My husband gets angry over money (very long Thread)

[Chloe5371]

Hi. Sorry for the LONG thread but I'm really desperate right now.

My husband and I have been living together for 2 years. He came to the USA from another country to be with me after we got married. He left his family, job and everything. He has a degree in Computers so he should be able to find a good job here easily and make good money. The problem is that he doesn't speak English fluently and professional jobs require him to speak good English. Obviously things are not easy at the beginning when you come from another country but I feel like he's not doing his role as a husband.

 

He has a job right now but he's on call so he only works certain days a week and this job doesn't require him to speak a lot of English so that's why he's there. However, he's not looking for something else to do besides that and he complains that he doesn't want to do jobs that require too much of him. He wants an easy job and since he has a degree he doesn't want to make sacrifices because he's a University graduate so he won't lower himself to do miserable jobs. I completely understand this but his job in computers has been hard to find because he's not fluent in English and he has little experience working in USA.

 

Right now I have a stable part time job plus I'm taking care of the house work at home (clean, cook, do laundry). I never ask him to do

anything but at least I want him to do his job as a husband, which is to take care of my needs. Is that too much to ask? Well, the problem is that I can't ask him for anything that has to do with money because he wants to save every penny we make since we don't make any extra money. All the money that I'm making right now at my job goes for the rent and bills. I'm not allowed to spend it for myself because my husband starts getting angry and paranoid.

 

I barely ask him for anything and if I do it's never it's no more than $ 20 dollars. For example, if I ever want to do something such as do my nails professionally once in a while that's a waist of money for my husband, even if I only go every 3 months.

For my birthday, I had to ask my family (including my husband) for money instead of gifts since I can never buy anything with freedom and it's always a problem. So I saved that money in my purse to use it whenever I needed it without having to deal with my husband. Just recently I told my husband I was going to buy a shirt I saw in Amazon with the money I had saved in my purse and he flipped out!!! He said with an angry tone: "Why do you always think about spending money?"

 

I swear I BARELY spend on ANYTHING and I don't know where he gets that from. I can't spend EVER since he never allows me to. I'm really losing my patience with him because I can't live like this!!!! I also told him I was thinking of getting a facial with my birthday money too. I like to take care of my skin and I almost never do facials so I thought of doing one. Again, he also didn't like this. He says I use money for things that are useless. So he not only wants me to save each penny but he also criticizes the way I spend money. And this is not the worst part. Right now it's summer and it's super hot (we live in California) and he won't turn on the A/C at home AT ALL, not even for 2 hours. Why? because we need to save money.

 

So he bought a fan that only blows hot air, He doesn't care if he sees me sweating like a pig and that's the way he wants us to live. Even doing grocery shopping is a struggle because he's always on a super tight budget.

 

I'm EXTREMELY worried because this is not the lifestyle I was expecting. He tells me that when he gets a good job and makes enough money things will change. But I don't know when that will happen and in the mean time, I won't be able to use money with freedom but continue working to only pay bills. We have a joint account and I've told him I don't feel comfortable and prefer separate accounts but it always ends up in an argument because he says it shouldn't be that way.

 

That we're married, therefore we need to have a joint account. I'm already thinking that if we have babies, he will also get angry if our kids ask for toys and my life would be a living hell if things don't change and he doesn't take responsibility to work hard since he chose to get married and have a family. Right now I'm starting to look for a full time job because I can't wait until he finds his dream job to have a normal life.

 

But I'm scared he will take advantage of me and continue to complain every time I want to use money for anything. By the way, he has money saved up that he brought from his country. It's a lot. I would say about 20k but he says that he doesn't want to touch it because it's for us to buy a house in the future. Why did he got married then if he can't fulfill my needs? He won't touch his savings and not work harder either. He's just comfortable because I'm giving him all the money I make so he doesn't have to worry about anything. I just feel like I'm losing my patience because I can't go on like this for too long.

 

If I ever decide to end this marriage it would also be a disaster because he made the sacrifice to leave his country and I will be the bad girl if I leave him. His family hates me because they were never happy with his decision of coming here and they barely speak to me. So if I end things, they will think I was an ungrateful wife who is materialistic (I'm that's what he'll tell everyone).

I feel like I'm living a nightmare and I can't get out. What do you think about this? :lmao:

Edited August 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[somanymistakes]

Is English your first language? I'm just checking because there are some very strange things in your post that I might be misinterpreting tone-wise.

 

It sounds like times are tough for your marriage, but the way you describe it, it seems like you are both to blame. You seem to think that it's your husband's responsibility to take care of absolutely everything moneywise and "take care of you" and give you whatever you want without effort on your part. That's not fair to him, particularly as it is NOT easy to immigrate and struggle with a foreign language and try to "provide" alone. You talk about the "lifestyle you were expecting", this does make you sound very spoiled and greedy.

