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Wife gave me some shocking info about her past


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First off I want to say that I've been lurking around on this forum reading several postings and replies and the members of this forum seem to be very genuine and honest with their answers so I joined a few days ago.

 

My wife and I have been together for 24 years, we dated for a year before we got married. We are both our in our mid 50's and this is our 3rd marriage for the both of us. We have always been happy and loving to each other with no major fights as we always seem to be on the same page. I guess our sex life is normal, we tend to have sex 3 or 4 times a week and it is just as great now as it was from the beginning, actually better because I remember my wife said in the beginning that she just thought sex was done in the plain vanilla missionary position and that I introduced her to a lot of new positions.

Now, with that being said when we were dating and when we realized we were getting serious we had the talk about past relationships and the different sex partners that we had and we had about the same number but my wife did say at the time there was a 6 month stretch that she was drunk and that she didn't count that. I did wonder about it for just a couple of months but she never mention it again and I just forgot about it and we got married, we have owned a couple of businesses and have always worked together. We love to be with each other everyday, we never need time away from one another.

Now, about 4 months ago when we were out to dinner out of the blue my wife said that the 6 months that she never counted she use to work for a escort service and went on many dinner dates. She said that she never had sex from the dinner dates because she already had her money but she free lanced and did have sex for money with other guys. I just looked at her in shock and didn't say anything and then she said "wouldn't you do it for $500?" I said "what!" and she said that a gal had to pay her bills, at that time she was a single mother of 2. All I could say at the time was that it happened 13 years before we met and it didn't matter to me.

Well, after a few days of it sinking in I asked her if it really happened and if so how many guys? She said she did do it, and she didn't remember the number but if she had to guess she said probably around 15, she said she had many repeats. I got a little upset and asked her why after 24 years is she now bringing this into our marriage? She said that she wanted to get it off her chest. I told her that I didn't think it was bothering her for the last 24 years and it sounded more like she was bragging. She then told me that she thought she could tell me anything and I told her she could but something like this if she was planning on telling me should have been said early on in our relationship and that she just clouded my memories of us.

 

After a few more days I was really hurting for what she said. I have never felt hurt, jealous or insecure since I've been with her, she has never done anything to hurt me. I was so upset that I told her I had a couple of things that I was never going to tell her because it also happened many years before we met and that I thought it didn't belong here but since she wanted to clear the air I told her what I had kept from her. My past happened about 7 years before we met while I was single between marriages. I did have a sexual relationship with a married women for a few months and she was okay with that but when I told her that I had these gals that use to come by my house once or twice a week for a 3some she kind of was shocked. It went on for about 5 months and one night they showed up with a girlfriend that just broke up with her boyfriend and they wanted to show her a good time so we did and my wife asked me if I screwed all three, well, yes. Well, my wife just freaked out a little. My wife finally said that she wished that she didn't open that can of worms and that we should just bury it and not talk about it anymore and I'm okay with that but, I told her that once you say something you can't take it back.

 

We haven't spoken about any of this for about 3 months and she seems normal, she's the happy, loving women that I have always known. Now me on the other hand, I'm still a little shook up over it, you know, feelings and emotions are screwed up. In the past 4 months I have lost almost 50 lbs. and I'm not sleeping very well. I guess I have hidden it pretty good, my wife thinks my weight lost is from me wanting to lose weight because before all of this happened I started eating better but it's not. I can't talk to her about it because I did try one time right after and she got mad and said if I keep thinking about it that it will eat at me and that I just need to forget it.

 

Hard to just forget. I still don't understand why she would bring something up like that after we have been together for 24 years and it happened 13 years before we met.

So, how can I cope with this?

It does hurt and I know she never meant to hurt me, I just don't want these feelings to screw up what we have because we do have a beautiful relationship and we care for one another very much. She seems to have put it all behind her and I feel like I should be able to also, I just think it might take me a little more time.

