Smitty81 Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 (edited) Hi I have come to end of my rope I live in a sexless marriage and have no idea what to do I love my wife very much and don't want to leave her but I cannot live like this and the constant rejection and excuses for why we don't have sex anymore I have tried talking and it gets nowhere I am very unhappy almost to the point where I do not want to be around her or even sleep.in the same bed with her. She thinks there is no issue with this and says she has a low sex drive which is bull**** because when we got together she couldn't get enough of it no after eight years there seems to be an issue. I'm sick of it I have no one to talk to and do not know where to turn to I'm hoping someone on here can kinda point me in some kind of direction. Edited August 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
bummer Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Got kids? She have any physical ailments which affect her sex drive? She put on weight? Can you account for her whereabouts most of the day? Any holes where she could be "getting it elsewhere?" Check her phone for texts or other messages? Others will have better advice, but try being romantic, take her out of the routine on a mini-vacation somewhere to show her you care. Bring her favorite drinks and try your best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 I concur with you as I once lived in a sexless marriage. The rejection you feel is a mental frinking beating. I too got to where I didn't want to sleep with her as it was just hurtful. For the last 3 years pretty much slept on the couch. No amount of discussing and years of us in counseling would get her to budge. The animosity grew within me and I absolutely couldn't take it anymore. What I did was begrudgingly hang in there until there was nothing left of my soul for her and I divorced her. One of the best choices I ever made. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 What I did was begrudgingly hang in there until there was nothing left of my soul for her and I divorced her. One of the best choices I ever made. Any idea what your ex-wife's life (specifically dating/relationship) was like after the divorce? I have seen some ex-spouses find their drive again once they are single - a few have not. Goes to the reasons behind sexless marriages 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Smitty81, I assume you mean NO sex - not just once a month or something. Have you tried marraige therapy? Also whats the downside of you divorcing - would/could life be better or worse if you divorced ? Link to post Share on other sites
tndawg Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 I know a lot of guys who are facing the same thing. Do you and your wife attend church or have a spiritual component to your marriage? Does she realize you are at this breaking point? What are you willing to do to save your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 (edited) Well smitty, short of a medical reason why she can't have sex, it is a deal breaker for a marriage IMHO. Also, check to make sure that you're not being a dick to her and that you still have her respect. After that, lay down the law, help her figure it out what is going on, and if she don't want to fix it, tell her that you will divorce her...and mean it. Edited August 1, 2016 by standtall Link to post Share on other sites
WilyWill Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 I feel for you, because I lived this way for many years. Ironically, it was only when I told my wife that I was giving up on intimacy with her that she came around. You're in a quandary, because you feel undesirable and worthless in her eyes. Sure, maybe you can compel her to give you "pity sex" or "duty sex". But somehow that just doesn't count, and will also be unfulfilling. She needs to understand that for you this is an essential component of your marriage--that she's putting emotional distance between the two of you. You should pay a visit to the reddit forum called "DeadBedrooms". There are hundreds of people on there who are living a sexless marriage or have "cured" one. It will be therapeutic for you to tell your own story, and you'll get good advice from people who are working on their own marriages. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted August 2, 2016 Share Posted August 2, 2016 (edited) Smitty81, I feel your pain. I am also in a sexless marriage. I had gone a year without having sex. My wife and I had sex last month, but it's going to be another six months with no sex at least. Unfortunately, we can not continue to go to counseling (we went to a few sessions) because she is unemployed. She is currently on anti-depressants due to her employment problems and other issues. She went off the pills for a couple of weeks because of the lack of sex in our marriage. That is why we were able to have sex. She went back on them because of her issues. Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can last. The sad part is we've only been married since January of 2015. We were together for almost two years before we married. I am miserable. I can't even afford to see a counselor on my own to help me cope. I was with my ex-wife for 13 years, and not once did we ever go more that 2 weeks without having sex, so I have never experienced a sexless relationship in my life. Believe me I know, I struggle every day living in a sexless marriage. I do love my wife very much, and I don't want to end my marriage. I just don't know how long I can live like this. I'm only 40, and I have a sex drive of a 18 year old. It sucks! Edited August 2, 2016 by Soxfaninfl Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 Unless something positive happens this is only going to get worse for you. And I question whether she even cares. Ask me how I know this. It's been 6 months since our last sexual contact. And now I find myself doing a mini 180 with her. Preparing for D or S? Not sure. We have been married 30 years and her LD has always been a problem. Our kids are grown and live away so that's no excuse any more. I've given up trying to talk with her about it since it's never done any good. Don't do what I've done. Wishing and hoping get you nowhere. Confront her. If you believe it's a deal killer, tell her. Just be prepared for tears and apologies. Remember, however, a mantra from LS. Watch her actions instead of believing her words. Don't be a victim of the death of a thousand cuts. It's too slow and painful. At your age I'd seriously consider starting over. It does only get worse over time. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 She thinks there is no issue with this and says she has a low sex drive which is bull**** because when we got together she couldn't get enough of it no after eight years there seems to be an issue. Well, a lot can happen in eight years. Is this recent? Anything happening that you think may have contributed to this? Sudden or gradual? So many questions... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 This is a subject that keeps coming up (pun kind-of intended) & I do get-it! When I think back over my life some of my very favorite times have been in bed. Not just sex but the laying in each others arms, talking late into the night. Sex feels great! Why would anyone not want to be doing it? I understand! My H devastated me & broke my heart. Suddenly 'I'm a girl'! The emotional disconnect, the mind moves, the horrible obsession...I just can't do it! At the start there was the "hysterical bonding" (a bit) but now there's a hurt I just can't get over. I used to be very sexually & physically confident. Not anymore!! Are you romantic, flattering? Do you talk a lot? Are you emotionally available? When was the last time that you told her how beautiful she is? Do you tell her that she's your everything? Do you flirt? Do you make her feel sexy & wanted? Does being romantic, flirting all day, bottle of wine, romantic/sexy movie help? If it's not that, has she had a full hormonal screening? (I don't mean just a simple GP test. I mean specialist) Women I know say that it can make all the difference. Is she physically self-conscious? Is she depressed? Stressed? Is she taking medications? Even contraceptives can kill a sex drive!! Other than these suggestions I don't know. I get that some people just aren't very sexual but you say that she once was. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 I would make sure you are in tip top shape, give her compliments, don't ogle other women or look at porn or do anything else grossly unattractive. If she doesn't come around, dump her. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 Often, there is no satisfactory solution for a sexless marriage. I know - I tried everything with my ex, from things I found in books to things suggested in marriage and individual counseling. If you've tried everything, then it is time to accept things as they are, or divorce. If you haven't tried everything, then give yourself a year at most to try the rest - if nothing has significantly improved, divorce. I decided to divorce. It was the best decision I have ever made. I went from miserable and sexless, with low self-esteem because of constant rejection, to immediately far happier because I once again had HOPE! And that hope turned into meeting far more compatible women who were all the things my ex was not - and even more compatible in the things that initially drew me to my ex. I am now living my ideal relationship - in fact, before I met my current wife, I had no idea just how wonderful a relationship could actually be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 Hi I have come to end of my rope I live in a sexless marriage and have no idea what to do I love my wife very much and don't want to leave her but I cannot live like this and the constant rejection and excuses for why we don't have sex anymore I have tried talking and it gets nowhere I am very unhappy almost to the point where I do not want to be around her or even sleep.in the same bed with her. She thinks there is no issue with this and says she has a low sex drive which is bull**** because when we got together she couldn't get enough of it no after eight years there seems to be an issue. I'm sick of it I have no one to talk to and do not know where to turn to I'm hoping someone on here can kinda point me in some kind of direction. Sorry to hear it man. And like others have said. almost nothing will fix this. At best, she may agree to do it "more often" but it will likely be very dissatisfying because she wont really be into it. Obligatory sex is almost as bad as none at all, and in many ways, worse than nothing at all. This is where I am now. I want steak, and my wife reluctantly allows me to have salad " serve-yourself-style" from a very limited menu. Now when I bring it up, she gets defensive and basically says the equivalent of " How can you complain that you aren't getting steak when you are getting salad at least once a week!" It's an awful place to be. But we all have our reasons for staying, and trying. Enjoy your salad, and try not to sneak our for a fast food burger. That won't help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts