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Am I being too sensitive, or seeing what I want to see?


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TrustedthenBusted

Woman at work. Young. Smart. Cute. I don't see her often, as she works from home almost 100% of the time. She and I have become professionally friendly.

 

If you've read the Infidelity forum, you know I've been on the **** end of the stick before, but have never had a revenge affair.

 

Anyway, this is what's happening - you tell me.

 

1. Whenever I see her, she gives me a hug. She doesn't do this to anyone else in our office, except a couple of female ees.

 

2. When I'm talking with her, she stares at my mouth.

 

3. Whenever I say something funny, she grabs my forearm like she is trying to keep me from flying out the window.

 

4. Every friggen email ends in a smiley face.

 

5. She asks me to lunch, and usually throws in a " and feel free to see if anyone else in the office wants to come."

 

Ladies, am I seeing something that isn't there?

 

The truth is, if it's nothing, cool. If it's something....well...what can I say? I'm flattered as hell becuse she's young and attractive.

 

She's married with three young ones, and what seems like a nice guy husband. I myself, do no fit the "nice guy" profile.

 

Nothing will ever happen. I'm just curious, based on the symptoms I just described what you ladies think.

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She is definitely giving off signals.

 

I had a girl at work do the exact same thing a few years ago: I thought - there is no way she is interested in me - not that I'm not in shape and good looking, but she was late 20's and HOT and I was almost 10 years older. Well, she eventually made it clear, she was interested.

 

So - you are walking a dangerous line and if you don't want to cross the line, you'd better back off.

 

You may feel entitled to get back at your ex, but don't cross that line. Be honorable and just leave her if you have intentions to cheat.

 

BTW - don't ruin this girl's marriage.

 

Does she ever talk about her hubby in a negative fashion?? Does she talk about her kids when y'all are at lunch?

 

There is always the chance that she is just touchy and seems flirty and that she doesn't have feelings at all - but she is giving off text book signals.

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She is definitely giving off signals.

 

I had a girl at work do the exact same thing a few years ago: I thought - there is no way she is interested in me - not that I'm not in shape and good looking, but she was late 20's and HOT and I was almost 10 years older. Well, she eventually made it clear, she was interested.

 

So - you are walking a dangerous line and if you don't want to cross the line, you'd better back off.

 

You may feel entitled to get back at your wife, but don't cross that line. Be honorable and just leave her if you have intentions to cheat.

 

BTW - don't ruin this girl's marriage.

 

Does she ever talk about her hubby in a negative fashion?? Does she talk about her kids when y'all are at lunch?

 

There is always the chance that she is just touchy and seems flirty and that she doesn't have feelings at all - but she is giving off text book signals.

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Why are you asking? She is married and you say nothing will happen. You've already been betrayed.

 

Again, it feels like you want something to happen or you wouldn't be so interested and asking...

 

You say that you are flattered. It feels good. You want your ego stroked. Whatever.

 

It doesn't matter - she is married. Leave her alone and go find someone who is available to date.

Edited by BaileyB
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TrustedthenBusted
Why are you asking? She is married and you say nothing will happen. You've already been betrayed.

 

Again, it feels like you want something to happen or you wouldn't be so interested and asking...

 

You say that you are flattered. It feels good. You want your ego stroked. Whatever.

 

It doesn't matter - she is married. Leave her alone and go find someone who is available to date.

 

I'm asking because I'm wondering if I am seeing "what I want to see" because I need validation on some level.

 

I'm still with my wife with no plans to divorce, and I don't think I would ever do to some innocent husband what was done to me. Nobody deserves that.

 

Well...almost nobody.

 

i've been hit on before, and have had opportunities to cheat, but they were very obvious signs. Major Green light signs in most cases.

 

This is different, and part of me is curious as to whether this is how these things get started. It's almost interesting to witness, knowing my wife went down this same path, that's all.

 

I don't encourage it, or do any outreach, or anything inappropriate. And again, maybe it's all in my head to begin with. That is the question.

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I read a study they did on men & women flirting. Most of the time when the woman that was giving a 100% open signal the guy wouldn't catch on but when they had a different woman just being friendly the man took that as woman wanted him. I've also seen this a million times with the men in my family. Honestly I don't know any women that just stare at a man's mouth. The hugging could be bc she likes you as a person. I'm European descent & I kiss people I like on the cheek as a greating (everyone I know does). I'm also very touchy when I'm conversing, that's just my personality partly bc how I was raised.

 

Don't look into it too much unless she really crosses a line.