 

Any ideas on how I can cope with this? Any words of wisdom to ease the pain and shock? I know when I look at her I do feel different and I hope it not permanent.

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She said that she never had sex from the dinner dates because she already had her money but she free lanced and did have sex for money with other guys. I just looked at her in shock and didn't say anything and then she said "wouldn't you do it for $500?" I said "what!" and she said that a gal had to pay her bills, at that time she was a single mother of 2. All I could say at the time was that it happened 13 years before we met and it didn't matter to me.

 

 

 

Other than your W neglecting to tell you before you put the ring on her finger that she was a street corner prostitute I don't have a lot more to add. What she did before you M is not something you could control However what she did and how she keep this piece of trivia from you is your concern and you have to deal with it as you warrant. I myself would feel cheated that I was in a M where all the cards were not on the table so your M has basically been played with a few cards missing from the deck.

I don't know if it would be worth digging any deeper as I don't think you would find much worse than you already have.

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As they say. "Even 50 years after marriage your wife/husband can still do something you never would have seen coming in a million years". You can never truly know someone 100%. That's almost common knowledge when getting married. Sorry if you didnt know man.

But ey at least she finally told you even if took a lot of years, then again it shows how little you guys really have really deep or intimate conversations if you never knew.

But its over man. She didnt do it while you were married. She was just desperate and willing to do anything for her kids. Take it as a good sign that she is really passionate for what she truly feels she has to do in life. Like you said yourself. She is a amazing wife apart from everything else. Don't hate her for it man. I bet she feels a lot worse about it than you do.

Just live with it and move on and hump her brains out and be happy that even with all the pain and guilt she had she loved you more than enough to really wanna forget about it all. Don't turn into a child by throwing things like "i had a threesome once" back in her face. But yeah like you said. You can't take it back. So forget about it and move on

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I myself would feel cheated that I was in a M where all the cards were not on the table so your M has basically been played with a few cards missing from the deck..

 

OK but was she not "cheated" too when he failed to tell her about his affair with the married woman, the regular threesomes and the foursomes...

 

At least she had an "excuse" for her behaviour, being a single mother of two she will have found it difficult to pay bills and feed her kids and she did what she thought was best at the time.

What's his "excuse" for his promiscuous behaviour?? Or does he not need one being a man?

Don't turn into a child by throwing things like "i had a threesome once" back in her face.

Too late he just did.
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Too late he just did.

Yeah lol. Worst part is he thought she was bragging so he did just that like most guys would do with guy friends.

 

Sht happens. Move on ?.

 

Remember that reminding her or going back to that conversation to discuss things now will make everything worse. So seriously OP move on

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Are you more upset that it happened or that she didnt tell you? If the problem is that it happened, what about that bothers you? And does it make you see her differently now that you know?

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She's the same woman you've been loving for 24 years. Nothing has really changed except you're now aware of something you weren't. She had been a former escort all along.

 

I'm not sure why things like this are a shock to men. Telling you she was "drunk for six months that didn't count" was a clue. You should have assumed the worst at that point.

 

Actually, you should assume the worst with any woman and assume she's not going to tell you the truth because they rarely do. I doubt what she told you is the whole truth.

 

And it shouldn't matter.

 

All that should matter is how she treats you and it sounds like she's been a good wife to you.

 

A little extra dick in her life doesn't change that. Doesn't make her more or less of a woman. Doesn't make you more or less of a man.

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somanymistakes

I don't know if it helps, but you could think of it as not really being her that did it. I mean, it was thirty years ago! Both of you have drastically changed in that time. It's who you are now that matters.

 

It's very confusing to dig up these old stories from the past because they seem like they belong to strangers... and in a way they do. People change religions, political beliefs, all sorts of things.

 

You do need to try and stop thinking about it, or the past will start to become an interloper in your marriage. Focus on what your wife is like now, the woman that you know and love.

