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It's Disheartening...


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 16th July 2016, 9:18 PM   #1
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It's Disheartening...

....to see so many posts on sexless marriages here (I've spent most of the day reading them). One wonders if it makes sense to post another.

We're not quite five years into the marriage and I'm lucky if physical intimacy is a quarterly event. I'd read Pride and Prejudice to her if I thought it'd help...truly! Seems like I've tried most everything else at this point...

I'll add the ubiquitous "but the rest of our relationship is great" statement--she just doesn't seem interested in sex anymore (and menopause isn't helping, unfortunately).

Having just turned 50, I figured we'd have a few more years of frolic left at least.
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Old 17th July 2016, 2:28 AM   #2
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Is this the first marriage for each of you? If she was married before, how did it end?

I'm also curious how you physical relationship was during dating and courtship...

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Old 17th July 2016, 3:19 AM   #3
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Great questions....

It's my second marriage (with 10 years of single time between), but it's the first marriage for her.

While courting we were good for a couple times/week at least. She's explored options with her MD to address some of the physiological issues that go with menopause, but she hasn't followed through with any of them to this point.

We've had some frank conversations (and I've made my concerns clear), but it hasn't changed much. I suspect that the physical component isn't as important to her as it is to me. If it were I'd expect she'd be more active in attempts to remedy the issue.
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Old 17th July 2016, 8:42 AM   #4
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A lack of sex is a deal breaker in a marriage. As far as I'm concerned, short of a medical issue, it's a violation of your wedding vows. Make the appointment for the dr. yourself...do not wait...act.
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Old 17th July 2016, 8:51 AM   #5
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My wife is 46 and going through perimenopause. It has lowered her libido BUT she actually understands the importance of sex in a relationship and continues to work towards making it a priority.

Your wife has become lazy and/or selfish for whatever reasons. Maybe you quit romancing her or taking care of yourself. Maybe she doesn't care much about the health of the marriage or your needs. Either way, she has to be willing to put in the work to get things in a sex positive place or it will eventually kill the good things left in your marriage.
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Old 17th July 2016, 1:04 PM   #6
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Yes it is for those of us in no (or very low) sex marriages.

You can try some of the things that may provide some partial improvement - such has counseling with a therapist with sex specialty, some of the advice of Athol Kay books and boards, etc.... You can also consider divorce, or cheating in various forms. Or you can focus on the good that resides in your marriage and masturbate to porn and try to cope with the sadness with other things that are good in life.

I do ask the simple question - what is the down side or upsides of divorcing over this? Sometimes that answer forms what next steps you take.
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Old 17th July 2016, 1:56 PM   #7
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I do ask the simple question - what is the down side or upsides of divorcing over this? Sometimes that answer forms what next steps you take.
Have to agree with this, you'll have to prioritize your needs in order to decide on a course of action. Doesn't sound like kids are involved so that's one less complication.

If this is your line in the sand, I'd draw it now. Absent something drastic, hard to see your sexual relationship doing anything but declining further...

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Old 18th July 2016, 6:35 AM   #8
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It's a cruel joke biology plays on women when they reach menopause. The whole system as they knew it basically shuts down and their bodies are no longer creating the hormones that drive sexual desire, etc. etc. Some women go nuts in menopause and become sexually insatiable, but I think the norm is more what you're experiencing; a complete lack of sexual desire. It's unfortunate that nature robs a woman of that once she's no longer able to reproduce.

Then there's the other side of the coin - post-menopausal women who are aware that their lack of desire shouldn't be a 'punishment' for their husbands. They'll try to keep romance and sex in the marriage but the husband resents it because he knows she's not the passionate, sexually driven woman she once was before her body changed and he doesn't want 'pity' sex from her.

So sometimes, a menopausal woman just can't win no matter what she does.

But she can only work with what she's got.

The mistake you're making - and the mistake a lot of men make - is taking it personally and thinking it's something YOU can change or control. You can't.
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Old 18th July 2016, 6:44 AM   #9
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When my menopausal sex drive went down the toilet, I was devastated. I went to the doctor to find solutions and none of them worked. Double devastation.

I do still have sex with my husband, but like Lois said, it's because I care about his needs and not because I particularly want it.
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Old 18th July 2016, 12:06 PM   #10
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I do still have sex with my husband, but like Lois said, it's because I care about his needs and not because I particularly want it.
Kudos to you, I'm lucky my wife has the same commitment to our marriage .

But it's disheartening to read about the number of women, OP's wife included, who think if it doesn't matter to them it shouldn't be of concern to their partner. Not sure how you get them out of that mindset...

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Old 18th July 2016, 12:13 PM   #11
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I'm going to be 47 and I still want sex. My husband has never wanted sex and we are separated 9 months now and every one of our marraige problems goes right back to no intimacy. He has tried to blame shift it onto me saying he would have sex with me if I were a nicer person!! I happen to be extremely nice but when someone literally pushes you away for years you become bitter.

I say if a marraige is sexless in the beginning there is no way it's going to get better. Some people just aren't into it and no amount of therapy is going to change that!
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