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ShatteredLady

She might be a little hearing impaired & that's why she stares at your mouth. My friend was a translator so lip reading sprang to mind. Not saying she's deaf obviously. Just being a little impaired can make hearing tricky in crowded situations.

 

Look, I don't know, none of us do. We're just guessing & it's all pretty pointless. Don't go there! Even thinking about the remote possibility of anything ever happening will effect your reconciliation & type of marriage you have.

 

I'm a BS. There are times that I WANT him to hurt! REALLY hurt! I want him to have some idea of how much utter devastation, physical, emotional & mental agony I went/go through. It's a fantasy!!

I'm reconciling because I love him. Why would I do something to the man I love that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy?

Why would I put an innocent person & 3 little children through that?

 

Oh, adultery is awful. We know that. Why do anything just to discover how awful it is from a different angle? Everyone hurts. No-one hurts as bad as the loving, blindsided BS but everyone does hurt a lot. Just leave it well alone.

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She seems to think you are attractive.

 

Honestly, it seems like you are interested in having a revenge affair.

 

I don't know why you won't admit that since nobody here would judge you for having that urge.

If you weren't interested in cheating, you wouldn't be thinking about this woman at work and her behavior towards you.

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TrustedthenBusted
She seems to think you are attractive.

 

Honestly, it seems like you are interested in having a revenge affair.

 

I don't know why you won't admit that since nobody here would judge you for having that urge.

If you weren't interested in cheating, you wouldn't be thinking about this woman at work and her behavior towards you.

 

First, I finally understand your handle. My wife has started watching that Mad Men show, and I heard the name and instantly thought of you. She would always hit pause, and offer me the remote when I walked in the room, and I quickly figured out why. Told her not to bother doing that...and just watch the show if she likes it.

 

 

Second, I'm not interested in a revenge affair. There was a time I was, but that is coming up on like 8 years ago. The urge at the time was very strong, and I did come here and post all about it.

 

Would I love a roll in the hay with this woman? Sure. I admit that. There are literally legions of women I'd enjoy a nice romp with. No big deal there. It's taking action on it, or thinking and fantasizing about it that is the problem, and I don't really do either.

 

I guess it was just this last time that I saw her and we ended up in a car together alone for the first and only time. There were a couple times where I thought... " Did I just get vibed? " " Was that a hint?" Subtlety is apparently lost on me. Or is it?

 

If I thought this woman was inherently flirty I'd write it off. But I don't think she is. Anyway, just thought it was an interesting turn of events that had me wondering if perhaps I was inadvertently putting the wrong vibe out there myself.

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TrustedthenBusted
She is definitely giving off signals.

 

 

 

Does she ever talk about her hubby in a negative fashion?? Does she talk about her kids when y'all are at lunch?

 

Nah, she doesn't speak negatively about him at all. Doesn't say much either way, although I am interested in his job so I bring up how I'd like to meet him.

 

I think Betty is probably right. I think this gal just sort of likes me, which is good. I'm totally ok with that, and understand that if it's any more than that, then oh well. Maybe in the next life.

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Yes. This is how most affairs begin. The ambiguity is what draws people in. Our brains do not like ambiguity but sure do like flattery. What keeps you hooked is the ambiguity.

 

Why do you think a show cuts to a commercial right before the "ah-ha" moment? Because you will most likely not get up or change the channel because you feel as though you NEED to see what happens, and you are more likely to watch every commercial to ensure you do not miss the reveal.

 

...Unless you have a DVR box that is. Lol.

 

But yes, this is how affairs begin.

 

No one walks up and says, "Hi, I am so-and-so. Can I jump your bones?" Or, "Would you care to engage in an extra-marital relationship with me?"

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Whenever I see her, she gives me a hug.

 

YMMV, but I'd never let this happen. At least to me, inappropriate on a personal and professional level...

 

Mr. Lucky

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First, I finally understand your handle. My wife has started watching that Mad Men show, and I heard the name and instantly thought of you. She would always hit pause, and offer me the remote when I walked in the room, and I quickly figured out why. Told her not to bother doing that...and just watch the show if she likes it.

 

 

Second, I'm not interested in a revenge affair. There was a time I was, but that is coming up on like 8 years ago. The urge at the time was very strong, and I did come here and post all about it.

 

Would I love a roll in the hay with this woman? Sure. I admit that. There are literally legions of women I'd enjoy a nice romp with. No big deal there. It's taking action on it, or thinking and fantasizing about it that is the problem, and I don't really do either.

 

I guess it was just this last time that I saw her and we ended up in a car together alone for the first and only time. There were a couple times where I thought... " Did I just get vibed? " " Was that a hint?" Subtlety is apparently lost on me. Or is it?

 

If I thought this woman was inherently flirty I'd write it off. But I don't think she is. Anyway, just thought it was an interesting turn of events that had me wondering if perhaps I was inadvertently putting the wrong vibe out there myself.

 

My brother was teasing me about becoming one of those spoiled and depressed housewives when I told him that we were moving. Betty Draper embodies those characteristics so I chose this handle as a joke. :laugh:

 

Glad that you're not interested in a revenge affair. Revenge affairs are completely understandable but they solve nothing.

 

I just got that impression because if you weren't interested in this woman, I don't think that you would care if she was flirting with you or not. You know yourself best though.

 

I don't see what's wrong with fantasizing as long as the fantasies do not take over your life. I have had fantasies about actors but that doesn't meant that those thoughts are a threat to my marriage.

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I don't see what's wrong with fantasizing as long as the fantasies do not take over your life. I have had fantasies about actors but that doesn't meant that those thoughts are a threat to my marriage.

 

With all due respect to the ability of having seemingly benign fantasies or crushes, I would add a caveat: avoid situations where there is or could exist reciprocal fantasies or crushes. Unless you personally knew any of those actors, you were safe because nothing could ever come of it.

 

In TtB's situation, any person(s) (no matter how much he/she trusts his/herself) who entertains a fantasy that is or has the possibility of being reciprocated would find him/herself on a slippery slope. If the camel gets his nose in the tent, the body will soon follow.

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ShatteredLady

....before you realize it's happening you start thinking things like, "My wife never hugs me when I get home anymore. In fact she's never been that affectionate. She doesn't stare at my face when I'm talking. Half the time she's not even properly listening!!".

 

....then one day you're at lunch with your 'friend' & she says something negative about her H & you're "Snap! My wife is just the same....".

 

....A conversation like that warrants drinks after work because you have this 'connection' that really helps. You've been through so much pain with your wife & suddenly you've met this person who truly 'gets-it'.

 

....maybe it's meant to be?!?

 

 

STOP wondering what women are thinking about you & wonder why you want to know!

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With all due respect to the ability of having seemingly benign fantasies or crushes, I would add a caveat: avoid situations where there is or could exist reciprocal fantasies or crushes. Unless you personally knew any of those actors, you were safe because nothing could ever come of it.

 

In TtB's situation, any person(s) (no matter how much he/she trusts his/herself) who entertains a fantasy that is or has the possibility of being reciprocated would find him/herself on a slippery slope. If the camel gets his nose in the tent, the body will soon follow.

 

I agree. These actors don't know I exist. :laugh:

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She seems to think you are attractive.

 

Honestly, it seems like you are interested in having a revenge affair.

 

I don't know why you won't admit that since nobody here would judge you for having that urge.

If you weren't interested in cheating, you wouldn't be thinking about this woman at work and her behavior towards you.

 

This MW is definitely on OP's radar...reinforces my hypothesis that BH's never truly "reconcile" - it's just the way we are wired. While a BW may just accept a WH thinking "bah, it's just men!" or "at least he comes home to me" and move on (I bet 80-90% of BWs stay) , a BH who has "reconciled" is like a person who walks around with a perpetually ill-fitting shoe, sometimes for his entire life. Sure, the shoe doesn't fall off and he can still walk, but the shoe bite hurts from time to time and the fit ain't right anymore.

 

I'm a BH who did not reconcile, and if faced with this exact situation, I would not ponder or speculate for a single moment. As a newly single dude, I keep my radar free to detect lovely eligible single women of which there are plenty around. MW's are off my radar, whether they tap, nudge, wink, or stare at my mouth or any other part of my anatomy. ;-)

Edited by redbaron007
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jeez yes, a lot of men really have trouble figuring out if they are being flirted with. It just goes over their heads, and 4 hours later, they say "hey, did she really say THAT to me???"

 

i think it shows that you are a fundamentally honest and good person to not pick up on that stuff.

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After years, decades of being faithful, your view changes with your spouse being unfaithful. It lowers your boundaries in the sense that you don't see the small things as being as bad. The idea of someone else is easier to envision.

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Woman at work. Young. Smart. Cute. I don't see her often, as she works from home almost 100% of the time. She and I have become professionally friendly.

 

If you've read the Infidelity forum, you know I've been on the **** end of the stick before, but have never had a revenge affair.

 

Anyway, this is what's happening - you tell me.

 

1. Whenever I see her, she gives me a hug. She doesn't do this to anyone else in our office, except a couple of female ees.

