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PurpleSmurf

Let me put this out there.

 

I'm 27, and I live with a man (let's call him Clive) I live in a flat that I love in a place that I love. He is 36 and we've known each other for 9 years, we met at work when I was 18. He's seen me at my worst, my most vulnerable, and he still loves me unconditionally. He was living with someone when we first met, then got engaged to her, there wasn't an initial attraction to him, but the more we got to know each other, by year 3 I liked him, there was a drunken fumble between us which his fiancé found out about and temporarily kicked him out for, in the end they both wanted different things.. She wanted to have kids, and he wanted me. Over 3 year have now gone by with us being together.

 

The relationship isn't easy, it's stressful as he is very hot-headed and argumentative, and I am not one to be bossed around, which makes for a fiery and frustrating combination. He adores me, and tells people all the time that I'm the only woman who can put up with him, and that we're soulmates. I love his family, I don't have a big family (consists of 2 people), and I love being around them and feeling like I'm a part of something.

 

Clive is fairly inexperienced in being in relationships, he's only really had one before me, with long periods of being single before that. I on the other hand, have always been in relationships since 16, only a few months gap in between any. With low self esteem as a teenager, anyone who paid me attention I was in awe of, and instantly got into a relationship with, regardless of whether they were right for me or if I was really convinced I liked them back.

 

During one of these single months, in summer '14 (Clive was still with the fiancé, so I had basically written him off), I went to a friends BBQ.. Lots of people from work who I didn't know, stuck with the few people I did. I saw someone from across the garden who I couldn't drag my eyes away from, nor him from mine. God-like looking creature, tall, blonde, muscly, a face that made me speechless. I managed to cobble together some ridiculous attempt at flirtation when I was creating a burger at the BBQ which was reciprocated, but didn't see him again after that, he was the drummer for the band playing at this BBQ. He was far too attractive to be human anyway. Next day I had some colleagues tell me someone who i hadn't talked to at this event called Pete had taken a shine to me, and was given his number. Heart a-flutter with the prospect of it being my drummer, we started texting, I liked the sound of him, we met up. It wasn't the drummer, it was the drummers younger brother. Nice guy, paid me attention, so of course, we went out for a few months *eye-roll*. This did make for awkward moments when I met his family (and the drummer hunk, Jack), and lots of sideways looks. There was an odd situation at the time with Jack's ex girlfriend who was always hanging around, and I soon realised that this man didn't need any more ego-plumping to know that I was drooling over him too. Things with Pete didn't last, he was immature and had too much of a wandering eye, so that ended after a few months.

 

Fast forward to Feb '13, I got together with Clive after he broke up with his fiancé and moved back to his mums. We moved in together Jan '14 to a rented flat, blissfully happy. My mum has many reservations about Clive, partly as she thinks he forced me to move out of her house, partly due to his unique personality. We bought a flat in Apr '15, in a lovely area, massive financial stretch, Clive still owes me money for various fees and furniture costs when buying this place. We have discussed getting engaged, and Clive is adamant he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and will propose when his debts are paid off. He is the kind of person who is always in debt, he always spends more than he earns even though he's on a very decent wage. I don't see any commitment to curb his spending, therefore he feels he's unable to propose until then.

 

A few months before we bought this place, a meeting I chair once a week on a Tuesday, had a very unexpected visitor, drummer Jack. I knew he worked at the same place as me, but didn't realised it was so close, and he was being tried out for a position which would mean eventually, (at this point in time) being within 10 metres of him for most of the day. I could feel my ears burning all meeting, a few people were giving me funny looks, but I had never felt chemistry this intense before. (Before this stage I thought the initially chemistry with Clive was intense, but this was another level) as the weeks went by, I was a bit easier being around Jack, he was being very professional, and I knew I needed to get over this ridiculous crush. Summer '15, and another work BBQ, I went with Clive (we'd just had a huge argument, surprise surprise, and I wasn't in the mood to be particularly social), smaller than the last BBQ and plenty of people I know. In walks Jack and various people in his team. ****. Clive can't see me swooning, Clive and Jack shake hand and introduce themselves. I need to get a grip, I don't know why I'm freaking out. I had no intention of drinking at this BBQ, a few people persuaded me to leave my car there, so I did. Champagne and beers later, I find myself talking to the group of about 5 that Jack is with, chatting away, somehow Jack's brother is mentioned (can't fully remember how, beers fault), and I make some comment about him. Jack then asks how I know his brother Pete.. WTF?.. This catches me completely off guard, so I reply and say I went out with him for a few months a couple of years ago. Jack's exact words after hearing this were "oh my god, you're the girl in the purple dress". To which, everyone in the circle stopped talking, and we're looking at us. The place I first met Jack 3 year previous, I was wearing a bright purple dress. He's still standing there open-mouthed at me. His friends and all looking at him and starting to take the piss and ask questions like "what the hell does that mean?". It was all a blur for a few minutes to be honest, his friends mocking him, and looking at me telling me that Jamie was clearly in love with me ect, and Jack keeping on looking at me with amazement. After that passed, I managed to ask him the burning question, as to why he didn't recognise me before now, I had been sat in meeting rooms with him for 2 hours every week for months. He said he didn't know, and that he was just in work mode, which I still find odd to this day. The rest of the evening, consisted of him being topless and being in a jacuzzi in this garden were in. I hadn't brought swimming stuff and wasn't physically looking my best at the time, so there is no way I was getting in that jacuzzi. I was trying hard not to flirt with this man who know couldn't keep his eyes off me, for the sake of Clive, and any hurtful rumours being started. Clive was talking to other people during all this, although had noticed something wasn't quite right with the amount of time I was spending with this group. The house next door was Jack's friends, so as everyone drank more, I went into the friends house with this groups to pillage more drinks, and found myself alone in the kitchen with Jack. Oh dear. As he kissed me, I told him I can't as I have a boyfriend, who is outside. He told me to shush and kissed me again. I was very drunk at this point and the memories and extremely blurred, but it was the most erotic moment of my life, I wish I remembered it a bit more. As far as I can remember, there was more kissing and running round the house, there was no sex, just amazement as to how much spark there was. Eventually I remembered I had a Clive. I found my phone to see 20 missed calls and found Clive in the next door garden passed out drunk, I loaded him in my car as it was about 4am, drove home, drunk and scared. Clive was still passed out in the back seat, a few drunk texts I had read on my phone from Clive the night before seemed to suggest he knew something had happened, and that I was a slut. We got home safe, went to bed. I woke up after a few hours in bed and Clive was awake in the living room. I went through all the texts in my phone and the voicemails, alone in our room and have never silently cried so much in my life and the things Clive was saying and how distraught he was. He was a broken man. After hours of conversation, I had said I didn't remember a thing, I was too drunk. All Clive told me he had seen was me getting close to someone through some curtains from the outside the house, but he couldn't see who it was, or if there was anything more than a hug. He accepted that I didn't remember, and that if i ever do remember, that he doesn't want to know. I love Clive, and I've never been so scared in my life at losing someone.

