Hawk88 Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 You could probably tie this into all the sexless marriage threads but it's question I have in my head and it bugs me about sex in a marriage/ relationship... I have recently come across a number of articles/studies that say anywhere from 60-80% of women fantasize about other men during sex with their husband. This really bothers me. I understand fantasizing during masturbation and general daydreaming but during sex...if I was thinking about someone else, the ONLY reason would be because I don't want to be with the person in front of me. I just can't think of it any other way. Hearing all these stories of sexless marriages makes me think of this. So I guess I'm asking women (and men too I suppose)...do you do this? If so...why? And do you think most people just plain and simply get tired of the same person and need variety? This makes me worried about ever being married. Being in love with a woman and wanting her and then she tries to picture me as Ryan Gosling or something ... I dunno if I could get over that. Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 What makes you think you can control other people's thoughts? You know... if my wife was picturing some other dude, and told me, what would I do? I'd laugh and say to her 'sweet! Now picture giving him a blowjob!' And drop my pants. You can only control yourself in this world, that's it. And sometimes not even that. Reaching for more is disaster. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Life lessons Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 I'm one of those statistics! I fantasize during sex! I do think it has a lot to do with being sexual with the same person for so long! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 No I don't fantasize during sex, in too busy concentrating on how my body feels 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Yes I do this. All the time? No. Occasionally? Yes. Some people are hard wired for monogamy I think. They find that "one" and sexual desires for any variety go away. For others this is not true. Also, I think it's hard for those who have not been in a long term relationship to weigh in on weather they would, or wouldn't fantasize - limit your sex to the same women for 15 or 20 years than report back that your mind had never wandered. I personally wouldn't have a problem if my husband's mind wandered occasionally - if he HAD to think of someone else to get off, then we have a problem 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 I have recently come across a number of articles/studies that say anywhere from 60-80% of women fantasize about other men during sex with their husband. This really bothers me. This makes me worried about ever being married. Being in love with a woman and wanting her and then she tries to picture me as Ryan Gosling or something ... I dunno if I could get over that. Well, that is pretty black and white thinking. And, those kind of expectations and inflexible thinking will only bring you unhappiness... Look, nobody wants to be with someone who is always fantasizing about someone else... If that is happening, there are probably other problems in the relationship. But really, you can't control someone else's thoughts. People will do what they want to do and is it really such a bad thing to have the occasional fantasy... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hawk88 Posted April 28, 2017 Author Share Posted April 28, 2017 Nothing against fantasizing. I'm only talking about during actual sex. If you're fantasizing about someone else...why not just masturbate or be with someone else. It sends the message of "this is who I really want...but I guess you'll do" The analogy that pops in my head is going to a restaurant and ordering a cheeseburger and pretending it's pizza.... I would just go order pizza. I've never done it because I'm usually too busy enjoying the actual person in front of me. I mean if I'm having sex with someone and she's ignoring me and thinking about Brad Pitt....what am I doing there? I'm not judging...to each their own but I would just hand her a vibrator and leave. Lol;) Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 Well, unless what you're doing is completely boring, she's thinking about a combination of Brad Pitt and you. Thinking about you if you looked like Brad Pitt. Something like that lol I can't really say I generally fantasize about someone else during sex (masturbation is different) because yeah, I'm usually busy thinking about the moment and what's actually going on. I'll admit my mind has occasionally wandered to memories of another lover, and it's hard to get that out of your head when it suddenly flashes up, but I didn't intentionally set out to think about that it just happened 1 Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 During the last five years of my marriage it was Idris Elba every time. Since Ive been single Idris almost never crosses my mind. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Superchicken Posted April 29, 2017 Share Posted April 29, 2017 Nothing against fantasizing. I'm only talking about during actual sex. If you're fantasizing about someone else...why not just masturbate or be with someone else. It sends the message of "this is who I really want...but I guess you'll do" The analogy that pops in my head is going to a restaurant and ordering a cheeseburger and pretending it's pizza.... I would just go order pizza. I've never done it because I'm usually too busy enjoying the actual person in front of me. I mean if I'm having sex with someone and she's ignoring me and thinking about Brad Pitt....what am I doing there? I'm not judging...to each their own but I would just hand her a vibrator and leave. Lol;) Get over it. You would be surprised how quickly they will go from one person to another person in their fantasies. Let them have their fun. I would assume your educated. So why would you think that they 100% think they are actually having sex with their dream guy. Dude, you can drive a Studebaker, and pretend all you want its a Lamborghini, but, ultimately, YOU KNOW its NOT one. They know in the back of their minds, its still you/us. Its just "Window Dressing" for the shop inside (You/us). My wife has a couple of different ones, and it doesn't bother me. In fact, it becomes a competition on who preforms better. I can say, I seldom loose . Secret is, don't give them enough time to think of anyone, or regroup. Attack, attack.. Be adventurous, and do new things, and work on her needs first before yours. Start to get worried if she takes the fantasies outside "Your" relationship. It similar to watching porn. Some just cant handle that, and others, don't care. People on here are devastated due to REAL cheating. Don't worry too much about fantasies, except for having them WITH your spouse. Ted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 I dunno if I could get over that. If Tom Cruise swoops in and sweeps my wife away, I've just come to accept I'm toast. Other than that, I think we're OK... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jooles Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 I think Tom Cruise might fancy you more than your wife...? Ultimately what really matters is that your partner is with you. What goes on in her head during sex is her business! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 I don't think about others during sex. Honestly, I've never really considered it. I suppose I am one of those that's hardwired for monogamy. If my partner isn't one of those people, I've learned that I'd rather know sooner rather than later. I've really had enough of a third person being involved. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 What if I fantasize I am some one else? Because ya know - Chris Hemsworth with my big...hammer. Makes me feel all Demi God like;) Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Seriously however, I have at various times thought about a fantasy woman only when I was having trouble achieving and O and needed to finish for both our sakes. Its rare. Its not like I want to go get a divorce so I can call Jennifer Connelly or Gina Carano, I also suspect (pretty sure - almost certain) my wife as it times thought about someone else - or perhaps even a previous experience. Its not a happy thing for me to consider, but i can't control her thoughts or what she needs to get "into it" or "get off" in the moment. Alcohol or extreme passion usually is involved on her end when I suspect this happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hawk88 Posted May 1, 2017 Author Share Posted May 1, 2017 You are all better people than I am. The whole celebrity crush thing just makes it feel like they can't have who they would really want...so they settle for you. I still think that if a person can't get off to the person in front of them then there's something wrong but that's just me. I mean think about people doing this and how many people cheat. Every study I've ever seen shows that a majority of both genders cheat. You people don't think there's a correlation between picturing your spouse/SO as someone else and the high incidence of infidelity? I can't help but think that way. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Hah, well in some ways picturing your spouse as someone else could be a way to prevent cheating, because you don't really need the 'variety' in the real world if you can get that variety in your mind while still sleeping with the same partner! Don't know if it actually works that way though I'm not really the sort of person looking for a constant variety of bed partners anyway. There's cybersex and roleplaying though where couples take turns pretending to be all kinds of different things, but it's still really a relationship they're sharing together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 This isn't a woman thing. After 25 plus years of sex with the same person, every once in a while my mind drifts off to another woman, usually Sarah Sliverman, who I don't even find attractive go figure. We are human, ideally we would always be present with our partners during sex. However, no one is ever always present. Things like admiring someone else for being physically attractive only causes as much or little trouble as you allow. Understand being with someone doesn't mean that everyone that is the same sex stops being attractive. Nor does fantasizing stop, you do and so will she. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 usually Sarah Sliverman, Is that like thinking about baseball? Lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hawk88 Posted May 1, 2017 Author Share Posted May 1, 2017 I'm single....can you tell? Lol I can see both sides. It does make sense that fantasizing during sex actually helps a relationship. I just have personal issues I suppose. I just couldn't get the idea of my gf/wife with someone else out of my head. The only problem is inside my own head. I did once have a gf in college who was open about the fact that she would have sex with someone who was famous....Brad Pitt in particular because of how it would be a once in a lifetime opportunity that would be impossible to pass up because she would live in regret for the rest of her life if she didn't...but it would never happen so I shouldn't worry...lol Well I started to avoid sex with her after that. As embarrassing as it is... I couldn't even masturbate for awhile after that conversation. The relationship fell apart soon after...go figure lol Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 I'm single....can you tell? Lol I can see both sides. It does make sense that fantasizing during sex actually helps a relationship. I just have personal issues I suppose. I just couldn't get the idea of my gf/wife with someone else out of my head. The only problem is inside my own head. I did once have a gf in college who was open about the fact that she would have sex with someone who was famous....Brad Pitt in particular because of how it would be a once in a lifetime opportunity that would be impossible to pass up because she would live in regret for the rest of her life if she didn't...but it would never happen so I shouldn't worry...lol Well I started to avoid sex with her after that. As embarrassing as it is... I couldn't even masturbate for awhile after that conversation. The relationship fell apart soon after...go figure lol Well if you can't get past the idea of your wife or girlfriend with someone else out of you head then you had better not date or get married.... All jokes aside, you had better get a grip on this insecurity, because a huge part of female sexuality happens between thier ears...only a small part between her legs 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Is that like thinking about baseball? Lol She is appealing, just not physically attractive to me.... I think it's the jokes about her sex life. Sounds like fun and light hearted Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Just curious, how old are you and what's your longest relationship? I can almost guarantee that after you've been in a really long relationship, you will think differently about this. And I'm not trying to sound condescending or anything, I hope it doesn't come across that way. It's just hard to imagine feeling this way about fantasies during sex after being in a decade+relationship or married for half your life. I think this is one of those things that young people might obsess over but it quickly becomes a nonissue when you've been married for a long time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Seriously however, I have at various times thought about a fantasy woman only when I was having trouble achieving and O and needed to finish for both our sakes. In thinking about this, it occurs to me I'm never this mindful during sex. I'm either focused on my wife and what she's feeling or sort of mentally leaning back and taking it all in, more passenger than driver mode. It's like watching a beautiful sunset, never occurs to me to fantasize about a waterfall instead. Hawk88, must be women out there feel the same way. As with doubles in tennis, success in marriage is all about partner selection... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hawk88 Posted May 1, 2017 Author Share Posted May 1, 2017 I'm in my mid 30s and have been single for the most part for the last decade. College was really the last time I was active in the world of dating/relationships. Longest relationship...about a year give or take. I was 22 at the time. To be honest I have friends of both genders...most are in relationships or married, some are single. I get lonely sure but whenever I listen my friends stories of relationships/dating/flirting/sex to be honest I feel glad I don't have to deal with that stuff. I go back and forth but ultimately as others have said on here...it's probably for the best that I'm not dating right now lol Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts