivingWaterPlease

I do hope you get some good advice, Anah!

 

To me the way you describe your husband doesn't sound as if he's someone any girl would like for a husband as, from your post, he seems disconnected and unwilling or unable to function as an intimate partner. Not sure how that equates to a man any girl would want to be married to. Who wants that? Seems to me most women are wanting someone who is involved, who invites them to go places together with him, who wants to have sex. That doesn't sound like your husband to me.

 

Actually, from what you've written in the main body of your post it seems you have analyzed the situation well as to what you can expect if you go or if you stay.

 

Can you be more specific about what you're looking for in comments on your post? Are you processing your thoughts here so that you can get support in making a decision to leave? Or wanting folks to assess whether you should go or stay from other posters' points of view?

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You already stated your thoughts and opinions on my post in which i responded. So I'm not sure what you planned to get from repeating yourself or having me repeat myself.

How he is with me, may differ from how he may be with someone else based on their wants and needs.

My purpose for coming here isnt to lay out my entire private life which is why i didn't paint the picture you seem to be requesting. Guess your going to have to take my word for it when i say hes a wonderful man.

 

[]

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Lack of civility and respect ~6
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Ive been with the same man for 20 yrs. Im 41. He's a wonderful man and very good to me. Any girl would love to have a husband like mine.

Expressing myself here is going to be difficult for me. Im a private person but i would love some imput or advice.

I have done lots of research and feel that many end up in the place that my relarionship is. I'll try to make this as short as possible.

1. I feel we are growing apart. He's an introvert so he doesnt express what he's thinking or how he's feeling. Our conversation are simply day to day, what needs done or how was work.

2. We have (like many) fell into a routine. Day in and day out its the same routine.

3. The only time he has ever asked me to do something with him is if it involves bringing your spouse (christmas party etc..) or if the calander says so (valentines day etc.. ) or I express i need it or schedule it myself. other than that, hes never asked me to do anything.

4. He has terrible follow through.

5. I'm 100% more sexual than he is. I want to explore more dbsm and he's vanilla. Our sex is very much one sided, we do just enough to get him off and were done.

 

So now that I've pointed out my major issues, I'll explain in a little more detail.

I have spent the last 10 yrs having in depth difficult conversations (every 4 to 6mo) about concerns with our relationship, or what I'm needing or wanting to work on. I've expressed my concern about him not ever wanting to do anything with me and expressed why i need that. I also expressed the importance of us having vulnerable conversations and the need to have an open honest relationship. I have also expressed my concern about our sex life, how its become lazy and one sided.

We have a good honest relationship but not an open one because hes an introvert.

He's completely happy with our relationship, I'm the unhappy one. The last 2 yrs i have given up on trying to talk to him. I had my first (lets talk) convo about 2 months ago and like all the other (2hrs or longer convo) nothing changes. During this convo i told him i simply feel done. I dont have any more try in me. Im simply trying to hold on till our last child is out of the house and i dont kmow if ill make it. (freshman in high school.) I told him i dont feel i have an emotional connection with him any more and I feel we are going down different paths. Our relationship is no different than having a room mate with benefits. Except im not getting anything from the benefits...

 

About 6yrs ago he reluctantly agreed for me to chat online and get some very much needed emotional (lack of better word) communication and chat to sexually minded people. That's gotten me through this far.

 

Im not getting any younger and even though i dont want a separation and i really want to find a way to compromise things... however, i really dont see things ever changing because nothing has during all the years ive tried.. things went well for a couple of days.. and looking back, honestly i dont think anything changed other than me feeling good about getting it off my chest and hopeful for some change or effort per our conversation of him trying. Which it never happened, nothing changed. I honestly think he thinks its a phase or I'll get through (over this) this and he's riding it out. Or he doesnt ever see me leaving.. i dont know because he doesnt express himself.

I have options...

1a. I could stay, live a unhappy comfortable life so everyone around me isnt effected by my selfishness. Its really not a bad life, i would just be extremely lonely. But then again..

2a. If i leave.. i could be in the same boat or worse. End up with someone terrible or be alone the rest of my life.

