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I have been with my GF for 4.5 years and we have a (almost) 2 year old child together. Before we had our son we got along great. We had never had a fight. In her last month of pregnancy everything went downhill and stayed there.

 

In her pregnancy she complained that I didn't help her enough, didn't rub her feet and back, complained about being pregnant. When she went into labor she was very slow to progress and was in full blown labor for 6 days. She stayed home the whole time but complained I didn't spend the entire time with her.

 

When he was a newborn she complained that I didn't help enough. He was breastfeed - still is - and would never take a bottle. He would only fall asleep while breastfeeding. She insisted on using cloth diapers that I didn't do properly. There was nothing for me to do, not like I can spontaneously start lactating. She complained that she was waking up every hour and I didn't have to.

 

He still wakes up multiple times a night, he's never slept through the night. She still breastfeeds and he wants her all the time. He still will not fall asleep without her. She complains that I get to do whatever I want at night while she is tied to the bed and waking up every 2-3 hours.

 

Now she complains that she has to plan and cook meals every day. That she has to clean the house every day. She's a SAHM, I work. The house is always a disaster and she blames me. She complains that she never gets a break. I do help when I can and she refuses to ask others for help. She complains that I don't spend enough time with him, that I don't watch him carefully enough.

 

There is no intimacy left. I don't remember the last time we kissed. We rarely go on dates. We only have sex a couple times a month and it sucks. I can only last a minute now and sex is not enjoyable for her since giving birth.

 

It's done. But we have a son so it will never be done. There doesn't seem to be anything left. All she does is complain and she never appreciates what I do or if I help more.

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I think you need to split. But bare in mind there will be financial implications for a LONG TIME. I would speak to a lawyer to see what you'd be in for as far as support of the kid.

 

It's scary to hear this as I've hear other stories of pregnancy hormones causing 180 changes in women. I remember when I was a teen my buddy's dad told us that his wife stopped having sex with him after the kid. Never, not once. And we were 16 and his brother was 20!

 

The hormones completely changed her sex drive.

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Guaranteed that you're gonna get a lot of responses here that say it's somehow all your fault and that you need to do more here.

 

So, brace yourself...

 

IMO, welcome to marriage. You got almost 16 more years to go (by then your kid will be 18). Remember, each time you get her pregnant again, you're extending your sentence by another few years.

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What a ridiculous comment that having a child makes women not interested in sex. You two need counselling. Try that first.

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I have been with my GF for 4.5 years and we have a (almost) 2 year old child together. Before we had our son we got along great. We had never had a fight. In her last month of pregnancy everything went downhill and stayed there.

 

In her pregnancy she complained that I didn't help her enough, didn't rub her feet and back, complained about being pregnant. When she went into labor she was very slow to progress and was in full blown labor for 6 days. She stayed home the whole time but complained I didn't spend the entire time with her.

 

When he was a newborn she complained that I didn't help enough. He was breastfeed - still is - and would never take a bottle. He would only fall asleep while breastfeeding. She insisted on using cloth diapers that I didn't do properly. There was nothing for me to do, not like I can spontaneously start lactating. She complained that she was waking up every hour and I didn't have to.

 

He still wakes up multiple times a night, he's never slept through the night. She still breastfeeds and he wants her all the time. He still will not fall asleep without her. She complains that I get to do whatever I want at night while she is tied to the bed and waking up every 2-3 hours.

 

Now she complains that she has to plan and cook meals every day. That she has to clean the house every day. She's a SAHM, I work. The house is always a disaster and she blames me. She complains that she never gets a break. I do help when I can and she refuses to ask others for help. She complains that I don't spend enough time with him, that I don't watch him carefully enough.

 

There is no intimacy left. I don't remember the last time we kissed. We rarely go on dates. We only have sex a couple times a month and it sucks. I can only last a minute now and sex is not enjoyable for her since giving birth.

 

It's done. But we have a son so it will never be done. There doesn't seem to be anything left. All she does is complain and she never appreciates what I do or if I help more.

 

she never appreciates what I do or if I help more -- Do you ever tell her you appreciate that she had your son, that she is breastfeeding your son,

tell her you understand that she is tied to the bed and waking up every 2-3 hours and is completely exhausted?

 

Do you ever say, "hey, show me how you want the diapers to be done so I can give you a break". Do you ever say, thank you for breast feeding our son, I know it's difficult and it must be hard to stay on top of everything in the house when you have to sit down and breast feed the baby every couple of hours."

 

You might also want to ask her to use a breast pump so that you can bottle feed him once in a while.

 

Do you ever tell her she's doing a great job with the baby and that you find her even more attractive because of that? Tell her you love her and that the two of you need to find a balance between your relationship as a couple and your parenting roles. Tell her you're feeling like the relationship between you isn't a priority anymore. Tell her that you're feeling incapable and wanting to be more involved and willing to do more and willing to learn. Tell her she needs to give herself a break because she cannot be all she needs to be for the family if she is tired. Tell her you want her mom or your mom to come one day, spend some time learning the routine so that the two of you can go out and be a couple for a while. Stop complaining yourself and be proactive.

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This was moved to the marriage section but we're not married, just an FYI. At this rate I don't think I can propose or marry her. I don't even think she wants to anymore. She use to bring it up all the time, now she never does.

 

she never appreciates what I do or if I help more -- Do you ever tell her you appreciate that she had your son, that she is breastfeeding your son,

tell her you understand that she is tied to the bed and waking up every 2-3 hours and is completely exhausted?

 

Do you ever say, "hey, show me how you want the diapers to be done so I can give you a break". Do you ever say, thank you for breast feeding our son, I know it's difficult and it must be hard to stay on top of everything in the house when you have to sit down and breast feed the baby every couple of hours."

 

You might also want to ask her to use a breast pump so that you can bottle feed him once in a while.

 

Do you ever tell her she's doing a great job with the baby and that you find her even more attractive because of that? Tell her you love her and that the two of you need to find a balance between your relationship as a couple and your parenting roles. Tell her you're feeling like the relationship between you isn't a priority anymore. Tell her that you're feeling incapable and wanting to be more involved and willing to do more and willing to learn. Tell her she needs to give herself a break because she cannot be all she needs to be for the family if she is tired. Tell her you want her mom or your mom to come one day, spend some time learning the routine so that the two of you can go out and be a couple for a while. Stop complaining yourself and be proactive.

 

Our son was unplanned, I didn't want her to go through with the pregnancy so no I have never thanked her for having him. I love him now but thanking her for having him doesn't seem right to me. Who does that? I do try and sympathize with her but there is nothing more I can do.

 

He is potty trained now. When he was in diapers I tried to get the hang of them but couldn't. Too tight, too lose, crooked, not rolled in, not covered fully, too high, too low, thigh gaps. She said she didn't mind doing them and loved cloth diapers, but then complained that she had to always do them. I couldn't do poop, I'd puke every time. Now that he's potty trained she complains that I don't watch him enough to see when he is going to the bathroom or needs help with his pants (he's non-verbal).

 

She complains about him wanting to breastfeed all the time, but then turns around and says how nice it is because she gets to sit down and relax several times a day.

 

She tried pumping and had thousands of ounces frozen. He would never take breast milk from a bottle or cup. She donated it.

 

We try going on dates and it's great for those couple hours but then we're back to the home tension. She doesn't trust anyone else with him, she rarely agrees to let someone else take him. If I say I'm going to have my mom come get him she talks me out of it.

 

Guaranteed that you're gonna get a lot of responses here that say it's somehow all your fault and that you need to do more here.

 

So, brace yourself...

 

IMO, welcome to marriage. You got almost 16 more years to go (by then your kid will be 18). Remember, each time you get her pregnant again, you're extending your sentence by another few years.

 

Yeah I'm expecting that. Maybe it will give me some sort of revelation.

 

No more kids here. She has an IUD and I still use condoms and pull out. Don't want more. But even though all she does in complain, she wants 2 more...

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>>He still wakes up multiple times a night, he's never slept through the night. She still breastfeeds and he wants her all the time. He still will not fall asleep without her. She complains that I get to do whatever I want at night while she is tied to the bed and waking up every 2-3 hours.<<

 

She sounds exhausted and overwhelmed. And frankly, out of her depth.

 

I think that first of all you need to give her a hug and tell her you understand how hard it is being woken numerous times each and every night. Tell her you understand how isolating being a new mother is.

 

While I understand that you can't spontaneously lactate, do her complaints about you not spending enough time with your son have merit? Do you ever take him out on the weekend for a walk while she takes a break? Do you get takeout if she's had a particularly bad day? I'm only guessing....perhaps you already do this stuff...but it's worth putting out there just in case.

 

Then take her and your son to the doctor. Your partner needs professional help to get things back to an even keel. The doctor can rule out issues such as Post Natal Depression and can then refer her to mothercraft nurses who can help get your son sleeping through the night and some strategies to help her cope.

 

Lastly, it's completely normal for her sex drive to plummet if she's not getting a full night's sleep. Exhaustion is a very real libido killer.

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Our son was unplanned, I didn't want her to go through with the pregnancy so no I have never thanked her for having him. I love him now but thanking her for having him doesn't seem right to me. Who does that? I do try and sympathize with her but there is nothing more I can do.

 

It doesn't seem right saying "I know I had doubts about being a father, but I do love him now and I'm so glad he's in my life"? What on earth is wrong with saying something like this? And yes, there's a lot more you can do.

 

Now that he's potty trained she complains that I don't watch him enough to see when he is going to the bathroom or needs help with his pants (he's non-verbal).

 

Do you preempt when he needs to go on weekends and help him? Do you help him with his pants each time without being asked?

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Yeah I'm expecting that. Maybe it will give me some sort of revelation.

 

Didn't want your child, don't want to marry her, refuse to help with mundane tasks like diaper-changing - wonder why she's not happy :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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do her complaints about you not spending enough time with your son have merit? Do you ever take him out on the weekend for a walk while she takes a break? Do you get takeout if she's had a particularly bad day? I'm only guessing....perhaps you already do this stuff...but it's worth putting out there just in case.

 

Then take her and your son to the doctor. Your partner needs professional help to get things back to an even keel. The doctor can rule out issues such as Post Natal Depression and can then refer her to mothercraft nurses who can help get your son sleeping through the night and some strategies to help her cope.

 

Lastly, it's completely normal for her sex drive to plummet if she's not getting a full night's sleep. Exhaustion is a very real libido killer.

 

In her opinion I don't spend enough time with him, in my opinion I do. It's a constant battle. When I do spend time with him I'm not doing it "right". The few times I offer to take him for a walk, to the park or play place she always wants to come too. Even if she doesn't feel good or is exhausted she wants to go because "she wants to spend time with us". I do get take out on the bad days or I offer to cook but she ends up doing it.

 

She won't go to the doctor for it. She says they will just tell her to let him scream for hours until he falls asleep and stop breastfeeding. She also thinks they will tell her she's just tired and to go home.

 

Her sex drive hasn't really plummeted. It did for the first year at least. But now she wants to have sex but it doesn't feel good at all. She hasn't been able to orgasm since she was pregnant. So she just lays there like a corpse.

 

It doesn't seem right saying "I know I had doubts about being a father, but I do love him now and I'm so glad he's in my life"? What on earth is wrong with saying something like this? And yes, there's a lot more you can do.

 

Do you preempt when he needs to go on weekends and help him? Do you help him with his pants each time without being asked?

 

Ok well I've probably said something like that, but haven't thanked her for having him.

 

If I notice that he has to go, yes I help him. But usually he goes to her for help and if I try he gets upset. He only wants her. She'll be trying to cook and he wants up and is all over her. She gets pissed. If I try and take him he loses it. He screams, cries, hits, rolls around until he gets away from me, then runs back to her even more upset.

 

Didn't want your child, don't want to marry her, refuse to help with mundane tasks like diaper-changing - wonder why she's not happy :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We had only been together for like 6 months when she got pregnant. The first year and a bit we were long distance and didn't see each other at all. So no, I didn't want a baby. I wanted more time with just her. She wasn't done school, I wasn't done school. We weren't financially secure. She is young (23).

 

I wanted to marry her, until all this started. I actually had a proposal planned. Then our son was born and everything changed.

 

I didn't refuse to help. Either she'd just do it and not ask me to, I'd start trying and she'd take over or I'd try and couldn't do it right for her.

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blackcat777
Our son was unplanned, I didn't want her to go through with the pregnancy so no I have never thanked her for having him. I love him now but thanking her for having him doesn't seem right to me. Who does that?

 

This might point toward the root of your problems.

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She won't go to the doctor for it. She says they will just tell her to let him scream for hours until he falls asleep and stop breastfeeding. She also thinks they will tell her she's just tired and to go home.

 

Her fears are not only unfounded - but also irrational. Makes me think even more that she needs to see a doctor.

 

No mothercraft nurse would leave a child screaming for hours. No doctor or nurse would dismiss two years of tiredness. And with the push for breastfeeding, they will have ideas of how to make it work for her rather than against her.

 

I think you need to drag her to the doctor. Or call a mother's help line and ask if someone could come see her. But she needs help. Now.

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I didn't refuse to help. Either she'd just do it and not ask me to, I'd start trying and she'd take over or I'd try and couldn't do it right for her.

 

Actually, you did refuse:

 

I couldn't do poop, I'd puke every time. Now that he's potty trained she complains that I don't watch him enough to see when he is going to the bathroom or needs help with his pants (he's non-verbal).

 

I'd guess you do a lousy enough job by design so it's easier for her to just take over. Lots of mind games from both sides...

 

Mr. Lucky

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amaysngrace

She should stop breastfeeding since he can't even sleep through the night. If she wants to keep sacrificing her sleep so that your toddler can nurse that's on her.

 

It's really weird to me that women nurse children who have teeth and can walk on over and climb up onto mommy themselves.

 

But if that's her choice then she shouldn't give you crap about it.

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Her fears are not only unfounded - but also irrational. Makes me think even more that she needs to see a doctor.

 

No mothercraft nurse would leave a child screaming for hours. No doctor or nurse would dismiss two years of tiredness. And with the push for breastfeeding, they will have ideas of how to make it work for her rather than against her.

 

I think you need to drag her to the doctor. Or call a mother's help line and ask if someone could come see her. But she needs help. Now.

 

Our doctors office has 3 doctors, we've seen them all. All told her to let him scream it out until he falls asleep and to cut out breastfeeding. Since then I haven't been able to get her to go for herself.

 

How is your son developmentally? Is he hitting all his milestones on time?

 

Physically he's always been ahead, he's way ahead with puzzles and problem solving. He interacts with people. But he does not talk and does some weird things that have made his doctor flag him for being in the autism spectrum.

 

He was in daycare for a while and they had a hard time with him because he mastered all the toys and activities they had in his age groups class. They had to bring in things from the preschool and kindergarten rooms for him. They recommended taking him out to find a better suited program and because he was never happy there.

 

Actually, you did refuse:

 

I'd guess you do a lousy enough job by design so it's easier for her to just take over. Lots of mind games from both sides...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Ok yes I did refuse to do poopy diapers. I tried sometimes but could not do it. I can't handle poop, not even pet poop.

 

She should stop breastfeeding since he can't even sleep through the night. If she wants to keep sacrificing her sleep so that your toddler can nurse that's on her.

 

It's really weird to me that women nurse children who have teeth and can walk on over and climb up onto mommy themselves.

 

But if that's her choice then she shouldn't give you crap about it.

 

From what I have been told it's recommended by almost all health organizations to breastfeed for at least 2 years. She wants to let him naturally wean and believes that is best for him.

 

 

I want to help her. When I do, it's not enough. And when I do 9 times out of 10 she either takes over because she wants to or has to (son freaks out for her).

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amaysngrace
From what I have been told it's recommended by almost all health organizations to breastfeed for at least 2 years. She wants to let him naturally wean and believes that is best for him.

 

They must have changed it from one year to two then, or you're being told bad information from your baby mama.

 

One year was the norm because toddlers with teeth seems abnorm. But they're her nipples. If he bites her that's her problem I guess.

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Our doctors office has 3 doctors, we've seen them all. All told her to let him scream it out until he falls asleep and to cut out breastfeeding. Since then I haven't been able to get her to go for herself.

 

Whoa! I stand corrected. And also shocked and appalled. Not surprised she is reluctant to return. What about her talking with a BF support centre? They are going to respect her choice to feed.

 

When he wakes at night, does she feed him? What if she goes in and reassures him but doesn't give him a feed?

 

But he does not talk and does some weird things that have made his doctor flag him for being in the autism spectrum.

 

Yup, it's why I asked. My (now 19yo) son is on the spectrum. So many of we special needs parents had children who were hard to settle. Hard to soothe. Those early years can be really, really tough - especially before a diagnosis and specialised support.

 

From what I have been told it's recommended by almost all health organizations to breastfeed for at least 2 years. She wants to let him naturally wean and believes that is best for him.

 

Agreed.

 

I want to help her. When I do, it's not enough. And when I do 9 times out of 10 she either takes over because she wants to or has to (son freaks out for her).

 

When your son 'freaks out' when you try to do something for him, could it be an ASD meltdown rather than a tantrum? Perhaps it's because something different to the regular routine is happening? There would be a few ways to address this if you want to chat further.

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They must have changed it from one year to two then, or you're being told bad information from your baby mama.

 

One year was the norm because toddlers with teeth seems abnorm. But they're her nipples. If he bites her that's her problem I guess.

 

Two years has been the WHO recommendation for a very long time.

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amaysngrace
Two years has been the WHO recommendation for a very long time.

 

That could very well be but the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends 12 months.

 

I'm an American.

 

Again...her nips her choice her sleep deprivation

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That could very well be but the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends 12 months.

 

I'm an American.

 

Again...her nips her choice her sleep deprivation

 

When on an international site, don't you think it's best to not limit yourself to American thinking?

 

Anyway, from the AAP

 

'Babies should continue to breastfeed for a year and for as long as is mutually desired by the mother and baby. Breastfeeding should be supported by your physician for as long as it is the right choice for you and your baby'

 

Going from this, she should have support to continue BF and be taught techniques for nightime settling which don't involve BF or leaving her child to scream for hours.

 

She can have BF and a solid night's sleep with the right support.

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amaysngrace
When on an international site, don't you think it's best to not limit yourself to American thinking?

 

Anyway, from the AAP

 

'Babies should continue to breastfeed for a year and for as long as is mutually desired by the mother and baby. Breastfeeding should be supported by your physician for as long as it is the right choice for you and your baby'

 

Going from this, she should have support to continue BF and be taught techniques for nightime settling which don't involve BF or leaving her child to scream for hours.

 

She can have BF and a solid night's sleep with the right support.

 

This is actually an international site created by Americans so when in Rome...

 

Anyway, if you think it's possible for her to get a solid nights sleep while her toddler wants to feed every three hours then maybe you should clue the OP in so that he can be sure to pass that info along to his girl.

 

I'm sure she'd be interested in hearing how that's possible as well.

 

Personally I don't have much sympathy for her since all three of her child's pediatricians have told her to stop breastfeeding yet she continues to do so anyway.

 

I do feel sorry for the OP and their child though. I wouldn't want to go up against or be raised by someone who thinks they know more than the docs.

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It sounds like your gf is ruining your child.

 

And I breastfed my kid until he weaned himself, and long after he "had teeth and could climb into my lap" so I'm not criticizing her choice to breastfeed here, just her other choices.

 

Kids need socialization. They need to know that they can trust more people in the world than just their mothers. They should be watched/cared for by more than just one person. She's turned him into an abnormally codependent child, and I think you're suffering the consequences. And soon, he will be too.

 

It's just not normal or good for a child to not even be able to take comfort in his own father. Remember that old saying, it takes a village to raise a child?

 

Also, your gf can keep breastfeeding without the night feeds. Your kid is almost two. There is NO nutritional need for him to feed at night anymore. She needs to start the (admittedly difficult) process of weaning him from night feeds. It doesn't mean she has to let him scream for hours. Just comfort him when he wakes up but don't feed him. It takes a while but eventually when they realize no food is coming, they stop waking/crying. She needs to learn to comfort him in other ways.

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This is actually an international site created by Americans so when in Rome...

 

Anyway, if you think it's possible for her to get a solid nights sleep while her toddler wants to feed every three hours then maybe you should clue the OP in so that he can be sure to pass that info along to his girl.

 

I'm sure she'd be interested in hearing how that's possible as well.

 

Personally I don't have much sympathy for her since all three of her child's pediatricians have told her to stop breastfeeding yet she continues to do so anyway.

 

I do feel sorry for the OP and their child though. I wouldn't want to go up against or be raised by someone who thinks they know more than the docs.

 

Even if you use the US recommendation as a base line, it DOES NOT recommend weaning at 12 months. It says to BF for a minimum of 12 months. And the mother is not wrong for following WHO recommendations. .

 

If you read my posts, you will see that I have asked the OP whether she's tried to settle him without feeding. When he answers, I can talk about it more. I've also suggested she talk with mother craft nurses who are BF advocates. BF and sleeping through the night are not incompatible.

 

As far as questioning doctors or finding different ways: As a special needs mother, I tell you that my journey has been harder than it needed to be BECAUSE I didn't question enough or look for alternatives. I very much regret doing as I was told.

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Honestly. Anyone would complain if the father of their child 'couldn't do poop' and thus automatically exempts himself from ever changing diapers... :confused: I'm not saying she doesn't have issues, but you sure as hell do too. NOBODY likes poop, people just make themselves get used to it if they have children because they have to.

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