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What am I doing wrong?????

Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 30th September 2017, 12:31 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by D10cat View Post
Ok guys I'm new here .
I have spent countless nights awake reading forums , articles, columns, on the subjects- does my wife still love me , does she find me attractive , how to help her be more sexual , is my wife cheating and anything else along those lines.

Now here is my story .
Me and my wife have been together going on 9 years married 4 of them . Prior to our marriage we use to have great sex and were very intimate with each other . When we got married she was pregnant with our first child( wedding was planned before the pregnancy) from that point forward the sex just about died off .we now have 2 children at 19 months apart (3.5 yrs and 2yrs old). I understand that my wife have had hormones go crazy with the two kids back to back . I do my best to be understanding and caring .
i am struggling with not having sex . I am lucky to get it 1 time a week and it's usually a fight to get that . She would rather sit on Pinterest or watch tv after she gets done saying she is too tired to have sex . I personally could careless about tv when I have my beautiful wife laying next to me even when I'm tired . My wife is a stay at home mom that sleeps till 6am I am up for work at 3:30am and don't get home till around 7pm after running heavy equipment all day . I am usually exhausted but want to make time for us .
I am a vet caring husband and do my best to help my wife with the household chores and lighten her load a little . I do my best to may her feel like she is the most beautiful woman to walk this earth and make it know how attracted I am to her. I stop every couple of weeks and buy her a dozen roses just because I love her . I try so hard to make her want to be intimate with me and none of it works. I have made several trips to the sex shop to get things for the bedroom to try a spark something up and nothing is working . I am at such a loss here . I feel like I give 150% and don't get anything in return . I truly love my wife and want this to get better .
Please any advice would help ( I'm not the best writer , especially after being up 21 hours and depressed over this )
Those births are close together, and while your kids are probably moving to be slightly more independent of her, they are still at that heavily tied in stage that is emotionally draining for a mother. If you don't have any more kids by the time the youngest is 3 1/2 she should be starting to get back to her old self - where she doesn't feel so many demands are being made upon her. The date night is a good suggestion that someone else made.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 7:01 AM   #17
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You need to insist on a date night once a week where you both can get away. If women put their children before the husband, then in most cases, there will be nothing left of the marriage when the kids grow up. Of course this goes for either husband and wife and anything/anyone that they put before their spouse.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 7:11 AM   #18
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She has two kids under 4.
She is most likely scared of getting pregnant again, and that can be a huge libido killer...
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Old 2nd October 2017, 7:28 AM   #19
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I get really tired of people using the excuse that we have kids, can't have sex. Please. Yes you're tired. I raised 3 kids and still wanted sex with my husband. Priorities people. He is trying everything and being rejected. She needs to wake the hell up if she wants Mommy & Daddy to stay together. When people have kids they focus on them and let their relationship slip. If you don't make the couple #1, then there is no family.
Something is amiss here. I call BS. Hormones, tired, etc. yeh but he is doing so many things a lot of men may not do to try.
I feel for you. I am the more sexual in my relationship and it has caused lots of problems.
I think you need to have a very frank discussion with your wife. I think you need to tell her that sex is important to you. I think you need to tell her that your needs are not being met and that you feel hurt and rejected. I think you need to tell her that your relationship needs to take priority and that you have to work on it together, not just you working on it. If she is on board, great. If nothing changes, you need to decide if this is truly someone who loves you.
That sounds harsh, but yes raising kids is tiring, but it shouldn't take everything you've got to give in life. If you have nothing left for your spouse, what kind of relationship is that? I'm not saying give up, you clearly love her, but she has to give here also. If she can't even meet you half way, then you may need to consider if this is the relationship you want long-term. "Not gonna happen". That is so hurtful and blunt.... That speaks volumes to me. She has gotten lazy and started to view sex as a chore, rather than a way to connect with you. She could be depressed, but it's up to her to seek treatment. I don't think many people realize how taking care of kids will affect them. It is a lot, but it should enhance your life too.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 7:52 AM   #20
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Hi. You sound like a decent, hard working dude.

The thing you wrote that stood out to me was her "it's not going to happen" comment.
I know if I am mad and holding something back, that is the type of snappy comment that could easily slip out of my mind without thinking. Please ask her what is wrong because it sounds like she has lots to say and is holding back.

Is it possible she has gained weight or has ugly scarring or something that has her self conscious about her body?

Does she get any girl time? Sent her out with the girls for an evening. Everyone needs adult time. Please don't give up.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 11:53 AM   #21
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I'm just going to say that you sound like a wonderful husband. Your wife is probably very tired but that doesn't excuse ignoring you completely. That said, sex once a week with two small kids is not bad. Plenty of couples in your situation have sex far less.

Unfortunately, this situation is very common. Children often strain the parents' relationship and most people do not consider this before they become parents.
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Old 9th October 2017, 12:39 PM   #22
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When she says "its not going to happen" .. just say that's fine.

The problem is she knows you have the expectation of sex.

My husband used to do this and I didn't feel it was a genuine massage .. just a build up.

I also got irritated that I've been home .. looking after kids all day ... now I'm in the kitchen washing up or cooking dinner and his priority was sex.... it's bloody anannoying ... so I know how she probably feels.

Totally remove the expectation for sex and tje it from there.
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
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