 

Fast forward to now, we have moved on from that, I get the feeling that some trust has gone of Clive's part (which I don't blame him), and that he's a bit twitchy with me talking to men, and needs a lot or reassuring that I don't fancy anyone else.

 

The problem is this. I love Clive, I am comfortable with Clive, sometimes I feel a little too comfortable, and without passion. The sex is good when it happens, but arguments and personal habits which come from being with someone for a long time don't make me feel like I want to have sex as regularly as a couple should.

I still see Jack almost daily, and my heart still races at a million miles an hour when we talk, other people have commented that it's extremely obvious that there if a very strong bond and that he's very into me. He also has a reputation as a womaniser (and have heard stories), and lots of other women swoon at him, although he managed to be flirtatious and keep his composure with them, whereas he ends up going red and usually quite geeky when he's talking to me. I don't actually believe me and him could be good together, I doubt I could trust him, or deal with the constant attention he gets. I believe it's more what he represents.

 

Should I continue my life with Clive, someone I love and is loyal (and may propose if he ever learns how to manage his money), or do I break it all off, sell the flat and start again, in search of something more passionate, less stressful, but potentially a lot lonelier.

 

Any thoughts are much appreciated, sorry it's so long, felt good to write it all down at least :)

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Let me put this out there.

 

I'm 27, and I live with a man (let's call him Clive) I live in a flat that I love in a place that I love. He is 36 and we've known each other for 9 years, we met at work when I was 18. He's seen me at my worst, my most vulnerable, and he still loves me unconditionally. He was living with someone when we first met, then got engaged to her, there wasn't an initial attraction to him, but the more we got to know each other, by year 3 I liked him, there was a drunken fumble between us which his fiancé found out about and temporarily kicked him out for, in the end they both wanted different things.. She wanted to have kids, and he wanted me. Over 3 year have now gone by with us being together.

 

 

Should I continue my life with Clive, someone I love and is loyal (and may propose if he ever learns how to manage his money), or do I break it all off, sell the flat and start again, in search of something more passionate, less stressful, but potentially a lot lonelier.

 

Any thoughts are much appreciated, sorry it's so long, felt good to write it all down at least :)

 

You have all but said that you have little raw chemistry with Clive, but that the lust factor is through the roof with Jack.

 

Please don't do this to Clive. Don't use him or settle for him as the "safe" and "dependable" guy. He needs a woman who lusts after him, who desires him and who is attracted to him. He may have a lack of good social skills, and that his problem to overcome, but you don't need to stay with him out of some sense of obligation that he needs a woman who can keep him under control.

 

Never commit to spend your life with a man who you are not physically attracted to, because he is not going to get any more handsome. Time and age will do what it does to all men. If it is tolerable for you now, ten years from now any small attraction you may have for him will be long gone. You are setting yourself and Clive up for heartache down the road.

 

Break up with Clive and pursue Jack. He's the one you want.

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kiwishelly2

You are the only one who can ultimately decide whether you should stay with Clive or not but you say enough in your post to see that there are some definite reservations you are having both because of the dynamics of your relationship with Clive and the strong bond you feel for Jack. I would strongly encourage you to get some counseling to work through all of this. Marriage is a lifelong commitment and not a decision to make lightly. I have had counseling before and I found it very freeing to talk with someone who did not know any of the people involved but could look at the relationship from the outside and also from a place of wisdom and experience. I will be praying for you that you find a good counselor and also that you find the answers you are looking for… take care!

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You need to dump Clive. It seems to me that you are a creature who has no control over your emotions, rather, that they control you. For whatever reason, the ability of mature grown-ups to tame their own inner demons is something that is lacking in you... You are eventually going to bang the other man, and you know it. Don't hurt Clive any more than you already have. Then, instead of jumping directly into another man's bed, get some counseling so that you can better understand your own motivations...

 

Heck, if I was Clive, I'd dump you just for calling me 'Clive'...:sick:

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