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Husband doesn't want sex, I get angry and make things worse


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I've been with my husband for 8 years, married for close to 3 of those years. Our sex life has always been a bit complicated from the start. He is an analyzer and an over-thinker. He has consistently had issues with having sex, because he claims he "thinks about it too much and it makes him nervous". For a long time, I tried everything to get him to have passionate, spontaneous sex with me. I would dress up in lingerie and surprise him after his college classes got out. Try to grab his cock through his pants and be very blatant about my intentions. Most times, these attempts failed, and he eventually admitted that he didn't like it when I was overtly sexual towards him because it made him nervous. He says my sexual nature intimidated him, so I sort of gave up. He was also very secretive about the porn he watched, and about his sexual interests in general. I have zero issues with him watching porn, and expressed an interest in watching it with him, but he refused to do this for years.

 

Fast forward to now. He has finally opened up about his sexual interests, and we have a lot of the same kinks, which is great. We do occasionally have great sex, but it's kind of a luck of the draw most of the time. Like the planets just happened to align in our favor that day. We watch porn too, but never together. In fact he won't interact with me about porn or kinky stuff unless we're sending it to each other through our phones, from different rooms. He's also extremely meticulous about hygiene. There's no such thing as spontaneous sex, it requires hours of prepping. We both have to shower thoroughly, shave absolutely everything, do our hair, I have to put on makeup, and I have to wear a particular type of tank top he likes to "get him in the mood". Then we go into separate rooms and send each other porn videos and gifs from tumblr, sometimes for three hours straight before he's in the mood enough to actually have sex with me. Oh, and 75% of the time we have to be drinking beforehand as well so he's tipsy and not as nervous.

 

In the last couple of years he has also developed ED. So now sex has to be planned even more, because Viagra is expensive so if he takes a pill, we basically have to have sex or it's a huge waste of money. Timing his pill in itself is a chore and has led to some disappointment and arguments.

 

I also know I haven't helped at all, because even though he tells me I'm attractive and I'm not the problem, when he turns me down for sex, I take it extremely personally and feel like I'm at fault. I get angry and demand to know what I can do differently to instigate sex, but he tells me there is nothing, that I just have to wait for him to tell me he's in the mood. So I basically can't do ANYTHING to make sex more appealing to him. I don't even feel comfortable trying to flirt with him at all. This is difficult for me because I feel like if I was sexy enough, I could change his mind and make him want sex with me. Unfortunately our society has trained us to believe that men always want sex and if they don't, it's because they don't find their partner attractive, so I always blame myself. I have self-esteem issues as it is so I take the rejection very personally.

 

My question is, where do I go from here? Do I accept that I can literally do nothing to put him in the mood, or do I keep trying anyway? Is there anything I CAN try that won't make him nervous? Unfortunately we're stuck in a loop where I try to ask for sex, and he immediately is nervous because he knows if he says no, I'll get upset, so it puts a lot of pressure on him to say yes which obviously has the opposite effect. I don't know how to not get angry. I feel awful that he has confidence issues and now has ED making those issues worse, but I'm more upset that he won't even try. He can at least touch me and make me feel wanted, even if it's not with his penis. The fact that he won't even try makes me feel like he's lying and really doesn't find me attractive. How can I approach this with him to try to break this viscious cycle?

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He has a porn addiction and cannot perform unless he is being stimulated by porn which is why you have to go hide in another room and send him porn to get him excited enough to actually have sex and then when he finally does it it's still more like he is having sex with his porn rather than you. You can't fix this. He will have to give up porn and get therapy. If you don't have kids you should likely divorce because he is unlikely to get help.

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Although porn is a contributing factor, it's not entirely about porn. I agree that he'll need to ween himself off, but that won't necessarily result in making him horny for real life sex, and it won't fix anxiety. It's sound like he's OCD, anxious and mysophobic. He probably needs to see a sex therapist to try and unravel this stuff. It's hard to know if it will be successful.

