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Should I divorce or suffer


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Lostandafraid16

Want to appologize in advance for the long thread..

 

Where do I begin.. I am unhappy, very unhappy.

 

I recently married the father of my son, and soon to be 2nd child at the end of June. I was a city hall ceremony and was kind of last minute. We figured we might as well.

 

Here's some background on our situation.

 

I'm 32, he's 30. We met 5 years ago and had our share of up's and down's, plenty. After our son was born we started to have difficulties communicating, so many explosive fights had happened around then. To the point of me asking him to move out. He has a huge temper, and a horrible way of seeing things outside of his own beliefs.

 

During our time apart he moved in with his father for about a year. He drank and drank and drank to the point of obliteration. He would go out to clubs and drink and take klonopin to boot. Within the time he moved out, I'd say about 3 months, he had a DWI with property damage. He continued to drink his life away. Very emotionally immature and unstable he was at the time, I still would let him over at least 3 times a week to see our child.

 

When he'd come by, he'd just curse at me, give me mean faces and tell me how i was garbage and wished i would just die. Still I let him visit our child. Eventually he met someone who and moved out of his dad and into a new place, and then allowed her to move in two weeks after meeting. I would say that lasted about a month before they started calling the cops on each other.

 

I decide in order to keep sanity and the health of my child as a priority, to let him take my son with his mother out during "visits" I just could handle him say horrible things in front of my son.

 

Fast forward to summer of last year when I guess they were not on and off, he started drinking 24 hours a day. He would drink during work hours at home alone and just black out. He said he didnt like being alone. He did a stint in a one week rehab at the advice of his employer who wanted to fire him for his alcoholism. So he did that but continued to drink and take pills. He got to the point where he would get drunk and decide to come to my house and kick my door to get in. Cops were called and he was brought to pshyc at a hospital via ambulance. that went on for months. he started leaving me threatening messages and calling me a dirty bitch a whore, garbage, and all other types of explicit words. He blamed me making him leave for all of his problems and drinking.

 

I guess you would say earlier in the year he decided to get himself straightened out after i cut off all contact and said he wouldnt be allowed to see my son. he'd call me crying saying how he's change and doesnt drink and he made all kinds of promises. So after some time we decided to try to make it work, with the agreement that he didnt drink. Not long after he came home from a night shift wasted. And it's been every two weeks since in moved back in April. Don't get me wrong, he loves his son. And we're noq 2 months pregnant. And the arguing every day has returned. His mother is involved in everything, and I believe making things worse, as he only tells his version of everything. Hes the most manipulative immature man, yet not a terrible person, ive ever met. everything is always my fault and he's perfect, and he "only drinks once a week" eventhough i said i bothers me.

He even got drunk in front of my son a few weeks ago. He comes home from work and only speaks about himself and pretends to be a loving dad to our son by buying him gifts of playing with toys.

 

Im wondering if i should suffer and stay married or move on? He only lives to make himself happy, does not address any issues and oh we havent been intimate since very early June.

I'm just afraid of what he would do to me and my life.

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Where do I begin.. I am unhappy, very unhappy... After our son was born we started to have difficulties communicating, so many explosive fights had happened around then. To the point of me asking him to move out. He has a huge temper, and a horrible way of seeing things outside of his own beliefs.

 

During our time apart he moved in with his father for about a year. He drank and drank and drank to the point of obliteration. He would go out to clubs and drink and take klonopin to boot. Within the time he moved out, I'd say about 3 months, he had a DWI with property damage. He continued to drink his life away. Very emotionally immature and unstable he was at the time, I still would let him over at least 3 times a week to see our child.

 

When he'd come by, he'd just curse at me, give me mean faces and tell me how i was garbage and wished i would just die. So he did that but continued to drink and take pills. He got to the point where he would get drunk and decide to come to my house and kick my door to get in. Cops were called and he was brought to pshyc at a hospital via ambulance. that went on for months. he started leaving me threatening messages and calling me a dirty bitch a whore, garbage, and all other types of explicit words. He blamed me making him leave for all of his problems and drinking.

 

How on earth do you create a second pregnancy with this abusive alcoholic? At some point, you have to take responsibility for removing yourself and your child from harm's way.

 

I just don't get it :( ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Im wondering if i should suffer and stay married or move on?

 

"I should suffer?" This is not about you anymore. Your CHILDREN are going to suffer. They're going to be emotionally destroyed living in an abusive environment. You're teaching them that abuse is acceptable. You're teaching them that this is what a relationship between two adults should look like. You want your children to grow up to be emotionally/mentally crippled adults, then stay. Otherwise, get your children out of there for their sake, if you can't do it for yourself.

 

I can't for the life of me fathom how people bring children into this world knowing it's unsafe, volatile and unhealthy. Just can't freaking understand it. It's utterly selfish.

 

Take yourself to a lawyer and start seeking assistance with working out a proper course of action to move on and protect yourself and your children.

Edited by Zahara
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Lostandafraid16

Just afraid now that, he hasnt been drinking as much that he will not take the divorce well and try to take my children from me.

