I think my fiance may be bi??!!

[Dazedandconfused1979]

So I'm new here and not sure if I'm posting in the right section. I'm engaged to be married this fall. I have been dating my fiancé for 2 years. He has been great, the best guy I have ever been with and he treats me awesome. Everything has been pretty perfect but I have trust issues due to past relationships, where there has been cheating and physical and mental abuse. My fiancé has been like a breath of fresh air compared to the rest.

 

 

Anyways, we have been so busy this past year with wedding planning, we wanted one weekend where we could let loose and have fun. We got some Molly on Friday night. Now, just so you know, the last time we have both done it has been over a year ago and that was it. We are weekend drinkers but hardly ever do drugs but wanted to have fun this weekend. Anyways, the night was awesome, he fell asleep early Sat. morning and I was still up and rolling. I was bored and we were using his phone to cast music onto our tv to listen to all night. I looked at his phone to change the music and yes, I was bored and out of my mind and decided to look thru his phone. Now I have never done this before. I trusted him. I had no reason not to. But the state of mind I was in and being bored and alone, my curiousity got the best of me. I know. Stupid. I should have never done it. But I did. And what I found floored me. I looked thru his text messages, just a few. Just the ones that were unsaved numbers. There were quite a few of them but 2 of them were from guys where he was exchanging dick pics and talking about meeting up. One was from Nov. of 2015, about 4 months after we started dating and the other one was about a month ago. It looks like they talked about meeting up on both of them but it never happened because the conversation just stopped. It was two different numbers too. So I freaked out and woke him up and called him a jackass and asked about him cheating on me with guys. He was out of it and asking what the hell I was talking about and took the phone out of my hand and wouldn't give it back. He finally somewhat woke up and told me it was guys he met off craigslist but he never met up with them and never would. He seems to think that since they never met up, that he wasn't cheating on me. He said it was stupid and he was embarrassed and that he was watching porn and one thing led to the next, that he was sick of fake girls so went to the internet to talk to guys but he swears he never met up with any guys. Ever.

 

 

I'm floored, I'm hurt, I'm confused and shocked. WTH?! I mean the one a month ago, he lives with me! It was in the same house as me at 3 in the morning and he was sending dick pics to some guy!

He swears he loves me, thinks I'm the best person he has ever met and wants to marry me. I mentioned counseling and without hesitation, he said he would go.

 

I asked him if he was bi and he swears he isn't. He said it was just a weird porn thing and that I'm all he needs. We have sex pretty often and it is passionate and he is always looking at me and into my eyes so I never would have thought there was a problem. He gets hard just looking at my breasts so I know he likes girls. Could he be bi though? Or could this just be some weird fantasy that he would never act on? I don't know what to think. I have thought about being with girls, I have been with 2 years and years ago but I would never go onto craigslist and talk to a live person especially while in a relationship. I consider that cheating and going too far. Is this relationship doomed? Am I stupid to believe him when he says it will never happen

[PeopleWatching]

I don't think the gender of the other person matters. Would it make a difference if it had been a woman? You're engaged and he's looking for hookups with other people (I count sexting in that). If you expect fidelity and monogamy, and he promised that to you (either implied or explicitly) then he has broken your trust. He was looking for a hookup with another man while engaged to you.

 

It's up to you what you want to do with the information, if anything. If you expect fidelity while he wants to have sex with other people (online or in person), then you are not compatible and you should not marry this man. If you are willing to allow him to continue having sex with men while married to you, then you need to have an honest dialogue with him. Unfortunately, you may not get honesty since he's already going behind your back.

 

If you want to marry him, accept the fact that at some point this will become an issue. Some people are willing to allow and encourage their spouse to have same sex relationships on the side. If that will work for you, then get it out in the open. If that's not you, then you have a hard choice to make.

Edited July 17, 2017 by PeopleWatching

[Bastile]

I was in this sort of situation myself, but the stakes were far lower.

 

Far as I'm concerned, the sexuality is just a distraction. I don't care whether someone is bisexual, sapiosexual, metrosexual, or anything else. What concerns me is gaslighting - I simply won't tolerate it.

 

Once you get to that point, it's difficult and questionable whether it's worth discussing the issue at all.

 

Here you have a man sending his penis to other men, but isn't bi... want to join him in that bizarro world that he's creating?

 

For mine it was that it's "not being a lesbian if you are just taking pleasure". Man, it's just bisexual, say it and be done with it.

