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Married but In Love With Ex Boyfriend

Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 25th January 2018, 5:08 PM   #16
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Thanks for your replies. Since I posted this, I have done a bit of soul searching and decided to research some things as well as talk to a professional counselor.
I could not understand why I would consider such a self-destructive path (as one poster said here) rather than enjoy my current reality.

My therapist had helped me tremendously. One thing I learned is that when we are in early adulthood we still have very malleable brains and people that we have romantic relationships shape who we are as we form biological connections to them in our brain. These connections make us feel attached to certain persons in life and that bond is very hard to break. Considering I met him at 19, I actually was forming this sort of biological connection to him. And because I did not have good relationship role models in my own childhood I looked at him as somewhat of a “father figure” –in essence, he took the place of not only my lover and partner, but also of a parental figure. It’s crazy to think how much biology actually affects how we relate to each other.

That being said, I did cut off all contact and focused on my marriage. While we still have some communication problems, we don’t fight nearly as much and we are both very happy. Our son is really awesome and I look forward to a happy future with my family.
While some of you were harsh and unnecesarily judgmental in your replies, many of you were kind and offered valuable help to me. So if you are one of those people reading this, thank you.
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Old 25th January 2018, 7:30 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by heaven77 View Post
That being said, I did cut off all contact and focused on my marriage. While we still have some communication problems, we donít fight nearly as much and we are both very happy. Our son is really awesome and I look forward to a happy future with my family.
Win, win! Congrats and much happiness going forward...

Mr. Lucky
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." - Epicurus
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Old 27th January 2018, 12:02 PM   #18
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Hi Heaven, firstly, congratulations on your progress and your decision to reconnect with your husband. You mentioned that some of the posters were harsh and judgemental while responding to your OP. The fact is that you yourself asked that you be slapped silly and brought back to reality and I guess that is what folks were trying to do. Sometimes docs administer bitter medicine to patients for them to recover from some dangerous illness. Your malady was also a very dangerous one and could have detailed your life if you did not take corrective action in time. It is good that you did realize that you were on a slippery path and took corrective action to save yourself in time. You did well. Best of luck to you going forward.
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Old 27th January 2018, 2:56 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Why are you having "blow out fights" with your husband a lot?
Oh, that one is easy to figure out. Hubby knows something is not right with his wife, even if he doesn't yet know what it is. Eventually, he will find out, and the decision will be taken out of the wife's hands about what to do. Then, there will be one more blow up fight, where hubs finds out that his wife is actually in love with the dirt bag. Hubs divorces her, and she is free to go back to the sewer, where she will probably immediately start regretting her decision and wishing for the easy life with a good man that she threw away.

In a couple of years time, I wouldn't be surprised if this poster posts again, along the lines of, " I want the life back that I threw away in 2018..."
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Old 28th January 2018, 12:09 AM   #20
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Hi Poutrew, I guess the OP has made a major course correction and is now on the right track. Hopefully she won't be posting that thread as anticipated by you. Warm wishes.
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Old 18th February 2018, 2:49 PM   #21
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Heavenly can I ask you a personal question?

Is your hubby pleasing in bed? Take this question seriously. I see it alot on this board and in real life but women tend to not understand just how important great or at least good sex is in a relationship untill it's to late. I think they think it can just be glossed over or that it will improve with time ( it can but only with hard work and open communication ). I'm also guessing they don't want to blame the guy because it can't be his fualt. It's not his fault.... but it's still important. He doesn't need to be the best but it should be good.

Is there a size difference in the boxers? Is stamina an issue? Women can attach to a man without a great sex but it's hard to move past just a bit more then friends unless a man can unlock that part of a woman. And sadly some people are just not compatable.

Do you need to be dominated? Do you like to dominate? do you want certain things but can't get the nerve up to say it?

Some women have larger then normal vaginas and need bigger. You may be a size queen as they are called.

Whatever your hangup with hubby is don't let it sit on the back burner. If he's not "enough" and you don't see that changing let him go. Every day month and year that you let this fester is another year he COULD have been searching for a sexually compatable mate. And I don't care how happy he is now when you leave all that happy feeling will be a lie in his mind. He will feel like he wasted years of his life.

Don't hold back is what I'm saying. Somtimes you have to get through the ****ty embarrassing nitty gritty hard talks to get to that place where you can share every single cell of your being with a man or woman. Don't avoid the hard talks.... especially for the sake of your partner. There are good and bad ways to say things but in the end they still need to be said.

Have you told your husband about this past toxic relationship and that it might still have its claws in you? You don't have to say you love this om but some clue should be given. Hell I always suggest radical honesty. If he can't take a few hard truths maybe you guys are not meant to be together.

And don't you dare stay with him FOR YOUR SON. That's one of the most insulting things you can do to a man. We men want our women to desire us for us. Not because of what we offer. Your son can have a happy life with split parents as long as those parents work together. But if you let's this build to the point that you cheat and split because of that I can assure you a happy co parent relationship will be the last thing he wants. He won't even want to talk to you.

Last edited by Adotta; 18th February 2018 at 2:54 PM..
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