 

Also dont want to be blamed again that I caused him to spiral like he has blamed me in the past

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ChickiePops
Just afraid now that, he hasnt been drinking as much that he will not take the divorce well and try to take my children from me.

 

He's a loser alcoholic pill popper...are you worse than that? If not..what on earth makes you think he could take your children from you?

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Also dont want to be blamed again that I caused him to spiral like he has blamed me in the past

 

Why do you care? And even more importantly, can you afford to?

 

Lostandafraid16, this is crunch time. You've got the future of two innocent souls in the palm of your hand, they didn't ask to be drug into the middle of this mess. Who [cares] what your H might think or blame you for, an addict is going to do what an addict's going to do. [W]hile they're using it's never their fault.

 

You've got bigger issues in front of you, [do you understand this] :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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Lois_Griffin
How on earth do you create a second pregnancy with this abusive alcoholic? At some point, you have to take responsibility for removing yourself and your child from harm's way.

 

I just don't get it :( ...

 

Mr. Lucky

^^^ Repeated for truth. ^^^^^

 

You were a victim once but you've chosen to be a volunteer.

 

And the ones who'll suffer for it will be the children you keep having with him.

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Lostandafraid16

Thanks for your comment.

 

I just have a feeling that he's with me for fear of being alone and moving on. He's said to me time and time again, if we split he would be dead and it would be the end of him as he would be crushed and destroyed.

A part of me wounder about the guilt as he would probably spiral.

 

And please no judgmental replies. I really have been going through enough.

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Thanks for your comment.

 

I just have a feeling that he's with me for fear of being alone and moving on. He's said to me time and time again, if we split he would be dead and it would be the end of him as he would be crushed and destroyed.

A part of me wounder about the guilt as he would probably spiral.

 

And please no judgmental replies. I really have been going through enough.

 

[] This immense consideration for this man. Yet, you have not once mentioned your children, being your No. 1 priority and the damage that this is doing to them. You're more worried about what all this will do to him then the repercussions that are going to befall your kids.

 

Where's the guilt when it comes to your kids? Where is his and your responsibility when it comes to making their lives whole? You're more concerned about making his life whole.

 

[] No one is going to tell you to stay. What are you hoping for people to advise you? This man is a manipulator, abuser, alcoholic, etc. They will say things to guilt you so that you will stay captive. He's a grown man. He needs to learn how to manage his own life. []

 

My father was an abusive alcoholic. Guess what...same patterns. They don't change. They manipulate. They lie. They keep you hostage. They break you. And you know what, the children end up paying for it at the end of the day.

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He's said to me time and time again, if we split he would be dead and it would be the end of him as he would be crushed and destroyed.

 

He's a manipulator trying to scare you into staying and you're taking the bait. You're not here to poll what to do, you're here to get validation on what you already know you want to do. A little courage borrowed from the internet.

 

The real question is, don't you think you and your kids deserve better? I know it's hard to trust your own judgment since you've made some pretty sh*tty decisions regarding how much leeway you've given this man already, but the best way to stop making the hole deeper is to stop digging.

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It hits a nerve and you're getting defensive because I'm pointing out what you're failing to do as a parent -- protect your children. Your main focus is this man and your desire to do what's right for/by him. Your defensiveness is indicative of your inability to handle the truth. And I'm not here to sugarcoat especially when I know what abuse can do to someone.

 

Good luck to you. I hope you do the right thing by your kids, and not by this man.

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Zahara has been through a lot, and she knows what it's like to be codependent. She wrote the book on co-dependency, as she said a while back. And, man--it shows through her insightful, thoughtful posts. Her posts are assertive and gentle at the same time. She cares and brings a level of "tough love" when it seems necessary. She's my primary role model on these forums. I doubt you just read 500 of her posts. I've read many of them, and wish I could read her older ones that are no longer visible. I come on here every day and see if she's posted anything because her posts really speak to me and inspire me. They ground me. They remind me of what not to go back to, and of the direction to go in.

 

I can understand that her post was received as aggressive, but she is being honest. Right now, you're feeling vulnerable so it's easy to take things the wrong way. Right now, you're caring more about this man who isn't anywhere nearly as emotionally invested in this relationship as you are. Right now, you are showing us--from your words--that you ARE prioritizing this man. Again: he, he, he, he, he.

 

It might not be what you want to hear (many of us have heard what we don't want to hear!), and that's why it hits a nerve and you're being defensive, but it's what you need to hear. It hits a nerve and we get defensive when we don't hear what we want to hear. It might not be sinking in now, but in time, you'll see it sink in other (perhaps more painful) ways. I feel like Zahara said what she said in an attempt to protect you and your children from further pain. It might be hard to see that because of the pain you're in.

 

It sounds like you know what you really want to do and are afraid to do it. Some of the most worthwhile things in life are also among the most difficult.

 

Should you divorce or should you suffer? Well, when you put it that way, the answer seems pretty simple--unless you enjoy suffering.

 

Take care.

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Berate or pile-on a topic starter who comes to our forum with their problems and be denied admittance. That's today's special sandwich.

 

Come on, yeah we get the tough love stuff but give it a rest and let them digest it a bit. Sheesh.