 

Then those people will be "just friends", and you will be questioning his friends... it's just not worth it. When people start gaslighting you in this way, start looking for the exit is my advice.

Edited July 17, 2017 by Bastile

[PeopleWatching]

I would like to amend my reply, but didn't want to just go back and edit / re-write it.

 

You have a couple of different issues going on. The first issue is unconditionally accepting your fiance, including his sexuality. This is probably the biggest place where you can set your marriage up to succeed or fail. Lets say for the sake of argument that your fiance' is bisexual. Or, at the very least "mildly so" in that he just enjoys looking at dick pics. Putting aside the issue of porn and sexting, can you accept that bisexuality is a part of him? If so, then tell him so that he doesn't think that he has to hide that part of himself from you.

 

The second is fidelity. It is possible to be both bisexual and yet chose to be monogamous at the same time. Lots of people are bisexual and still commit themselves to one person. It sounds like this is at least partly the case for you if you enjoyed sexual encounters with women. If you can accept that he is (or may be) bi then the next question is, can you both agree on your definition and expectations of fidelity?

 

The issue of porn is important because it can be a lightning rod issue in many marriages. Do you care if he watches porn? If you don't then do you care if he watches bisexual or gay porn (even just dick pics)? Would you watch it with him to show him that you accept that part of him?

 

This does have the potential to be a big issue in your marriage. If you can not accept his bisexuality, then ask him to carefully consider whether or not he wants to spend the rest of his life hiding that part of himself from you. He may not be bisexual, or doesn't consider his tastes to be. At least ask him to think about it before marrying you. If you can accept that he may be bisexual to whatever extent, then you can focus on what to do about it. Your best bet for communication is to understand and accept who he is first, sexuality and all and then to define how to incorporate that information into your marriage.

 

Best to both of you

[Bastile]

You've just got to decide your own outlook.

 

If it's one where your fiance sending sexual pictures and arranging meet-ups behind your back isn't cheating, and where doing this with the same sex isn't bi, then you have compatible worldviews.

 

But it doesn't seem like you agree with his view.

Edited July 17, 2017 by Bastile

[Dazedandconfused1979]

The thing is I asked over and over after this if he was gay or bi? If I wasn't enough for him. He swears up and down he isn't into guys, he has never been with a guy and never will be with a guy. He said I'm enough to him and that I'm all he wants and he loves me, wants to marry me, ect. He said it was a stupid mistake and he doesn't know why he did it and only did it like 3 times in the past 5 years.

 

 

We are going to a counselor tomorrow evening. I need to desperately talk to someone about this because of course I can't talk to my family or friends. He said he is more than willing to go to show me he loves me more than anything.

 

 

I told him if he has some attraction to guys, he needs to let me know because it could get worse in the future and I don't want to get married and this come up again or his feelings for men get stronger while we are married. He wants a family and he wants kids and I won't go through that. He is so into me though, I just don't get it. We have never had a problem sexually. That is what is so confusing to me. And by those messages, it seems like he never met up. They ended with the guys saying, well, get back to me tomorrow if you want to meet up. He replies with will do but that is the end of the messages. I just don't understand.

 

 

Oh and to answer your question peoplewatching, no, I don't mind if he watches porn. I watch porn too. We both know the other watches porn.

 

 

He swears he will never do this again but I can't trust him right now.

[PeopleWatching]

I can't trust him right now.

 

Then don't marry him. Don't continue your engagement if there is even the slightest question of whether you can trust him. Break it off.

 

More importantly, stop having sex with him until you have resolved this problem. Sex hormones create feelings of intimacy that are going to confuse you and make it much more difficult for you to come to a decision and stick to it. Give yourself the distance that you need to think clearly and gain perspective.

 

Rebuilding trust is going to take a long time. Don't minimize your feelings with technicalities of whether or not it was in person, "just pictures", or anything else. This is the time in your lives together when he should be focused completely on you, and he isn't. This is a major breach of trust, no mater how he tries to minimize it.

 

A fall marriage isn't going to give you time to work through this problem. Given the stress of "the big day" you will have a lot of things on your mind and won't be able to focus on this very important problem. Give yourself that time. Your parents and friends will wonder what's going on, but this is your life.

Edited July 17, 2017 by PeopleWatching

[elaine567]

Plenty women on here have found out "things" whilst engaged, and stayed because "I looove him and he says he will never do it again", only to find they are married with 1-2-3 kids and the whole issue has resurfaced. Then it is NOT easy to walk away and they regret not just walking away when the issue first raised its horrible head...