 

Generic viagra and Cialis can be ordered from offshore internet pharmacies for a fraction of the cost. Of course, Cialis is a long-acting drug for daily use, so timing isn't critical. Viagra is good for 8-12 hours, so timing isn't critical with it either. The mistake to avoid is waiting too late, or taking it on a full stomach. Taken on an empty stomach with a big glass of water it will be effective in 30-45 minutes. Taken on a full stomach it may be a few of hours, or it might not reach the desired concentration to be effective. Also, don't swallow a pill and wash it down with alcohol. I suspect that alcohol can neutralize the active ingredient in the stomach (but not in the bloodstream).

 

So, the erotic fantasy is something he's having issues with. This is often caused by porn, but I suspect that his may be skewed to begin with and exacerbated by the porn. What happens is that new/different neural pathways are developed that replace real life stimulation triggers. He needs to adjust toward real life triggers and away from the imaginary, manufactured stuff. Sex therapists understand the issue and can help if he's motivated to work on it, however, it's probably not going to be quick or easy.

 

It's commendable that you're seeking help. All too often we see women judging harshly for sexual issues, esp. involving porn. My guess is that you will be able to improve things but that it's not going to change him into a horn-dog that drags you off the the bed chamber screaming and cursing three times a day.

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He needs help, plain and simple.

 

His attitudes towards sex and his inability to be turned on by you indicate a serious problem. If he is unwilling to seek help, then I am afraid you're pretty much stuck.

 

May I ask, knowing that he essentially avoids sex and how that makes you feel, why did you marry him?

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No more porn for he can't handle it and for you because he will say it is not fair that you still get to watch it.

 

 

Then IC for him to sort out his issues.

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That sounds awful. I would be upset and unhappy too.

 

I am also dating and analyzer and over thinker, but our sex life is nothing like this. I would suggest that he needs counselling - he almost sounds like he has some OCD tendencies.

 

I'm sorry.

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He needs help, plain and simple.

 

His attitudes towards sex and his inability to be turned on by you indicate a serious problem. If he is unwilling to seek help, then I am afraid you're pretty much stuck.

 

May I ask, knowing that he essentially avoids sex and how that makes you feel, why did you marry him?

 

Expat is just totally correct. I mean you have been dealing with this the whole marriage??? OMG!!!

 

Did you realize that he was messed up? Or are you just now starting to realize it?

 

I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like, but whatever it is you need to get out.

 

Unless he will let you see other people, how could you live with this.

 

Listen, he is sick, period. You will probably never be able to help him. And it does not sound like he wants to help himself.

 

Sweety, I just say get out while you have some youth left. No woman should be subjected to this type of stuff, ever. I think it is abusive in a certain way.

 

Get out now...

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This is the man who got all excited at the prospect of "swinging" with another couple and he got very close to the other woman, Jen.

He said he needs close emotional connection to have sex, hence why he was so interested in Jen. He did not want a sex only relationship, he wanted to get emotionally involved.

He was distraught when you pulled the plug on the swinging as you couldn't cope with the emotional involvement.

 

It doesn't take a lot to deduce that he doesn't want to have sex with you as he is probably very angry that you took away Jen from him and he feels no emotional connection with you now at all, so sex is off the menu.

 

I personally would not be surprised if he and Jen are now having an affair and he now feels guilty when you want to have sex as he is "betraying" her.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/600009-two-married-couples-friends-benefits-situation

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I have to agree with Elaine about your husband and Jen. They have a strong emotional bond.

 

One thing you could try is to be more submissive and see how he reacts to it. You seem rather assertive and I think it turns him off.

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Well, this is certainly more complicated than what you first posted... You left out a few important details.

 

Your relationship, certainly your sexual relationship, is complicated and unhealthy. Why anyone would want to have such a relationship and live like this is beyond me... Will it get better, in a word - No.

 

Your husband has huge issues - not the least of which being that he is attracted to another woman more than he's attracted to you. IMHO, you have been WAY to accommodating and you have enabled him.

