Dealing with invisible boundary line between wife & ex-wife

[combri]

Quick facts:

-I (38) was married to my ex (35) for 8 years

-Divorced for 7 years now

-We had 2 kids together (8 & 9); 50/50 custody

-I have been with my wife (31) for 5 years, married 4

-my ex is 8 months pregnant with my child

-my current wife and I are having fertility problems

 

My ex always says "I don't care that you are married, I care that you are married to her". Me ex is adamant that my wife is overstepping in our kids lives. I personally don't feel like she is overstepping at all, but maybe I have rose colored glasses on.

 

My ex wants my wife to be present in our kids lives, but not involved. ie, come to the sports games but don't cheer for them or help them. Come to their school plays/shows, but don't help with their homework. Treat the boys like her own, but not really. Love them, but not too much. She wants her to be a shadow in the background who doesn't beat her kids, basically.

 

My wife takes an interest in everything the boys do. For example, my youngest is really into dinosaurs. My ex's solution to that is to buy every dinosaur toy out there. My wife on the other hand researched dinosaurs, learned about them so she can teach my son facts, made learning games, found books and took him to a dinosaur museum. My ex found out, through our sons, and says my wife is taking over their interests and saying my ex is incapable of doing that. For the record, my ex has never taken a similar interest. My wife loves kids and loves being involved. She is a pediatric nurse.

 

My wife is amazing and everything that I could ask for. She is the type of person who is always happy, calm and understanding. Even when **** hits the fan, she is calm. She's always happy and smiling. My ex thinks she is annoying, probably because she is the opposite: cold and bitter. My wife has been patient and understanding through the whole transition. She is amazing with my sons and treats them like her own. My son's love her and have a great relationship with her. We have had hiccups (more like earthquakes) in our relationship but have always worked through them. Even when she is hurt or angry she always stays very calm and tries to work through it. She's a saint, honestly. I have only seen her yell once in our marriage - and it wasn't after my affair.

 

While my sons are here my wife spends all of her free time with them. She is always down on the floor with them or outside, fully involved (ie, not sitting on the couch observing). She gets right in there with the mess and fun. She never posts pictures of the boys on social media, she doesn't call them her own children, she doesn't overstep on plans, she only sees them outside our custodial days if there is a sports game, etc. She asks how to handle situations as they come up and even if she disagrees she goes along with it. She doesn't get involved in disagreements with my ex and I. She stays out of parent-only things like doctor appointments and parent-teacher conferences. She never bad-mouths my ex, even if I am (in private). She has never tried to be a replacement mother. She has made attempts to get to know my ex for the boys sake, even though I know she would rather not. She talks positively to the boys about their mother.

 

My boys love her. They often greet her before me when we pick them up together. The ask for her if they need help. They say that they have 2 moms and are extra lucky. By their own choosing, they call my wife "mom". We have never told them to or expected it. My ex HATES it and thinks we should discourage it. They have a mother-son dance coming up at their school and asked if both of their moms could go. You can imagine my ex's reaction to that...

 

It's my job to deal with it, if I didn't want to then I should have stayed married to my ex. Is my wife really overstepping? Should step-parents have no interaction with the kids at all? That's not ok in my book. While they are in our house, my wife is their mother-figure.

 

My ex is pregnant with our 3rd baby and it's caused even more problems. Which are entirely my fault and I own them. This one is all on me. My ex doesn't want my wife involved with the new baby at all. She has been trying to get us back together and give us another shot. She liked the idea of divorcing, until she realized another woman would be in the kids lives. She thinks my wife is trying to replace our kids as her own, because of our infertility problems. She is threatening to keep the baby from me because of my wife, and I suspect a long court battle is in my near future.

 

My wife is still recovering from the affair. She has been patient throughout. My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for 4 years with no luck. This pregnancy has obviously been hard for her. My ex likes to rub it in her face. My wife doesn't say anything or get involved but in privacy is upset. My wife really wants to have a baby that is our own. I already have kids so I don't have as strong of a need. This was a huge slap in the face to her and something we are still in MC for. My wife feels like my ex always wins and she can't live up to our relationship because we haven't gone as far or been to the same level.

 

Is there even a solution here?