 

Is Your Boyfriend Secretly Gay?

There were also no conventional signs of infidelity: emotional distance, disappearing acts, strange phone calls in the middle of the night. In fact, we spoke before he left the office every day. On his way home, he'd stop at some random guy's house whom he'd met online, unzip, get a blow job, then pick up milk before he came home, always at the same time. Gay sex is easier to hide. Whereas an affair with a woman might get messy—she could get emotionally attached and call his home—sex with a guy is simple. There's no postcoital chatting. Gay men get right to the point. When Aaron began dating men, he said he actually stopped seeing someone because the guy couldn't get it up. He said, "With gay men, sex is the easiest part. If you can't get that right, there's a problem."

[PeopleWatching]

He said it was a stupid mistake and he doesn't know why he did it and only did it like 3 times in the past 5 years.

 

A mistake is putting on the wrong color socks in the morning. He consciously chose to do this. It was a decision to take a picture and a decision to send it. Repeating the same decisions over an over again (3 times) is a pattern of behavior, not a mistake. He is likely to repeat that pattern no matter whether he says he's bisexual or not. If you are ready for that, then marry him. If not, then break it off.

[Bastile]

Come back if you can to share what happens with the counselor.

 

I'd be very interested to hear how they would attempt to mediate such a situation.

[PeopleWatching]

Only to find they are married with 1-2-3 kids and the whole issue has resurfaced.

 

Especially after kids, when the marriage bed starts to cool off. Being new parents puts a huge amount of stress on a marriage, especially mothers. Sex starts to get less and less frequent, and suddenly the lure of the Internet and other opportunities for sex becomes stronger and stronger. This is when marriage starts to take real work. It's critical to rely on the trust that we have in each other, to know that we'll work our way through it and learn to get sex back on the front burner again while juggling kids, jobs, bills, and everything else. Wondering what he's up to sexually on top of all of that stress will be a challenge.

[hestheone66]

I agree with the other poster who suggested really honest communication...you may feel less threatened when there are no secrets.

 

My very awesome bf and I are very open and it has deepened our intimacy.

You mentioned that you have trust issues before this came up. Some of your reaction is due to this.

 

When horny I've done things (in terms of online flirting etc) that I don't do at other times, and so has my bf.

 

We only have eyes for each other, but we are not threatened with pic swapping or hints at meeting. In a way it's an extension of escape, just the freedom to fantasise.

 

If he wants sexual attention from another then men are really good at giving that without weird feelings/relationship stuff creeping in.

 

My bf likes dick pics I like looking at women's breasts..I'm not bisexual.neither is he. sexuality is complex and doesn't always have neat boxes.

 

Focus on openness, non judgmental communication and the fact that he is a great man.. I agree that rushing towards marriage should not be the aim...too stressful.

 

This is a great opportunity for personal growth and increased intimacy...

[JHandy]

My wife is bi and we have a lot of fun with it. She's monogamous and true. We have kids. We've come a lot closer once we talked about it and became open with each other about it. It's scary, but also exciting too.

 

As for not being enough, that's a factir only when looked at one way. But there is so much more about being together than sex. And where you can be everything to him is understanding and accepting him.

 

My wife and I have a similar taste in women and we have a great time checking out the babes when we people watch so to speak. After a day at the beach or a night on the town we are both ready for terrific sex.

 

It's just how we are.

 

I trust her fully.

 

The thing I worry about is that he is exchanging pics with guys. That's kinda cheating like in my opinion. Him watching porn is fine because it's one-sided. Trading picks is intimate communications with another person.

 

I think that has to stop for trust to develop.

 

What you need to ask yourself, do you accept him? What extent would you go with him. Could you and him check out the guys on a beach? Would you be ok with that? It could be hot for you both. Or it could be uncomfortable.

 

Marriage should be a life commitment. Make sure you can be part of his entire life. Otherwise I thInk he's already easy to go venture out - sadly.

[Dazedandconfused1979]

The problem is, he won't admit to any attraction to men. He says he got addicted to online dating and talking to different women the past 5 years. We met online by the way. Anyways, he would talk to all these girls and he said they were so fake and annoying that he couldn't stand talking to them anymore so started talking to men every once in a while. He said he was somewhat mean to them and would lead them on but was only doing it for some kind of reaction from them because he was so sick of talking to all these fake girls.

 

 

We went to talk to a counselor twice already. He explained everything to him, the counselor and said pretty much what I just typed here. He said he rationalized it as not cheating since he was leading them on with no intention of ever meeting up. Now he realizes that it was in fact cheating, I explained over and over that him going behind my back and talking to anyone, male or female, is cheating.