 

If it's really bothering you, you might want to make a private appointment with a therapist just so you can get everything off your chest and say out loud all the things you think to yourself but don't dare say because they would hurt her and you know they're unfair. Sometimes saying it out loud to someone else can help let out the pressure and allow you to accept and acknowledge those feelings and then put them away. But it needs to be a professional, not a friend and not your wife.

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It was a heavy weight for her to carry.

 

She's not proud of that time.

 

You've been happily married for 24 years.

 

Forgive it and forget it.

 

Thus has nothing to do with you.

 

If you go crazy about this, after you collapse your marriage and you two separate, you will be regretting losing her.

 

Please, forgive and forget. It's what she needs from you right now. What you need is year 25 to be your strongest year ever. Honestly is the best way to that. And she did her part.

 

What would you have done is the tables were turned and you had this dark secret.

 

I respect your wife for coming out with this truth. I want to respect you for honoring your vows and sticking with her. Be the man she thinks you are.

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What would you have done is the tables were turned and you had this dark secret.

.

 

But he also had a dark secret and whilst he thinks she has got "over it", she may be struggling as much as he is.

 

Whilst he has the benefit of her "honesty" to keep him warm, she doesn't have that, if she hadn't divulged, he would most likely would have kept his secret to the grave and always kept her in the dark.

 

She doesn't think he is struggling as he is hiding it, she may also be struggling and hiding it...

Edited by elaine567
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But he also had a dark secret and whilst he thinks she has got "over it", she may be struggling as much as he is.

 

Whilst he has the benefit of her "honesty" to keep him warm, she doesn't have that, if she hadn't divulged, he would most likely would have kept his secret to the grave and always kept her in the dark.

 

She doesn't think he is struggling as he is hiding it, she may also be struggling and hiding it...

 

I don't see what either person did in their past - before getting married - as being bad. Have they been honest and true since being married? Yes. That's all that matters.

 

I do believe people should be honest with everything before walking down the isle. But I also believe they shouldn't be judgemental with each other as well. People do things they regret and if their fiancé or boy/girl friend truly loved them they both can get through it.

 

So the guy had affairs and 3/4-somes before getting married. So she was an escort. People do things. Calling off 24 years or even 3 years of a happy marriage because of these things it a huge price.

 

If both these people decide to trash their excellent marriage because of this stuff - they will end up wasting years and piling on more hurt only to want to reconnect after the storm passes. It sucks. It happens all the time.

 

They already wasted 3 months of their marriage. The only sin I see here is they aren't talking. They need to talk and hammer this out. They need to stop judging each other's past and accept that those things are major threads that make up the fabric each are and who they are together.

 

Sometimes people are angry because they would have liked glimpses of that person in their marriage. Kinda like, why did he do that with those girls but not with me or why did she do those things with those guys but won't with me?

 

They need to talk and they need to find the common ground.

 

Nothing I see here warrants the call for and end to this marriage.

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So the guy had affairs and 3/4-somes before getting married. So she was an escort. People do things. Calling off 24 years or even 3 years of a happy marriage because of these things it a huge price. .

 

I agree it is a huge price.

BUT both those revelations may alter the other's perception of who their spouse actually is.

Once said it cannot be unsaid and they more he tries to not think of it the more he will be obsessed by it.

See - Suppressing the 'white bears' - for ways to avoid unwanted thoughts.

 

She is apparently utilising the "let's just forget about it and never speak of it again" strategy and that may work for her, but then again it may not long term.

Unless they thrash it out together or maybe with professional help, and somehow get comfortable again, then I guess it will all just fester away.

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"I guess our sex life is normal, we tend to have sex 3 or 4 times a week and it is just as great now as it was from the beginning"

 

Uh no - thats not normal....which made me reconsider the rest of the post but for the sake discussion I will add....

 

Any number of people lie or hide things about themselves - or just suppress parts of themselves in order to be loved and married. In fact its been said people lie MORE to people that value or love. Of course your wife lied to you you would not have married her - most would have not. So you can understand why she did.

