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Husband hurt my feelings


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My husband and I have been married for almost forty four years. We have two children and three grandchildren.

 

Last night we went to dinner with our kids, grandkids and their in laws. Our grandkids were joking around and asked the grandpas "who is your best friend?" Both in laws said their wives. Then the kids asked my husband and our grandson said "don't take the easy way out and say Grandma." He said "ok then, Chuck." Both the kids started laughing Chuck is our very good, very eccentric friend who jokes around with the kids a lot. They all love him. He is my husband's best friend in the world, and when they get together it's a riot. Then our grandson said "okay, who's your best friend and now you can say Grandma." My husband looked at him and said "still Chuck." And smiled and punched his arm.

 

Both the other wives looked at me with sad faces, I think they could sense my heartbreak. I excused myself and went outside to cry. He came out and told me to stop overreacting and come back in. The whole rest of the night I was so embarrassed.

 

I've been up crying all night. I don't know why it hurts so much, but it is so painful. Has anyone experienced this before?

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Sorry Sad but I'm with your husband on this one. It sounds like he was 100% joking around trying to get laughs..I think you did overreact.

 

However if it hurt your feelings he should still apologize for it and be more sensitive towards the types of jokes he makes in the future.

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Maybe I did a little over this, but I guess when the other husbands said it I wanted to hear him say it too. He is without a doubt my best friend and the love of my life.

 

I think another thing is he hasn't been affectionate lately. He hasn't put his arms around me in weeks... the last time we made love I had to ask him to look at me. He is always acting distracted when it's just us.

 

I love Chuck, he's very funny. He and my husband are two peas in a pod. He gets a little more rambunctious when the kids are at our house. He'll put his shoes on the wrong feet, come in wearing flippers or his shirt backwards, slide on the floor and hit my husband into the wall saying it's house hockey. That's why they love him, and my husband does too.

 

Maybe my husband was trying to channel that. I don't know.

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I don't think it matters if you overreacted or not. It made you emotional and it upset you. Instead of being a snarky jerk about it and telling you that you were overreacting he could have taken the opportunity to apologize and tell you that yes he does in fact appreciate you and you ARE his best friend. He didn't.

 

So what to do at this point? I say that if it upset you that much, there must be other reasons for why you felt like that. It seems to me that it's much more than just one joking comment. You could let it eat you up or you could talk to him and tell him how you feel. Not just about the comment but that maybe you feel like he's pulling away from you more lately and it worries you. Sometimes the best way to deal with something is to communicate it clearly and without emotions getting in the way. Don't blame him and make him feel like it's all his fault, but do let him know how you are feeling and that you want to know how to fix it.

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I hit post too soon.

 

I meant to add - actions speak louder than words. It sounds like you overreacted because he's been neglecting you. I bet if things had been normal in your marriage recently you'd have been much more able to laugh it off.

 

Seriously, you need to talk to him.

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Dear sad, I can understand where your coming from....and it sucks. However, he may have a hard time expressing himself seriously about a subject like that. I think 44 yrs speaks a lot and that you have nothing to worry about.

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I agree with a previous poster, they stated that because your husband has not been affectionate recently, his punchline at the meal really highlighted how you have been feeling and it is the icing on the cake.

 

You state your husband is your best friend and the love of your life, do what best friends do with one another, talk to each other.

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Wookin Pa Nub

This sounds like a situation with my wife. She is hyper-sensitive and depending on the day I need to walk on egg shells. It has really affected my personality over the years as I hold back jokes, comments, opinions in my daily life as not to offend anyone who is sensitive.

 

 

OP - I don't think he was trying to hurt you. It was just a group setting and he was trying to be funny. Cut him some slack.

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Heck if I called my wife my best friend... that would be a downgrade. I have a bunch of friendly acquaintances, fewer friends and a handful a best buds that I'd be at their or their families wedding for or jump to if they needed it etc and consider them my best friends. I only have one wife. And if we get to 44 years of marriage there is no way she'd be in the same league as any of them in terms of importance in my life. They aren't even at her level.

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Sounds like he was joking around, but you're hurt because you feel an overall loss of connection. The lack of affection, the disconnected sex. If he joked around like that then gave you a wink or a smile and put his arm around you, I'm sure you'd take it as a joke and not be upset. But it sounds like you feel neglected in general.

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We talked about it and he said he didn't even realize he hadn't been giving me my hugs... he's had some pretty major things going on at work and just been on autopilot lately.

 

I'm really sad that he did that in front of the kids though... right when every other man was saying it was their wife... he said not to worry about it, but I just felt like he thinks that it's a game. I guess it's just something I have to live with.

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We talked about it and he said he didn't even realize he hadn't been giving me my hugs... he's had some pretty major things going on at work and just been on autopilot lately.

 

I'm really sad that he did that in front of the kids though... right when every other man was saying it was their wife... he said not to worry about it, but I just felt like he thinks that it's a game. I guess it's just something I have to live with.

 

Wifey: It's impossible you made it to 44 years of marriage with being so touchy. You have to be above all this BS about your husband doing the same as the other husbands around the table.

 

Don't hold a grudge because of this. He didn't see the big deal in it and I don't see the big deal in it. Let it go. Now he knows for next time.

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This thread has very little do with with what he said and everything to do with how you've been feeling about your relationship. Correct me if I am wrong but if he had said something like this back when you felt a lot more desired in the relationship you probably would have had a rejoinder that "Chuck" was your best friend too and delivered it with a sassy wink. Right?

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This thread has very little do with with what he said and everything to do with how you've been feeling about your relationship. Correct me if I am wrong but if he had said something like this back when you felt a lot more desired in the relationship you probably would have had a rejoinder that "Chuck" was your best friend too and delivered it with a sassy wink. Right?

 

I agree. A person can put up with the meanest "put downs" if they feel safe, stable, secure and happy as they know it is just a joke.

What he said here was not seen as a joke as the OP is not feeling safe, stable, secure and happy.

I do not think she has really got to the bottom of why he has removed his affection from her and is distracted.

There may be more to this story.

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This thread has very little do with with what he said and everything to do with how you've been feeling about your relationship. Correct me if I am wrong but if he had said something like this back when you felt a lot more desired in the relationship you probably would have had a rejoinder that "Chuck" was your best friend too and delivered it with a sassy wink. Right?

 

Oh absolutely I love Chuck too. He was over the other night and just cracking us up. I just was sad that it happened in front of the kids and the other grandparents who were expecting him to say me... I was expecting him to say me...

 

He did send me flowers, and cuddle me so I feel a little better, but he hasn't really apologized. I wish he would.

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