[darkmoon]

"They say that they have 2 moms and are extra lucky"

 

so both of them say the same thing? seems scripted, cliche-like, adoptees get to say the same "lucky" word, as a cover for a broken past

 

go back to your ex, imo, go where you belong

Edited December 7, 2016 by darkmoon

[Birdies]

Wow. What a mess. You need to stop worrying about what your ex thinks and focus on your WIFE! Your ex's feelings = not your problem anymore. You have one priority, and that is your wife. She sounds amazing and you're f*cking lucky you still have her, given the whole affair and baby with the ex-wife thing. I mean, wow dude. Just wow. And I say this as someone who's had an affair too. But what you've done is the lowest of the low.

 

I would buy the book "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" and follow it to a T. You need to cut off ALL non-essential communication with your ex and focus on your WIFE! Make it your mission is life to worship her and make her secure in your marriage. Or just divorce her and get back together with your ex. But if you want to stay married, you need to cut your ex out of your life and focus on your partner who you've betrayed and hurt deeply.

Edited December 7, 2016 by Birdies

[combri]

"They say that they have 2 moms and are extra lucky"

 

so both of them say the same thing? seems scripted, cliche-like, adoptees get to say the same "lucky" word, as a cover for a broken past

 

go back to your ex, imo, go where you belong

 

My oldest said it first. We were doing a school assignment that involved making a family tree. There was space for a mom and dad, we were explaining that my ex is his mom and my wife is his step mom. He said he wanted to put both down because both were his moms. Followed by him saying he was lucky to have two moms because some kids only had one. Now he says things like that a lot, "I love having 2 moms", etc. My younger boy started saying it after he did.

 

We have never coached them to say that, my ex sure as hell didn't.

 

I'd rather kill myself than go back to my ex.

 

Wow. What a mess. You need to stop worrying about what your ex thinks and focus on your WIFE! Your ex's feelings = not your problem anymore. You have one priority, and that is your wife. She sounds amazing and you're f*cking lucky you still have her, given the whole affair and baby with the ex-wife thing. I mean, wow dude. Just wow. And I say this as someone who's had an affair too. But what you've done is the lowest of the low.

 

I would buy the book "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" and follow it to a T. You need to cut off ALL non-essential communication with your ex and focus on your WIFE! Make it your mission is life to worship her and make her secure in your marriage. Or just divorce her and get back together with your ex. But if you want to stay married, you need to cut your ex out of your life and focus on your partner who you've betrayed and hurt deeply.

 

Generally speaking, I agree with you. However, she is the mother of my kids. I have to get along with her enough to co-parent. I see her regularly at sports games, music performances, school events, city events. That can't change. My ex wants to change the custody agreement in her favor, that is very much my issue. As it is, we only talk about things revolving around the boys. There is no "chit-chat".

 

I know having an affair with her was a horrible thing to do, and I am extremely lucky to have my wife by my side. I'll look into the book. We are in MC and working through it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is there even a solution here?

 

Boy, have you stepped in it.

 

So this woman who already resents your wife is pregnant with your child?

 

Wouldn't you suspect this pregnancy is less than accidental?

 

Hard to imagine a more devious and manipulative thing to do, especially considering the fertility problems in your current marriage.

 

My wife really wants to have a baby that is our own. I already have kids so I don't have as strong of a need.

 

Can't help but ask - then why impregnate the ex?

 

combri, thought I'd read it all on LoveShack. You've disabused me of that notion...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Wow! You have BIG problems...

 

I consider myself to be a strong woman... how your wife finds the strength to stay with you when she has infertility problems, and you had an affair and are having a baby with your ex wife - that I could not even begin to find the strength to do. Although, maybe staying with you after such a betrayal isn't actually "strength." You'd be out of the house and I'd have your key at this point...

 

Your current wife is not really out of line with your kids. Your ex-wife sounds like a very manipulative, controlling woman. I definitely think that this was a "planned" pregnancy - although maybe not on your part...

 

I thought I'd seen it all too, but apparently not! Good luck to you.

Edited December 7, 2016 by BaileyB

[Birdies]

Generally speaking, I agree with you. However, she is the mother of my kids. I have to get along with her enough to co-parent. I see her regularly at sports games, music performances, school events, city events. That can't change. My ex wants to change the custody agreement in her favor, that is very much my issue. As it is, we only talk about things revolving around the boys. There is no "chit-chat".