3a. I could hang in there till graduation and then move out.. my kids didnt ask for this and i dont want to effect them. Move out, lvie seperate see how things go. See if we should divorce.

4a. I could cheat, compromise my morals for a temporary bandaid. I dont believein cheating, i also dont judge those who do. But if you love someone you should have those difficult convos.

5a. I could seek council or a retreat for one last ditch effort, even though research and myself dont think it will help.

6a. I could again ask for a fwb to get that emotional commection amd sexual gratification i need.

 

The other issue.. im so bitter over the last several years that i have not been very nice to him. Just about everything he does irritates me. In no way shape or form do i feel any of this is his responsibility. I'm the unhappy one and only i can make myself happy. I know this. I'm angry because i want thinga to work, I didn't get married to divorce. That said, in order for things to work i need him to participate and try.

The other issue besides me being bitter.. im also the type of person that chooses the safe choice. So i would tend to stay because its the safe thing to do but not fair to him either. If i stay than i will be bitter and lose more of myself.. which is normal for me, I'm a mom and wife i give up my needs for them gladly. Its who I am and prefer that but i need to know and feel I'm important and wanted and i dont.

 

I'd greatly appreciate any insites on this mess.

 

I mean this really, really, gently,so please don't be offended.

 

All you talked about is what you need, what you want and what you want to have happen.There is absolutely nothing wrong at all with expressing your needs...so long as you take the other person's into consideration.

 

He didn't choose to be an introvert, and I really have to wonder if when you feel you are talking to him, he feels you are talking at him. Do you give him a chnace to communicate with him in a way that works for him? For example, if he doesn't like talking, he might be more amenable to writing. you might try sitting down with him,expressing your feelings and then asking him to write his thoughts out to share them with you. ( I'm an introvert, and while it is in no way their fault, when someone of a different personality type starts talking to me, I try my best to listen. they take this ( incorrectly) as a cue that they conversation can be one sided, which basically amounts tot hem dumping on me while I just sit there. Usually, I don;t get much of a chance to reply, which they interpret ( again, understandably) that I am fine with what they say.

 

Please don't take this to mean I am blaming you,as f you are not an introvert, it can be hard to understand what it's like. I could be wrong, but I can't see him changing, as this is a fundamental personality trait that may even go as deep as the biochemistry and neurological pathways of his brain.

 

My best advice would be that, if you are going to stay together, you are going to have to find a way to communicate with him where he feels safe to open up. I'm not saying you haven't tried hard already, just that it sounds like you have tried methods that would work for your personality type. Again, not your fault as you are simply making an effort based on your own experience and personality. For him, a marathon discussion about your relationship may be overwhelming. try breaking it down into shorter discussions, and give him lots of time to respond. that may be frustrating for you, but it might help.

 

Sorry that's all I've got. I hope you can work it out.

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Thank you for your reply.. i pointed out my needs because thats what im needing advice on. Yes i have tried to write, text, tried games.

Hes extremely wonderful at listening and talking to people about issues, their issues.

 

Where it becomes difficult is when "we" have to have a difficult conversation that is uncomfortable to him. He shuts down compeltely. I ask how he is feeling about the topic or thoughts and he either doesnt reply or says i dont know. I even ask if he needs time to think.

 

Writing letters and writing his thoughts down.. kinda works, he wont "write" but sometimes might text. He may decide to change something or try something new but then has zero follow through on it. And we are right back to square one. And i feel at a loss.

 

Ive even read up on how to try and get him to open up.

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And yes the communication is a must to be fixed. I also feel its a huge part of our sex life issues. I feel strongly that those two go hand in hand.

Part of the issue is.. i can plan outings, i can set up times for us to sit and talk. I can do all that. But doing so wont help me feel like im the only one trying in this relationship.

I do know that when you have been with someone so long, sometimes you forget that relationships are work and you become comfortable and stop trying. I feel that's where he is at. He married me and is still with me.. isnt that enough. I get that. However its not that easy, you still need to work at it. Or should if you want it to work.

