Seems we never agree anymore

[Thicke2013]

So, quick details: Married almost 2 years, been together nearly 4. Bought our home together 2 years ago this month. We were both previously divorced and I was still digging myself out of the financial mess that my ex left me in. Therefore we decided to put her name only on the mortgage so it wouldn't affect the rate. Most of you can probably see where this is going.

 

 

She said that it wouldn't affect how the household runs. The plan was to wait a couple of years when my credit score improves, refinance and both would be on it from there out. All the while I have been contributing 100% of my income into our joint account.

 

 

Fast forward to the present. There has been somewhat of a disagreement with the people that purchased the adjoining property. In short the plat they received at closing doesn't match the plat that we received at our closing. I immediately started doing research, called the PVA office and requested a copy of the plat, asked if there were any revisions to that plat, consulted with our CFO who is an attorney about possible legal action that may be necessary if it turns out our plat is incorrect, etc. This has been ongoing for a couple of weeks. This morning I walk over to her and show her what I have found and she immediately says she is going to contact her friend who was our real estate agent when we purchased the house. I asked her not to contact her as of yet until we consult with my CFO again to see who could be liable in such cases because he had mentioned that it could be the agent's fault for not pulling the most recent plat. I didn't want to put her on the defensive if it wasn't needed. My wife insisted on contacting her and wouldn't even let me finish what I was saying about my conversation with the CFO.

 

 

It's been about a 2 hour discussion back and forth now, me saying I feel disrespected that she didn't trust me enough to handle this or even to listen to the entire story prior to her contacting her friend, the agent. While I was trying to tell her why I didn't think it was a good idea she never stopped typing her text to her friend. I finally stopped and walked away. Now I'm being told that I'm a control freak and that I'm not happy unless I control everything. She even went so far as to tell me that I shouldn't have shared that information with my CFO without discussing with her first.

 

 

This may seem childish or small to everyone reading this but for us right now this is huge. It may be that this is another piece of straw on the proverbial camel's back. Any advice is appreciated. If I'm being an ass then be blunt. I can take it.

[RecentChange]

Well, I don't know what to tell you regarding the break down in communication in your marriage.

 

But FYI. It's the title insurance company that should be contacted. They are the ones who insure the owner, and the lender regarding what land is actually owned.

[Mr. Lucky]

But FYI. It's the title insurance company that should be contacted. They are the ones who insure the owner, and the lender regarding what land is actually owned.

 

Amen. Their specific responsibility during the purchase transaction.

 

She even went so far as to tell me that I shouldn't have shared that information with my CFO without discussing with her first.

 

Not taking sides but this seems a valid point. Why does your outreach trump hers? At the very least, a well-communicated joint plan of action would have cut this off at the pass...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Thicke2013]

Well, I don't know what to tell you regarding the break down in communication in your marriage.

 

But FYI. It's the title insurance company that should be contacted. They are the ones who insure the owner, and the lender regarding what land is actually owned.

 

 

We do have title insurance but still had to do the research to determine if we were misled. Which it turns out we were.

[Thicke2013]

Not taking sides but this seems a valid point. Why does your outreach trump hers? At the very least, a well-communicated joint plan of action would have cut this off at the pass...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

No sides to be taken. I'm not looking to be told I'm right here, I'm looking for answers even if that means I have to apologize.

 

 

My outreach doesn't trump hers, I was simply handling this from the start, and she was traveling for work all week last week. It seemed to me that as soon as I showed her what I'd found, then she took it over. Basically made me feel like she didn't trust me to handle it. Make sense?

[Mr. Lucky]

Make sense?

 

It does, though I'm not sure why you're making it about trust when communication seems to be the issue. Seems you'd both want to consult with each other before someone else...

 

Mr. Lucky

[WilyWill]

As a technical matter, I think you're going about it the right way. The realtor need not be given a heads up. You have to protect yourself, your wife and your property, and you went about it the right way. You probably should have kept your wife in the loop, however, and you might want to apologize for that. But seriously, what is wrong with getting some advice from a friend at work? It's not like you committed to anything that involved your wife.

 

It's been a while since I've purchased property, but I believe it is the title company that provides the most recent plat as well as a legal description of the lot. Where I live, we are required to have another plat drawn up before closing. If the title company provided bad information, I think your title insurance should cover it, as another poster mentioned. However, there is a conflict of interest, and they will do whatever they can to avoid compensating you for their mistake. You may have to get an attorney involved to put pressure on them.

[lovingladyo4]

I am so sorry about your property line conflict; I have to believe the accurate boundary lines drawn up by a surveyor should be the default to go by. If the original pins outlining the parameters of your property are not in place and a surveyor has to replace them according to the legal description from the county, then you will either have to absorb the cost of hiring a surveyor, or split the cost with your neighbor. Interesting... same thing just happened to my daughter with the property they bought. In their case it was the agent's mistake for providing incorrect information. It was his responsibility to go back to the county records and get a copy of the deed. Seems to me your neighbor needs some verification.

 

I can't say for certain legal action is required, but I am sensing the equally, if not more disturbing issue bothering you is between you and your wife. I picture this scenario playing out and can feel how distraught you have become trying to outline a practical and logical approach to resolving this. Your wife seemed very eager to join forces with her friend, wanting to defer to her knowledge instead. Why she chose to override your strategy is at the heart of why you feel rejected and disconnected. I would feel the same way too, since it would be nice to be in agreement.

