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Wife's [past] affair [and trigger from her smoking]


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We're a mid-40's couple, married 15 years. My D-day was a year ago. My wife had a 6 month affair with a family friend. I found out when his wife told me. I confronted, she confessed. I did some reading on forums and implemented the usually recommended measures. We've been in MC for 9 months. Things seem to be going well as far as her behavior. My problem is that during her affair she started smoking. The OM was a smoker, and I guess she picked it up from him. She doesn't smoke in front of me, but I can smell it on her. Every time I detect that smell, it's a huge trigger. I've told her that her habit is preventing healing in our relationship, but she believes that it's really a small issue, and claims that she can't break the addiction. I'm starting to feel that this is a deal breaker. I'd appreciate advice.

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You do what she didn't. You tell her exactly what you said here. Tell her why its really upsetting to you. If she says she cant do it then go file for divorce and show her your serious. Its no different then other things. You can stop the divorce at any time. She just has to show you she is serious. Not word. Only actions will do in these cases.

 

C

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The fact that she regards the issue as a small one shows that she doesn't understand the depth of hurt she caused you and is not really committed to your healing. If I were you, I'd stop playing the nice guy and tell her exactly what you expect of her.

 

Why did you bother with MC? Has she first determined, through IC, what caused her to stray from the marriage? She needs to understand what is broken in her and what caused her to break the marriage.

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40somethingGuy
We're a mid-40's couple, married 15 years. My D-day was a year ago. My wife had a 6 month affair with a family friend. I found out when his wife told me. I confronted, she confessed. I did some reading on forums and implemented the usually recommended measures. We've been in MC for 9 months. Things seem to be going well as far as her behavior. My problem is that during her affair she started smoking. The OM was a smoker, and I guess she picked it up from him. She doesn't smoke in front of me, but I can smell it on her. Every time I detect that smell, it's a huge trigger. I've told her that her habit is preventing healing in our relationship, but she believes that it's really a small issue, and claims that she can't break the addiction. I'm starting to feel that this is a deal breaker. I'd appreciate advice.

 

Get her to get a doctor prescription for Chantix. Its the best stuff around.

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I find your post disconcerting.

 

Your intro sounded like you were fixing a car. Heard a rattling sound, did the usual steps, take it to get it tuned up, now I want to sell it because I found a dent. Given the nature of infidelity, it sounds to me like you have not really dealt with its impact on you.

 

Her smoking being a deal breaker because he smoked is just....I don't know for sure, but it sounds like you are doing one of those psychological deals where you transfer stuff.

 

Do you think smoking is like her keeping ties to OM? Have you discussed that? Does smoking represent emotions for OM? Does it represent OM? I mean, I see stuff every day about how smoking kills and your issue is that OM smoked too? I think there is a whole lot more going on. Maybe see you an IC.

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It's a non issue for her because​ she isn't connecting it with her affair the way you are.....make sure you communicate it to make sure she makes the connection, make sure she understands that it's a trigger, when you smell it on her it takes you back to that time.

 

If she continues to refuse, well, it's shows a lack of empathy on her part and really there can never be true R without empathy.

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I find your post disconcerting.

 

Your intro sounded like you were fixing a car. Heard a rattling sound, did the usual steps, take it to get it tuned up, now I want to sell it because I found a dent. Given the nature of infidelity, it sounds to me like you have not really dealt with its impact on you.

 

Her smoking being a deal breaker because he smoked is just....I don't know for sure, but it sounds like you are doing one of those psychological deals where you transfer stuff.

 

Do you think smoking is like her keeping ties to OM? Have you discussed that? Does smoking represent emotions for OM? Does it represent OM? I mean, I see stuff every day about how smoking kills and your issue is that OM smoked too? I think there is a whole lot more going on. Maybe see you an IC.

 

I don't believe there is a deeper psychological issue. I believe it's as simple as he stated. She started smoking when she started messing around with this guy, when she continues to smoke it keeps him stuck in that place. It's more akin to her refusing to get rid of things OM gave her during the affair. Every time he sees it, it reminds him of what she did.

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she can't quit smoking or cheating.

 

She is still in contact. She is addicted to the OM and smoking helps her relive the best sex of her life.

 

File for D. She is doing it to upset you.

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By smoking she is holding back a part of her life that is off-limits to you.