 

I know having an affair with her was a horrible thing to do, and I am extremely lucky to have my wife by my side. I'll look into the book. We are in MC and working through it.

 

Well that's all well and good to say, but your post is all about your ex's concern about your wife's involvement in your / your kids' life. I'm saying you're on VERY thin ice here, and you need to start caring a lot more about your wife's opinions on things and a lot less about your ex's. Just because you two are the biological parents does not make your ex's feelings more important than your wife's. I think you need to do a lot more research on how to be an effective partner in reconciliation after your affair - ESPECIALLY given that you can't follow the standard and necessary advice of cutting off all contact with the affair partner. For example, read this, print it out, follow it: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

"Is there a solution here?" The solution is to tell your ex that her concerns are invalid and that your wife is a great step-mom, and stop caring what she thinks because it's irrational, and cut her out of your life as much as you can. Or you're gonna lose your wife too.

[BettyDraper]

 

You're VERY lucky that your wife is still with you.

 

Your wife has some major self esteem issues. I feel so sad for her; I can't imagine what it must be like to struggle with infertility and then endure my husband's affair which resulted in a pregnancy.

 

It's clear that you don't have any love or respect for your wife or else you wouldn't be so concerned about your scheming ex wife's emotional needs.

 

I would encourage both you and your wife to seek individual counseling. This could result in your wife realizing that she deserves to be treated with respect and she will hopefully become far more assertive. IC might also help you understand the consequences of your actions and how to rebuild your current marriage.

 

Your ex wife's concerns are just white noise by a very manipulative and immature woman. Discuss co parenting concerns with her and nothing more. Your wife's relationship with her stepchildren is none of your ex wife's business.

[combri]

There isn't a doubt in my mind, I know my ex got pregnant on purpose.

 

1. She wanted to get back together
   
2. She wanted to hurt my wife
   
3. She found out that my wife and I were having fertility problems
   
4. She claimed to have an IUD
   
5. I used condoms every time
   
6. She insisted that I finished in her (with a condom), when we were married she never wanted that.
   
7. 6 months into the affair she got pregnant
   
8. She expected we'd get back together as soon as she found out
   
9. She turned into a raging (blank) when I said we weren't getting back together
   

I don't know what she did, but she did something. Poking holes in condoms, dumping the contents inside her. She did something. I had a DNA test done to confirm and it is my child. It's too messy to have been a real accident.

 

I had no intention of getting her pregnant. To be honest, I didn't want more kids at all. My wife does and I'm happy to make that compromise, with her. No one else. The last thing I wanted was my ex to get pregnant. The affair was a stupid lapse in judgement, but a pregnancy was never part of the plan. I deserve what happened, my wife didn't.

 

I know I was (am) a terrible guy for having an affair, let alone an affair with my ex-wife. My wife worried that I'd go back to my ex, I always told her that I wouldn't (and I believed it when I said it). One of her biggest fears happened and I am to blame. I would do anything to take her pain away. I hurt her terribly. Getting my ex pregnant when my wife hasn't been able to, that was the icing on the cake. Not only did I stab my wife in the back, I twisted the knife around and around.

 

We just completed our 5th IVF cycle, our fertility specialist didn't recommend going past 3 because if the first 3 didn't work chances are other cycles won't. This is hard enough on my wife, she didn't need the affair and a pregnancy on top of it. Trust me, I feel like utter ****. I would spend the rest of my life making it up to her. I'd do anything to take the pain away.

 

My wife doesn't believe in easily walking away from a marriage, which I suppose is good for me. I know most women wouldn't wait and try and work it out. We have both done a bit of IC, not as often as MC. To be honest, sometimes I've wondered if she has stuck around because we have embryos frozen.

 

I wish I could just walk away from the woman I had an affair with. I'd love nothing more than that. Obviously I cannot, and I do what I can to make my wife more comfortable and trusting. My wife is there for a lot of exchanges now, if she cannot be there I text or call her when I'm leaving, when I get there and when I'm home. I am completely open and transparent with her and let her know what I'm doing all the time. She is aloud to go through my phone if she wants, though I don't think she ever does. I answer every question she has wanted to know about the affair, no matter how many times I have to answer it. I have never and will never blame her for the affair. We follow all of the steps and tips that our MC offers. Sometimes I wish she would just let go and lash out, let all of her emotions out. She internalizes so much and always slaps on a happy face, at some point she has to explode.