 

 

He swears it only happened like 3 times in 5 years. I only saw 2 texts on his phone from the time we met until now, I didn't look into anything before we met.

 

 

I'm trying to be understanding and accepting of him but again, he swears it was just for some kind of reaction, some weird porn thing that lead him to want to talk to a live person, but that he has no attraction to other men. So not sure where to go from here. He said I can check his phone whenever I want, he wants everything to be open and no secrets, and that he only wants me and wants to marry me more than anything and that it will never happen again.

 

 

The counselor we went to said he thinks we are on the right track to resolving this and that he thinks we are fine and told us we don't need to come back. Personally, this counselor was strange and although it was nice to talk to someone else about it, he didn't seem like the most competent counselor. It was under my health care plan and I get three free visits and he was one of the first ones on my plan to pop up. Maybe I should go see someone else? I don't know what else to do.

[JHandy]

Question - What did you want to hear from the counselor? Be honest.

 

First, his dick pic swaps should end and he said the will end.

 

You need to take some things at face value. Even with your fear, I can sense his sincerity. Could he be bi? It's likely. But so are you. You both may be bi and you both could have a wonderful life so long as your committed and share your sexuality. If you want to be with a woman and he a man and you can work it out - do it together. Share everything.

 

You already come into your marriage as unconventional- he is likely the same. You will not have a conventional marriage. You may find out you'll be happier for it.

 

You and him are to follow your vows to a tee. And you will be happy.

 

My wife is bi and she never admitted to it until a year ago after we were married for a while. But I knew and it was OK. I just gave her time to come out with it. You are bi and that could be a tool to open up if you open up too.

 

What I like about my marriage is that it looks normal but it's quite opposite in the bedroom.

 

The second question is this: is it OK that he's bi? Are you somehow excited by it or are you turned off? Could you marry him assuming he is bi? I did with my wife and all is terrific.

 

The person who needs to be the most honest with you right now - is you.

[Dazedandconfused1979]

Honestly I don't know what I wanted him or expected him to say. I guess I wanted an explanation as to why he would do that? That what my fiancé says makes sense to him? He just said that sometimes rt before a big life change, marriage or whatever, people like to experience different things to just make sure. I get that I guess. But that is all he really said. He listened mostly and started a dialogue between my fiancé and I so he could explain everything to me.

[elaine567]

Could he be bi? It's likely. But so are you. You both may be bi

 

I must have missed it, but where does the OP say she is bi

[Dazedandconfused1979]

As for me being bi, I'm not. I said I experimented with 2 girls like 17 year ago. And they were threesomes with another guy involved. Never just one on one. It was right after high school and it was only one time for each girl. BUT I was single. And doing all kinds of crazy stuff back then. I haven't been with a girl since.

 

 

I find girls attractive of course, I sometimes watch lesbian porn because for some reason it seems more real to me than a guy pounding away at a girl but I don't have the desire really to have sex with them. I'm super attracted to guys and my guy in fact and cheating on him with a woman never or anyone for that matter has never come to my mind. I wouldn't consider that being bi for experimenting almost 20 years ago.

 

 

I'm pretty open sexually, I love sex and love talking about it, he even knows I had a couple threesomes back then. I tell him everything.

 

 

If he is actually bi, ok, well, we have a lot to talk about. I love him and can accept that as long as he is completely honest and it wouldn't take away from our love or our sex life. No lying and no going behind my back. I told him that and he still swears it was just some weird porn thing and him wanting a reaction.

 

 

I see nothing in our sex life that would ever make me think he was bi or not into women. That is why this was so shocking to me.

 

 

So if he is bi but won't admit it, where do I go from there? That is where the problem is. And if he isn't bi and that explanation was the truth, ok, but how will I know that? I do love him and he is the best person I have ever met so it is hard not to believe him. In a perfect world, he will remain true to me and never do it again and mean what he says. That is what I want. And honesty.

[JHandy]

As for me being bi, I'm not. I said I experimented with 2 girls like 17 year ago. And they were threesomes with another guy involved. Never just one on one. It was right after high school and it was only one time for each girl. BUT I was single. And doing all kinds of crazy stuff back then. I haven't been with a girl since.

 

 

I find girls attractive of course, I sometimes watch lesbian porn because for some reason it seems more real to me than a guy pounding away at a girl but I don't have the desire really to have sex with them. I'm super attracted to guys and my guy in fact and cheating on him with a woman never or anyone for that matter has never come to my mind. I wouldn't consider that being bi for experimenting almost 20 years ago.