 

She isn't getting it. She just has no clue, and clueless waywards are the worst kind. Divorce her and find a woman who gets it.

 

I'm of the same mind harrybrown is. I think she may still be in the affair.

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whichwayisup
I find your post disconcerting.

 

Your intro sounded like you were fixing a car. Heard a rattling sound, did the usual steps, take it to get it tuned up, now I want to sell it because I found a dent. Given the nature of infidelity, it sounds to me like you have not really dealt with its impact on you.

 

Her smoking being a deal breaker because he smoked is just....I don't know for sure, but it sounds like you are doing one of those psychological deals where you transfer stuff.

 

Do you think smoking is like her keeping ties to OM? Have you discussed that? Does smoking represent emotions for OM? Does it represent OM? I mean, I see stuff every day about how smoking kills and your issue is that OM smoked too? I think there is a whole lot more going on. Maybe see you an IC.

 

It's a trigger for him. She never smoked until she was with the OM. Of course her husband is going to associate it with the affair and he can't help it that her smoking triggers him.

 

I'm a smoker and honestly if anybody in their adulthood picked up that bad habit I'd kick their ass! Really, this woman knows better and to take up smoking because of the OM is bunk.

 

She can quit and get help for it if she wants to save her marriage, let along her health. Why start smoking when one never has before, especially at that age?!

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I would wonder what she's thinking every time she lights a cigarette, the two of them blowing smoke at the ceiling after a sensual workout perhaps. Why don't you show her how serious an issue it really is, serve her and only agree to stop the process after she quits. I think the behaviour is as disgusting as her affair and shows her true preference. What a great example she is showing your children. Treat her with the same respect she is showing you.

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Just the simple fact that she is a smoker would be a deal breaker for me. I could never be in a relationship with someone who smokes cigarettes - I hate smoking.

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The fact that she regards the issue as a small one shows that she doesn't understand the depth of hurt she caused you and is not really committed to your healing. If I were you, I'd stop playing the nice guy and tell her exactly what you expect of her.

 

Why did you bother with MC? Has she first determined, through IC, what caused her to stray from the marriage? She needs to understand what is broken in her and what caused her to break the marriage.

 

WillyWill, you're right. She doesn't understand. She went to IC for 3 months after the affair. I don't think she learned much about herself.

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bigman1, I am a very left brain person. I am logical and methodical by aptitude and by training. So, this is how I've approached the problem. I definitely think that the smoking represents something to her. I just don't know what it is. I don't think it's a gesture of defiance toward me, since I am really not a controlling person as far as the way I relate to other people.

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she can't quit smoking or cheating.

 

She is still in contact. She is addicted to the OM and smoking helps her relive the best sex of her life.

 

File for D. She is doing it to upset you.

 

harrybrown, during the first 6 months I did some fairly sophisticated snooping to verify that she was being transparent. Of course where there's a will, there's a way, so she could still be in contact. I made it clear to her that she's free to go her own way any time she wants, just that she should be honest with me.

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By smoking she is holding back a part of her life that is off-limits to you.

 

She isn't getting it. She just has no clue, and clueless waywards are the worst kind. Divorce her and find a woman who gets it.

 

I'm of the same mind harrybrown is. I think she may still be in the affair.

 

She is definitely holding back. I made this point in MC. I stated that we both need to be all in for this to work. The MC advised me to pick my battles. I'm just about ready to stop fighting for our marriage.

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It's a trigger for him. She never smoked until she was with the OM. Of course her husband is going to associate it with the affair and he can't help it that her smoking triggers him.

 

I'm a smoker and honestly if anybody in their adulthood picked up that bad habit I'd kick their ass! Really, this woman knows better and to take up smoking because of the OM is bunk.

 

She can quit and get help for it if she wants to save her marriage, let along her health. Why start smoking when one never has before, especially at that age?!

 

You know, this noxious habit is so out of character for her. I'm a bicyclist. She was before the affair. We've both followed healthy lifestyles. She's tried patches and gum. Chantix didn't agree with her. I've know a number of smokers who have quit, and some of them have told me that they really just had to be ready to make the effort. That's how I feel now; she just doesn't want to make the effort.

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If she just started a year ago I think she is not hooked for life. With chantix and a bit of will power she can stop...if she wants to. But it probably triggers her as well and reminds her of the wicked fun she had during the A and the OM.

