Spouse Wants Benefits Of Life Without Assisting

[TopsyLove]

My spouse wanted a typical life with a wife, house, and kids. A little sooner than I wanted, but his life plan sounded good. When we got married we agreed on doing everything in our life as 50/50 as possible, a partnership.

 

Now that we're married my spouse says he didn't realize how hard everything would be. In our household I was remodeling the house (physically by myself), doing the yard work, running errands, cooking, cleaning, planning events, buying his clothes, initiating sex, training his dog, etc. I also have a career job and am in school. I couldn't do it anymore, I wasn't getting enough sleep at night to function well.

 

2 years ago I tried sitting him down and asking for help, he did start doing the dishes. 1 year ago I hit my limit and stopped doing *everything*. Now the yard is dying, he got rid of the dog, we don't have sex, we don't do anything outside of the house, etc.

 

What do we do? I'm too tired to do it all myself. He says the work is too hard and I should accept what he can do.

[BaileyB]

The better question is, why are you allowing this grown man to live as a dependent in your home? Not to be dismissive of your concerns, but if this was my husband, he would be searching for a new address...

[preraph]

Just divorce this guy. If you lived alone, you wouldn't have nearly as much to do because you could just mostly keep from messing the house up and also live in a smaller place that was easy to clean. You could keep working and hire a maid once a month if you wanted to. This guy is checked out. Wouldn't you just have more peace of mind and tranquility without him in the picture. He doesn't give a crap about you, only himself.

[BaileyB]

And, it will only get worse when you have children...

 

You will be more tired, and you will feel more resentment toward your husband.

[amaysngrace]

Honey you're not a wife, you're a servant

[d0nnivain]

Does he have any idea of who will do this stuff if it's too hard for him & you stop? If he's willing to pay somebody else to do some of the chores that would be one thing but you need to read him the riot act sooner rather than later.

[GemmaUK]

He sounds like a toddler.

 

He has made it clear that it's all too hard for him.

Just reciprocate and tell him it's too hard to live with a fully grown man who takes no responsibility for himself and has no consideration for you.

Then leave.

[Steve51]

The answer is simple and keeps to your agreement. You divorce him and split all of your assets 50/50, just like you want.

[5x5]

He says the work is too hard and I should accept what he can do.

 

I agree that being married is too hard for him, you should accept this and release him from his burden.

[Els]

A few things here:

 

1. Unfortunately your spouse does seem to be a bit of a deadbeat who isn't interested in putting in any effort. It's possible that this is just who he is and that there's nothing that can be done about it besides divorcing him (this is also why I am a supporter of living together for a good amount of time before marrying, as I think you would have noticed all of this if you'd done that, but I digress).

 

2. It does however seem to me that you're piling a lot of potentially unnecessary stuff on. Does your house absolutely NEED to be remodelled? Do you absolutely NEED a proper yard? Those are all nice-to-haves but to some people they are just unnecessary work. If you're both having trouble coping, it would be good to look at ways for cutting down the work needed. Having a nice-looking yard is really not worth sacrificing your mental health or a marriage or sex life for IMO.

 

3. Stop approaching it as him "assisting" or "helping" you. That may well be the case if you are a SAHM and he is the sole breadwinner, but if you both work the same number of hours then housework is a joint responsibility. Him doing housework isn't him "assisting" you, it's him doing his job. Don't use that word with him in the future.

[shellybing]

My spouse wanted a typical life with a wife, house, and kids. A little sooner than I wanted, but his life plan sounded good. When we got married we agreed on doing everything in our life as 50/50 as possible, a partnership.

 

Now that we're married my spouse says he didn't realize how hard everything would be. In our household I was remodeling the house (physically by myself), doing the yard work, running errands, cooking, cleaning, planning events, buying his clothes, initiating sex, training his dog, etc. I also have a career job and am in school. I couldn't do it anymore, I wasn't getting enough sleep at night to function well.

 

2 years ago I tried sitting him down and asking for help, he did start doing the dishes. 1 year ago I hit my limit and stopped doing *everything*. Now the yard is dying, he got rid of the dog, we don't have sex, we don't do anything outside of the house, etc.

 

What do we do? I'm too tired to do it all myself. He says the work is too hard and I should accept what he can do.

 

You should accept what he can do and what he is willing to do.

 

If you don't like it, you have the option of leaving.

(I say this with the utmost seriousness and I am not trying to be snarky)

 

If he chooses to not uphold his end of the deal, then you have every right to leave him.

 

We all need a break sometime though, my first suggestion would be to hire a gardener and a handyman to take care of things and get rid of extra stressors that are un necessary at the moment.

See some friends. Have a bbq or a pot luck at your home.

do not buy another dog. dogs are alot of work and stress.

 

it sounds to me like you are both just exhausted and stressed out.

take a vacation.

[Els]

 

We all need a break sometime though, my first suggestion would be to hire a gardener and a handyman to take care of things and get rid of extra stressors that are un necessary at the moment.

 

I agree, if that is an option financially, that would be the best place to start. Heck even hire a cleaner and eat out sometimes if you can afford it.