 

He, on the other hand, doesn't seem to realize that trying to save every single penny over time is demoralizing. You DO need to have some fun or you will go nuts. Even a tiny amount of money that you can spend as YOU see fit with NO COMMENT from him is important.

 

Have you two sat down and talked about budgets? You should be allowed to set aside a little bit of money for yourself each month to do with as you choose without having to ask him. If he wants to save all of his, that's his choice.

 

I hope you are using birth control because getting pregnant now would be a disaster.

[d0nnivain]

As a preliminary matter what is he doing to improve his English?

 

Will he sit down with you to budget, including a line item for your needs? If not, you need to really consider whether this man loves you or simply wants to control you. Talking about money & to come extent sharing money are difficult but it's required if you are to have a solid marriage where both contribute.

[amaysngrace]

I hope that the money he's saved is in a joint account. If it isn't then you should ask him to do that since now you are married.

 

But why do you need to have your nails done if you work from your sweaty home?

[basil67]

Why aren't you working full time?

[RecentChange]

Is he taking classes to improve his English?

[travelbug1996]

You give him all your money?? uh why??

[basil67]

I find it odd that you expect him to support you financially. Especially as you're not (to my knowledge) raising children. Are you of a culture where this is the norm in a marriage?

[BettyDraper]

What made you decide to marry a man who doesn't have similar goals and the same approach to finances?

 

Is there any reason why your husband cannot learn English to improve his earning potential?

 

It's not fair that you have separate accounts yet you give him all of your money. It seems like he's taking advantage of you and being very controlling about money which he didn't even earn.

[Chloe5371]

I think some of you misunderstood what I tried to say. I know we both have responsibilities and I never mentioned anything about not wanting to take responsibility. I even said that the money that I'm esrning is all going to our bills and rent. And his money too. The problem here is I CAN'T USE THAT MONEY for myself. If I want something, my husband gets paranoid and crazy and I don't think its normal. I know he might be worried he doesn't have a good job yet but it's not like I'm asking him for anything expensive. I ask for cheap things once in a while but I have to almost beg for them. Is this fair when I'm working? And its been for 2 years since he came here. How much longer should I allow this?

Someone said why do I want to do my nails if I have to work? What's wrong with wanting to take care of myself and look good because I'm a woman. It's not all the time I want to do them but once in a while. I don't know why I have to even give explanations on how I want to spend money. Everyone is different. I like doing my nails. So what??? Do i have to quit just because I got married???

He's improving his English by just talking to people and with cds we bought to practice. I didn't had a full time job yet because my job is stable and I don't want to risk being unemployed in a time like this but now I'm going to look for a full time job and hope that things will change and he won't get upset every time I want to buy something.

I'm kind of amazed on how some of you think I want to be spoiled. What do you think about what I said regarding my birthday? He gave me money and other people too and when I wanted to use it he also got mad. And you're telling me I'm spoiled?? I need to stand up for myself and not let him treat me like this.

This happened recently and it got me really concerned. That's why I wanted to ask for advice. I can't go any longer like this. I'm okay with having joint accounts as long as it's FAIR and not the way he's doing things. I've tried talking and it hasn't helped because he has another mindset. All he cares about is saving.

[Trail Blazer]

From a guy's perspective, I'd say he's fully aware of the ramifications, but he's just stressed. Men often clam up when stressed and depending on what country he came from, his culture is probably one of not talking about what's stressing him out because it shows a sign of weakness.

 

I know that I find it hard to tell my wife what's on my mind because women don't like hearing how their men are stressed and not in control. As long as he's quiet he can still give off the impression he's still in control and that his efforte will translate to success at some point. If he gave you a reason to not cling to hope, imagine how miserable you'd be then.

 

I can't imagine a well qualified man would bide his time indefinitely just because he had a language barrier. Perhaps his communication is not that great, so he's not telling you his plans? He could be planning in his own mind to go for an IT job when he has overcome some mental barriers. It woukd be tough having to learn a whole new language on top of a whole new culture.

 

I don't begrudge you wanting basic feminine requirements, but you are coming across as very bitter and entitled. Until you have children, is there anything preventing you from working full time? Your husband might think you're not supporting him because you won't even bridge the gap from his lack of earnings and givd him a break so he can settle in and find a job which he is qualified to do.

 

To me, he's being responsible fiscally, and you are less so, because your entitlement is not enabling you to analyze the situation for what it is. Perhaps you husband is being short and sharp with you because he feels as though he's needlessly having to justify his position when, in his mind, it's pretty obvious.

 

I think you need to get a full-time job, continue to support your husband in learning English and American/Western culture, but negotiate a compromise whereby you get to spend a little more of what you earn, he helps a little more around the house, and you back off from him a little and convey a bit more a supportive and less whiney attitude.