Husband Sleeps in the Basement

[newmommy1]

My husband and I just bought a three story home. I never wanted to buy a house and I told him that but I agreed because he really wanted to. Before that we lived in a townhouse and sometimes on the weekend he would fall asleep on the couch by the front door. I was lonely but I felt safe.

 

He really wanted a man cave in the Basement in whatever house we bought. I told him that's fine but you have to come up to bed every night because I will be scared upstairs in a big house (one of the reasons why I didn't want to buy a big house) with you all the way in the basement He said fine. Also sidebar, the house is pretty much what he wanted, he wanted an old house by the woods. I wanted a new home but I gave in so he could be happy. The very first day we moved in there was mice, he accidently left the Basement door open all day so that could have been how they got in. We got rid of the mice

A month later there was a snake in the garage. He had left the garage door open so the snake came.in.

 

Regardless I am scared out of my mind being in that big old house by the woods of intruders and now of snakes and mice. The first two.weeks in our home he slept in the bedroom with me but then I had our baby. Since the baby has been born, he says he can't sleep in the room because the baby wakes up.so much for feedings. We have another bedroom upstairs with a bed in it but he says he doesn't like that bed so he has been sleeping in the Basement for.the past 7 weeks.

 

I am scared out of my mind upstairs .up all night with the baby. I fantasize about getting a studio apartment and just getting out of there. Is that extreme? I also feel just plain lonely and by myself at night with a new baby.

He does take the baby to the basement with him for a few hours so I can get some rest.

 

We have had other relationship.issues in the past with his temper and being selfish and controlling but he is diligently working on those. He has definitely improved. What should I do? I just want to feel safe.

Edited June 6, 2017 by newmommy1

[Mumbles]

I don't have any children, so my take might be way off - bear that in mind

 

You mention not feeling safe several times in your post. Has this feeling been brought on by the coming and now arrival of the baby? I wonder if you should see a therapist? Everyone should feel safe in their home - you are not ... there must be a reason for this. Are there red-neck neighbors trolling about the area or something bringing on this feeling?

[newmommy1]

I don't have any children, so my take might be way off - bear that in mind

 

You mention not feeling safe several times in your post. Has this feeling been brought on by the coming and now arrival of the baby? I wonder if you should see a therapist? Everyone should feel safe in their home - you are not ... there must be a reason for this. Are there red-neck neighbors trolling about the area or something bringing on this feeling?

 

No Im just a scaredy cat. I've always been afraid of intruders so I lived in apartments in buildings with security until I got married. Now I'm in a house with four entrances! I just want to pack my bags and move into a studio! And then the snake and mice made me even more scared! I'm a city girl, I don't do wildlife. But yes the new baby has also brought on new levels of anxiety because the baby is so fragile and we lost our first baby late in the pregnancy.

[QuietDan]

Due the physical nature of mice, just about impossible to keep them out. Especially in the country. Exterminator's say there are two type of people. People that know they have mice and people that don't know that they have mice.

[Mumbles]

No Im just a scaredy cat. I've always been afraid of intruders so I lived in apartments in buildings with security until I got married. Now I'm in a house with four entrances! I just want to pack my bags and move into a studio! And then the snake and mice made me even more scared! I'm a city girl, I don't do wildlife. But yes the new baby has also brought on new levels of anxiety because the baby is so fragile and we lost our first baby late in the pregnancy.

 

I get the city girl thing. My wife comes from a huge metropolis and isn't even comfortable with our house in the inner suburbs But different reasoning there. Its the quiet, the lack of lighting .. I'm a country boy, so I find this all comforting ... though we're hardly in the country haha.

 

However, having held a fear like you describe for a lengthy period of time - I don't think there is anything wrong with you, but seems to me perhaps a bit more severe than most of us ... perhaps worth a few therapist visits just to see if theres anything going on there? Facing and overcoming what otherwise at face value appears to be irrational fears can only be good - surely?

 

However, I don't really get the basement living thing. Man cave, sure, yep, get it. When a man marries the house becomes his wifes ... and to have a little space, just for him, I reckon is really healthy ... but he's sleeping in there? I find that a bit odd.

 

It could be simply no more than he describes, he needs sleep. I'm going to assume he is, at least temporarily, the primary breadwinner? If so, performing at work and providing for his family is probably paramount in his mind right now.

 

Can he not come up to join you on weekends? Friday/Saturday night?

[newmommy1]

I get the city girl thing. My wife comes from a huge metropolis and isn't even comfortable with our house in the inner suburbs But different reasoning there. Its the quiet, the lack of lighting .. I'm a country boy, so I find this all comforting ... though we're hardly in the country haha.

 

However, having held a fear like you describe for a lengthy period of time - I don't think there is anything wrong with you, but seems to me perhaps a bit more severe than most of us ... perhaps worth a few therapist visits just to see if theres anything going on there? Facing and overcoming what otherwise at face value appears to be irrational fears can only be good - surely?