 

My wife hasn't had sex with a woman but this is pretty much how she feels except she get reall hot with lesbian sex. Bi doesnt mean your gay - it means you are sexually attracted to both sexes equally. You said that you often thought about the women you were with years ago.

 

It's neither here nor there anyway. To some level you both have a sexual appreciation of the same sex. You both also love sex and with each other may have a very rich sex life with few boundaries.

 

The problems come about when you or him no longer stay true to your vows. I don't expect you will ever and he seems quite consistent that he will be true as well. I see everything is ok. He did a stupid thing but I would say all guys do.

 

You talked to him and he owned up. I agree with you, OP, that there may be more to it. Right now he's embarrassed. He may have been just checking out this side of him as he says, but there were quite a few exchanges.

 

You said you can accept if he's bi.

 

The issue is you want to know right now.

 

You are attracted to women. You like lesbian porn. You've had experiences with women. He knows all about it. And he doesn't question you.

 

You love him. He did something stupid. He owned up to it. You told him no more. He agreed. Just forgive him.

 

One day he will open up with his sexuality like you have to him.

 

But just let him know if he wants to see bi-men, you want to do it together. Just let him know he doesn't have to be alone. You both have to trust each other.

 

You chose each other.

[Dazedandconfused1979]

Well, ok, I get what you are saying, but I really don't have a desire this time in my life to be with a women, down the road, I don't know. I would hope if I did, I would feel comfortable enough to tell him. I mean, I already told him about the past. But that is neither here or there, I wasn't the one that went behind his back.

 

 

I know he made a mistake, he says he is super embarrassed by it. That I can ask any of his friends, he has never cheated and that they can tell me the type of person he is or tell me about his character. That he just wants me to be happy and trust him. I can forgive him, the hardest part is forgetting about going behind my back but I know that takes time. Some days I don't even think about it. I just want him to feel comfortable enough around me to tell me everything like I tell him. He says I know everything now. So we will see.

[olivetree]

I think the bi aspect is the least of your concerns.

 

It's the lying and deceit.

It reminds me of this other poster who first found naked photos of women on her fiance's computer.

Like yours, her fiance also claimed it was just innocent.

It was the tip of a very ugly iceberg that included cheating with both men and women.

 

Take a look at this thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/583495-found-naked-photos-his-computer

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/605127-i-m-back-he-s-back-still-cheating

[JHandy]

Tonight you should set him down and say you believe him. But tell him he's not to do anything like that again. Say to him that you love him even if he's bi. Tell him that you think anything either of you do sexually must be shared - including porn. That you love everything that's sexual and you hope you both will explore equally and with each other.

 

Regarding you and another woman, if it happens it will be with your hubby - if that's what you both want. Try not to limit yourselve.

 

You both have to be super honest with yourselves and each other.

 

Know yours and each other's limits and abide by them.

 

Above all have a great life!

 

As far as his dick pic thing, ask him in as much of a playful way you can what he liked about the experience. Let him talk to you about it. It could be a way you both develop trust again.

 

Just what you have said, you have a lot of good things going on.

[vanhalenfan]

And by those messages, it seems like he never met up. They ended with the guys saying, well, get back to me tomorrow if you want to meet up. He replies with will do but that is the end of the message.

 

Don't be so sure! Maybe he called them instead of texted?

[Dazedandconfused1979]

Yeah, maybe but there is no way to find that out now. And before someone suggests it, yes I have been tested.

 

 

I never checked his call logs. But I'm sure they would be deleted by now anyways so there is no way to find out. I'm going to ask to go through his phone tonight. The counselor suggested that he let me look through his phone to ease my anxiety. I haven't since this all happened but I will tonight while he is sitting right there.

[elaine567]

Yeah, maybe but there is no way to find that out now. And before someone suggests it, yes I have been tested.

 

 

I never checked his call logs. But I'm sure they would be deleted by now anyways so there is no way to find out. I'm going to ask to go through his phone tonight. The counselor suggested that he let me look through his phone to ease my anxiety. I haven't since this all happened but I will tonight while he is sitting right there.

 

Problem now is that he knows you will be checking up on him. So any half intelligent guy is going to buy a burner phone or use work computer/spare laptop/tablet or use secret apps to continue his exploits unseen if that is what he is doing.

He is going to make sure his real phone is always pure and clean for you to view.