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Bassn75 at some point you have to start valuing yourself.

 

I hear you. Yesterday when I came in from work I leaned in to give her a kiss. Her hair smelled like she'd just been smoking. I pulled back, went up to our room and moved my clothes into the guest room. I didn't argue with her. Seems like there's nothing to argue about. We have two middle school kids. They've known for awhile that we've been having problems. I hate to think how this will disrupt their lives. We have MC later this week. I plan to bring up separation and what that would mean to all of us.

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I appreciate your response Bas, BUT being left brained myself, I also know that it is real easy to be analytical and divorce oneself from the emotion of something. The emotional part can "get in the way" of the analytical. Some may say it is overwhelming or confusing or whatever word fits. Suffice it to say, the logical part needs less emotion in order to cope. Logic is your strength. It is for me.

 

The thing is, however, betrayal is inherently emotional. Doing the "required steps" does not lead to the "expected result". Being analytical and trying to sort through intense emotional triggers and harm is a paradox. One can't adequately analyze one's own emotions and deal with them at the same time when so much is going on. Go figure.

 

You may be able to control your emotions as being non productive and thus avoid cursing your wife out but you can't escape the feeling that you may want to do it. Maybe you want to just go off on her about what the smoking means or does not mean or the fact that you asked, no expected, that she'd be faithful and healthy and instead she pissed on all of that. She was unfaithful and picked up an unhealthy stinking habit and now you have to live with the results of both. The stench of infidelity and the stench of smoke. Maybe you feel this way, then again, maybe not.

 

Still, perhaps smoking means something to her. Perhaps it means something to you. Perhaps its just a noxious habit that you don't like. I stand by my position that your approach is just intellectually distancing yourself from the pain and realities of betrayal. You may find that the "required steps" will never yield the "expected result" because emotions, even buried ones, have a way of surfacing in ways that left brained people can't escape.

 

It is more than just smoking, I think.

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I hear you. Yesterday when I came in from work I leaned in to give her a kiss. Her hair smelled like she'd just been smoking. I pulled back, went up to our room and moved my clothes into the guest room. I didn't argue with her. Seems like there's nothing to argue about. We have two middle school kids. They've known for awhile that we've been having problems. I hate to think how this will disrupt their lives. We have MC later this week. I plan to bring up separation and what that would mean to all of us.

 

So often people get caught up in thinking a divorce would be the end of the world for there children. Honestly its flawed logic. People assume that the children are not being harmed now. They are. Everyday they see there is a issue they watch what they do. Or they act out more. There lives are completely turned upside down and just like you they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wouldn't talk to her about separation I would talk to her about divorce. See all your doing is delaying when this all comes crashing down.

 

Its like the other poster stated you have to learn to value you. Once you take control of your life your kids will see this new side of you. They might have some issues up front but the more they get to see you happy and share that happiness with you their lives get a little easier. I thought for sure my kids would crash when I divorced my ex wife. I was wrong. Within the next six months they were back to getting A's and B's in there classes. They were more engaged than they had been in years. The pressure was off. They could actually go back to being children.

 

If your wife really loved you this smoking thing would be a thing of the past. She clearly doesn't see just how much this has affected you and if she did and she really loved you like you want her to she would do anything to make it right.

 

If she was all that remorseful she would be jumping at ever chance to show you. I think your wasting your time.

 

bigman is right. Its not just about the smoking.

 

C

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I suspect, if a new romatic stud interest showed up in her life that she wanted to play with who didn't smoke and didn't like the smell of cigarette smoke, she would find the will to quit the day she found out he didn't like it.

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harrybrown, during the first 6 months I did some fairly sophisticated snooping to verify that she was being transparent. Of course where there's a will, there's a way, so she could still be in contact. I made it clear to her that she's free to go her own way any time she wants, just that she should be honest with me.

 

A cheaters mantra is to lie, hide and deny. I doubt you can expect honesty at this time.

 

you found out but other mans wife exposing. She didn't confess

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It seems simple to me. She needs to understand, if she does not already, that smoking greatly damages her husband and the marriage. If she really is truly remorseful she would be willing to do anything to help him.

 

Bassn75, you stand your correct grounds and give her the choice between smoking and divorce…If she will not stop smoking then you have your answer; she values a nasty habit over your welfare and your marriage. Be strong enough to follow through with any demand that you make.

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