Thinking of leaving my wife... !

[markindoubt]

Hi, this is the first time to post here as I am really in need of advice. I have been married for a year, and to be honest it has been a very frustrating period of time for me. We basically get on well and laugh a lot, but when it comes to living together we seem to have very different attitudes.

 

We lived together for a year before getting married and we were so different which caused me to have serious doubts about going through with the wedding, so much so that I met with a counselor who advised me to postpone. After discussing this with my partner she told me that a postponement would be the equivalent of ending the relationship. For whatever reason, perhaps pressure, I caved and decided to continue as planned. I hoped we could work on our differences and work well as a team.

 

While there has been some improvement the fundamental problems remain:

 

1. Cleaning.

 

My wife works longer hours than me so I've always accepted that I would do more of the cleaning workload than her. But in the beginning it was difficult to get her to clean at all. I tried everything, from scheduling to team cleaning at the same time, all to no avail. She'd leave dishes in the sink, leave her things in the living room and shared spaces etc. I'm not particularly a neat freak, I just like things somewhat ordered and clean.

 

I became so frustrated that I asked her to go to counselling and teared up when even the counselor was shocked by her attitude. She gave both of us some good tips and there has been some improvements. Shared areas are mostly free from her clutter. She cleans the bathroom and toilet now and I do most other things.

 

I've tried to accept that she won't change much. This is the way she is but it IS very frustrating at times. A typical day consists of her coming home from work around 8pm, eating dinner that I've cooked, watching TV and falling asleep on the sofa with her dirty dishes left in the living room and kitchen until she wakes up around midnight. I did all of her laundry the other day. She brought it in but it's now hanging in our hallway and has been there for 2 days. This is not unusual.

 

2. Cooking

 

As I'm doing most of the cooking I asked if she could at least cook once a week on one of her days off. However, on holidays she goes out to coffee shops etc and doesn't get home until late. This means on the odd day she does cook dinner it's ready by around 10pm, which is just too late for me. She refuses to compromise. She feels pressure if I ask her to cook earlier as she wants to enjoy her time off. I get it, she's stressed from work and needs time to relax, but I feel she's not thinking about me at all. I don't think it's asking too much if she could have dinner ready by say 7:30 once a week? I exercise a lot and don't want to be eating so late as I put on weight easily.

 

3. Sex

 

From the moment we started living together something dramatically changed. We pretty much stopped having sex. She would refuse my advances and kept telling me the timing was wrong. She would 'say' she was horny at different times, usually at 3am on weeknight! I asked her to compromise, suggesting midnight but she wouldn't. After constant rejection I pretty much gave up and we were lucky to have sex once every two-three months. Then she was diagnosed with HPV and things became more complicated. She had some abnormal cells removed in an operation on her cervix a few months ago so obviously we can't do anything for a while now. I totally understand and accept that we can't have sex for a while due to the operation, but that aside it has been incredibly frustrating from the beginning. We've had sex 2-3 times this year and she isn't interested in non intercourse alternatives.

 

So right now I have become so frustrated that I am considering moving out as I'm totally stressed out living together. I've told her I am unhappy with the way things are going and that I feel like separating. She has promised to try to change but it's only words and I've heard it before.

 

I've tried to compromise on most things, but she is quite stubborn. I'm sure I am also to blame, as it there are always two sides to every story. The thing is we get along well, laugh and she's a funny. However, now we are sleeping in separate beds and I feel that she's more like an annoying roommate than a lover or wife and we've only been married for a year!

 

Does anyone have any advice for me? Is this my fault? Any comments would be much appreciated.

[S2B]

She sounds very selfish and self centered.

 

If this relationship isn't making you happy you should end it before you have kids with her.

 

That way you can find a gal more compatible. Love shouldn't look that selfish...since she's not willing to work on it and make compromises she just expects you to live an unhappy/unfulfilled life. That's unacceptable.

[Mr. Lucky]

Does anyone have any advice for me? Is this my fault?

Yes - when alarms, buzzers, horns and red flags all signal danger, don't ignore them, they're there for a reason.

 

Courtship exists so you can test compatibility. If none exists, why on earth get married ??? Makes no sense.

 

You got in for all the wrong reasons. Get out for the right ones...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dichotomy]

If you can afford it - maids and pre made(take out) food as often as you can. She can pay half of the costs.