Edited by BaileyB
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We watch porn too, but never together. In fact he won't interact with me about porn or kinky stuff unless we're sending it to each other through our phones, from different rooms. He's also extremely meticulous about hygiene. There's no such thing as spontaneous sex, it requires hours of prepping. We both have to shower thoroughly, shave absolutely everything, do our hair, I have to put on makeup, and I have to wear a particular type of tank top he likes to "get him in the mood". Then we go into separate rooms and send each other porn videos and gifs from tumblr, sometimes for three hours straight before he's in the mood enough to actually have sex with me. Oh, and 75% of the time we have to be drinking beforehand as well so he's tipsy and not as nervous.

 

Has he every been diagnosed or treated for OCD or any other personality disorder?

 

Also, he has so much secretive and "closeted" stuff can't help but wonder if he might be gay and has never come to terms with it? I had a friend who came out in college, told me drinking was the only thing that got him through his few encounters with women.

 

Lots to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

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He has a porn addiction and cannot perform unless he is being stimulated by porn which is why you have to go hide in another room and send him porn to get him excited enough to actually have sex and then when he finally does it it's still more like he is having sex with his porn rather than you. You can't fix this. He will have to give up porn and get therapy. If you don't have kids you should likely divorce because he is unlikely to get help.

 

I agree. He has a porn issue and is so used to using his hand to get himself off. But, he'll deny it. Don't believe him.

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ShatteredLady

When I read your OP I didn't realize that you were the member with the 'Swinging & Jen' problems!!!

 

The 2 situations don't make any sense together!! He can get it up in a swinging with Jen scenario?? This is a WAY different issue than your OP.

 

 

We had friends, a couple, who everyone viewed as being kind of strange. Very uptight. Very high maintenance. He wouldn't use the toilet in any of our houses!! When he needed to 'go' he would drive home!!! He was completely offended when a friend of ours bought her a sex toy gag-gift for her 40th birthday...to the extent that he wanted her to cut all contact with her. He was so uptight.

 

We met through a toddler group with our first babies. They had terrible difficulties conceiving their 2nd child. Years of fertility treatments. She finally became pregnant & gave birth to a lovely little boy but they still had loads of bedroom problems like you.

 

She eventually discovered that he had been having a sordid affair with a subordinate coworker the whole time!! How does a man so uptight that he won't even use a strange toilet carry-on an affair?!? We were astounded!!

 

I'm so sorry but if I were you I'd be digging deeper into what's actually going on in your marriage. I think there's a lot more to this than meets the eye.

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Wow, I am flabbergasted that this is the same person that was pushing for swinging.

 

You described yourself as a sexual person who had a lot more experience than he does - how, oh how do you ACCEPT this? Because you do accept it, otherwise it wouldn't have gone on for years.

 

My self-esteem would be in the dumps if I were you. Being desired by your partner? One of the great joys in life. You have been robbed of this, and you are helping him take it from you.

 

I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like, but no F'ing way would I enable this.

 

And I don't know how to advise you because this is so far gone. I would say NO MORE porn, insist on making your needs clear and that he must fulfill them. But you can't flip a script like that after YEARS.

 

He was quite ready and willing to bang Jen. She didn't have to hide in another room and send him Tumblr posts.

 

In all of the open honesty ya'll had going, was his huge sexual hang ups discussed? I am thinking not, as I bet Jen would have found his habits repulsive and not sexy in the least.

 

I am usually not one to scream divorce over a sexual issue - but how low are you going to let him drag you?

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I was wondering if a few people would remember my post from November about our failed foray into swinging. I do see how that can be confusing. Let me clarify a bit further / give a bit more backstory, because as usual I feel I painted him a bit unfairly here.

 

My husband is a great person. We get along amazingly. We're one of those annoying power couples that is always together. Maybe that in itself is unhealthy, but we're very attached to one another. Nothing in our day to day life makes me feel like he doesn't love me or isn't being attentive enough, or would cheat on me. Several times a day he will come hug me out of nowhere and tell me how beautiful I am. He even loves the parts about me that I hate and makes it known that I have nothing to worry about.

