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Any success in open Marriage , after a bad marriage ?


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Phoenician

Need opinion about Open marriage when it comes after a couple (or one of them ) exerted all kind of efforts to make a marriage succeed yet it fails ; Divorce is out of question , and kindly it is not the topic here .

 

 

did it work when one of the spouses is not a sex lover , they can survive without it ?

 

what was the rules ?

 

for succesful open marriages , how did it work ? what was the process ?

 

your opinions ,

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Friskyone4u
Are you man or woman?

 

There is the first question, and you better do some reading instead of asking opinions. Start with two books

 

 

"OPening Up"

"More Than Two"

 

If you do not get your answers there they do not exist.

 

Here a starter for you. If you are a man, understand in open relationships your wife will have all the power. She will be able to walk into a bar and tell every man she meets she is married and 95% of them will be thrilled to pursue her for the no strings sex. The reaction you will get is just the opposite. 95% of women you announce that you are married to will tell you to get lost before the words are out of your mouth.

 

The next little free tidbit for you is any responsible proponent of non monogamous marriage will tell you that open marriage does not cure cracks in a not good marriage. It makes the cracks worse.

 

And open marriages fail for the same reasons that monogamous marriages fail. Broken boundaries which will change from what you initially agree to.

Now once you identify what sex you are more can be added but you might start with educating yourself on what you are thinking about.

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I would respectfully suggest, because you feel stuck in a sexless marriage, that what you are looking for is not necessarily an open marriage but permission to cheat on your wife.

 

However, what is available to you must also be available to your wife. Would you really be fine if your wife chooses to have sex with another man?

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Phoenician

I am a man, 46 yrs old ,

yes , stuck in a sexless marriage .

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Usually, an open marriage will not fix anything, but sometimes it can work well enough.

 

i have a friend whose husband became completely sexless. They did not want to divorce, so she had boyfriends. One even moved in with them for about 7 years. This worked for them.

 

However, as a woman, she had lots of prospects. If she'd been a man, highly unlikely - less than 1% chance, IMO, if he's being honest about the open arrangement. If you're a man, you'll do better to pretend you're cheating on your wife. I don't understand the psychology of this, really, but it's like women want the chance to steal away the cheater (or have the illusion that they could), but do not want to share a guy in an open relationship.

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Phoenician
I would respectfully suggest, because you feel stuck in a sexless marriage, that what you are looking for is not necessarily an open marriage but permission to cheat on your wife.

 

-true , more specifically after all up and down we are seperated under the same house ; wich is the ugliest form of separation .

However, what is available to you must also be available to your wife. Would you really be fine if your wife chooses to have sex with another man?

 

-After all the abuse and bitterness in my marriage , I no longer give a sit , if this makes her happy and satisfied i have really no problem anymore; because we are not and will not reconcile until DD comes .

I am lost and this is the last resort I see; if she becomes happy , stops her passive aggressiveness toward me and children , I will be very happy .

 

 

 

forget about the details of my case,

I am interrested to hear successful stories about similar situations wher partners went open marriage .

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Phoenician
Usually, an open marriage will not fix anything, but sometimes it can work well enough.

 

i have a friend whose husband became completely sexless. They did not want to divorce, so she had boyfriends. One even moved in with them for about 7 years. This worked for them.

 

However, as a woman, she had lots of prospects. If she'd been a man, highly unlikely - less than 1% chance, IMO, if he's being honest about the open arrangement. If you're a man, you'll do better to pretend you're cheating on your wife. I don't understand the psychology of this, really, but it's like women want the chance to steal away the cheater (or have the illusion that they could), but do not want to share a guy in an open relationship.

exactly , what makes sense more to me is that me and my wife get relieved from each other rather than share anything .

 

 

so yes I want a validation of my cheating , though nothing is planned yet , I need to date someone normal , have normal dates , feeling good with a female , taking her to restaurants , to cinema , cuddle and share emotions .

 

casual sex was available for cheating from myside , I haven't take it and iot is not what I want .

 

truth , I have no opportunities now in the context Iam describing , like a special friend or maitress , I am just planning for coming future ,

planning to cheat with her knowledge ,and if she opts to cheat fine with me .

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xenawarriorprincess
I would respectfully suggest, because you feel stuck in a sexless marriage, that what you are looking for is not necessarily an open marriage but permission to cheat on your wife.

 

However, what is available to you must also be available to your wife. Would you really be fine if your wife chooses to have sex with another man?

