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Old issues have come up again.


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Hubby and I have been happy for many years now since our reconciliation. We married four years ago and just had our anniversary two days ago. That wasn't a great one though.

 

Hubby used to exhibit poor behaviors due to addiction in my eyes. He quit drinking and drugs seven or 8 years ago.

 

About a year and a half ago he started drinking again. I started noticing old behaviors and brought them up consistently through the last year and a half. They weren't deal breakers, but were annoyances. He denied the issues existed in our present. One deal breaker became noticeable about six months ago.

 

He used to have patterns of behavior that were very predictable before. The one that was most damaging was his relationship with other woman in comparison to me. He starts out with looking lots at other women. It isn't the normal "she's pretty" type of thing. He used to stare at them to the point where he would trip over me (literally), or not hear me speaking to him. It was blatant and disrespectful. Then he moves on to not having sex with me anymore and masturbating instead. Then he has an emotional affair, then he leaves me for her. He only left me for the woman once before but would have left me for others if he had the opportunity. We worked through all of that and he has been awesome for many years now, until he started drinking again and the progression has been like clock work in all areas. This one though is the only one that cuts me deep.

 

He has again started all of this. He quit having sex with me, masturbates instead and makes it obvious to me and the woman he is staring at, that he is into her. Now he doesn't stare. He avoids eye or any contact with her to the point it is obvious. The point is, he acts differently around good looking women again and he hasn't done that for years. There is a change in him.

 

He has finally acknowledged what is going on and says it has nothing to do with me. He got involved in "self" which I understand and it makes sense. He is working hard now to show me value and he is doing fantastic. I am elated with it.

 

My struggle is how to get past how horrible I feel in his eyes. I have not let myself go. I have actually lost weight and I have not changed at all in any way from when I felt pretty in his eyes. He agrees with that. If I go out other men notice me so I can't be ugly. I am not as toned as I used to be but other than that, no differences. Even when I was perfectly toned and had an actual supermodel body he was still like this.

 

The chicks he looks at are the type that have big tits, perfect makeup, hair, perfect bodies. The type that spend a great deal of time and money on themselves and don't go out in public without being done up every time. I asked him if there was anything he would like to see changed in me. It was a struggle for him to tell me. I was elated when he said he would like to see me more toned. I would too so we are on the same page there. I wasn't offended and thanked him for being real with me. I have no issue changing things about myself but he keeps saying there is nothing else to change except me being more toned. How can that be when I don't look like the women he looks at?

 

I have no idea how to get past this again. I am grateful he has seen the issues and is actively fixing them. It is just that his actions that we have been dealing with since I brought it up do not match what he says today.

 

I can't for the life of me bring myself to believe he wouldn't prefer me to be in one of the bodies he admires. I can't believe he actually finds me attractive. I don't know how to change my thoughts on this which isn't common for me. I am at a loss.

 

Any other women go through this?

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About a year and a half ago he started drinking again. I started noticing old behaviors and brought them up consistently through the last year and a half.

 

Should have been your boundary, line in the sand. By continuing to be there for him, you're enabling these behaviors.

 

I asked him if there was anything he would like to see changed in me. It was a struggle for him to tell me. I was elated when he said he would like to see me more toned. I would too so we are on the same page there. I wasn't offended and thanked him for being real with me. I have no issue changing things about myself but he keeps saying there is nothing else to change except me being more toned. How can that be when I don't look like the women he looks at?

 

Two things. First, how sad that your standard of appearance is to be like the women he wants to cheat on you with :( . Second, all the "supermodel toning" in the world won't address the central issue here - his lack of respect for you and commitment to your marriage.

 

You should think about heading to counseling instead of the gym...

 

Mr. Lucky

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This loser is offering you nothing, he's useless. Get to a lawyer not the gym.

 

Dump him then work on your self esteem. Best thing to do. I would never go through this cause I would have kicked him to the curve immediately when this disgusting behaviour started. He's a complete pig.

Edited by Dolfin80
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Should have been your boundary, line in the sand. By continuing to be there for him, you're enabling these behaviors.

 

 

 

Two things. First, how sad that your standard of appearance is to be like the women he wants to cheat on you with :( . Second, all the "supermodel toning" in the world won't address the central issue here - his lack of respect for you and commitment to your marriage.

