Re-energizing intimacy with WW

[cc_zero]

Hi all,

 

My story was posted in the Infidelity forum. Not going to re-hash it all, other than found out about the A in April. I know many say thing, but was not a common situation as the AP was AW.

 

To my question.. Outside of a few outbursts from me (normal I think), we've been doing quite well and she has stuck to all promises. And when I say intimacy I don't just mean sex, I mean getting back to a deeper emotional intimacy with her.

 

I've discovered my wife's top love language is words of affirmation. Not meeting this need I think was a large driver of the affair in the first place. We've made a ton of progress in a short time, but I'm finding it difficult to really hit on that EN of hers post affair. Although it isn't, I feel like it could come across as disingenuous. It's particularly hard to tell your wife she's awesome, wonderful, everything I need, etc., when she had an affair.

 

Anyone else been in this particular situation? Should I just say screw how it sounds and just do it anyways? Any other ideas of how to deal with such a situation?

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

Anyone else been in this particular situation? Should I just say screw how it sounds and just do it anyways? Any other ideas of how to deal with such a situation?

 

 

Yep. Although my wife's affair wasn't with a woman, it WAS with a man with whom there was no real sexual chemistry. So that wasn't the need she needed met.

 

Post-affair, I found it really hard to compliment her in any way. Could never find an anniversary or valentine's day card that didn't reek of hipocrisy. Knew she needed words of affirmation, but found them almost impossible to give.

 

Now, many years later, I can't say that a whole lot has changed. I'm better about it, but far from perfect, and probably short of what she'd like.

 

I liken it to drinking from a well. You drink happily from the well for years, and then you find out that for a period of time that you now can't do anything about, your partner ( and some stranger) was using the well as a toilet.

 

Now, she promises never to do that again, does the work of filtering the crap from the well, and assures you that you can safely drink from this well again, and for the rest of your life.

 

Umm....ok. Maybe the water IS safe to drink now, and maybe she WILL never again use your well like a toilet.

 

But still.... the well has been forever tainted.

[cc_zero]

TTB,

 

Yea, same problem. It being her #1 EN makes it a difficult one to deal with. I'm trying at the moment to just do it anyways, I'm careful with the words I choose and how I compliment her. It is difficult though.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've discovered my wife's top love language is words of affirmation. Not meeting this need I think was a large driver of the affair in the first place.

 

Never successfully reconciled after my exW's affair so no hands on experience.

 

But I can't help but be struck by the challenge of "affirming" someone in the immediate aftermath of discovering their affair.

 

How do you do it sincerely?

 

And if they're remorseful, how do they feel they deserve it?

 

Tough one ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Popsicle]

If she is dead set on not getting divorced, you probably don't even have to do this. Just threaten her with divorce if she ever cheats again and she won't do it again and you'll be fine.

[Bufo]

This is sort of a loop back to your original thread but I believe it is pertinent to your inquiry here.

 

It is difficult to determine whether a woman's chats with gfs are simply normal chat or an EA. When they are good friends no topic seems off limits and the friend does provide emotional support. You know, the words of affirmation.

 

For you, words of affirmation from another woman must be triggers. Isn't that how she got involved with OW in the first place?

 

If you are correct that WW needs words of affirmation, you should be starting to provide them to her. Not praising her to the skies, but telling her simple things such as; you're right. I'm glad you thought of that. Without your help I'd have made a mess of that. And simple praise like: that looks good on you. Sometimes I don't know how you put up with me. I really like that--can you make it again sometime?

 

None of these "costs" you a thing. Yet they let her know you are aware of what she's doing and that you appreciate what she does. Maybe not enough but a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.