 

If you have had 24 years of amazing good sex, faithful marriage and all that ... focus on how RARE that is in a marriage, not as rare as finding out your wife was a prostitute for a while, but pretty rare. Suspect you might find a few long term married buddies who would trade you for your marriage.

 

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I agree it is a huge price.

BUT both those revelations may alter the other's perception of who their spouse actually is.

Once said it cannot be unsaid and they more he tries to not think of it the more he will be obsessed by it.

See - Suppressing the 'white bears' - for ways to avoid unwanted thoughts.

 

She is apparently utilising the "let's just forget about it and never speak of it again" strategy and that may work for her, but then again it may not long term.

Unless they thrash it out together or maybe with professional help, and somehow get comfortable again, then I guess it will all just fester away.

 

Though I agree to a great extent, 24 years of a happy marriage should scream much louder than 5 or 6 months of things neither would ever do again. To say the revelation will change how each perceives the other is casting judgement. And it's forgetting the stuff that mattered over 24 years.

 

In my life, shame has been my biggest enemy. To rid shame you must embrace all that's you and all that make you who you are. This is true with your spouse.

 

My wife has told me similarly shocking things about her past - I have told her things as well. They are things not to be proud of. But we accepted these things about each other. Our relationship is so much stronger now. Talking to each other helped heal those wounds. We were there for each other as we promised we would be in our vows.

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You did disgusting crap things and lied by omission, she did disgusting crap things and lied by omission. You're even.

 

Now you can both be adults and move on and think in terms of 24 happy years instead of the other stuff.

 

That is what adults do.

 

Retroactive jealousy is for sissies. Seriously.

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You did disgusting crap things and lied by omission, she did disgusting crap things and lied by omission. You're even.

 

Now you can both be adults and move on and think in terms of 24 happy years instead of the other stuff.

 

That is what adults do.

 

Retroactive jealousy is for sissies. Seriously.

 

Halle - effing - lujah!

 

Blunt and to the point! Great post!

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Though I agree to a great extent, 24 years of a happy marriage should scream much louder than 5 or 6 months of things neither would ever do again.

 

In a perfect world maybe, but yes, he is now judging her and yes, she may well be judging him too, so whilst both may be well aware of what the "adult" reaction to all of this should be, it may not stop the obsessive and intrusive thoughts or even the mind movies or general discomfort.

We(gen.) as humans, feel what we feel, and when faced with what to us is a "shocking" disclosure, few can just switch off as if nothing happened.

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In a perfect world maybe, but yes, he is now judging her and yes, she may well be judging him too, so whilst both may be well aware of what the "adult" reaction to all of this should be, it may not stop the obsessive and intrusive thoughts or even the mind movies or general discomfort.

We(gen.) as humans, feel what we feel, and when faced with what to us is a "shocking" disclosure, few can just switch off as if nothing happened.

 

Sad truths I guess. The ball is in both their courts. They can eff it up over what amounts as huge piles of nothing or they can choose to get past it. Neither wronged the other. They both should have been more open at the start, but they didn't.

 

The bigger wrong in all this from before their marriage to today is if they choose not to talk to each other toss out the marriage.

 

My wife isnt the definition of perfect I had 10 years ago. She is however the pure definition of perfection I have in my heart today. Perfection should be fluid if a marriage is to succeed. Otherwise each partner isn't being fair to the other.

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Michelle ma Belle

Honestly, I find it highly hypocritical of you to think your sorted past is somehow more forgivable than hers. And then being upset with her for holding back that period of her life when you did precisely the same thing.

 

Take a long look in the mirror before you start judging your wife for her past.

 

Double standards are alive and well with you it seems.

 

I agree with those who said you have 24 happy years together. Why are you gunning to blow that up over something that lasted 6 months long before you were ever in the picture?