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I don't believe my post contradicts itself. I wanted to point out that he is a wonderful man. Im not here trying to make him look bad because he IS a wonderful man, I'm looking for advice. He does anything I ask. We get along great. He doesnt lie to me. He doesnt beat me. He hasnt cheated on me. Etc... Yes i feel almost any girl would love to have him for a husband.

 

I didnt think I had to explain this but here you go...

Everyone has things they can live with and things they can't live without. Everyone is different. The things i feel i need in my relationship someone else may be perfectly happy with. I'm not. Those other people may enjoy having someone that only wants sex every 7 to 10 days. Those people may be perfectly fine planning everything. Im not.

 

.

 

I'm a little afraid to comment here.

 

But my insight, for what it's worth, is in your words in bold above. You are missing things in your relationship that you can't live without. Seems clear to me what you should think about doing.

 

Good luck.

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[]

 

I would have to say i would agree with your statement but if only it was that easy. Obviously it wasnt always this way.. things were wonderful at one time. I guess im hopeful it will get better. Maybe once the kids are out. I suppose i don't want to toss the towel in, until i know I've tried everything.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Lack of civility and respect ~6
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It sounds like he does not take your feelings into account, and does nothing to work on things with you. If you are having the same conversation over and over again, I would suggest taking a look at that, rather than trying to solve all of the problems.

 

When someone loves you, you feel important to them. . .

 

It sounds like maybe it is time to end it once and for all.

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Anah, you are not happy. You need a way to

be happy without cheating. You have needs

being met and needs not. Time to find a good

MC to help you and your husband find a solution.

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He is who he is. You're trying to change him into someone he's not. He's content in a routine. Accept who he is or end your marriage.

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Thank you for your reply.. i pointed out my needs because thats what im needing advice on. Yes i have tried to write, text, tried games.

Hes extremely wonderful at listening and talking to people about issues, their issues.

 

Where it becomes difficult is when "we" have to have a difficult conversation that is uncomfortable to him. He shuts down compeltely. I ask how he is feeling about the topic or thoughts and he either doesnt reply or says i dont know. I even ask if he needs time to think.

 

Writing letters and writing his thoughts down.. kinda works, he wont "write" but sometimes might text. He may decide to change something or try something new but then has zero follow through on it. And we are right back to square one. And i feel at a loss.

 

Ive even read up on how to try and get him to open up.

 

I really wish I had some good advice for you, but I don't. Is there any way you could convince him to get some marriage counseling with you?

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He is who he is. You're trying to change him into someone he's not. He's content in a routine. Accept who he is or end your marriage.

 

op,

sad as it is to say, it could come down to this.

 

It sounds like the status quo isn't working for you, and that means it won't work for your marriage. Do you think he would respond if you tried to shock him out of his complacency by telling him you are near the end of your rope and there needs to be some changes or you will have to reevaluate if the relationship is really what you want?

 

How much of a change do you feel you need to be happy int he relationship? If he can't go that far, would you be okay with meeting him half way, so long as you knew he was trying?

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I have spent the last 10 yrs having in depth difficult conversations (every 4 to 6mo) about concerns with our relationship, or what I'm needing or wanting to work on. I've expressed my concern about him not ever wanting to do anything with me and expressed why i need that. I also expressed the importance of us having vulnerable conversations and the need to have an open honest relationship. I have also expressed my concern about our sex life, how its become lazy and one sided.

 

What does he say during these conversations? Does he promise to do better and then not follow through, or does he dismiss your concerns entirely?

 

How was the sexual and romantic aspect of your R early on? Was it always this way, or did something change?

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Anah,

 

I found the first post very reasonable.

 

She was not judging you, she was simply pointing out that it makes sense that you are unhappy in your relationship because many other women would be very unhappy in your situation as well.

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Hi Anah,

 

I've been with my bf going on 6 years and we've faced similar dynamic problems in our relationship. Though I'm the introvert in our relationship, my bf is naturally reticent and inexpressive, so communication between us has been hard. I am also the more sexual in our relationship and we've had many challenges there.

 

I'm only a few years younger than you, and have chosen to stay in my relationship because of my needs for security/stability/safety as well. I think a person can seem wonderful or have really great traits, but not be suitable for a particular type of relationship when you weigh other factors.

 

A partner who will do what you ask and listen to you and make you feel heard is indeed wonderful. My partner does the same for me and I appreciate these things about him a lot. The things is, when someone truly loves you and wants you to be happy with them, they will learn how to do these things with you and for you. Some have to work at it harder than others, but in a mutually loving relationship both parties work at it. The other thing is alot of partners wouldn't consider a relationship fulfilling based on those things alone. I've been all over the internet, read dozens of relationship and self help books, talked to friends and family to understand this latter part. Some of the things that really are critical to a happy romantic relationship do not get the clout they deserve.

 

Your husband may have great qualities and do some actions that seem loving, but he is not providing what you need in a romantic relationship to be happy. You've told him this more than once and whatever his reasons, he has not met or tried to meet these needs. The real kicker here, as you've touched on in your options I think, is that these are needs you typically can't get fulfilled in any other type of relationship. So it's not like you can go somewhere else and get what you need while still considering this a romantic relationship. Some people can do that but it doesn't sound like you'd be comfortable with that.

 

The thing that urged me to respond most though, is that you sell your own needs short. You talk like your needs are trivial and selfish and not worth fulfilling. In the last couple of years I've had to work on this a lot. Honor yourself and your needs. Your need for sexual satisfaction is just as important as your need for security. Your need for emotional intimacy matters just as much as having a unified family. They're equally important, and it's NOT unreasonable or out of the ordinary for you to have both in a loving romantic relationship. And you may not explicitly state "my needs are valid" to your husband when you talk to him, but I'd be surprised if that tendency to minimize your needs doesn't come through in the way you talk about these issues.

 

I didn't think I'd ever be one to offer ultimatums, but the sustained progress we've had in the last half a year in our relationship issues came about because I was finally, well and truly, willing to walk away from the relationship if something didn't change. I went through years of depressive phases, crying, arguing, passive aggressive behavior, general irritation with my bf pretty much all the time. That pattern got progressively worse for 2.5 years or so. I went through all that because I felt like I had to stay. We don't have children though, I understand that changes things. But I think you have to tell yourself that you will leave at a predefined time if you don't get what you need, and really be ok with that decision. Knowing that my life can be different and better without my bf, and that I can have that life whenever I choose, sapped so much of my negative emotional energy out of my approach to these issues. Believing that I have the choice to leave at any time, and being ok with what that choice means for the present and future, has granted me patience, renewed appreciation, and willingness to meet him where he's at so we can work together on our intimacy.

 

Sorry for such a long post, but I hope you find some of this helpful. Good luck.

 

Edit: yikes! My sense of timing is way off. My formal ultimatum " going to leave talk". Was only a couple weeks ago. My timeline may change your perspective on this advice, though I think it still applies. I just don't want to misrepresent my process on this.

Edited by Almond_Joy
Spelling errors and some rewording
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op,

sad as it is to say, it could come down to this.

 

It sounds like the status quo isn't working for you, and that means it won't work for your marriage. Do you think he would respond if you tried to shock him out of his complacency by telling him you are near the end of your rope and there needs to be some changes or you will have to reevaluate if the relationship is really what you want?

 

How much of a change do you feel you need to be happy int he relationship? If he can't go that far, would you be okay with meeting him half way, so long as you knew he was trying?

I have had the conversation that i dont have much give left. Its not that he simply isn't trying. I think there is 2 things going on, one, hes doesnt understand. I spend hours trying to explain what I'm trying to get across before he understands.... then a week or two later its like we have never hand the conversation. And then in 4 to 6 mo we have yet another conversation. And before anyone says it, its not a matter of him not being smart. Hes a very smart man. Second, he doesnt know what to do about it. I think if i could fix those, it would make a big difference.

As far as meeting him half way, all relationships you sometimes have to compromise. In fact i feel its important.

