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Trying to understand wife's [past] affair


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Old 23rd February 2017, 4:25 PM   #31
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Okay, I found the length of marriage and age of kids...right in front of me.

Anyhow, it is worth investing in some counseling and possible reconciliation but ONLY if she is willing and seems completely honest.
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Old 23rd February 2017, 5:01 PM   #32
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The problem with this one is the gusto and full-tilt submersion into depravity from the get-go. It's hard to even get my head around what remorse would look and sound like except for something like temporary insanity from unknown causes. Sounds like she's saying the OM is the cause.
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Old 23rd February 2017, 7:27 PM   #33
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Sounds like she's saying the OM is the cause.
Like nearly every other WS on here.

I'm waiting for one to someday say "My AP initially wanted nothing to do with me, I had to tirelessly pursue him/her until I broke down their nearly iron-clad resistance".

Won't hold my breath...

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Old 24th February 2017, 10:56 AM   #34
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So to correct a few things or more like better explain.
The deal in the van was him going down on her and that was it. This was confirmed by both of them.
She did say the sex was ok after thinking about it but at the time she though it was good and the excitement leading to it is why she continued to want it even thought they knew it wouldn't happen again due to the distance. It became more talk than anything and what they both enjoyed the emails and photos more than the real thing.
I am in no way trying to defend he arse..she has admitted to everything thing and has taken her share of the blame. She isn't trying to throw everything's big on him. She has admitted she wanted him because he made her feel desired and wanted and that because he was someone other than me it drove her. It seems that with most cheaters once the affair fog is gone and they have to see everythOmg clearly. I believe she is being truly honest now..but am skeptical about some details. This is all very much not characteristic of her at all..everyone who know her even says they same thing.
I may still love her but I am certainly not blind to who she is now and I make sure she knows it. Yes I am holding onto a little of the old her and is why I want to give it a little time to make sure I am making the right decision not only for me but my 3 young boys. She has been putting a bit load of effort in to me and the boys since DDay. I know some guys have gotten so screwed over by there ex wife/ or current wife and are really negative about my situation..I am right there with them. However I have to think about this with a clear mind and not jump ship till I can see the whole picture. I still talk to the AP wife and she confirms a lot of the things that have been told by my wife as well as him. I think had the stories been really off from each other there would be no hope. And neither my wife and this guy are smart enough to have the same stories be the same. Yes trust and loyalty have been broken beyond repair right now..trust me when I say I do have a set that I can drop her like the trash she is but I have to be able to focus and not make a rush decision..we are only 4 months into this. I do appreciate some of the advice. I don't want to waste anymore time than I have to with her but I don't see where at least 6 to 8 months would hurt to get the details cleared up..the old me would have just made the 2 of them disappear but when I met her I changed my life drastically and have become a better man for it..I wanted to be a good husband and father..to be the best at at least one thing in my life..she just didn't want the same thing anymore...sad part is now she does and it's too late..she took things too far..I know if I stay with her nothing will ever be the same and may end up ending down the road but I would like to give my kids a chance..is that so wrong..I don't really care what happens to me..my past isn't perfect and I had to do somethings no that still haunt me to this day..I have extreme PTSD and have issues controlling my rage..to be honest I am shocked I have leveled some people who deserve to be taken off this planet..I am trying to balance myself for my kids..again I do appreciate the help some have given and the insight as well.
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Old 24th February 2017, 12:03 PM   #35
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Cancel the Marriage Counseling. Spend the money instead on Individual Counseling. She needs to figure out why she did this in the first place. Marriage Counseling implies that you're at fault somehow. You're not. You were a good husband, as she's already admitted. You didn't cheat on your wife.

You might want to get Individual Counseling for yourself, just so you can work through the horrible damage that she's done to you.

You should also meet with a lawyer to better understand your rights.

Buy a DNA testing kit, and perform a paternity test on your boys in front of your wife. She can even help swab the inside of their cheeks. They are probably your children and look just like you, but it's a good way for her to understand the amount of damage she's done, and the fact that you'll never be able to trust her again.

Personally, if I were you, I'd file for divorce. It can be stopped at any time, but it sends a message about the seriousness of her offense. Honestly, though, in your case I think I'd go through with the divorce. The idea that she was giving herself to another man in a way that she couldn't be bothered to do with you would eat away at me forever. Does she have any explanation for this?

Find a decent woman who recognizes you as a man and treats you as such. There are plenty of them out there. Let her become the single spinster she should have been. She's treating you like a king now because she's just looking for a safe landing. Once she has that, she'll probably be looking for her next affair. This might not have been her first.
Please don't traumatize your kids like that.
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Old 24th February 2017, 12:44 PM   #36
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No, I know these kids are mine for sure and without a doubt. This is the first time she has ever done this and I also know this for sure. So what I am really trying to do is understand how this happened and the whys..which from what I understand I will never get fully based of what I have read, our therapist who has been great. I also have an uncle who has gone through this and his wife's affair I would have to say was way worse than mine but the have managed to fix there's and have been married 27 yrs now. Her affair happened around the same yr of marriage as my wife's..it seems a lot of affair happen around year 9 to 11 yrs. I know of like 12 couples who's affairs happened around that time..which I don't fully understand either.
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Old 24th February 2017, 12:57 PM   #37
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Friend, just don't settle because in the end this is about your happiness. Reconcile for the right reasons and if she won't value you enough do what's right for you. Life is hard enough and if your with someone you can't trust to have your back when your not there to do it yourself, well, enough said, just don't compromise yourself by settling for someone who isn't as invested in the marriage as you. Talk to a lawyer about a postnuptial agreement, if she won't honour her word to you perhaps a financial consequence is more suitable. Who wants to waste their life monitoring their spouse, competing for her attention with other men isn't part of a husbands duty.
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Old 24th February 2017, 1:06 PM   #38
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There is the cliche "7 year itch". I don't understand people either. My husband's affair fir in that timeline. I called it "Itchy knicker syndrome". I too know other couples who have suffered infidelity at this time with young children. It's awful!!

I think you're doing the correct thing. Take your time. You don't need to commit to reconciliation until you're completely decided.

I know that many don't believe in reconciliation in these circumstances but I know couples who have truly done the work & recovered from adultery going on to have really good marriages....

I also know others who have divorced. Things would be much easier if you didn't have your boys. My children are my priority in everything. You're not very far from d-day. I was still very much in shock. Please keep posting. Choose what's relevant to you. We're all very different people & at the end of the day need to do what's right for us & our lives.

Best wishes. I know how hard it is.
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Old 24th February 2017, 1:58 PM   #39
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You know the hardest part this is trying to stay with someone who has been with another man in our marriage. To do it so quickly and little to no care of how this was going to effect me and our children..I believe those ideas effect me the most..all the other details are just fuel on the fire..but it was what was used to make the fire that burns the most...
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Old 24th February 2017, 2:47 PM   #40
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So If you had an A like she did, what would she do?

'would she file for D?

I still think she is like a drug addict for the OM. Druggies can not get fixed that quickly. She still has some fondness for him inside her.

Has she paid back the money she spent on him? Has she thrown away the clothes she wore for him and tossed out the presents he gave her?

Have all the tapes that she made been destroyed or did she give you a copy for your D attorney?

Did you watch the tapes? Has she been tested for stds?


So when is she going to make tapes with you?

I like you can give it some time, but with her drug addiction, I do not see her as someone that has your back or will ever have your back in the future.

I think you need to get the D done while it is a good time. You can still live together, but marriage vows do not mean anything to her.

Then the next time she does this, it will be easier to get her out of your life.

She must really hate her family to go off on her drug fueled affair so easy. Or really be addicted to the OM. and future OMs.

Last edited by harrybrown; 24th February 2017 at 2:48 PM.. Reason: edit
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Old 24th February 2017, 3:25 PM   #41
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So If you had an A like she did, what would she do?

'would she file for D?

I still think she is like a drug addict for the OM. Druggies can not get fixed that quickly. She still has some fondness for him inside her.
As far as he goes she has no care for him. She never had those kind of emotions for him. They used each other as a distraction from their real lives. He stopped emailing her back around the end of September of last year and she was honestly happy because she wanted it over but was scared to because she felt he would contact me and tell everything. She wanted to tell me on her own but didn't know how too. She is truly glad he is gone because all he wanted really were the pictures and chats and like most things where you do it for so long it becomes the same crap over and over again. She began to feel annoyed with him just always wanting to see pictures and talk about sex. It got old..

Has she paid back the money she spent on him? Has she thrown away the clothes she wore for him and tossed out the presents he gave her? She did throw away everything she ever wore during that time for him including jewelry

Have all the tapes that she made been destroyed or did she give you a copy for your D attorney? The sex videos were destroyed back in January of last year. She even stated that she stopped watching them during 2015 because the lost their excited and felt she looked ungly in them at that time.

Did you watch the tapes? Has she been tested for std's? I did not watch the tapes..I don't think I could have done that..she's prob be dead had I seen those. I did make her get tested for STD's and the came back negative..how ever 2 weeks after she was tested I got tested and found I had HPV..the bad thing is I know where I got it and it was in college before her. So I told the AP wife and she went nuclear on he and I laughed my ass off..I hate it for his wife but hey that what happens when you screw around with another mans wife. Justice served.