 

You should think about heading to counseling instead of the gym...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks for the response. He has already quit drinking so that isn't a problem any longer. He has quit because I let him know that if poor behaviors emerge out of his drinking, I cannot be with him and will not be someone's emotional punching bag. He took me seriously and quit. There was a therapist involved when he started drinking again. The decision was not made lightly. I probably should have stated he has already quit and has been fully accountable for his behavior. He is not making excuses for it, minimizing, denying, justifying etc. It took him over a year to recognize it though, but a main factor in addiction is denial so no surprise there.

 

I think he also struggled with identifying the root of the issue as we quit going to church the same time as he started drinking. Our particular church put a great emphasis on principles of chastity which he states ensured he didn't feel like this for many years. He was mindful of our relationship, of me and these issues stayed away until he started to think differently.

 

I find it interesting that you say "the women he wants to cheat on you with". I don't think he is just thinking they are pretty anymore. I think he pictures having sex with them and that hurts. I think he loves me a great deal and is fearful of losing me.

 

He has said the exact same thing you have said. He tells me that my standard of beauty for myself should not be what I think he sees in other women. He says he understands how I would feel that way and he is sorry for creating feelings of insecurity in me, not valuing me or the relationship. He recognizes the root issues is not that he sees beauty in other women. It is that he does not show value for me.

 

I know him pretty well after all these years and I am not concerned about him changing his behavior. He is already actively doing that and has been successful.

 

I don't know how to believe he finds me attractive or desirable even if he tells me I am. I don't know how to shake that and that is specifically what I am seeking aid with. How to feel beautiful when there are no behaviors that would indicate someone feels that way. It feels impossible. Ugh.

 

 

Maybe it will just take time?

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Lois_Griffin
I asked him if there was anything he would like to see changed in me. It was a struggle for him to tell me. I was elated when he said he would like to see me more toned. I would too so we are on the same page there. I wasn't offended and thanked him for being real with me. I have no issue changing things about myself but he keeps saying there is nothing else to change except me being more toned. How can that be when I don't look like the women he looks at?

Jesus, WHY are you pandering to this abusive, deceitful fool?

 

Are you REALLY going to go down this road with him AGAIN after all the crap he's done already?

He only left me for the woman once before but would have left me for others if he had the opportunity.
The key word in the sentence above is "only." As though it was such a minor infraction that it's minimal. THIS is the guy you're bending yourself into a pretzel for.

 

AGAIN.

 

I have no idea how to get past this again. I am grateful he has seen the issues and is actively fixing them.
The key word in the first sentence above is "again." And why are you 'grateful' that he's supposedly fixing the issues he keeps dumping on YOUR doorstep? How many MORE times does he have to 'fix' his issues before he's worthy of being with ANYONE? He should be damned grateful you haven't kicked his worthless ass to the curb, because that's where it belongs. He sure lucked out when he got you because most women would have been SO done with him already.

I can't for the life of me bring myself to believe he wouldn't prefer me to be in one of the bodies he admires. I can't believe he actually finds me attractive. I don't know how to change my thoughts on this which isn't common for me. I am at a loss.

 

Any other women go through this?

Go through what, feeling 'grateful' that the man I married has 'chosen' me over all those hot model types out there that he gets off to while acting as though I'm too disgusting to have sex with? No, I have to say I've never allowed myself to be degraded and disrespected to that level.

 

But let's get honest here, shall we? On what planet would he have a CHOICE between the hard bodies he gets off to and you? Have these hard bodies been knocking on the door asking for him to come out and play? I highly doubt most beautiful big breasted hard body types would want anything to do with his sorry, middle-aged ass - in this lifetime OR the next. So he's not 'choosing' you over them. You're his default choice, and sadly, you're so grateful for it that you don't even realize the depth of the disrespect you're willing to accept in order to cling to him.

 

It's actually just sad.

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Thanks Lois_Griffin. What you have wrote has been exactly how I have been feeling for the past three weeks now and I have been very vocal about sharing my feelings.

 

Then I move to feeling worthless again and back to knowing it isn't my issue and I am pretty darn amazing. I can move back and forth between those thoughts several times in a day. It drives me crazy. I wrote the op when I was feeling really down. Today I feel angry. I feel like such a basket case.

 

I keep going on and on about it actually to the point where I am disgusted with my own words. He is tired of hearing now about his behaviors over and over again, probably because its hard to fix things when they are constantly being brought up.

 

He is aware I am actively looking for a place to live and is aware I will not tolerate this in my life now, hence moving. I probably should have stated that too in the original post. I have been fighting being disrespected and finally feel defeated I guess.

 

Thanks for your reminders. I will be reading your post several times over I'm sure. This was exactly what I needed to hear even though it is hard to hear it. I appreciate your honesty and feedback.

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He is aware I am actively looking for a place to live and is aware I will not tolerate this in my life now, hence moving. I probably should have stated that too in the original post. I have been fighting being disrespected and finally feel defeated I guess.

 

Big step but probably a necessary one, even if the relationship is going to survive.

 

I'm sure you know Clep, when dealing with an addict you can take away the substance but the addictive behaviors persist. Impaired judgement, poor impulse control and inability to connect cause and effect become hard-wired.

 

Do what's needed to have a healthy you. Regardless of how things turns out, obviously your best path going forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Mr Lucky, you have touched on why I struggle to leave. Not that I won't, but that I still struggle greatly.

 

I remember back when he started his journey of sobriety. He was horrible. All those behaviors remained even when he wasn't drinking for a year. He burned all his AA books one day and I freaked out. He went to cognitive behavioral therapy instead. The progress was noticeable immediately and it was remarkable. He added in personal development books and has been an outstanding husband for the last six years, until he started drinking again.

 

Now that he has seen what is going on, he is active in therapy again and personal development. Mind you, it has only been a week but the same progress is happening again. I now have my normal husband again. He will stumble along the way but the difference now is he will simply be accountable and continue on his path. He isn't doing anything to try to retain his poor skills.

 

If he went six years before being what I wanted in a husband he can do that again and is now. I don't have to live here while he makes his changes. He is hopeful I won't move. Where we live housing is an issue and I haven't found anything yet in the last two weeks. He is hoping he can present enough change before I find a place to avoid me moving.

 

I find it fascinating that when he started his drinking and I realized a few months later things were going south, I also responded the way I would back in the day with co dependence and control issues. It has taken me a year to realize my own role. Not in relation to onus for the issues, but for falling back into old patters as well. Instead of setting boundaries I have been requesting things change which has been ineffective for obvious reasons.

 

Back in the day I would never have left him. I would stick around being that support person and put myself through a ton of crap. He knows I am no longer that person and knowing I'm moving really lit a fire under his ass.

 

I don't have to decide anything today except not to accept undesirable behaviors to this extent. My place will come. He has already agreed to take on all debt and take over our current lease on his own. That was a relief as before I paid for everything and he let me know he won't leave me to do everything on my own again.

 

I have always lived by the standard "if you're trying, I'm trying". I am struggling with that right now but I will get through it. At least I don't feel like I need to be like every other woman out there anymore. Your words really struck me and for that I thank you.

 

Thanks for your level headed responses.

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ExpatInItaly

Oh, sweet me.

 

I don't know how you can possibly remain married to a man whose interest you struggle to maintain.

 

You shouldn't have to campaign so hard for his respect and attention.

 

This situation is totally arse-backwards. He is the one who should be going out of his way to demonstrate how much he values you. Instead, you are the one jumping up and down, waving your arms and asking how you can become the eye candy he enjoys so much?

 

No. This is not a healthy marriage at all.

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Thanks for your level headed responses.

 

Trust me Clep, like you my journey dealing with my addict has been anything anything but "level". And I'll see any enabling mistakes you've made and raise you a hundred more. Been there, done that.

 

One of the hard truths I've learned is, if you let them drag you down the rabbit hole, you're not in a position to help them if they get to a point where they're ready. It really is a solitary disease, both for the addict and their loved ones.

 

You'll have to decide how much more of your life you'll dedicate to his cause. At some point, you may realize you deserve more in return. Hope your path leads to health and happiness...

 

Mr. Lucky

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jazzyhands89

I would not tolerate his very disrespectful and rude Behavior why did you get back with him if he acted that way when you had a super model body? That was not very smart

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