 

As much as people like to tout the virtues of "doing everything yourself", IMO that's not realistic if both people are working full-time. Sure, it's technically "doable", but usually at a cost, either to your relationship or to your health or sanity. There just isn't enough time in a day, and some people hit their limits faster than others.

[somanymistakes]

There have been some studies published recently claiming that (if you can afford it, obviously) paying someone else to do your chores and get that burden off you so that you have more time to enjoy yourself makes people happier in the long run than saving the money and doing all the grunt work yourself.

 

There aren't enough hours in the day to do everything yourself.

[zinnia9876]

I agree with the previous posters. Your relationship has become all about the chores. Do you remember why you fell in love with him? What attracted you to him? Have you tried going out on a date just to enjoy each other's company?

[BluEyeL]

You just need to do less and let go more. I was looking at my yard, yeah I need to pull some weeds, husband won't do it, he just doesn't see the need. So I won't do it either. That's just an example.

 

Perhaps go to therapy and learn to let go a bit more and relax. There was a useful book I read about this, I forgot the title right now, I'll write again if I remember. The book is a bit un-feminist but basically tells you to stop doing so much and worrying about stuff and leave the lazy husband alone to be lazy.

[BettyDraper]

You just need to do less and let go more. I was looking at my yard, yeah I need to pull some weeds, husband won't do it, he just doesn't see the need. So I won't do it either. That's just an example.

 

Perhaps go to therapy and learn to let go a bit more and relax. There was a useful book I read about this, I forgot the title right now, I'll write again if I remember. The book is a bit un-feminist but basically tells you to stop doing so much and worrying about stuff and leave the lazy husband alone to be lazy.

 

"The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle?

I love that book except for a few suggestions.

I don't believe in surrendering if a husband is being irresponsible and selfish.

[GorillaTheater]

He says the work is too hard and I should accept what he can do.

 

 

I agree with everyone else that this guy sounds pretty worthless, but I want to rule out any possible medical condition underlying the problem. Anything you're aware of, Topsy? Could that be a possibility?

[BluEyeL]

"The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle?

I love that book except for a few suggestions.

I don't believe in surrendering if a husband is being irresponsible and selfish.

 

Yes, that's it. There are some crazy suggestions there, but there are some good ones too. I don't like that she makes it sound like the husband is always a poor guy with the best intentions in the world:laugh: Not always the case. But she has a few good points there.

[Just a Guy]

Coming to the OP's problem, I think she has been given a lot of good advice. Her husband seems a laid back bum who isn't even interested in sex! Maybe the OP should get a Friend with benefits who will help around the house and replace her husband in every way. If the husband complains she can always tell him she has outsourced his functions to someone else to save on emotional capital! However, seriously, either the husband gets his act together and makes a team with his wife or alternatively he should leave gracefully and set her free to find herself a more compatible partner. The present arrangement just cannot continue. Warm wishes.

Edited August 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Els]

Hi Folks, I find it surprising that's it's only the ladies responding to the OP's post with only one gent(Steve) being the exception. Had this post been written by a man I'm sure many more gentlemen would be scrambling to respond. I wonder why?

 

I'm pretty sure GorillaTheater is a guy. I think somanymistakes and 5x5 are guys, too?

 

But yes, there are a lot of men who complain about a lot of things women do (especially that their partner doesn't want to have sex with them) that are always conspiciously missing from threads like this.

[somanymistakes]

Not a guy lol, just a bit weird in my habits!

[Els]

Not a guy lol, just a bit weird in my habits!

 

Oops, sorry!

[lucy_in_disguise]

Yes, your husband might be lazy, but it seems like there is also a lot of miscommunication going on in your marriage. Miscommunication about your priorities and division of labor.

 

First, you need to decide what is truly important to you. I would wager that a big remodeled house is not a high priority for your husband based on his behaivior. Is it really non-negotiable for you? If so, you may need to accept that it's your project, and to stop expecting his help. If the house is something you decided and embarked on together, it's time to re-evaluate where it falls in relation to your other priorities, like spending time together. Perhaps a big clean house is not that important after all. Or maybe it is, but it's possible to outsource some of the labor related to the upkeep.

 

We all have a limited amount of time and resources, and have to choose how to spend our precious time and money. Before you write your husband off as lazy, please consider what actually needs to get done, what you are willing/ able to pay for, and what is not truly important. If you can get aligned on your priorities, you should have a more manageable to-do list for discussion.

[zinnia9876]

@TopsyLove, how are things going with your husband?

[wmacbride]

You have a question to answer.

 

Do you want to stay married to this guy? If no, then start the divorce process.

 

If you want to stay married, you and he are going to have to have a serious talk about your situation, as if you don't its going to become untenable and you'll both be miserable.

 

Instead of asking him to help out around the house give him specific things that need to be done. If he complains that he's too tired, then let him know you were doing before, and are just fine.

 

If he still reuses to listen, you could try writing down everything you do, everything he does and show him the comparison.

 

About the yard and remodeling. Are these as important to him as they are to you? If not, then you might have to do those yourself. Better yet, if these are tasks you really feel need to be done but don't have the time or energy to do them, hire and landscape maintenance firm or even a couple of local kids to mow, prune, weed, edge, etc.

 

If that still isn't a solution, you might consider moving to a condo or other home that requires less maintenance.