 

However, I don't really get the basement living thing. Man cave, sure, yep, get it. When a man marries the house becomes his wifes ... and to have a little space, just for him, I reckon is really healthy ... but he's sleeping in there? I find that a bit odd.

 

It could be simply no more than he describes, he needs sleep. I'm going to assume he is, at least temporarily, the primary breadwinner? If so, performing at work and providing for his family is probably paramount in his mind right now.

 

Can he not come up to join you on weekends? Friday/Saturday night?

 

 

He was on paternity leave while I was on maternity leave. So we were both home all day. He went back to work this week and I go back to work next week. He still sleeps in the basement. He has tried to sleep up here a few Times but as soon as the baby wakes he is gone. On the weekends we hardly sleep together because he plays video games all night, that was even before the baby.

[GunslingerRoland]

There is a lot going on there, it's a huge difference wanting to live in an apartment in the city vs. a big house in the woods. You guys sure didn't compromise or negotiate in the middle on that one at all.

 

That said, you are probably way safer in a house in the woods that you are in an apartment in the city. I'd say feeling scared in your own house, just because your husband is on a different floor, is some pretty extreme anxiety, that you should be getting looked at. Call it being a scaredy cat, but it sounds like a clinical issue to me.

 

It's not uncommon for couples to end up sleeping in different rooms at points in a relationship, and a baby is often a common reason. However, if you're left feeling lonely because of it, it's an issue. Why is your husband spending so much time by himself in his man cave?

[Mumbles]

On the weekends we hardly sleep together because he plays video games all night, that was even before the baby.

 

Ahhh. I don't believe this was mentioned previously. Its the key element.

 

There is such a thing as addiction to video games. My cousins marriage failed for a few reasons, but this, the video game thing, was big among them.

 

There are tough times ahead here. This isn't going to be an easy nut to crack unfortunately. I'd suggest immediate couples therapy - seriously.

 

With you both back at work in the immediate, you are in very real danger of becoming overwhelmed. New baby, no sleep (because of baby waking), anxiety due to fear ... hubby is probably sleep deprived too, but because of the video game addiction - there are big nasty arguments looming I fear. Get onto this right away.

[sandylee1]

So what happens when you go back to work? Are you still expected to be the one waking in the night and being disturbed while he sleeps in the basement?

 

I am also scared of mice to the point my daughter thinks it's more of a phobia, which I agree with. That alone would make me want to leave the country.

 

If him being upstairs helps, then he needs to get a bed he's happy with upstairs in the other room.

 

I also thing that with you having thoughts of wanting to move to an apartment due to the fear... You need to let him know how much it's affecting you... He needs to know you are at that breaking point.

 

If things don't change, resentment will build up and you'll hate him for the move.

[spanz1]

why is the baby in YOUR bedroom? Put it in another room, and then your husband will come back to sleep with you.

 

If you coddle this baby, and respond to every single little cry, you will raise a kid with no ability to handle anything in life.

[sandylee1]

why is the baby in YOUR bedroom? Put it in another room, and then your husband will come back to sleep with you.

 

If you coddle this baby, and respond to every single little cry, you will raise a kid with no ability to handle anything in life.

 

Babies usually sleep in the same room as their mum for the first few months of their life.

 

There aren't many new mothers that would put a new born in another room and be happy with it.

 

That's not coddling the baby and it certainly doesn't mean that the child won't be able to handle anything in life.

 

Plus I don't think you realise just how tiring being a new mum can be. Getting up to feed is hard enough, without having to go to another room in the house, as well as the fear that you might be too deep in sleep to hear the baby cry.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't know if that is true. Most parents I know had their baby in a separate room.

[Crazelnut]

Why has nobody suggested the obvious? Pump enough milk, store it, and let this immature sorry-excuse-for-a-husband take his fair turn of nighttime feedings? Why is she catering to his sleep needs every night when she has her own legitimate sleep needs? This is a very selfish husband, and if she doesn't nip this in the bud, she'll spend the rest of her life raising her child alone.

[Els]

So many issues here, my head spins just looking at it...

 

1. You went along with buying a big house in the countryside just because he wanted it, and he wasn't willing to compromise (or you didn't ask for a compromise)

2. Your husband has a video game addiction

3. Your husband isn't being an active parent

4. Your husband doesn't value bedtime intimacy

5. You are "scared out of your mind" without him being within 10 feet of you as you sleep. While it's valid for people to want their partners to sleep in the same bed, the reason should NOT be crippling fear and inability to survive without him in the same room! You need to get help for this anxiety. It is NOT healthy/normal for a grown woman to be this way and NOT the same as just being 'a scaredy cat'.

[anika99]

Get an indoor cat to deal with mice in the house. Get an alarm system to deal with your fear of intruders. Most importantly get into marital counselling to deal with your husband's lack of maturity and intimacy issues.

[anika99]

why is the baby in YOUR bedroom? Put it in another room, and then your husband will come back to sleep with you.

 

If you coddle this baby, and respond to every single little cry, you will raise a kid with no ability to handle anything in life.