 

Cheating implies deceit. An open marriage is not cheating because there is no deception about what either partner is doing, it’s an agreed upon set-up in which both parties agree that monogamy isn’t the preferred option. It is a fallacy for a spouse to expect/ demand monogamy while also abstaining from sex, because that is not monogamy, that is celibacy. The OP is not asking to cheat (ie: deceive the spouse), the OP is asking how to make an open marriage work when the spouse is clearly uninterested in sex. If the spouse agrees to the open marriage and all of a sudden decides that they too are willing and ready to explore an open marriage, then they are not really uninterested in sex, they are uninterested in their partner, which would uncover the true source of the problem in the marriage.

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NuevoYorko

Open marriage can work in the context of a healthy marriage where both members of the couple agree that their relationship will be enhanced. I have not heard of it working in a bad marriage, but who knows? We know your needs, and from what you've shared I imagine that a sexy love interest might be just the ticket to get your wife's juices flowing. As frustrated as you are, she is probably feeling equally dismal about your sex life.

 

edited to add: "a few times a month" isn't a sexless marriage.

Edited by NuevoYorko
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And open marriage only works in a bad marriage if both parties agree that the marriage is essentially over and divorce isn't an option and agree to live separate romantic lives while maintaining a platonic living arrangement/shell marriage.

 

When only one person wants out of the marriage and pushes the other person to compromise their values and boundaries as a condition of being able to stay married to the person they love, it's a recipe for disaster.

 

What will happen is she will agree to it to keep you, and you will jump in. And you'll be open and honest about it and it will destroy her. So you'll start to hide it. Then it's just cheating.

 

Also if she does choose to get into it, she will have a million men crawling all over her. You won't have the same from the females. So you have to be able to deal with that .

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You want sex. You are in a sexless marriage. I know very little about open marriages / relationships & I have never had one. What little I do know seems to indicate that this type of arrangement takes a LOT of trust.

 

 

Even if your wife agreed to this, which I can see her doing, you are going to go crazy when she has sex with another man because this arrangement isn't going to get you laid as often as you fantasize. You will be jealous & pissed off. You won't understand why your wife will have sex with other men but not you. You actually want this open marriage because you want sex & you'd probably be OK only having sex with just her but she doesn't seem to want sex at all.

 

 

Just get a divorce. It will be cleaner & healthier all the way around.

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Cheating implies deceit. An open marriage is not cheating because there is no deception about what either partner is doing, it’s an agreed upon set-up in which both parties agree that monogamy isn’t the preferred option. It is a fallacy for a spouse to expect/ demand monogamy while also abstaining from sex, because that is not monogamy, that is celibacy. The OP is not asking to cheat (ie: deceive the spouse), the OP is asking how to make an open marriage work when the spouse is clearly uninterested in sex. If the spouse agrees to the open marriage and all of a sudden decides that they too are willing and ready to explore an open marriage, then they are not really uninterested in sex, they are uninterested in their partner, which would uncover the true source of the problem in the marriage.

 

Totally agree. However, this request is not coming from a good place. This is not a healthy marriage. It is a sexless marriage, and the husband wants affection and sex from another partner. He doesn't see divorce as an option. Thus, his solution to the problem is to open his marriage such that he has "permission" to have sex with another woman.

 

Call it what you may, it's not going to solve the problems in the marriage. It's also really possible that it's not going to be the solution that OP hopes it will be either.

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i can not tell you personal stories, but i hear the stats are about half of open marriages work out to some extent, and the other end in divorce a year or two later.

 

Unfortunately, the ones that work out already start from a strong marriage, good communications, and good adherence to boundaries. Sounds like that is not necessarily your situation.

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I am in a partially open marriage where my husband sees other women and I do not see other men. He hasn't said I can't, I just don't want to. It works out well for us. He is honest with the women he sees about his relationship status and doesn't have too much trouble getting dates. He was even in a semi-relationship with a woman for a while, they took a short vacation together and saw each other about once a week.

 

It works out for us because I'm not jealous at all, but also we were coming from a very healthy relationship. We didn't do it to fix any problems. Do you have any specific questions, OP? I'm not sure exactly what you're looking for. Have you talked to your wife at all about it yet? I think in most cases a relationship has to be good to be successfully open, but maybe if your marriage is great *except* for the sex issue, you could "fix" it by opening it up. I don't know though, I don't have any experience with that situation.

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Phoenician
I am in a partially open marriage where my husband sees other women and I do not see other men. He hasn't said I can't, I just don't want to. It works out well for us. He is honest with the women he sees about his relationship status and doesn't have too much trouble getting dates. He was even in a semi-relationship with a woman for a while, they took a short vacation together and saw each other about once a week.

