moneymoney Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 Need advice. I've been engaged to a man for 2 years. When I met him he was very successful. Since then, he has unraveled. He took too much vacation to travel to my work trips etc. He eventually got fired. he also got a bad reputation online because of some of this and he hasn't been able to get a new salaried position (he says) because he ruined his reputation because of ME!! At the end of the day, he blames me for 80 percent of it. For me, I was struggling financially after moving in with him. I left my job to be with him. But, I built up a business quickly and I have been doing well. He's 50. I'm 39. I have fought for every. single. thing. I've earned. I am a survivor. I have no money in the bank and i've emptied my retirement to help him. But I am still earning. He isn't. He has about 200k in the bank/retirement. I have 1800 dollars. He has no positive net income at the moment. I have more than 6 figures a year. He seems to resent me for it. Bottom line, it's a mess. Case in point #1. He's broke. He wants me to give him all of my income. He says he needs it all to pay all the bills, including his mortgage and taxes. (No he won't put my name on anything...including the power bill zero.) My request to do that included him saying he thought I was after his assets. He said that I should TRUST and believe -- and if I didn't have any plans to leave him after being married -- I wouldn't ask these questions. He's said he wants to get married thorugh the Catholic Church. He's said this for over a year. He said that he wants them to meet with us and go through the steps. He's been married twice before. (I have been married once). I have asked him many times over the last 6 months to set up meeting with the church. He has not. He says he has been too busy. He doesn't even go to church. I can't believe this is a problem for him. His second marriage was not done through the Catholic church either. She was an atheist. they were married for 8 years. He says that if I can pay his mortgage and bills it would prevent him from moving out of state. I have a child here so I can't move. He says that if he's going to get a salaried job, it will either be Starbucks or he will move out of state. He says I'm welcome to come but he may not be able to choose based on IF i can go. Unless...i help support him...and that could STILL fail. He literally told me today that he may not even be able to pay the power bill at the house.. if I don't start giving more. I offered to support him 100 percent, but If he's not working and filing bankruptcy etc... he would need to move with me closer to my son's school. I said if I'm supporting us -- i want to do it around my business and my child. Otherwise, I'm not going to pay for his house, his bills, his business - further away from my child and work. it makes no sense. Case in point #2. I travel once every month or so for work. He has known I have a work conference coming up next month. He told me I must pay for him to go. AND if I don't - he says he will know I'm just looking to leave him and find another man who might be a millionaire. He said "at this point, what does it matter? You are gonna do what you are gonna do..." I said how much sense does it make for me to take you away from your business and pay 600 dollars from your airfare -- to be at conference where you make zero and complain I'm dragging you away. he said that's fine. I knew this is what you would do. You want to go meet a millionaire.I got it. I said NO! You said you are losing the house. Not paying electric bill and you are going to use the 600 of my income for airfare to keep you off work (not making money) for 3 days? He said this is your choice babe. The writing is on the wall. You are on your way out. You are pretty clear by your actions. He says actions speak louder than words. He has destroyed his career and life by following me and showing his love for being with me....and I have destroyed him in the process. What do I do? I do love him and I have tremendous guilt? Link to post Share on other sites
JHandy Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 Call engagement off. Stop funding him. Let him move out. You can do lots better than the slug you live with. Sorry. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author moneymoney Posted September 4, 2017 Author Share Posted September 4, 2017 It's his house. I will have to move out. He will sell his house and probably move away and make a lot of money. But right now -- he wants me to support him but only in HIS house. HIS mortgage. I really wish he would follow me to be near me, my family and my employer. I'LL PAY our bills! I just don't want to pay HIS bills and mortgage. It just doesn't seem fair...if we aren't married. Am I selfish? Link to post Share on other sites
Frostedflake Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 Am I selfish? No.. you're naive. Your worry is that once you leave him that he'll do better? If he had the motivation to do better, HE WOULD. He wants a free ride on your dollar is what he wants. If someone obliges to pay all your bills and gives you access to all their money why would that motivate you to get another job? It wouldn't. You'd already have all you wanted without the stress of work. And trust me, his ego would still be full intact because he'd know you thought he was worth footing the bill for. Get out. Seriously. He's not going to do or be better with you leaving. He's going to beg and grovel and show you what a limbo champ he is. I'm getting the guy can sink pretty low. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 I'd let him move away and be thankful he became a manipulative blame shifting bum BEFORE you made the colossal mistake of marrying him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 You are not selfish but you are making nutty decisions. You didn't cause him to lose his job. He failed to come to work. A marriage is a partnership. He's not holding up his end. Let him go. Find a guy who wants to work with you not one who emotionally blackmails you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 Sorry, but he is a grown man and as such, HE is responsible for the fact that he made some poor decisions and lost his job. HE is the one who is recklessly irresponsible with money. To be honest, I stopped reading after the first few paragraphs. I stopped reading because I could not stand the fact that he is guilting you into supporting him financially and you are accepting that guilt. And, I stopped reading because the only answer is that you need to leave this man and stop financing his living and travel expenses. If you are a survivor, you will leave this man because it is what you MUST do to protect your financial best interest and future wellbeing. People will only treat you badly if you let them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 It's his house. I will have to move out. He will sell his house and probably move away and make a lot of money. But right now -- he wants me to support him but only in HIS house. HIS mortgage. I really wish he would follow me to be near me, my family and my employer. I'LL PAY our bills! I just don't want to pay HIS bills and mortgage. It just doesn't seem fair...if we aren't married. Am I selfish? No, what do you stand to benefit if you pay his mortgage? Absolutely nothing! Do not marry this man or he will ruin you financially. Do not pay his bills. Marriage is a partnership where both partners contribute and support each other. This guy wants to be a dependant. And, you are willing to let him be a dependent if you volunteer to pay the mortgage and his bills. Get real. Move out and let him move away... thank your lucky stars that you dodged this bullet before you married this guy... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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