 

I have asked my ex to do co-parenting counseling. Maybe it would let us communicate better and make her realize that another (loving) woman in our son's lives isn't a bad thing. She wouldn't agree to that, at all. She is so adamant that my wife is crossing all of theses boundaries, but it appears she isn't crossing them at all. I'd love to tell my ex to F-off, I really would. My sons are more important than that.

 

I definitely do love and respect my wife. I'm not concerned about my ex's feelings. I'd like to wish death on her, but that would hurt my sons. It's concern for my sons and that she wants to go back to court to restrict visitation because of this. I want my sons to be as happy as possible, I wish we could all get along - for them. If my ex's opinion was valid then I'd listen but it appears it is not valid at all, which is what I suspected.

[minimariah]

He said he wanted to put both down because both were his moms. Followed by him saying he was lucky to have two moms because some kids only had one.

 

here is the thing -- children usually address their family members (stepparents included) the way their environment teaches them. so while you didn't coach them to address your wife as their mom (& by the way... the words in bold do not sound like something a young child would subtle suggestions), you didn't teach them otherwise either - and THAT is the problem. you didn't actively raise them, you kinda go with the flow and let THEM raise THEMSELVES.

 

so what you SHOULD do - sit down with the children and explain to them who is WHO in their lives, what is or isn't appropriate and so on. and keep repeating it until they learn. i'll be honest - i don't think you have what it takes to pull that off in the 1st place and i don't think you even WANT to either; your X is actually right to be upset at her kids calling someone else MOM & she is also right to think that it is you & your wife who taught them to do so (because that's exactly what happens in 90% of all cases). she is right to ask you to help because, at the end of the day, it is HER role in question.

 

your wife seems like a lovely person. she doesn't seem like someone who oversteps her boundaries, no. but you know who does? YOU. it is actually YOU who actively tries to replace the X with the new wife in a role of a mother; your entire 1st post is explaining just how much better of a mother your wife is & how she's a MOTHER-FIGURE while the kids are with you. so it's obviously you who keeps pushing her in that direction, the X keeps arguing against it and your poor wife is trapped somewhere in the middle. you know how parents use their kids as a tampon zone & fight over them, use them as weapon? that is exactly what both you and your X are doing to your wife. long story short - it's not your wife. it's you.

 

i do believe you love your sons and want what's best for them - but that doesn't mean that you're a good father to them. this entire story is confusing to ME... and i am an adult - imagine your sons. so they have two moms... the 1st mom isn't living with their dad, the 2nd mom is. but now the 1st mom is having a baby with their dad even though the 2nd mom is the wife... i mean, WHAT?!?

 

There isn't a doubt in my mind, I know my ex got pregnant on purpose.

 

your self-righteousness is absolutely baffling. it's SUPER simple - you had sex with the X, for months. it wasn't a one time thing, it went on and on and on and on... if you didn't do that - you wouldn't be in the mess you're in right now. you really came up with an entire conspiracy theory in order to dodge ALL responsibility... and no, writing empty phrases such as "oh, i know i'm a horrible dude" doesn't cut it.

 

there really is no solution to your problems. you're stuck with your X and this is your life for the next 18 years. ups and downs, stress, the X commenting your relationship with the children and with the wife... she is the children's mother. even if you seek & get full custody - she will still be very much around & she will fight you tooth and nail every step of the way. you cannot get rid of her and you cannot kick her ot of your life - so... be nice, careful, suck it up & pray for better days. obviously, there is an option for dealing with the situation legally but you don't have a case whatsoever so there is that... & neither does your X so i doubt she'll restrict your visitation. the custody will most likely remain shared.

[BaileyB]

Your affair was a six month lapse in judgement? Did I read that right?

 

That's not a lapse in judgment... A lapse in judgment is "we got drunk one night and things happened that shouldn't have happened." What you did was make a conscious decision to betray your wife time and time again by sleeping with a woman who had the power to absolutely destroy your wife and your marriage.

 

And to think, in your original post you were seeking advice on how to negotiate the relationship between your wife and ex-wife. You were primarily concerned with your ex-wife's feelings about your wife's behavior toward your children. It seems to me that your wife has the most appropriate boundaries and is the most honest and responsible adult in the family.