[road]

Time to divorce you having conflicting values and she will not yield at all.

 

 

Also she went off sex with you then got an STD. This is the biggest of all the red flags that you have raised. Her being out alone, late, on her days off, avoiding you indicates she is cheating.

[Ontos]

G E T O U T N O W

 

I'm not going to beat you up for not backing out when you had doubts before the wedding (b/c I had doubts before the wedding and I didn't - mind you the "red flags" weren't as severe --- but I'm 21 years into this and always wonder - "what if I'd called it off", I know I'd be happier).

 

She has very alarming habits. You need to run

[salparadise]

However, on holidays she goes out to coffee shops etc and doesn't get home until late. This means on the odd day she does cook dinner it's ready by around 10pm, which is just too late for me. She refuses to compromise.

 

So right now I have become so frustrated that I am considering moving out as I'm totally stressed out living together.

 

However, now we are sleeping in separate beds and I feel that she's more like an annoying roommate than a lover or wife and we've only been married for a year!

 

Does anyone have any advice for me? Is this my fault? Any comments would be much appreciated.

 

Oh man, this is awful. I wish this was a problem with a practical solution. She's simply not on the same page with you in any respect and she doesn't seem to care.

 

It's not your fault, so quit thinking that way. You're talking about fundamental stuff. She's simply not participating, and she thinks it doesn't matter because she's got you locked down.

 

The no sex issue alone is enough to justify ending it. The rest of it underscores the hopelessness of the situation. I was blown away when you said that she goes out to coffee shops on days off and comes home late, occasionally cooks dinner but not until 10pm. What is that about?

 

It seems like she has an oppositional-defiant mentality. That's considered to be a children's disorder but nevertheless there seems to be an unusual degree of passive, uncooperative resistance in the fundamental areas that people are expected to know and conform to as adults. She acts like a child.

 

She is not going to change much regardless of what she says. This is just who she is. I'd suggest that you think about the big picture here and not get too distracted by details. It's not working, not even a little bit. Could you be happy in this marriage by making a small compromise in expectations? No? Well, that's your answer I think.

[Tomara]

Values are what keeps a marriage strong. You guys appear to have different values. The bait and switch on the intimacy is not a good sign either. You have a year invested in a marriage that should never have happened, don't waste anymore of your time in fixing something this broke. Please don't have children with this lady, you will pay with the rest of your life.

[Satu]

I think it reasonable to describe this as a failed marriage.

 

It just doesn't work.

 

I would end it.

 

In the long term, you'll both be happier apart.

 

 

Take care.

[Soxfaninfl]

If you can afford it - maids and pre made(take out) food as often as you can. She can pay half of the costs.

 

I agree with dichotomy. You should at least give this a try. Also, the both of you should be in counseling at least once a week until things are in a good place. Marriage isn't easy, and the both of you should be in counseling regularly.

[understand50]

Oh, My,

 

One year married, and only sex 1 or 2 time the whole time. My wife, were in the how many different places can we have sex without being caught mode at that time. Did not slow down until our first child came, and then to 4 to 5 times a week.

 

I think a long talk, with actions to back it up. Put out some goals, and deadlines, and see if see cam make it. Do not fall into the trap of demanding full change all at once, she has a life time to undo bad habits. When she is ready, schedule sex, see if that works. Point is, you need to see improvement. The maid and meal idea may work, but dear god, what if you two have a child?

 

I do think, that both of you will probably not make it. She seems incompatible with you, and sees more as servant then husband. Unless that changes, you should divorce. I would make a goal of when you make your dissension, and stick to it. Give her 6 months to change or show, substance , and marked change, and if she cannot or will not, file.

 

I wish you luck.

[SaveYourHeart]

I can understand your frustration, and it's not fair to you that she's acting that way. However, I see some similarities in your story and mine. My husband cooks and cleans much more frequently than I do. I've offered to help with the cleaning, but whenever I do he tells me I'm doing it wrong, or it's not good enough. When I make the effort to cook, he critiques me constantly and never says thank you. We don't have sex because I've gained weight and he points it out every time. I have tried and tried and get bullied for it constantly. So I don't do it because I would rather suffer his complaints on what I don't do rather than suffer his critique that I'm never good enough.