 

2. When I'm talking with her, she stares at my mouth.

 

3. Whenever I say something funny, she grabs my forearm like she is trying to keep me from flying out the window.

 

4. Every friggen email ends in a smiley face.

 

5. She asks me to lunch, and usually throws in a " and feel free to see if anyone else in the office wants to come."

 

Ladies, am I seeing something that isn't there?

 

The truth is, if it's nothing, cool. If it's something....well...what can I say? I'm flattered as hell becuse she's young and attractive.

 

She's married with three young ones, and what seems like a nice guy husband. I myself, do no fit the "nice guy" profile.

 

Nothing will ever happen. I'm just curious, based on the symptoms I just described what you ladies think.

 

I'm late but I think that she may be picking up a subtle vibe from you and is testing the waters.

 

She may be enjoying your response and the feeling of validation as well. She's married too.

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With all due respect to the ability of having seemingly benign fantasies or crushes, I would add a caveat: avoid situations where there is or could exist reciprocal fantasies or crushes. Unless you personally knew any of those actors, you were safe because nothing could ever come of it.

 

In TtB's situation, any person(s) (no matter how much he/she trusts his/herself) who entertains a fantasy that is or has the possibility of being reciprocated would find him/herself on a slippery slope. If the camel gets his nose in the tent, the body will soon follow.

 

Yes very very true.

 

It is a slippery slope (that feels soooo good).

 

The only way to stop it is to never start it.

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  • 3 weeks later...
ConfusedAtLife
....before you realize it's happening you start thinking things like, "My wife never hugs me when I get home anymore. In fact she's never been that affectionate. She doesn't stare at my face when I'm talking. Half the time she's not even properly listening!!".

 

....then one day you're at lunch with your 'friend' & she says something negative about her H & you're "Snap! My wife is just the same....".

 

....A conversation like that warrants drinks after work because you have this 'connection' that really helps. You've been through so much pain with your wife & suddenly you've met this person who truly 'gets-it'.

 

....maybe it's meant to be?!?

 

 

STOP wondering what women are thinking about you & wonder why you want to know!

 

Whats wrong with wondering how women think of you? Its a confidence builder for me, not out looking for an AP. Im a BS and i dont feel i should be in a bubble with my thoughts only on how my wife views me...

 

Im new here but read a ton of good advice by frequent members... wish i posted awhile ago.

 

Would love to PM (but cant, to new to LS) with Trusted; seems he thinks like i do in alot of situations..

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Yes she is hitting on you.

 

TB you know better than to think some of these thoughts.

 

If you don't want to be with your wife and she won't agree to an open relationship, then divorce.

 

You know where I have been and what I have done. The shame that i feel for hurting these other women is real. I am ashamed of myself. Once you get over the fun aspect of the sex, you feel like S***.

 

Even if they understand and you are honest, women in this situation will start to have feelings. Most will start to have feelings.

 

Do not go there. If you and the wife cannot work that one issue out then it is time to divorce. The you can freely have all the women that you want.

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ConfusedAtLife.

 

Welcome!! You need a certain number of posts before you can private message. Sorry, I can't remember how many. If you read around & post your opinions & advice it won't take long at all.

 

I was just describing the slippery slope. The OP said that he was interested in what the WS goes through.

 

I'm a bs too. On one hand I agree with what you posted. Everyone likes to know that they're still attractive, they've still 'got-it!'....particularly those who have been betrayed...WoW it was a huge hit to my selfesteem when my H cheated. It's brutal!

 

We all think that we know ourselves but I read again & again & again, "I'm not the kind of person to have an affair! I wasn't looking for an affair, it just happened!".

 

I'm not the sort of person to have an affair!! :o

 

I confess that there are times that I want my H to HURT!! I want him to know how shattering it is to be betrayed, blindsided by the one person you believe would NEVER intentionally hurt you. I have no intention of having a revenge affair but it could be a nice fantasy....that's the danger!

 

No harm in noticing that you're being noticed. Thoughts can lead to other thoughts & the danger zone is ever present. I don't think about it too much AND I NEVER do anything to test my theories about interest from the opposite sex. It's knowing where to draw the line. It's all about boundaries or lack of...

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ConfusedAtLife

Totally agree Shattered...

 

I guess i dont worry about the slippery slope enough. I probably should, based on my situation (ie, dead bedroom), but im so preoccupied with other life stress i dont see myself with an opportunity (im sure many have said that too lol).

 

And the revenge affair is so unappealing to me. It seems desperate and pointless to me. If i was going to cross the boundary on being a WH, id look for the excitement my WS got. But those are boundaries i dont want to cross.

 

Guess thats why im ConfusedAtLife...

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