 

However, as others have mentioned, I do think he has OCD, and he also has severe sexual performance anxiety issues. He wants things to be perfect and he wants to be the best lover possible. His mother had OCD too and would go on cleaning binges that would sometimes last days. He's not quite that level, but he gets extremely anxious if the house is even a little bit cluttered. That's why he's so meticulous about hygiene. Cleanliness is very important to him in all aspects of life, not just sex. (But hey, the great news is I NEVER have to ask him to do anything around the house because he likes to clean.)

 

I have my own personal issues as well that greatly enhance his performance issues. I was sexually abused by a family member as a child, and at 13, I was raped by a man twice my age. I was in several emotionally abusive relationships, and one physically abusive one, before meeting my husband. On top of all that, after I was raped, I spiraled into depression and self-harm, and my father, who had been wonderful and attentive to me while I was a child, basically shut me out and stopped talking to me altogether because he didn't know how to approach my moodiness as a teenager, and a teenager going through some serious emotional turmoil on top of it. To this day, my father and I don't talk. Due to all this, I have some residual unhealthy views of sex and relationships, and I have extreme abandonment issues. If I get turned down for sex, I immediately assume it's because I'm not good enough and take it extremely personally. I jump to the worse case scenario, thinking that his lack of interest in sex means a lack of interest in me, and then I worry he's going to leave me. I've been trying to tackle this issue for years with varying degrees of success. Sometimes I let it roll off my shoulders, but other times I get triggered to past unhealthy behavior. When I engage in this behavior, it only makes his anxiety that much worse, to the point where the prospect of sex often gets equated with me getting upset.

 

My abandonment issues are also one of the reasons why our attempt into swinging failed. Once another woman came into the picture, I couldn't reign in my jealousy. I was convinced my husband was going to leave me, even though he gave me all evidence to the contrary. As an aside, we did give up swinging with our two friends, though it's not completely off the table for the future. We still see them all the time, and our friendship seems to have mended itself. I still don't see them as a problem. It was a failure to establish proper boundaries, and my abandonment issues, that caused it to fail. Nobody has any hard feelings from what I can tell.

 

But back to my husband and moving onto the other issue, the porn use. I don't think he's "addicted" to porn necessarily but I do think he relies on it heavily as a tool for getting things going. Another thing he has relied on more is the use of dildos for me. This is part of what sparked the interest in swinging, as well. He likes the idea of me being with other men. He has a hard time keeping an erection, even when he takes Viagra, and using dildos on me gives him a chance to take a break and get back to where he needs to be while still keeping me pleasured. He is also visually turned on by it, as well. So a lot of our fantasies tend to involve me having sex with other men. Really, his main concern in sex is keeping me happy, but he is very preoccupied with the idea that he can't keep himself hard which all but ensures that it happens. Our fantasies and looking at porn that are centered around these fantasies help keep him erect during the act. Same with him having a few drinks beforehand.

 

So all this said, both my husband and I have personal issues we're dealing with and I wouldn't be surprised if people just think we're both completely bat-**** insane and need professional help. I would actually love for us to get therapy but sadly we can't afford it right now. Hence why I'm on this forum instead :D

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Oh, I also wanted to mention, too....in our brief stint with our two married friends, Jim and Jen, my husband didn't get insta-hard because Jen was involved. In fact, he couldn't keep his erection during the one sexual encounter we had with them. He was unable to have sex during that encounter. Even when Jen and I did things to him with our mouths, he couldn't keep it hard. So this isn't about him having a sexual preference for Jen or for other women in general. If anything, he would have probably had an easier time keeping it up if we had done more to Jim during the encounter. He's certainly not looking for action with other women because he doesn't want me, I think he's just looking for kinkier interactions in general with the hopes that it will help him maintain an erection.