 

I don't have a problem with your wife wanting to get some preofessional feedback, but if she would have gone about it more with an attitude of, "Hey, let's ask so-and-so and get her take on this - she may be able to shed some light on how these things actually work."

 

The sentence that catches my attention the most is "without discussing with her first." She asked you to do something she wasn't willing to do herself. Maybe when the emotions die down and she is more approachable, I would encourage you to bring some healthy resolution to this. It will fester inside of you if it doesn't get addressed. I would be curious to know her motive for seeking out her friend's advice so quickly. Take that moment to agree on how you will resolve future conflicts. Once she gives you her word, you can hold her accountable to it.

 

Thanks for sharing. I sure hope you get the bottom of this and can get this resolved. Praying for you friend!

Edited August 2, 2016 by lovingladyo4

[Thicke2013]

It does, though I'm not sure why you're making it about trust when communication seems to be the issue. Seems you'd both want to consult with each other before someone else...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

This is my point exactly. She allowed me to take the lead on this and doing all the research, calling the PVA office, acquiring the plats, etc. I go to her to show her what I've found so that WE can discuss, and she immediately wants to discuss with her friend, our realtor. I asked her not to at that moment and to allow me to explain why. She continued texting her friend. The trust issue for me is that she wanted her friends advice on it rather than taking mine or at the very least hearing me out.

[Thicke2013]

As a technical matter, I think you're going about it the right way. The realtor need not be given a heads up. You have to protect yourself, your wife and your property, and you went about it the right way. You probably should have kept your wife in the loop, however, and you might want to apologize for that. But seriously, what is wrong with getting some advice from a friend at work? It's not like you committed to anything that involved your wife.

 

It's been a while since I've purchased property, but I believe it is the title company that provides the most recent plat as well as a legal description of the lot. Where I live, we are required to have another plat drawn up before closing. If the title company provided bad information, I think your title insurance should cover it, as another poster mentioned. However, there is a conflict of interest, and they will do whatever they can to avoid compensating you for their mistake. You may have to get an attorney involved to put pressure on them.

 

 

This was exactly it for me. IF it turns out that her friend neglected to do something correctly I'm afraid that she would be more concerned about covering her tracks than helping us reach a resolution.

 

 

As for the property dispute, we do have our appraisal, and title insurance which all show the same acreage and plat that we received at closing. I think at the very least we have a good case that the property was misrepresented.

[Thicke2013]

I am so sorry about your property line conflict; I have to believe the accurate boundary lines drawn up by a surveyor should be the default to go by. If the original pins outlining the parameters of your property are not in place and a surveyor has to replace them according to the legal description from the county, then you will either have to absorb the cost of hiring a surveyor, or split the cost with your neighbor. Interesting... same thing just happened to my daughter with the property they bought. In their case it was the agent's mistake for providing incorrect information. It was his responsibility to go back to the county records and get a copy of the deed. Seems to me your neighbor needs some verification.

 

I can't say for certain legal action is required, but I am sensing the equally, if not more disturbing issue bothering you is between you and your wife. I picture this scenario playing out and can feel how distraught you have become trying to outline a practical and logical approach to resolving this. Your wife seemed very eager to join forces with her friend, wanting to defer to her knowledge instead. Why she chose to override your strategy is at the heart of why you feel rejected and disconnected. I would feel the same way too, since it would be nice to be in agreement.

 

I don't have a problem with your wife wanting to get some preofessional feedback, but if she would have gone about it more with an attitude of, "Hey, let's ask so-and-so and get her take on this - she may be able to shed some light on how these things actually work."

 

The sentence that catches my attention the most is "without discussing with her first." She asked you to do something she wasn't willing to do herself. Maybe when the emotions die down and she is more approachable, I would encourage you to bring some healthy resolution to this. It will fester inside of you if it doesn't get addressed. I would be curious to know her motive for seeking out her friend's advice so quickly. Take that moment to agree on how you will resolve future conflicts. Once she gives you her word, you can hold her accountable to it.

 

Thanks for sharing. I sure hope you get the bottom of this and can get this resolved. Praying for you friend!

 

The land issue will be what it will be. We will face it head on and whatever the outcome will not ultimately affect us all that much. My issue, you are correct, was the way she handled me. I felt as though she was okay with me doing all the leg work and research, but as soon as I found the results, rather than us discussing the next step and agreeing together she chose to seek advice from her friend. I even asked her in the midst of her texting, "why can't we talk and agree on this?". Her response was, "why do you have a problem with me contacting my friend? she would never do anything to hurt us." I said we need to agree on this and she kept texting so I walked away. The potential conflict of interest with her friend also being our realtor made me want to discuss what our options were prior to contacting her. Her friend is a good person and I know her pretty well but if she realizes that she messed up and it could cost her financially is she really going to fess up and have our best interest in mind or is she going to protect herself?

 

 

Thanks for the prayers, they are always welcomed and appreciated.

[veryhappy]

Your view on the situation seems very reasonable. She should bave listened to you instead of texting her friend.

 

This might turn into a life lesson for your wife. The realtor might take responsibility, or if she doesn't your wife may see that friends can betray for money and the friendships breaks apart. She'll be aware of that from that point forward.

 

As far as what you should do, if I were you I'd keep out of it completely. You did your research, you wanted to talk to her, and she fully disregarded you. If she doesn't need you, she can handle it to resolution. She can't just use you as a research assistant.

 

Regarding the accusation that you are controlling, if this has come up more than in this case when you weren't, I suggest you sort it out.