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But he also had a dark secret and whilst he thinks she has got "over it", she may be struggling as much as he is.

 

Whilst he has the benefit of her "honesty" to keep him warm, she doesn't have that, if she hadn't divulged, he would most likely would have kept his secret to the grave and always kept her in the dark.

 

She doesn't think he is struggling as he is hiding it, she may also be struggling and hiding it...

 

Could we please not compare being a hooker to him having some gal pals that liked group sex. I mean come on, they are not even in the same universe.

 

I assure you that some of my past GF's do not want to know about some of the things I have done in the past. But I was not a hooker at least...

 

There is no moral equivalency here in any way.

 

That said, OP you got to let this one go. If she has been a faithful good wife count yourself lucky.

 

A lot of us never get that... Count your blessings.

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Could we please not compare being a hooker to him having some gal pals that liked group sex. I mean come on, they are not even in the same universe.

 

I assure you that some of my past GF's do not want to know about some of the things I have done in the past. But I was not a hooker at least...

 

There is no moral equivalency here in any way.

 

That said, OP you got to let this one go. If she has been a faithful good wife count yourself lucky.

 

A lot of us never get that... Count your blessings.

 

There are many here who holds the exact opposite opinion.

 

Look, it depends on perception. I don't think it helps to say what one has done is worse than the other. I personally don't think either did anything wrong. They did what they did and at some point stopped seeing the value of it and went to better pastures so to speak. They should have talked about it at the beginning though - but they didn't.

 

They NEED to talk about it now.

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I would be concerned if, during my marriage with her, if she seemed to have more money than you could account for her having. I would be thinking if she really did give up the prostitution... is the life I have with her an illusion? A carefully manicured stage act? Maybe the reason why you never fight is because it isn't in the script to rock the boat... I mean, hey, if she is charging $500 a pop and did have much repeat business, she could still be servicing 'regulars' on the side even now - they'd be more like old friends at this point. But then, my reaction speaks more about my cynical, suspicious nature. After all, that six months period of her life could have burned the 'cheat' out of her and she could be for real today... it's just that I'd need to know the truth. So, I'd do some discreet digging. Does she guard her phone? Is it password locked? Are there a lot of unexplained phone numbers listed on the monthly bill, and what time did they occur? Does she have any unexplainable time away form home that you can't account for? Eventually, I'd just ask her and depending on what she says, ask to see her phone messages, of perhaps demand a polygraph. The way I see it, she had no right to keep something so monstrous from you - she did it for her own benefit, because she wanted a good stable guy to marry, but you do deserve the truth and she has no right to keep secrets like this form you...:(

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Take a long look in the mirror before you start judging your wife for her past.

 

Agreed.

As they say, "When you point one finger, there are three fingers pointing back to you."

 

First off, like one poster said, it looks weak when you comeback with the FYI on your gangbang. It does sound like dudes who lie about their sexual conquests to one-up the other dude who is lying about his.

 

Second off, if it is all true, how is what your wife did almost half her life ago worse? Again, if it is really true and not made up to massage your bruised ego, can't you try to step in her shoes and realize that your behavior wasn't any more pure? That's usually how you get over things.

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Michelle ma Belle
Could we please not compare being a hooker to him having some gal pals that liked group sex. I mean come on, they are not even in the same universe.

 

I assure you that some of my past GF's do not want to know about some of the things I have done in the past. But I was not a hooker at least...

 

There is no moral equivalency here in any way.

 

That said, OP you got to let this one go. If she has been a faithful good wife count yourself lucky.

 

A lot of us never get that... Count your blessings.

 

I find this interesting.

 

So it's perfectly fine and dandy to go off and f*ck a total stranger in the bathroom stall at some grimy bar night after night or entertain threesomes in whatever combinations, participate in gang bangs, lie and cheat, or choosing to engage in an affair with a married partner for free yet when money is exchanged it's somehow immoral?

 

Seriously?

 

Give me a break :rolleyes:

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