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So all this said, both my husband and I have personal issues we're dealing with and I wouldn't be surprised if people just think we're both completely bat-**** insane and need professional help. I would actually love for us to get therapy but sadly we can't afford it right now. Hence why I'm on this forum instead :D

 

I really can't offer you any insight. I think maybe if he tried some anti-anxiety medications it would calm the nervousness. Otherwise I think his issues are medical issues not psychological.

 

I wish you the best of luck with your marriage!

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How old is he? How is his health? Has he seen a Dr about his erection issues?

 

I am sorry, OCD or not, having to send texts from a separate room to your husband to get him in the mood is not in the realm of normal.

 

Do you have health insurance? Most providers have copays at $30 for counseling. I think that is what is desperately needed, not complicated swinging with your friends.

 

Hey, if you spend that Viagra money on counseling you might not need the pills at all.

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Recentchange, that is a good point about the cost of pills being enough for therapy sessions, ha.

 

He's not old. He's 27. However, he was born very premature (born at 5 months after his mom had complications with a bicorunuate uterus) and he had a heart murmur, and possibilities for other health complications down the road. I am actually partially convinced he is having heart problems, because when I listen to his heart beat when he is at rest, it sounds like it's going too fast. His blood pressure has also been consistently "at risk" when he's had it checked (at risk for being too high). However he did actually go to a cardiologist to have his heart checked a few years ago and they never got back to him with news of any kind, so we're assuming nothing was wrong or they would have contacted us. I'm not exactly sure but it makes me nervous. More important than maintaining erection, I would prefer my husband be healthy and not be at risk for anything serious or life-threatening.

 

I will talk with him about switching out the pills for seeing a counselor or therapist of some kind, but I already know how that conversation is going to go. He's going to get mad and say we don't need help, and it's probably going to increase the sexual rift between us. I don't know that there's really a way I can broach that topic with him without it deeply offending him. He doesn't see our sex life as a problem and I'm pretty sure he views all of it as completely normal (because he doesn't know any better since I'm the only person he's really ever had sex with.) So me suggesting we get help is going to be a huge blow to his ego and probably make him even more scared of sex. Sigh...

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However he did actually go to a cardiologist to have his heart checked a few years ago and they never got back to him with news of any kind, so we're assuming nothing was wrong or they would have contacted us. I'm not exactly sure but it makes me nervous. More important than maintaining erection, I would prefer my husband be healthy and not be at risk for anything serious or life-threatening.

 

This might be worth sharing. I had lots of weird symptoms, lethargic, headaches, ED, constant bloody noses... ect. I couldn't even lift weights at the gym because I would get dizzy and sick. I felt it was my blood pressure but the doctor disagreed. They tried to treat each symptom separately and nothing was working. Finally, I got them to prescribe blood pressure medication for my bloody nose issue. Like magic everything was fixed. The ED went away and my sex drive went back to normal.

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Whoa, given his blood pressure and possible cardiac issues, who prescribed the Viagra?

 

Well sounds like you two have a HUGE communication issue, and I am here to tell you. Until you two can TALK about sex, openly, honestly, in a very vulnerable way, this isn't going to get better.

 

And please don't even think about swinging until you two can TALK about your sex life.

 

This isn't normal, maybe he really is clueless and doesn't know, but he has to know.

 

It's you job to tell him this isn't working for you. This wouldn't work for the vast majority of humans.

 

You two are WAY too young to have so many sexual difficulties and hang ups.

 

As for his erection issues, that is a HUGE sign he isn't healthy. Either physically or mentally - either way, it needs to be treated, sticking your heads in the sand won't fix it.

 

If I were you, I would be scared to death of him taking Viagra. It is not for those with high blood pressure or for those with an elevated heart rate.

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Jersey born raised

I suspect Mr Lucky may be right, your husband is bi-sexual and actual leans towards homosexual. You need to discover what type of porn he watches.

 

The part about him getting an erection when Jim was involved but having difficultly when it was only you and Jen is telling.

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