 

I hurt for your wife. I can not even begin to imagine how a woman could heal from such a betrayal from her husband. You say that you understand, but you simply can not even begin to understand the pain you have caused or you never would have done something so devastating to your wife in the first place.

Edited December 8, 2016 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

She wanted to hurt my wife

 

I'm tempted to say she found a willing partner.

 

You do realize that your ex's next move will be custody games and non-cooperation. This will become even more fun when another man arrives on the scene. I'd assume, caught in the crossfire, all three kids will suffer.

 

No need for anyone here to beat you up, you've sentenced yourself to two decades of hard time. I don't envy you - or anyone else involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[combri]

My sons know the difference between their mom and step-mom. We have explained it to them many times and used other resources to explain it. We had them in counseling in the beginning to help with the transition (and again now). In the beginning she was just Sara, as they got closer it started to shift into mama Sara, then mama/mom. When my ex started getting upset by that we tried to come up with another word, just for my wife. My wife is part Czech and we decided to use a Czech word for mom, which I believe was "maminka" (or something similar). Being so similar, it didn't take long to go back to mama, what is native to my boys. We did try and correct them, but mom or mama is what stuck. They were given options, and could choose what to call her, whatever they were comfortable with. They kept reverting to mom, that is what they are comfortable with. Calling someone else mom doesn't mean they don't know who their real mother is.

 

Calling my wife mom was never encouraged, and my wife was unsure about it in the beginning. She is use to it now and is okay with it, but is also okay if they want to call her something else. We remind them that they can call her other names.

 

I could be pushing boundaries, I don't see it but I could be. I am not trying to replace my ex as their mother, I replaced her as a wife. She is still my boys mother. My wife is more suited to be a mother, but she will never be their mother. I would never try to remove her from their life or get full custody, unless there was a strong reason for it. Unless she becomes a danger to them, she is far better being in their lives. I'd like to kick her out of my life, but that is not an option.

 

Making some bad decisions does not automatically make a bad father. When I had the affair, I believed that there was a chance we would get back together. There was a lot surrounding the affair and why it happened. Of course it never should have happened and I own the decisions I made.

 

My ex getting pregnant is not a conspiracy theory. Looking at the facts and knowing she is certifiably nuts point well in favor of her doing it on purpose. She knew she was pregnant for 2 months before telling me. Do you know the day she decided to tell me, on my wife and I's wedding anniversary. Specifically called out of the blue knowing damn well what day it was. A day that will forever be celebrated and should be a happy day, has turned into D-day. Not once have I tried to avoid responsibility. From the beginning I have taken responsibility for it all. Yes, her getting pregnant was a mutual mistake but that does not erase the likelihood that she did it on purpose. Everything that has arisen from the affair, is my fault I know that. I have not thrown blame around.

 

The affair was 7 months. At the time I thought there was a chance we would get back together. It was stupid of me to think, but I did. One of my sons was having some serious medical problems and was in and out of the hospital. I was staying at my ex's (well my house really) house occasionally because it was significantly closer to the hospital. My son had to stay within a certain distance from the hospital and I'd otherwise not see him. Yes, staying the night was mistake #1. Along came the thoughts that my sons would be better if we were together. Then reminiscing about the past late at night, her saying how much she has changed since the divorce. Sitting together late at night because we couldn't sleep. Sitting in the hospital nervous waiting for test results. Being a couple started falling back into. When we had sex for the first time it was like things had fallen back into place, just the familiarity of it. I wanted to give my ex another chance before I brought another child into the world with my wife. The sex with my wife had become solely about making a baby. We could only do it at certain times, do it even if we didn't want to, couldn't do it even if we did want to. The fun of sex was lost, and found with my ex. My ex went along with it out of malice, and now she has the satisfaction of knowing she hurt my wife and our marriage. She has said, she doesn't want my wife to ever feel like she won. I am not trying to make any excuses, it was wrong regardless of why it happened.

 

I know that my ex is going to make my life hell for as long as she can. I never wanted to hurt my wife. I did, I know that I did, but it was not my intention.

[whichwayisup]

I think ALL of you need to put the kids first and stop the drama and no more affairs with your ex wife! No wonder your current wife doesn't trust you and is scared you're going to go back to your ex wife. Sadly you kind of brought it on yourself by cheating... You took a chance by sleeping with your ex that she could get pregnant.

