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Can marriage counseling hurt a marriage?


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hi folks, i started the thread at:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t59303/

(if you have a look, please read everything, don't skip, or you will probably get the wrong idea. also keep in mind that moose's 3/24 post is a reply to another user's reply, not ot my post).

 

last night i suggested marriage counseling to my wife. she didn't like the idea of "paying a stranger to tell us what we're doing wrong and what to do right." she also asked if we could wait until we're married a year and try to work this out by ourselves (we have been married 6 months). i explained that i didn't want to wait because i believe in a strong marriage and want to work on problems, and that a licensed professional would add structure to our discussion, not "tell us what to do."

 

i was already building plenty of negative feelings and am feeling better now that we're going to counseling at some point, but i am starting to worry about the outcome. has anyone ever heard of counseling making things worse? if i am asked to talk about something she wouldn't want brought up, for example, or maybe the therapist makes suggestions and my wife might give "see, she tried to tell us what to do" as a reason not to go, and just be angry about it.

 

these are just examples. i have no idea. if things must continue this way, this isn't the marriage for me, so i need to try _something_. as LucreziaBorgia pointed out, "It needs to be working for both partners."

 

any feedback about counseling pro or con or suggestions are welcome...

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whichwayisup

As long as this is something you both want - The marriage, the love and to be together - Then the outcome will workout. She puts in the same effort as you do that is good. Once one person decides not to put in that effort and just glide, well, that is when the problems can start and head downhill...

 

MC will help. Teach you both to be open, and hear eachother...Really "hear" what is being said. It's SO easy to put a spin on things depending on the frame of mind at the time. Communication is really hard at times, especially when there are problems that need sorting out and one partner isn't ready to talk or admit what they feel.

 

The only negative thing about it could be pandora's box opening....But with a good MC - It will be controlled and moderated in a sense of speed and what pace to work at. Does that make sense?

 

Sounds like you love your wife very much and you are ready to do what it takes to make things work. Don't give up and right now if you need to be the stronger, bigger person - DO IT and don't let any ego or games get in the way.

 

Hang in there and I hope this helps...

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I don't think that there's any reason to worry in your particular case. Your need for marrriage counseling at this time is about the more garden-variety type communications problems. There doesn't seem to be any specific issues that might need specialized training.

 

The important thing is really that you give the relationship the attention that it needs before big problems surface. Many couples undergo counseling on a pre-marital basis in order to learn what they should expect in marriage, and how to solve problems as they develop.

 

I think if you look at this as pre-marital counseling....AFTER the wedding, it'll take some of the anxiety out of it. :)

 

If you're not sure where to start...call the member service number on your health insurance care for an outline of your benefits and a list of preferred providers. ;)

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Since you've only been married for 6 months I think you two should try to work on the problems yourselves first and then if things continue to deteoriate then go for counseling. The main idea being counseling is that you have an objective third party that has no emotional ties to the marriage and can give better advice.

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You might run into a bad counsellor. If you don't get along with the counsellor or think you're getting bad advice, don't hesitate to change.

 

Get as many recommendations as you can for a counsellor and maybe even 'interview' a couple.

 

Marriagebuilders has a good site with information for couples to help them improve their relationship. You could also try Dr. Phil's books or check out the whole relationship section of your bookstore for books that might help.

 

Remember, being married is not an innate skill. You don't expect to just know how to drive a car or be a teacher or perform pretty much any other function in life so there is no shame whatsoever in seeking professional help on how to be a good couple. In fact, I firmly believe that no couple ought to be allowed to marry without having passed a marriage preparation course.

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thanks all for the input so far.

one thing i should mention, as it's been touched on twice. we went for premarital counseling as it was a requirement of our church. we talked on the issue in the other thread... the possibility of intimicy dropping somewhat, and that was when i got the 'it will never drop below this level' assurance. we talked about a lot of things on that three night two day weekend but... how best to say it? some of those assurances about things that would or wouldn't happen once we were married aren't panning out.

 

(please keep in mind that the issue in question is on a separate thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t59303/ so i don't want this to turn into that thread or anything about how marriage changes, etc, because that's best left in the other thread... i want to keep this on the topic of marriage counseling. thanks in advance.)

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boursin_cheese

No disrespect intended toward therapy proponents, but I strongly believe that counseling, either with your partner or on an individual basis certainly can be a destructive influence (despite the best intentions of you, your partner and professional). I'd almost even recommend forgoing individual counseling unless you are having problems with yourself that aren't related to your marriage. Optimally, both of you should decide to improve your marriage together and attend counseling together.

 

It is VERY important for you to find a counselor who understands that your goal is to be together and agrees, up-front, to help you build a stronger, better marriage. You want a coach - someone who will help you to improve yourselves and win the big game. Many therapists will instead, help you to put end your marriage; encouraging you to start over fresh with someone new.

 

Some might say if therapy isn't working for you then you need a different therapist... But it can be difficult to recognize good professionals from lesser ones, or even what's good or bad in a professional specific to you and your relationship. An effective way to deal with this unknown is to find a counselor who conducts group sessions in conjunction with regular counseling sessions for you and spouse. IMHO, this tends to keep things a bit more real for all involved.

 

Marriage counseling/coaching can be a very effective resource. It can really mess you up too. You're asking the right questions though :-)

 

b.c.

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6 months into a marriage and you think you need counseling? How long were you together before you were married? The advice given above is very good, if you do decide to go that route, try and find a counselor that you are both comfortable with, and do not hesitate to change if both of you dont feel this way. Personally, counseling did nothing for my situation, but I have read many stories in hear about how it have helped save thier marriages.

 

I would also suggest a book called the 5 love languages. I just finished reading it, its a very well written book, as well as being a very easy read. Again this book did not help me, as far as my marriage is concerned(lol), it seems to be a little too late for that, Im afraid. But I did learn ALOT from it, it will definately help me in future relationships. Good luck to you!

 

flea

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latesleeper

hey yuv,

i think if the significant other doesn't want to go counselling and wants to try and work things out yourselves, you ought to try that first. counselling is no good if either party doesn't want to do it. it has to be two willing parties for it to work. besides having a good and suitable counsellor for yourselves, of course. some counsellors don't take on clients who are unwilling to go and do work. so, unless your wife is as willing to work with a counsellor as you are, i say perhaps you ought to try working things out yourselves first.

good luck!

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