He started a fight in a restaurant -- and then drove off without me!

[divorcesad00]

My fiance and I were eating last night at our favorite restaurant. I had a bad day. I had just finalized new custody arrangements for my son because I am spending more time out of the county -- to live with my fiance.

 

We had talked about moving closer but it would require him taking a lesser paying job.. if he could find one.

 

So, on the same day this became final he gets a call from investors and has a new opportunity -- which again, will keep us committed to living further away from my son (out of his county)

 

I told him I was happy for him but it was hard to swallow. He said I think you are just mad that someone wants to invest in me and you can't control me.

 

I said no! I am just upset that this locks you in for another 5 years. He said you know I think God is giving me a sign, don't you think? All these things happening HERE -- today?

 

I was upset. I said let's go. I paid the bill and as we were walking to the car he said you just hate the fact that I'm going to succeed. I said no, I hate the fact that you are treating me this way. He said something about God giving him signals and this was the biggest sign to him - in all the time we spent together.

 

I said I'm not getting in the car now. I need to walk --we were at an outdoor mall) He said "get in the car". I kept walking. He screamed this is your biggest mistake and he got in and LEFT ME!

 

He immediately called me and said he would come back....but I couldn't believe how evil he was being.

 

I finally got in the car as he was driving through the parking lot I started walking in and the fight escalated. I told him I would leave. I was screaming loudly that he doesn't realize I just gave up more custody -- for THIS?

 

He said that I am out of my mind. That I am just jealous and I could have told him that I was upset about losing custody -- but I need to go about it the right way...for him to have the sympathy I'm looking for...

 

How would you react?

[d0nnivain]

You two certainly don't have good conflict resolution skills. Why do you want to marry a man who thinks that you want him to fail? If he has no faith that you believe in him, you two have no basis for a marriage. For him not to realize that taking a parent away from a child is an emotional issue is incomprehensible to me. Are you sure you want to marry a man with so little compassion?

[divorcesad00]

It certainly hurts and I got in the car once we got home and said I was leaving.

 

I was trying very hard to get the guts to leave -- but I came back.

 

I just keep thinking he hates me -- by this behavior.

 

Last week when I told him that I was feeling guilty he snapped and told me I was no longer welcome in HIS house and he was calling my "bluff" and he was mandating I get my own place near my child.

 

He eventually apologized for that... but I was like WTF?

[anika99]

OP I really never will understand a mom giving up her child for the sake of being with a man. Why would you do that?

 

I think both you and your fiance sound terribly childish and immature. He didn't drive off and leave you. You walked off. It's not his fault you are putting being with a jerk of a man ahead of being with your child. That's your choice and he is obviously lacking in empathy but that is the person you have decided is more important than your kid so I guess you have to live with your decision.

[stillafool]

It sounds like you two aren't going to make it. I agree that you should get a place (not near your child) but for you and your child. You don't need a MAN but your child needs YOU! Why do some women put a MAN before their CHILD???? No he didn't leave you. You acted childish and didn't want to get in the car. I would have drove away and not come back.

[anika99]

It certainly hurts and I got in the car once we got home and said I was leaving.

 

I was trying very hard to get the guts to leave -- but I came back.

 

I just keep thinking he hates me -- by this behavior.

 

Last week when I told him that I was feeling guilty he snapped and told me I was no longer welcome in HIS house and he was calling my "bluff" and he was mandating I get my own place near my child.

 

He eventually apologized for that... but I was like WTF?

 

Really if somebody was telling me that they felt guilt for choosing me over their child I would probably tell them they need to go be with their kid. I wouldn't let them place their guilt on me. Based on the way you and your fiance behave it's highly doubtful that the two of you will be together forever. You're going to wind up with no man and no kid.

[divorcesad00]

I understand that -- the issue was that he said I either moved to be with him or he would leave me (back then). He said he couldn't handle the travel any longer...

 

So, yes, I feel guilt and I am angry that he gets mad when I drive to go be with my son....if he can't come along (if he's working). He truly gets upset that I'm going to soccer practices etc...because he thinks I'll be there alone with my ex husband...who also guilts me over leaving.

[d0nnivain]

I understand that -- the issue was that he said I either moved to be with him or he would leave me (back then). He said he couldn't handle the travel any longer...

 

So, yes, I feel guilt and I am angry that he gets mad when I drive to go be with my son....if he can't come along (if he's working). He truly gets upset that I'm going to soccer practices etc...because he thinks I'll be there alone with my ex husband...who also guilts me over leaving.

 

Don't get married. Your FI doesn't trust you. For him to think that you are doing wrong by spending time with your child, is no basis for a healthy loving relationship.

[SammySammy]

It sounds like you two aren't going to make it. I agree that you should get a place (not near your child) but for you and your child. You don't need a MAN but your child needs YOU! Why do some women put a MAN before their CHILD???? No he didn't leave you. You acted childish and didn't want to get in the car. I would have drove away and not come back.

 

I would have driven away and left her there also. Don't have time to play those childish games with grown women.

 

I have a feeling there's much more to this story. We're only getting her side which is obviously quite biased.

 

Probably wouldn't make much difference in my final opinion though. I think they should just go their separate ways. There's too much craziness already and neither seems to be particularly stable at this point. Just break up, get your life together, then seek a relationship without all of the emotional upheaval.

[knabe]

I understand that -- the issue was that he said I either moved to be with him or he would leave me (back then). He said he couldn't handle the travel any longer...

 

So, yes, I feel guilt and I am angry that he gets mad when I drive to go be with my son....if he can't come along (if he's working). He truly gets upset that I'm going to soccer practices etc...because he thinks I'll be there alone with my ex husband...who also guilts me over leaving.

 

Yeah....this is a HIM problem. He's a jerk. With little to no self control.

 

Dump him and move back to your kid.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I know this is just a tiny peak into your relationship but it doesn't take a genius to see huge red flags and problems moving forward with this guy.

 

I agree, as a mother myself, I'm incapable of understanding how any parent can give up custody of their child for a man/woman their dating.

 

As far as I see it, this would have been the deal breaker. I would never allow a man to tear me away from my child and then treat me with such disrespect and gross immaturity.

[MidwestUSA]

Has it been two years now or three? And how many usernames?

 

You know what you need to do, but won't. Have you gotten into therapy?

[Redhead14]

Frankly, I think his guy was looking for an out anyway. He's been thinking you aren't going to give up seeing your children so he's kinda off the hook and when it became clear that you were freeing yourself up and finally setting the stage, he needed to do something to negate it so he took job that extended the LD for another 5 years!!! This guy doesn't/didn't want to marry you. He's been letting you string yourself along.

[olivetree]

There is a 99% chance that what you're doing is going to cause lasting psychological damage to your child, who is going to have abandonment issues and difficulty letting people get close.

 

Ditch this toxic relationship and step up to your role as a mother.

[MidwestUSA]

There is a 99% chance that what you're doing is going to cause lasting psychological damage to your child, who is going to have abandonment issues and difficulty letting people get close.

 

Ditch this toxic relationship and step up to your role as a mother.

 

Her ex has the son most of the time, and has since she walked out be with this fiancé. He was seven or eight at the time, so I'd imagine the abandonment train is rolling on its rails.

 

Pretty sure the fiancé is jealous of any time she spends with her own kid, and puts a stop to it whenever he can (I think she's three hours from her kid now). OP is dealing with a control freak of the highest degree, and it's my belief she enjoys the drama.

[dichotomy]

I married a woman with a child. Since I loved her (and her child) I would have never put her custody, visitation or general relationship with her child in a worse way - for my own gain.

 

I have had plenty of opportunities (before we had our own kids) to have moved across the country and accept a job with a big tech company. I could not since the custody arrangements. Never regretted it (okay maybe a tiny bit) and happy with my choice.

 

My view is when you marry a person with kids - your kind of accepting a role in your spouses kids life and betterment - on some level - whether thats a parent (step) or as a general positive adult influence upon their lives.

 

 

I have had one or two bad arguments like this - in my first marriage my wife got so mad she left the car and walked home. It was about a year before she cheated on me and left....... This was before Uber and Lyft.

Edited September 7, 2017 by dichotomy