 

DO family counseling. ALL of you 'grown ups' go. Figure it out for the sake of those innocent kids.

[camillalev]

My ex went along with it out of malice, and now she has the satisfaction of knowing she hurt my wife and our marriage.

 

She didnt hurt your wife, you did.

 

''It'' wasnt a mistake, YOU made a mistake.

 

You ''wanted to give your ex a chance before getting your wife pregnant''? So you intentionally had an affair with your ex behind your wifes back with the intent of possibly leaving her.

 

Not once in this thread have I seen you taking responsibility for your actions and the hurt you've caused.

Edited December 8, 2016 by camillalev

[elaine567]

I know that my ex is going to make my life hell for as long as she can. I never wanted to hurt my wife. I did, I know that I did, but it was not my intention.

 

YOU also hurt your ex deeply too by engaging in this false reconciliation with her.

[BaileyB]

No doubt, you hurt your wife and your ex-wife. But, to deliberately get pregnant and then call you on your wedding anniversary to tell you that she is having your baby... That's a special kind of crazy.

[minimariah]

They were given options, and could choose what to call her, whatever they were comfortable with.

 

& THIS is the problem. they were given options and OF COURSE - they will choose what they feel YOU approve, encourage and so on. instead of sticking with Sara, you came up with another solution - which only encouraged them to go back to MOM/momma. there is nothing you can do at this point though - and the same goes for your X - they're older and they'll call your wife whatever they want. unfortunately for you, your X is very unlikely to accept and deal with that as a mature adult.

 

stepparenting is complicated, it's very hard sometimes to draw a line between... what a child does out of affection AND what a child does because of subtle suggestions & encouragements. it's a dangerous territory but... nothing can be done. your X can't take you to the court for it and she'll continue to be mad and give you a hard time over it and you'll continue to deal with it

 

My ex getting pregnant is not a conspiracy theory. Looking at the facts and knowing she is certifiably nuts point well in favor of her doing it on purpose.

 

it doesn't matter - that was my point. it really does not matter; you had a choice. sure, she probably did do it on purpose but it all starts and ends with you. so her intent, her plans do not matter. i find it interesting how you chose to have an affair with the X, out of all other people... it's almost as if you wanted to punish your wife or hurt her for being hurt YOURSELF with the state of your marriage. at the end of the day - i am not worried about your wife, she'll be fine. i'm worried about your kids. i believe you're handling it the best way you know how but... it is what it is. luckily, the relationship with their stepmother is obviously great so that's a huge plus.

 

and again - don't worry about the custody, visitation issues and so on. your X does not have a case, she can't do a thing. maybe, with time... when she sees your marriage is alive and well - maybe, she'll finally back off. you need to focus your support on your kids and the wife. showing the wife you're on HER team, with HER. also, she doesn't need to have any contact with the X. let it all go through you and don't pass on any nasty messages + explain it to your X that any disrespect won't be tolerated. that's all you can do.

Edited December 8, 2016 by minimariah

[MJJean]

It takes a village. Really.

 

Growing up, I called my two closest friends mothers Mom. My mom and their moms more or less banded together to ride herd on the neighborhood kids and all contributed to our upbringing, so they were all "mom". I'm 41 and STILL call my best friends moms Mom.

 

I also call my step mother Mom even though she came into our lives when I was grown, on my own, married, with kids of my own. I call my MIL Mom, too.

 

My kids call my two best friends, the ones I grew up with, Mom. They also call their step mother Mom when they're getting along with her. My daughters were both in LTR's and called their boyfriends mothers Mom, too.

 

My kids, of course, call me mom. So do a few kids I was involved in helping raise, my daughters SO's, and my closest friends kids. Hell, half my son's track team calls me Mom.

 

Your whiny, manipulative, ex can kick rocks. Especially considering what she did to your wife by having an affair with you, deliberately getting pregnant, and telling you on your anniversary. If the kids want to call your wife Mom, your ex can freakin suck it up and cope.

Edited December 8, 2016 by MJJean

[anika99]

My ex always says "I don't care that you are married, I care that you are married to her".

 

The above sentence in your first post stood out to me. Did you happen to have an affair with your current wife while you were still married to your ex? If so, that would explain a lot.