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Your husband:

He is extremely consistent in his behavior. He is not misrepresenting himself. He is not lying. He is showing you day in, day out, exactly who he is. He has not, and will not change in the near future, possibly ever.

 

Your first child:

He/she has been ALREADY learning and being affected by all this domestic violence. Be ABSOLUTELY assured that he/she will have emotional problems that you will have to work hard to undo. Children don't start learning when they go to school. They learn even before they walk or talk from watching their parents and their environment.

 

Your second child:

I was beyond disbelief when I got to read that you are pregnant. There's a line I read: "Marry a man ONLY if you wish you have a son just like him". I think the other posters have said enough on the subject of the second child. I agree with them all.

 

YOU:

And that's the only thing you can control/change: YOURSELF; and you must understand that. You cannot change this mind-blowingly abusive man.

 

But at the risk of repeating what others have voiced already:

You MUST at this point spend some time asking yourself not just what the next steps for you are, but rather WHY did you allow yourself to stay especially when you had a young child in the picture.

 

[Disclaimer redacted]I do mean you need to look deep into this question.

 

You chose to marry this man. You need to ask yourself what you were drawn to, because you are most likely to choose an abusive partner a second time. History repeats itself for most of us.

 

You chose to keep letting him back into your life again and again despite of his abuse. You need to ask yourself why you expected him to be different when he was showing you the same exact behavior.

 

You are a mother now. It's not just a matter of next steps for you. But also each step you take affects your children.

 

To state the obvious:

Step 1: Please LEAVE this man; not next year, not next month. NOW. Why are you even considering staying? Is there ONE reason why you should stay?

 

Step 2: You must talk to a therapist to help you understand what underlying issues you are dealing with--there's a reason why you stayed with him this long to begin with.

 

***btw: How was your relationship with your FATHER? The women who choose to be with an abusive husband usually have a history of abusive or dysfunctional relationship with their fathers in early childhood.

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You have to leave this man for your childrens sake and for your own sake, before he does any more damage.

 

Don't for one second believe him when he say's that if you leave him, he will be destroyed/dead. It's not true, each and every one of us is responsible for our own personal happiness and well-being, only he can save himself, and only you can save yourself and the children from him.

 

Consider the fact the the longer you expose your children to this abuse, the worse it will be for everyone, it will also be partially your fault for failing to protect your children and allowing them to be exposed to the abuse.

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When leaving someone abusive it's a common tactic that they will try all sorts of maneuvers to see what might work on letting them get their way. Not sure the formal name for it but a group I worked with would call it the slot machine tactic. They may make threats, act like a victim, act nice, act mean, etc. That sounds exactly like what is happening here.

 

Have been in abusive situations myself, I highly recommend making an exit plan and initiating NC. I realize with kids in the picture it may not be completely NC but it needs to be at least low contact where if it's anything other than the kids it's NC. And divorce or custody communications can go through an attorney (another area where women/men are often harassed).

 

I would also document the environment he is living in, especially the alcohol and drug use. Normally I do think it's best for kids to have access to both parents but this is a case where I would insist on supervision of his visitation with the kids (and many courts will grant that when provided solid evidence of drug or alcohol abuse). You do not have to do the supervision. IME it's better for your sanity to maintain as much NC as possible.

 

Talking to some adult friends who had parents in toxic and abusive relationships, they always told me they wish their parents would have divorced (for the ones who stayed together). The ones who had parents in toxic relationships who did divorce said they were happy about it. I divorced with kids and that was one of the things that I worried about when making the decision - the impact to the kids.

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Lostandafraid16

Miss Peach,

 

Thank you for the solid advice, words of wisdom, and your approach to get the message through to me.

 

New to the whole message board world and appreciate the insight from women like you.

 

I know what I need to do and I plan on working on steps to get a hold of my life. For folks who have never been through anything like this, have no sense of know what the other side looks like. I don't have mommy/daddy issues, I do put my children first and keep them as a priority. I am very far from family and all I ask for is kindness as I go through this struggle, and thank you for providing that.

 

I have just soaked in your comments and will chew on it a bit tonight. I have also done some research on emotional blackmail and gaslighting, etc and am starting to understand much of it, and plan to look further into it.

 

Thank you, thank you again.

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I know what I need to do and I plan on working on steps to get a hold of my life.

 

That's what I'm taking about!!! You gotta learn to trust yourself again. It's hazy when you first decide to leave and look around and say holy crap - how did it get like this? It's a process - with each step of the plan you execute you'll gain more confidence and perspective and start trusting your judgment again. Whenever you start to waver in your conviction, find your center and dig in with every ounce of resolve you have. And, like everyone here has said, let those kids be the lighthouse on your darkest and stormiest days - they will always show you the direction you need to head.

 

The best piece of advice I ever got during my divorce from my abusive addicted first husband was from my divorce lawyer. She said, "Put your lipstick on every day." What she meant was get up, get dressed, take care of yourself, and always look your best because when you take care of you, the reward is you feel better, function better, and heal faster.

 

PS the first time I posted here someone says take what you need and leave the rest... And it's 100% true - you're going to get everything from shame and blame to cheerleading no matter what you do. Take what you need, leave the rest.

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