 

I don't like to play devil's advocate, especially since you seem like such a nice guy, but try to see if there's anything causing her to act this way. If not, then it's time to leave because she's never going to change. I'm sorry that you're unhappy in your marriage, especially with it only being a year into it. My gut advice is that you deserve to be happy and she deserves to be happy. You don't seem happy together. Be a little selfish and do what's right for you. Best of luck!

[standtall]

This one sounds DOA. Give her an ultimatum, if she doesn't change whole heatedly, then have her served with papers as a wake up. Give her more time, then file them formally.

 

Talk less.

[Soxfaninfl]

I can understand your frustration, and it's not fair to you that she's acting that way. However, I see some similarities in your story and mine. My husband cooks and cleans much more frequently than I do. I've offered to help with the cleaning, but whenever I do he tells me I'm doing it wrong, or it's not good enough. When I make the effort to cook, he critiques me constantly and never says thank you. We don't have sex because I've gained weight and he points it out every time. I have tried and tried and get bullied for it constantly. So I don't do it because I would rather suffer his complaints on what I don't do rather than suffer his critique that I'm never good enough.

 

 

SaveYourHeart, I'm very sorry that your husband is that way. Nobody should have to deal with that kind of treatment. Why do you stay?

[sandylee1]

It's simply so very rude to not clear away your dinner plate. What a lazy woman you've married. There's really no excuse for her behaviour and unless she sees that you mean business you won't see a change.

 

So I'd start looking at getting a room to rent as a start and if during that time she doesn't pull out all the stops to show you she's changed, then you can make more permanent steps to end things.

 

Even if she gets the cleaning sorted out, your sex life is still a problem, you have quite a bit on your hands here.

[Mr. Lucky]

However, on holidays she goes out to coffee shops etc and doesn't get home until late.

 

This overshadows everything else you've posted.

 

You don't spend holidays together? Who does she spend them with ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

if the relationship isn't worth it now, it won't be worth it later.

 

 

We can't tell you to divorce or not, that truly is your decision. But I can ask... what are the benefits of staying married right now?

[TrustedthenBusted]

OH man... I feel for you. My wife is a slob as well, and justifies it by talking about how hard she works, or how much she enjoys her downtime. She also has slacked off in the bedroom, although not to such an extreme extent.

 

If I wasn't 20 years in, with two children, I think I would tell her that life is too short to be cleaning up after another adult, and I'd move on.

 

As it is, I've been very clear with her on what I need from a life partner in the kitchen, in the bedroom, in the bank, and out in public, and I try to do my part in all areas as well.

 

The thing is, if you force her, she will do it. But what you really want is for her to WANT to do this stuff on her own.

 

Be forceful. Make her do it. When she leaves a mess, tell her to pick it up right away. When she hangs her clothes on the door, tell her right away thats not where dirty clothes go. When you come home and the bed isn't made, grab one side, tell her to grab the other, and make the bed. And if she doesn't like it, tell her she can leave. It only gets worse with kids. It's annoying to be the "Dad" but I think it's what you need to do. Put your foot down.

 

After setting this standard with my wife for about a year, she came around. She know makes the bed everyday on her own, because she realizes how easy it is, and how much nicer it is to come home to each day. She cleans her messes up immediately ( for the most part ) partly because she doesn't want to hear from me about it, but partly because she appreciates how clean the place always is now. And when I want some lovin, I tell her earlier in the day that I'm feelin it, and plan to molest her when I get home. lol. In a playful way of course. If she shuts me down too many days in a row, I remind her that if she wants a monogamous marriage, that means hooking a brother up once in awhile even if she isn't in the mood.

 

Some people need to be "parented" until the realize on their own that they like a little more structure. Worked for me. But then, my wife knew I'd walk out. Does yours?

[TrustedthenBusted]

This overshadows everything else you've posted.

 

You don't spend holidays together? Who does she spend them with ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I read that as "days off" for some reason. UK poster perhaps?

[WilyWill]

I'm torn. I think your wife might be depressed, so I kind of feel bad for her. It seems like she doesn't think laundry or cleaning is worth the effort, because she has a negative outlook on everything.

 

The other part of me has little sympathy for her denial of affection towards you. I, too, feel like I was "baited and switched", so I get pissed off when I hear another story like mine. She knows the affection is important to you, yet she won't even make an effort.

 

I would have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Try to find out if she's depressed and if there's anything you can do to help. If she brushes you off, you need to explain to her that you're at the end of your rope and that she's no longer a wife to you. You should not hesitate to talk about divorce/annulment.

[Mr. Lucky]

I read that as "days off" for some reason. UK poster perhaps?

 

You could be right but that only muddies the water further.

 

Who does she spend her days off with?

 

Mr. Lucky

[jazzyhands89]

I can understand your frustration, and it's not fair to you that she's acting that way. However, I see some similarities in your story and mine. My husband cooks and cleans much more frequently than I do. I've offered to help with the cleaning, but whenever I do he tells me I'm doing it wrong, or it's not good enough. When I make the effort to cook, he critiques me constantly and never says thank you. We don't have sex because I've gained weight and he points it out every time. I have tried and tried and get bullied for it constantly. So I don't do it because I would rather suffer his complaints on what I don't do rather than suffer his critique that I'm never good enough.

 

I don't like to play devil's advocate, especially since you seem like such a nice guy, but try to see if there's anything causing her to act this way. If not, then it's time to leave because she's never going to change. I'm sorry that you're unhappy in your marriage, especially with it only being a year into it. My gut advice is that you deserve to be happy and she deserves to be happy. You don't seem happy together. Be a little selfish and do what's right for you. Best of luck!

 

Yeah you definitely need to divorce your husband he sounds awful

[SevenCity]

OH man... I feel for you. My wife is a slob as well, and justifies it by talking about how hard she works, or how much she enjoys her downtime. She also has slacked off in the bedroom, although not to such an extreme extent.

 

If I wasn't 20 years in, with two children, I think I would tell her that life is too short to be cleaning up after another adult, and I'd move on.

 

As it is, I've been very clear with her on what I need from a life partner in the kitchen, in the bedroom, in the bank, and out in public, and I try to do my part in all areas as well.

 

The thing is, if you force her, she will do it. But what you really want is for her to WANT to do this stuff on her own.

 

Be forceful. Make her do it. When she leaves a mess, tell her to pick it up right away. When she hangs her clothes on the door, tell her right away thats not where dirty clothes go. When you come home and the bed isn't made, grab one side, tell her to grab the other, and make the bed. And if she doesn't like it, tell her she can leave. It only gets worse with kids. It's annoying to be the "Dad" but I think it's what you need to do. Put your foot down.

 

After setting this standard with my wife for about a year, she came around. She know makes the bed everyday on her own, because she realizes how easy it is, and how much nicer it is to come home to each day. She cleans her messes up immediately ( for the most part ) partly because she doesn't want to hear from me about it, but partly because she appreciates how clean the place always is now. And when I want some lovin, I tell her earlier in the day that I'm feelin it, and plan to molest her when I get home. lol. In a playful way of course. If she shuts me down too many days in a row, I remind her that if she wants a monogamous marriage, that means hooking a brother up once in awhile even if she isn't in the mood.

 

Some people need to be "parented" until the realize on their own that they like a little more structure. Worked for me. But then, my wife knew I'd walk out. Does yours?

 

While this may work, do you want to be married to a child or a partner?

 

Your wife should do these things because it makes you happy. She should want to have sex with you.

 

I don't see this marriage good for either party.

[TrustedthenBusted]

While this may work, do you want to be married to a child or a partner?

 

Your wife should do these things because it makes you happy. She should want to have sex with you.

 

I don't see this marriage good for either party.

 

While I agree with you on many levels, a lot of people come here, share a little grief, and get bombarded with armchair advice to immediately file for divorce.

 

Since the vast majority won't actually ever do that, I try to offer advice I think is practical, and more likely to be taken.

 

If he loved her enough to marry her, MAYBE it's worth a little more work..

[bubbaganoosh]

Look you either draw a line in the sand and let her know that either she gets a change in attitude and start being more of a wife and partner then a slob taking up space or your lawyer will be in touch with her and her lawyer and say it in a way that she knows your dead serious about it.

 

If she offers lip service and promises you the moon then tell her that actions speak louder then words and hold her feet to the fire and if she goes back to her old ways then end it. It's not a marriage anyhow. Your nothing but her butler and house keeper.