 

This isn't a toddler baby, it's an infant baby. You can't spoil an infant. Of course you respond to an infants cries. They need regular feedings and often experience painful gas. It's also the time to bond with them and give them a feeling of safety and security. What exactly should an infant be handling at this stage of their life? Infants are only aware of their own feelings and physical needs. A tiny newborn baby is incapable of managing their own needs.

[Cephalopod]

Sounds to me like your husband is a selfish, immature child. And weird too.

 

When my exWW had our daughter, there was no place I wanted to be more than in our bedroom...together... with our daughter sleeping next to us in her bassinet.

 

Did I lose sleep? Yep.

 

Did it make me groggy and cranky at work the next day? Yep.

 

Did my performance at work suffer? Yep.

 

But you know what? I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I loved and cherished that whole experience. It was the one happy time in my marriage when I really felt like I was really "home".

 

I cannot empathize with your husband in any way because i simply don't understand how a father and husband can think that way.

[BettyDraper]

Babies usually sleep in the same room as their mum for the first few months of their life.

 

There aren't many new mothers that would put a new born in another room and be happy with it.

 

That's not coddling the baby and it certainly doesn't mean that the child won't be able to handle anything in life.

 

Plus I don't think you realise just how tiring being a new mum can be. Getting up to feed is hard enough, without having to go to another room in the house, as well as the fear that you might be too deep in sleep to hear the baby cry.

 

This. I'm not a mom but I have plenty of experience with children of all ages. It's very common for a baby to sleep in a bassinet next to the parents' bed because of feedings. My brother and I slept in a bassinet in my parents' bedroom for about three or four months. It's impossible to spoil newborn babies because they need lots of attention to in order bond with their parents.

 

Being a new mom is tiring because of the constant sleep interruptions and feedings-especially if the mother is breastfeeding.

 

I don't think it's fair that the OP is waking up with the child while her husband gets to sleep like a log in another room. Unfortunately, I often observe men not doing their fair share of parenting. It also seems like the OP's husband always gets his way. Marriage is about two people.

[oldlion]

First let me say that I am married to a very strong woman. Not physically strong by character strong. There are two things she is deathly afraid of; mice and snakes. She saw a snake in the yard one day and came screaming in the house, stripping off clothes and had to take a shower. That from just seeing the snake. She too is a city girl who married a country boy. If she was afraid and wanted me to sleep holding her you can believe I would. If I said I was going to sleep in the basement, knowing her, she would tell me if I would not sleep with her then she would find someone who would. I'm sorry to say, if your husband knows of your fear and still leavers you to sleep in the basement, he is being very selfish and inconsiderate. Someone needs to have a serious talk with him. I do wish you well.

[standtall]

Had 3 kids in our family. Wife was a SAHM, and I worked to provide. None of the other speculated BS.

 

The kids did not, nor ever sleep in our room unless it was a dire isssue..sick etc. If she stays home and he works...she gets up with the kids, if she works and he stays home, he gets up...simple.

[amaysngrace]

Maybe he doesn't like that your lady bits have a function and they aren't just there to please him anymore?

 

Believe it or not that creeps a lot of men out.

[Cephalopod]

I don't think it's fair that the OP is waking up with the child while her husband gets to sleep like a log in another room. Unfortunately, I often observe men not doing their fair share of parenting. It also seems like the OP's husband always gets his way. Marriage is about two people.

 

Agreed. I was right there with my xWW, changing diapers in the middle of the night. It was worth the lack of sleep because it established a bond between my daughter and I that has remained to this day.

[BettyDraper]

Maybe he doesn't like that your lady bits have a function and they aren't just there to please him anymore?

 

Believe it or not that creeps a lot of men out.

 

I've heard about men getting turned off after seeing their wives give birth as well.

[amaysngrace]

I've heard about men getting turned off after seeing their wives give birth as well.

 

Yea I think there's a direct connection to men being birth partners and average family size going to 1.5 children

 

Back in my moms day the dads were left out in the waiting room. She had six.

 

I have three but that's cause my exH was a horn dog.

[BettyDraper]

Yea I think there's a direct connection to men being birth partners and average family size going to 1.5 children

 

Back in my moms day the dads were left out in the waiting room. She had six.

 

I have three but that's cause my exH was a horn dog.

 

Wow! That's an interesting hypothesis. I've never heard it before.

I think family sizes are smaller because people are having children later in life. The cost of living in most areas is astronomical and the younger generations are not enjoying the same level of job security.

 

I'm old fashioned so if I wanted children, I wouldn't want my husband in the delivery room with me. I don't even let him see my used feminine products, so I certainly wouldn't want my husband seeing my bloody and dilated vagina. The thought of pooping in front of my husband horrifies me and I know that pooping during giving birth is quite common. I believe in leaving some mystery between us. Thank God we're childfree.

 

Whatever the reason is, the OP needs to make sure that her needs are taken into account when decisions are made for her family. It seems like her husband's plans always take precedence and that's not what marriage is about. Compromise is needed or else resentment will become a problem.