So when is she going to make tapes with you? We have made serval since DDay..I don't know if she's telling the truth but she says that our look way better than what they did. That in part that we are no longer have vanilla sex any more. Funny part is he got the same vanilla sex we had..how sad..

I like you can give it some time, but with her drug addiction, I do not see her as someone that has your back or will ever have your back in the future.

I think you need to get the D done while it is a good time. You can still live together, but marriage vows do not mean anything to her.

Then the next time she does this, it will be easier to get her out of your life.

She must really hate her family to go off on her drug fueled affair so easy. Or really be addicted to the OM. and future OMs.

Therapist truly believes she is one of those one time offenders..wether that is true or not on time will tell..a second affair would be the end of her and a postnuptial is a good idea.
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Old 24th February 2017, 3:30 PM   #42
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Staying in Marriage just for your kids is bad idea. Really,really bad idea. Trust me on this one.

I grow up in this Family and I never learned what Marriage is to be honest. I looked at my father and mother trying to learn something but all I got is consant yelling,crying,drinking,avoiding each other...

Your wife told you sex was bad but after thinking it was good. You know the truth!!! She watched videos of them and masturbated,picturing herself doing it all over again. In your own home,with kids and you in another room.

Respect yourself.
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Old 24th February 2017, 3:57 PM   #43
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She never said it was bad. What she said is she thought it was good at the time but that she couldn't have an orgasm. She felt the goingto Arizona would give her a chance to see if it could be better but yet again he couldn't deliver again. She then again thought that if they could have more time in vegas that it would allow them to relax more. But he got cheating again and it didn't happen. She said she was glad it didn't happen because once she got to vegas she realized that it would have been the end of everything had he come and stayed with he. She told the therapist that it was a relief. When she had to look back at everything like most thing when you on the high you think everything is fing awesome and way better then it is in reality. Which is why know off the A high she can see it for what it was..it is also why she is devastated about it all. She was willing to give up 12 yrs, her life and family for something that couldn't compare to what she had all the time..not trying to make excuses for her or her actions..however I have to look at everything with a clear mind..do I want her to pay for what she did...F yes!! But my kids are my #1 priority..I come from a divorced family and my father was a serial cheater..I don't want my kids to have to go through with what I did but at the same time if she turns out to be an serial cheater I will have no mercy either..I use to be one of those kind of people who would just say F it and F them and would walk away..I'm not doing it just for my kids..I'm doing it because I want the facts to become clear for me through this process..I have talked with an attorney and papers are drawn to which she knows..but what's another 4 months to make a decision..to make the right one..not just for me but my kids..they are so young and will be crushed even more than they are now..before I have to break their hearts I want to at least make the correct choices and not be like her and take the easy road..
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Old 24th February 2017, 4:10 PM   #44
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And just for the record..who hasnt sleep with someone and the sex be sub par but keep doing it just because it was available and the person was cool..if you haven't then you didn't have a very active sex life when you were single. Sometimes you can be hangging with a cool person and it lead to sex and even if it wasn't great sex you would still sleep with them because it was there and you enjoyed their company..I'm no fool..I do understand some things..again not trying to defend her nor say that was the issue in her affair. But there are some thing that have been said in therapy that prove it.

I also know what I am worth and have a lot of self respect for my self. I've spent most of my life in the military world..I am well traveled and trained..but can't let emotions over cloud my judgement..if that was the case you would be read this and would be seeing me on the news instead. I've been reading these forums for a few months and have to say there are people who have it way worse than me. But again I am trying to make decision with a clear mind..not for her but for me and for my kids..don't get me wrong..I respect everyone's point of view and can appreciate you all for giving you view on things..I guess I was looking for more insight and thought bugs to think about while making my decisions for my life. I feel for all the others whom I sit in the new boat with and I thank you for giving me a place to sort out thing and get insight from other experiences. I look forward to future conversations and maybe a little light at the end of the tunnel.
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Old 24th February 2017, 7:21 PM   #45
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Have all the tapes that she made been destroyed or did she give you a copy for your D attorney? The sex videos were destroyed back in January of last year. She even stated that she stopped watching them during 2015 because the lost their excited and felt she looked ungly in them at that time.
So what you are saying is that she avoided showing you a copy by telling you that she destroyed them.

Her claim that she destroyed them even as the affair was still ongoing should be your first clue that she was lying. The fact that she let the other man have permanent lifetime digital video records of her having sex with him is what would really bug me. No matter what the other man says, there is no way that he would destroy them (he was always asking her for photos and videos). It is just too easy for both of them to store and hide digital copies for them to have actually gotten ride of them. That was a decision that she knowingly made that will last long past the end of the affair.

Last edited by Try; 24th February 2017 at 7:23 PM..
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