[combri]

I met my wife while I was married, but there wasn't an affair. My ex thinks there was an affair, but there wasn't. Not even a hint of one. My wife is a pediatric nurse. 8 of the first 12 months of my second sons life were spent in the hospital. She was with him the entire time. She was extremely supportive to all of us and was amazing with both of my boys. We had good nurses, and bad nurses. She was amazing. Went above and beyond, with all of the kids there not just mine. We were all thankful for her. When my son was discharged I'd see her occasionally if we were in the hospital, maybe a few times a year. We'd talk briefly if there was time, but only about how my son was doing. I did find her attractive and may have flirted, but that is it. She wasn't even on my radar until my divorce. We didn't start a relationship until I had been divorced for 2 years.

 

Regardless of what my ex thinks, I didn't cheat on her. My son was an infant, going through two open heart surgeries. The last thing on my mind was another woman. My wife has more class than to get involved with a married guy. She was always very professional and even 2 years after my divorce was a bit unsure.

 

So because my ex thinks I had an affair she has made it her life goal to make my wife miserable. I have trouble even deciding what the lowest thing she has done is. She tried to make my wife lose her license by complaining about misconduct. I wasn't the patient but was considered "vulnerable" and us having a relationship at the time would have broken a rule about maintaining personal boundaries. My ex claimed that my wife conned me into a sexual relationship because of my vulnerability in the situation. It was taken very seriously. I didn't have sex with my wife until we were married. Then waiting until my wedding anniversary to tell me she was pregnant, just to hurt my wife more. My wife doesn't want to celebrate that day anymore. The day we are supposed to celebrate our marriage is the day she discovered I betrayed the marriage. To her, the best day of her life became the worst. My ex rubs it in my wife's face that she is pregnant with my baby and my wife isn't. Just last week at an exchange she said I will never love my wife as much because she can't give me children and we have a deeper relationship than my wife and I will ever have. And that "this is what she gets" for stealing her husband. I know it's BS, but it hurts my wife. I always stop it and don't let her bully my wife but she blurts this crap out just to hurt her. My wife only goes because she doesn't trust that I won't cheat again.

 

The affair with my ex was my choice, I have always owned that. As soon as things started crossing the line, I should have left. I should have been open with my wife about what was going on, rather than lying to her and hiding things. My wife has said she would have rather I cheated with anyone else, anyone but my ex. My wife has said she will always have a one up on her and this will never be let go. Having an affair with my ex was easy, I suppose. The familiarity of it, the comfort, getting closure. My marriage still isn't out of the woods. I don't know if it will survive this new baby coming into it. The new baby has the same congenital heart defect that my 2nd son has (hence using condoms and supposedly an IUD). It was caught earlier this time and isn't as bad but he is still being born via c-section and immediately going to surgery. My ex scheduled the c-section for December 22, so I won't be home with my wife for Christmas (and she has no family here). My ex purposely arranged it at a hospital 4 hours away so I won't be home for a while and my wife can't see me at work. I'll be spending a lot of time with my ex, and it's going to kill my wife. A sons health problems are what triggered the affair.

 

I know that I hurt both of them. I let my ex have a glimpse of hope that we might get back together, even though I don't think she really wanted that. She just doesn't want my wife to have me. Regardless, I know I hurt both of them.

 

I'd love for my ex to stop with the revenge and mind games. To stop using my sons as weapons. I don't see that happening anytime soon.

[S2B]

Wow, I can't believe your current wife stays with you while you got your ex wife pregnant again.

 

YOU are the problem. YOU have boundary problems and cheat.

 

 

Stop being the cause of harm to so many - including an unborn baby.

 

Get professional help to k OW why you don't have any inclination of a boundary for yourself.

 

Consider going back PERMANENTLY with the ex wife...she has (will have) three kids with you and you ought to think of forfeiting the love you may have for your current wife.

[Birdies]

I met my wife while I was married, but there wasn't an affair. My ex thinks there was an affair, but there wasn't. Not even a hint of one. My wife is a pediatric nurse. 8 of the first 12 months of my second sons life were spent in the hospital. She was with him the entire time. She was extremely supportive to all of us and was amazing with both of my boys. We had good nurses, and bad nurses. She was amazing. Went above and beyond, with all of the kids there not just mine. We were all thankful for her. When my son was discharged I'd see her occasionally if we were in the hospital, maybe a few times a year. We'd talk briefly if there was time, but only about how my son was doing. I did find her attractive and may have flirted, but that is it. She wasn't even on my radar until my divorce. We didn't start a relationship until I had been divorced for 2 years.