As for marriage counciling, yes WE are open to that if we could find a good MC and an actual licensed MC. That said, my research on MC doesnt look promising.

As for the comment about me trying to change him... Thats incorrect. Im not. I have always known he was an introvert. The issue isnt the routine, the issue is him not putting any effort to our relationship any more.

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What does he say during these conversations? Does he promise to do better and then not follow through, or does he dismiss your concerns entirely?

 

How was the sexual and romantic aspect of your R early on? Was it always this way, or did something change?

He doesnt say much at first. He tries to take it all in. He agrees.. we make plans to move forward and then nothing happens.. he may be good for 2 days... the longest has been a week and then we are back to square one.

Sex before was very good.. im extremely sexual person and would no way have married him if we didn't have that chemistry too. Like i stated before, what chsnged ... he became comfortable and lazy. He stopped trying.. im here and not going anywhere attitude.

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Hi Anah,

 

I've been with my bf going on 6 years and we've faced similar dynamic problems in our relationship. Though I'm the introvert in our relationship, my bf is naturally reticent and inexpressive, so communication between us has been hard. I am also the more sexual in our relationship and we've had many challenges there.

 

I'm only a few years younger than you, and have chosen to stay in my relationship because of my needs for security/stability/safety as well. I think a person can seem wonderful or have really great traits, but not be suitable for a particular type of relationship when you weigh other factors.

 

A partner who will do what you ask and listen to you and make you feel heard is indeed wonderful. My partner does the same for me and I appreciate these things about him a lot. The things is, when someone truly loves you and wants you to be happy with them, they will learn how to do these things with you and for you. Some have to work at it harder than others, but in a mutually loving relationship both parties work at it. The other thing is alot of partners wouldn't consider a relationship fulfilling based on those things alone. I've been all over the internet, read dozens of relationship and self help books, talked to friends and family to understand this latter part. Some of the things that really are critical to a happy romantic relationship do not get the clout they deserve.

 

Your husband may have great qualities and do some actions that seem loving, but he is not providing what you need in a romantic relationship to be happy. You've told him this more than once and whatever his reasons, he has not met or tried to meet these needs. The real kicker here, as you've touched on in your options I think, is that these are needs you typically can't get fulfilled in any other type of relationship. So it's not like you can go somewhere else and get what you need while still considering this a romantic relationship. Some people can do that but it doesn't sound like you'd be comfortable with that.

 

The thing that urged me to respond most though, is that you sell your own needs short. You talk like your needs are trivial and selfish and not worth fulfilling. In the last couple of years I've had to work on this a lot. Honor yourself and your needs. Your need for sexual satisfaction is just as important as your need for security. Your need for emotional intimacy matters just as much as having a unified family. They're equally important, and it's NOT unreasonable or out of the ordinary for you to have both in a loving romantic relationship. And you may not explicitly state "my needs are valid" to your husband when you talk to him, but I'd be surprised if that tendency to minimize your needs doesn't come through in the way you talk about these issues.

 

I didn't think I'd ever be one to offer ultimatums, but the sustained progress we've had in the last half a year in our relationship issues came about because I was finally, well and truly, willing to walk away from the relationship if something didn't change. I went through years of depressive phases, crying, arguing, passive aggressive behavior, general irritation with my bf pretty much all the time. That pattern got progressively worse for 2.5 years or so. I went through all that because I felt like I had to stay. We don't have children though, I understand that changes things. But I think you have to tell yourself that you will leave at a predefined time if you don't get what you need, and really be ok with that decision. Knowing that my life can be different and better without my bf, and that I can have that life whenever I choose, sapped so much of my negative emotional energy out of my approach to these issues. Believing that I have the choice to leave at any time, and being ok with what that choice means for the present and future, has granted me patience, renewed appreciation, and willingness to meet him where he's at so we can work together on our intimacy.

 

Sorry for such a long post, but I hope you find some of this helpful. Good luck.

 

Edit: yikes! My sense of timing is way off. My formal ultimatum " going to leave talk". Was only a couple weeks ago. My timeline may change your perspective on this advice, though I think it still applies. I just don't want to misrepresent my process on this.