 

It works out for us because I'm not jealous at all, but also we were coming from a very healthy relationship. We didn't do it to fix any problems. Do you have any specific questions, OP? I'm not sure exactly what you're looking for. Have you talked to your wife at all about it yet? I think in most cases a relationship has to be good to be successfully open, but maybe if your marriage is great *except* for the sex issue, you could "fix" it by opening it up. I don't know though, I don't have any experience with that situation.

 

I am surprised to hear stories about a marriage that is great except for the sex issue ,

 

my wife would be in your situation if I go open marriage ;but our marriage isn't healthy without even the sex issue.

 

the question is , how hurtful it is to you i.e the partner that is not interrested in sex, and if a relation is good , why sex is off the table .

 

in your case , you say that you don't feel jealous ; is it the norm when a woman is notinterrested in sex to feel that way ?

 

I am trying to find a scenario that is the least painfull to her, I don't want to cheat on her ...

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I am surprised to hear stories about a marriage that is great except for the sex issue ,

 

my wife would be in your situation if I go open marriage ;but our marriage isn't healthy without even the sex issue.

 

the question is , how hurtful it is to you i.e the partner that is not interrested in sex, and if a relation is good , why sex is off the table .

 

in your case , you say that you don't feel jealous ; is it the norm when a woman is notinterrested in sex to feel that way ?

 

I am trying to find a scenario that is the least painfull to her, I don't want to cheat on her ...

I think you misunderstood my post a little. We have a good relationship including sex. I never turn him down for sex and we have a great sex life.

 

I was saying that open relationships usually only work if the relationship is really good in the first place. But maybe it could also work if the relationship is good except for sex. I don't have any experience with that particular situation, but I feel like it's a common sentiment here on these boards. I see it all the time "we have a great marriage but she has no sex drive."

 

But it sounds like that's not your situation either. Your relationship has more issues than just sex. In that case, I'm not sure that this is q good idea for you. It's probably just going to make things worse. That being said, I don't think it's reasonable for someone to expect their partner live a sexless life just because they don't want to have sex. I think that she is not upholding one of her "duties" (although I hate that word) as a wife.

 

If you really want to do this, just be honest with her. Tell her that sexual fidelity is something you can't promise anymore, because it's an unreasonable thing for her to ask at this point. Tell her you are going to seek it elsewhere, but that you still love her and want to be married to her.

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forget about the details of my case,

I am interrested to hear successful stories about similar situations wher partners went open marriage .

 

You probably won't hear very many at all. This is because, as is my understanding, the successful ones involve 100 percent honesty. It's considered an addition to the marriage, not as a band aid for its problems.

 

A truly open marriage involves the consent of both partners. if you don't have it, you are cheating. Unless you are okay with cheating, it will emotionally drain you.

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SummerDreams

In which twisted universe are marriage vows more important than a person's happiness and well being? Are we back in the dark years?

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Cephalopod
In which twisted universe are marriage vows more important than a person's happiness and well being? Are we back in the dark years?

 

Because marriage vows are supposed to endure through all the upheaval the life brings with it. Vows are something apart and outside of emotions: happiness, sadness, loss, success... That is why they are called vows. They are a spiritual pact that ties two people together, and holds them together even when a relationship goes stale or is going through hard times.

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Miss Peach

However, as a woman, she had lots of prospects. If she'd been a man, highly unlikely - less than 1% chance, IMO, if he's being honest about the open arrangement. If you're a man, you'll do better to pretend you're cheating on your wife. I don't understand the psychology of this, really, but it's like women want the chance to steal away the cheater (or have the illusion that they could), but do not want to share a guy in an open relationship.

 

I know men in poly relationships and they told me they ran into the same issue. The woman had lots of options and they struggled to get dates once they admitted to being married.

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I am also in a low (and last year technically no) sex marriage.

 

My marriage is other wise fine now but it had major issues in the beginning - due to my wife. More or less she seems happy in the marriage the way it has become. She other wise treats my nicely and is a good wife.

 

A few people have suggested I should see if my wife would be okay with an open marriage. I know they suggested this out of kindness or concern to see if I could find some relief.

 

It would never work because I know myself and my wife and the realities of what would work and not work for us. I dont really need to ask people who have open marriages if it worked. Cheating and using professionals like wise would probably not work but I know they would have a better chance than an open marriage concept for me/us....that for sure.

 

OP you know yourself and your wife best.

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