 

Regardless of what my ex thinks, I didn't cheat on her. My son was an infant, going through two open heart surgeries. The last thing on my mind was another woman. My wife has more class than to get involved with a married guy. She was always very professional and even 2 years after my divorce was a bit unsure.

 

So because my ex thinks I had an affair she has made it her life goal to make my wife miserable. I have trouble even deciding what the lowest thing she has done is. She tried to make my wife lose her license by complaining about misconduct. I wasn't the patient but was considered "vulnerable" and us having a relationship at the time would have broken a rule about maintaining personal boundaries. My ex claimed that my wife conned me into a sexual relationship because of my vulnerability in the situation. It was taken very seriously. I didn't have sex with my wife until we were married. Then waiting until my wedding anniversary to tell me she was pregnant, just to hurt my wife more. My wife doesn't want to celebrate that day anymore. The day we are supposed to celebrate our marriage is the day she discovered I betrayed the marriage. To her, the best day of her life became the worst. My ex rubs it in my wife's face that she is pregnant with my baby and my wife isn't. Just last week at an exchange she said I will never love my wife as much because she can't give me children and we have a deeper relationship than my wife and I will ever have. And that "this is what she gets" for stealing her husband. I know it's BS, but it hurts my wife. I always stop it and don't let her bully my wife but she blurts this crap out just to hurt her. My wife only goes because she doesn't trust that I won't cheat again.

 

The affair with my ex was my choice, I have always owned that. As soon as things started crossing the line, I should have left. I should have been open with my wife about what was going on, rather than lying to her and hiding things. My wife has said she would have rather I cheated with anyone else, anyone but my ex. My wife has said she will always have a one up on her and this will never be let go. Having an affair with my ex was easy, I suppose. The familiarity of it, the comfort, getting closure. My marriage still isn't out of the woods. I don't know if it will survive this new baby coming into it. The new baby has the same congenital heart defect that my 2nd son has (hence using condoms and supposedly an IUD). It was caught earlier this time and isn't as bad but he is still being born via c-section and immediately going to surgery. My ex scheduled the c-section for December 22, so I won't be home with my wife for Christmas (and she has no family here). My ex purposely arranged it at a hospital 4 hours away so I won't be home for a while and my wife can't see me at work. I'll be spending a lot of time with my ex, and it's going to kill my wife. A sons health problems are what triggered the affair.

 

I know that I hurt both of them. I let my ex have a glimpse of hope that we might get back together, even though I don't think she really wanted that. She just doesn't want my wife to have me. Regardless, I know I hurt both of them.

 

I'd love for my ex to stop with the revenge and mind games. To stop using my sons as weapons. I don't see that happening anytime soon.

 

This is just horrible, and you are equally complicit for allowing this to continue. You are going to need to choose between spending time with your ex, and keeping your wife.

 

You can go to your kids' events and not be around her. You can drop the kids off without talking to her. You can even have a damn baby with her without interacting.

 

I can't believe your wife is still married to you, especially considering that you seem unable or unwilling to do what is necessary to make her feel secure in your marriage and to stop your ex from abusing her.

 

Everything you've said here doesn't seem to take any responsibility for ruining her life. Yeah it sucks that your ex dropped the affair bomb on your anniversary. But YOU cheated on her for months and months and impregnated your ex, which is probably the worst possible thing ANYONE could do to her. This is on you buddy. You should pull your head out of your ass ASAP, stop shifting blame, and start putting your wife and marriage and family first. Your kids don't need mommy and daddy to get along to be happy, loved kids.

[BaileyB]

And now we understand why your ex hates your current wife so much... My, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive...

 

The actual start of your relationship matters relatively little because in your ex wife's mind, there was a betrayal. It's probably not unreasonable to assume that the innapropriate feelings preceded the actual beginning of the relationship. A similar situation happened to my friend and her parents - it destroyed the marriage and broke apart their family.

 

For your wife, there was a devastating betrayal. I'm surprised she stayed with you. The road you have chosen for yourself is not going to be easy...

[Mz. Pixie]

Gosh for once on LS I am completely speechless.