Wow.. you are correct. I didnt stop to think that that's what i was doing but your right, I am. I do play down my needs but If you look at the bigger picture, these few needs are small and in a way selfish. Honestly i could have it way worse. I'll come back to that in a few..

I also want to make sure im not going through some midlife crisis.

I honestly kinda feel you sorta do get it.

As for my other options- yes i could ask for that but i personal have always wanted to have that with the person im with, which is why i struggle with even trying to go there. And honestly.. unless im polly (which im not) that would work but in my case (or most peoples case) its simply a bandaid and complicates things more. And i simply think its selfish too.

 

It's not just the sexual. Its the communication or lack off.. I feel these 2 come hand n hand. Because these two things I'm struggling with in our relationship I'm slowly (if not already gone) losing the love i had for him. Or the depth we had. I honestly keep trying to tell myself its a phase I'm going through, but can one go through such a long phase. Lol

So back to my needs. Yes i put my needs on the back burner and do tend to feel its selfish, that said.. you are right i so tend to down play it because i dont see that a good enough reason to effect so many peoples lives especially my children over my need for emotional care. I have a strong feeling (and researched) that many people live the exact life im living because they are comfoetable which isnt so bad. I'm not sure if i am capable or not.

That said.. lets say i decide to leave.. i would want to make sure i can walk away saying i have done everything. I dont want to hurt him. I dont want to hurt my children. Our friends or relatives. Anytime relationships change it effects a lot of people. So really the only thing i haven't tried is a MC. Which i feel its not going to help, i hope it proves me wrong.. but once thats done and i decide to leave.. then comes the process of me leaving. I wont leave until my son graduates. So how do i seperate that relationship without effecting my child. Without him knowing. Ive thought about moving into another room. My biggest issue is not effecting my child over my needs. Ive seen the difference with raising a child with both parents verse.. bouncing between parents. Hes a very rounded child and doing good and i dont want to effect that or change it. He didnt sign up for this. Do you have children with your husband?

I can't just do an ultimatum and leave. I simply won't.. 6 yrs feom now.. i could but currently i cant.

So if i do decide to approach the talk of im done and i want to seperate.. how do i approach that? How do i do that without effecting my children? Is it even possible to seperate and stay here till grad.. doubtful.

Another thought... lets say i open up the thought of a online relationship (again not surei could or that would be enough) how would i approach that. More importantly how could i ask that of my hubby. Isnt that selfish.

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Hi Anah,

 

As an introvert myself, I don't think your husband's introversion has anything to do with him being emotionally open.

 

I do think that his lack of emotional openness is at the crux of your issues though.

I think that's why you see progress for a very short time and then it just stops.

He gets scared to lose you when you make it known that you are unhappy with how things are, opens up for a small amount of time by putting effort in, and then closes up again.

The routines you've both created are emotionally distant and safer for him, and it comes across as lack of caring.

 

I think he'd probably have to lose you or at least feel he has lost you for him to change and realize he needs to stay open to you for this to work.

 

That is just my hunch, and I could be wrong.

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I feel your pain, I almost felt like I was writing this post but have been married longer and no children. I too have been struggling, I just don't know how to fix it. I wish I had advice for you. Just want you to know your not alone. I know some people would say get divorced if your not happy but it's not that easy when you still love and care for them. I don't really want to throw 27 years away. I will be checking in to see how your doing.

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Anah,

 

I feel your pain and the struggle. I am an Extrovert who is married to an Introvert. Almost 25 years for me. I have been contemplating divorce for years. I am also way more sexual than my husband and fear breaking up the family unit.

What I want to say is I get it. I get how you feel, I understand your struggle because he is a "Good" guy and you love him.

I sense that deep down you want to end this relationship but you feel frozen to do so. That's where I'm at also. People on this site have strong opinions about how that should be cut and dry...END it, don't you dare end it (seek counseling), but nothing about relationships is that easy. Especially when children are involved.

 

I too have had "The Talk" with my husband just about every other year about opening up to me more. It feels like talking to a wall. He listens and looks at me and says,"I think everything with us is fine, great. We don't argue. OMG... maybe that's part of the problem. He is also "vanilla" and can't be who he is not. But neither can I or you.

Truth is, we picked our spouse based on many qualities we saw. They have remained the same, believe it or not, perhaps we have changed or realized we played a role, Wife & Mother and now we are looking at the relationship and realizing we want more?

 

One thing I want to caution you on...when your son graduates, you will be looking at just the two of you. If he doesn't do anything with you now, you will be even lonelier when your son is out of the house. That is not going to feel any better, much worse actually.

You want to stay until your son is graduated. I get that, it's the hardest part, I think. Do you think you'll be able to stifle how you are feeling for that long?

 

I felt the same way, fast forward 3 years post the youngest graduating and I am still here, still having a difficult time letting go and asking for a divorce.

My needs, and your needs as well ,should matter. The problem is, how much do we value those needs? People are affected by divorce, not just the couple, but does it have to be a devastating, horrible thing? I don't think it does. I think you can say that we had a great run. We are different people with different needs and personalities and now the time has come to experience life separately.

 

I watched a video about ,"How to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce". It made sense to me. The man talks about not laying blame. Simply stating, "I feel we are not happy and have decided that the marriage needs to end. I won't blame or fight you and I hope you do the same" Then you state I need to give you some time to process things, so I am leaving for the night and I hope we can talk when I return. The way you handle it can make a huge difference. Also, that makes a huge difference in how children react. If the couple is o.k. (of course hurt and sad) but work together and also tell the children that that is what they will do, no fighting, will always be warmth and have love for one another, then it can make all the difference. Of course that takes time and takes both parties being on the same page. But it's a thought process.

 

I am not saying you should divorce but what I know about my own experience in talking and talking and hoping for change, is that BOTH parties have to want it and do it and work it often. That's hard to do for anyone. We all tend to get stuck in who we are, especially the older we get. His needs (Your husband's) may be way different than your needs and sounds like they are.

 

Perhaps you can approach yet another conversation by asking him what his needs are NOW in the relationship. Then state what your REAL needs are NOW in the relationship. Ask him if you two can meet each others needs. He may think he is meeting them fine, but clearly he is not.

 

I do think men respond well to frankness, even when it hurts. I don't think he really knows how serious you may be to possibly end things. You are already planning to when your son graduates. That's a long time to decide whether to hang on when needs are not met.... :(

 

I wish you the best of luck. I hear you love him, I hear you saying it's all so hard, it is! But do decide what are your needs you can live with and what are the ones you can not live without.

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I have heard a lot of advice...For the OP. But I think we should be more real in general.

 

Once again, we have a "Good Man" that is not doing what he needs to do to make his partner happy. (especially sexually)

 

I know that it happens a lot on both the male and female side of the street.

 

For OP - yes he is a good man, good father. But if he and you do not have a sexual and romantic connection, how good of a marriage is it.

 

I can't tell you how many time men and women have written here about their low sex/no sex/vanilla sex relationships.

 

I for one actually am pretty hard nosed about this. As a man, if I am not meeting my partners sexual and emotional needs, I am not doing my job.

 

I think it is wrong for anyone to get so complacent about a relationship that the just, what??, lose interest? I have never understood it. If you love someone I feel you should want to be sexual with them, and you should do whatever they need to meet their needs.

 

So in your situation, if no amount of talking and counseling or therapy will help your husband wake up, you have to think about leaving.

 

Maybe, very slight chance, that he would allow you to have a FWB or an open relationship so that you can get your sexual needs met if he will not.

 

Your children will be affected no matter when you choose to divorce, and you have to ask how much of your life and happiness you are willing to sacrifice for your children. And you have to understand that there will be some affect on them no matter when you make the move.

 

I feel like people in your situation have a right to be happy and sexually fulfilled.

 

On the other hand, being a jerk to your husband because he is lazy or clueless is really not the way to go. Better to get out of the marriage or fix it one way or another...

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